I pulled a knife on somebody, please help.

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astro said:
Brandon,

if you pull knives on people because you feel like it, you should be in prison with the rest of all the dangerous violent people.
Go ahead and blame the doctor and your medication , for your own personal failure.
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As harsh as this sounds, there is some truth to it in the sense we are held responsible for our actions whether or not we're of the "right mind" or not. I don't know your personal situation, but you seem remorseful, and I'll pray you receive mercy for your actions.
 
Continued update

I will keep you updated.. hopefully I can. If I'm in prison I won't be updating anyone, so pray for me if you don't hear back every once in a while.

It wasn't really brave of me to open up because I'm naturally a tell all person, but thanks anyway. :)

Bipolar is not an evil spirit, yet at the same time bipolar makes a wide opening for evil spirits and so many times the problems are in both arenas: a disease and the spirits who want to take full advantage of a weakened mind.
 
I know I'm still held responsible for it. It's a sin. I don't feel very strongly with siding towards the law though, right at the moment just because I saw the way we were treated in prison. I watched the guy next to me get his face pounded by an officer. No provocation. The whole place scrambled to the edges of the big room we were in and then we had to get in line. Apparently prisoners regularly get beat on by the "correctional officer".There was very little respect there for human dignity. Every one of the officers spoke in sharp, choppy, contradictory demands--extremely unclear and it was designed to make you make a mistake so that they would have an excuse to punish you. I remember hearing the guy down the hall from my cell half-crying, begging the officer for something. I spent a week in a 5x5 room, never once leaving for any reason. They kept bright halogen lights on the whole week straight. There was a stiff, course blanket that barley wrapped around me as I was nearly naked every "night." I never knew what time it was because they took my watch so I don't know how many meals I missed or how long I missed sleep. I couldn't read my bible (which I carry everywhere I go). I lost 21 pounds in seven days because they fed me cold mushy food in a little styrofoam box once a day; I was given my medicine one time out of seven (this drove my hallucinations through the roof). The jail didn't provide toilet paper. I thought I was battling Satan himself. Still I'm not sure about that; that's just how it felt. And the air vent poured out stinging cold vapor. (I'm still not sure what that was about.) At the time I thought they were poisoning me. The way the food tasted I still wouldn't doubt it. (Potatoes are not normally bitter, last time I checked) The officers only came by to harass me. At one point the people came to my cell opened it up and demanded I come over there like usual, but this time they wouldn't leave... The guy came in, dragged me across the floor and pressed his boot on my stomach just to check that my name tag still said Brandon Locke on it. I didn't say anything or struggle against him. But anyway, go justice system!
 
Oh I almost forgot to mention. All this is after I was redirected to go to the mental part of the jail. How did I get there though? ...

It was bed time and everyone was ordered to stay in there rooms, I assumed to sleep. Well I started to break down and cry and weep and weep saying Jesus I'm sorry!!! Forgive me!!! I'm so sorry!! The guards took me and that's how I ended up in the mental part of the jail. Just by the way, in the regular part of the jail there was toilet paper and no bright halogen light to keep me up.
 
Brandon777 said:
I know I'm still held responsible for it. It's a sin. I don't feel very strongly with siding towards the law though, right at the moment just because I saw the way we were treated in prison. I watched the guy next to me get his face pounded by an officer. No provocation. The whole place scrambled to the edges of the big room we were in and then we had to get in line. Apparently prisoners regularly get beat on by the "correctional officer".There was very little respect there for human dignity. Every one of the officers spoke in sharp, choppy, contradictory demands--extremely unclear and it was designed to make you make a mistake so that they would have an excuse to punish you. I remember hearing the guy down the hall from my cell half-crying, begging the officer for something. I spent a week in a 5x5 room, never once leaving for any reason. They kept bright halogen lights on the whole week straight. There was a stiff, course blanket that barley wrapped around me as I was nearly naked every "night." I never knew what time it was because they took my watch so I don't know how many meals I missed or how long I missed sleep. I couldn't read my bible (which I carry everywhere I go). I lost 21 pounds in seven days because they fed me cold mushy food in a little styrofoam box once a day; I was given my medicine one time out of seven (this drove my hallucinations through the roof). The jail didn't provide toilet paper. I thought I was battling Satan himself. Still I'm not sure about that; that's just how it felt. And the air vent poured out stinging cold vapor. (I'm still not sure what that was about.) At the time I thought they were poisoning me. The way the food tasted I still wouldn't doubt it. (Potatoes are not normally bitter, last time I checked) The officers only came by to harass me. At one point the people came to my cell opened it up and demanded I come over there like usual, but this time they wouldn't leave... The guy came in, dragged me across the floor and pressed his boot on my stomach just to check that my name tag still said Brandon Locke on it. I didn't say anything or struggle against him. But anyway, go justice system!
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What you described is a clear violation of your civil rights and of the civil rights of the other prisoners too. I wish I knew who you should contact about this but it is definitely criminal what these officers are doing there and they need to be brought to justice.
 
Thanks, I'll use that right now. Not sure why I didn't think of that. Probably because it took me so long to get out of the system... I had a few months of hospital visits because I was so psychotic after not having medication that I couldn't go home.
 
princessbella said:
Ramon be careful when saying it is an evil sprit , while that may contribute, we are made up of body mind and sprit, body , and there may be some emotional healing from the past needed as well as spiritua or conected to social, family circumstances what need some councelingl. . It is known people who experience berevment can hear voices. .While deliverence , praying and dealing with an evil spirit can have a purpose dont discount that.

Brandon i think it was incredibly brave of you to be able to open up about this and im pretty sure this thread will give other people courage too and see their not alone.. I pray God be with you and guide you through this your not alone

princess
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Well, it is an evil spirit, I won't be careful with that. But I will certainly prayer also.
 
Hi Brandon.......Just wanted to let you know I am praying for you in this situation. Some of your story cornfuses me a bit, but it doesn't matter because God will know my prayer for you is to get the help you need. I am sorry I have no real words of help, only encouragement, but I am not a professional with answers.

I truly do beleive in taking responsibility for our own actions, however, this......

astro said:
Brandon,

if you pull knives on people because you feel like it, you should be in prison with the rest of all the dangerous violent people.
Go ahead and blame the doctor and your medication , for your own personal failure.
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made my jaw drop, and this.....

zeroturbulence said:
Wow ...just ...wow! 0_o
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was my exact reaction too!

Taking responsibility for your actions though, should not include being treated the way in which you described either, and this......

zeroturbulence said:
What you described is a clear violation of your civil rights and of the civil rights of the other prisoners too. I wish I knew who you should contact about this but it is definitely criminal what these officers are doing there and they need to be brought to justice.
Click to expand...

and Zeroturbulance's following post, the one with the info on how to contact someone, (which for some reason didn't come up as quoted for me)......made me cheer, because THAT is the kind of help you NEED. I couldn't provide it for you.....so I am glad Zeroturbulance could!

Grace's post about keeping very on top of your meds and their effects on you is very good......regular Drs. visits to stay on the right meds can make alot of difference. And as just a little added encouragement.....the past is the past, we cannot change it, but once we deal with the consequences of actions and/or decisions we did poorly with, it IS the PAST. We can always move forward in a better light....one day at a time. I hope something I have said helps in some small way.....I will be praying. God bless.
 
Hey Brandon!! Nyc to have you back... I am so sorry you ahd to go through the prison time and all..... But I am glad you are alright and well now.
I will continue to pray for you... and Here is a verse, I am not sure what it will mean to you, but I hope you get encouraged by it-Isaiah 61 all of it. such a wonderful promise.....
and I pray that God continues to strengthen you..
we love you!! :-)
 
I'm not sure how to take it really. I feel worn out, and like I'm trying to figure out who I am again. I thought I had a pretty good grasp of that, and this really set me back. :o Yet I pray and have faith that I'll come out of this a stronger, more prepared individual. Prepared to advance the Kingdom of God that is. Ya know.. now that I think of it.. shouldn't the Kingdom of God have a name. All empires I know have names. huh... wonder what that's about???
 
astro said:
Brandon,

if you pull knives on people because you feel like it, you should be in prison with the rest of all the dangerous violent people.
Go ahead and blame the doctor and your medication , for your own personal failure.
Click to expand...

Wow, that's venomous.

I was placed on a medication. I didn't know what it was for or what it was supposed to do. Unbeknownst to me, it was an antipsychotic med, and a heavy-duty one at that (geodone). And, after I had started it, one day I saw a huge, black raven fly through my living room, land on a chair and DISSOLVE! I freaked and flushed all my pills. Guess what? If you take some meds for a condition you don't have (notably epilepsy and psychosis), they can cause the exact symptoms they're meant to prevent!

Imagine my surprise....
 
Geodon was awful for me as well, you are supposed to take it with good sized meal w/ a lot of calories...

I have bad stomach problems and a lot of trouble eating..

I was so dizzy.. couldn't really get comfortable. unless I was lying down. my eyes were like zooming in and out.

though its not just for psychosis or epilepsy.


klonopin was horrible for me..(hearing more things, more "shadow people" as I've always called them and such bad anxiety that mom couldn't leave the house without me or I'd hide myself in my room door locked and hiding under the blankets) some people I know it's been their saving grace.. meds are different for everyone.




I can't stress enough how important is to find out about the medication, and it's possible side effects, a good doc will go over the med with you before just giving them to you.
 
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Frankensteingirl: Absolutely. This was back when I was a skittish little 18-year-old with no idea how these things worked. I thought the doctor was the expert and didn't question his judgement.
 
Yeah, I've always been one who naturally questions everything.. even more so since I had Lithium toxicity.

Some docs are seriously messed up.. it appears a lot of people in the mental health field suffer from problems themselves, which is all well and good except when ones severe ADHD is all over the place and causes problems with patient appointments.. >.<
 
Hi Brandon! How ARE you doing?

Please, keep us updated. I hope you are well. Did you find medication that works for you yet? I know it's been such a short time, and sometimes it can take weeks/months to know for sure... I hope you're doing better, and whichever judge you have will understand the problems associated with bad meds! I know of one man who got blood toxicity from a medication, but he didn't get regular blood tests, and he nearly killed a woman when he attacked her in his psychosis. No judge on earth wouldn't be able to see the link there between meds and actions, and he was released with an order to have blood tests every 3 months to monitor that.

I'll be praying, Brandon! It's so good you know you still had a choice in this, but can acknowledge the effect the meds had.
 
FrankensteinGirls said:
Yeah, I've always been one who naturally questions everything.. even more so since I had Lithium toxicity.

Some docs are seriously messed up.. it appears a lot of people in the mental health field suffer from problems themselves, which is all well and good except when ones severe ADHD is all over the place and causes problems with patient appointments.. >.<
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On the subject of "bad meds" ;)

I once had a doctor who changed my meds every time I saw him. At least 20-25 meds in one year. He was the moron who gave me geodone for PTSD. :mad:

Anyhow, he had me on Ativan (aka lorazapam), up to 5 mg daily, for over a year. That's a benzodiazepine, and in case you all don't know,

1) Benzo's are VERY HIGHLY addictive, and

2) Benzo's have a tendency in most cases to INCREASE overall anxiety over time, which, you know, is awesome for somone with an anxiety disorder like PTSD.

The next doctor wanted to get me off the ativan right away, but every time he tried, my anxiety went through the roof. So, he sat me down one day and explained that it was basically against all the rules for him to prescribe me that medicine. "So," he said, "Can you make one bottle, 30 pills, last for two or three months? We could get under the radar that way and you'll be able to cut down at a slower pace."

It took me almost two years before my last dose, but thank God he worked with me on that.
 
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