I think my marriage is over

[blue_ladybug]

This will be a dumb question but...So you're saying the best thing I can do is offer love??? Please let me know if that's what you're saying.
She is a control freak in my opinion and that's why I want to walk away because I just will no longer be controlled, manipulated, lied on by my own wife. No. While I sit back like some loser. I'm judged by everyone else and they think I'm the issue because I don't open my mouth about anything...lol this is just a battle I can't win anymore she honestly sad to say has me worn out, emotionally lol

The best thing you could offer her is forgiveness, yes. Forgiveness mixed with love. Not revenge mixed with anger, like "well you screwed me over, now I'm gonna do the same and see how YOU feel". It's obvious that she values other people's opinions and approval, more than she values yours or even her own. If counseling isn't working or isn't even a viable option, then there's really nothing to do but walk away. IMO, she's treating you like poo on a door mat..lol.. If she's content to live with her mommy and sponge off welfare, let her. She'll find out it's gonna be harder to do than she thinks it is..

Here is the bottom line, from your own mouth: she doesn't love you. She doesn't respect you. She blames you for HER problems. There's obviously no trust left. Without any of the things mentioned above, there IS NO MARRIAGE. Do what's best for you and the kids and stop subjecting yourself and them to this ridiculousness. She ain't gonna change, because she doesn't want to. She's content in her ho-hum life. Walk away now..

 

[blue_ladybug]

As far as the welfare issue goes, well let's see, she's sponging off mommy because she's living with her and probably not paying rent. She's trying to sponge off welfare so her kids can be taken care of.. Enough said. That's a blatant sign that she wants NOTHING from you anymore..

 

[Ariel82]

I got married when I was 29, I'm glad I didn't get married until then.

Anyhow I don't know why she's getting food stamps if she doesn't need them, unless her step Mom has convinced her to do this because she needs them. I don't know, sounds fishy.

You have to go to the job, but I'm worried about your kid's. You've only been 5 year's they must be very young.

I'm not saying what she's doing is right, but there's some reason she's reluctant to move with you. Have you guy's had problems since the beginning?

Her family is controlling and pressuring her to do things. When her husband draws her away from their control, they make him seem evil because it breaks their hold and control on her.

I strongly suspect that her mom pressured her to lie and get food stamps. She probably claimed to be a single mother,of two or they would have asked for her husband's income info.

She will have to choose whom she respects and values more....her family or her husband.

I would say God but I am not sure what her relationship with Him is.

Personally it sounds like her husband wants to lead her towards God and her family away from God, but this is from previous posts about the clubbing and drinking at bars with mom.

In the end, all anyone can do is pray and love others even when they hurt you.

 

[Ariel82]

Maybe if they see the transforming power of God and His fruit, they will be lead to wonder why and seek Him.

God teaches to answer anger with forgiveness, gentleness and love.

We don't seek to control and have power over others but through prayer and faith give it to God.

Because which is more important: that the person respect you or that they respect God?

A person should not lie because it is against God.

It hurts pride too, but the bigger issue is....does the person know and feel God's love?

If the answer is no, then prayer and seeking how to show God's love to them to me is more important than any other concern.

Jesus told husbands to love their wives like He loves the church....being willing to die for them so that they might be lead to a right relationship with God.

 

[Fenner]

If your wife goes out clubbing and thing's like that, I hope they award you primary custody of your children. God bless.

 

[Camelot]

I got married when I was 29, I'm glad I didn't get married until then.

Anyhow I don't know why she's getting food stamps if she doesn't need them, unless her step Mom has convinced her to do this because she needs them. I don't know, sounds fishy.

You have to go to the job, but I'm worried about your kid's. You've only been 5 year's they must be very young.

I'm not saying what she's doing is right, but there's some reason she's reluctant to move with you. Have you guy's had problems since the beginning?

Well we're supposed to move as a family. I just recently drove them out there a month ago to help get things rolling. It was never a separation. I agree this IS very fishy and obvious to me she is trying to move on without me or something. Lol its crazy to me tho. Unexpected.

Like I tried talking to her tonight and she was sooooo disrespectful. Like I am blown away right now. This doesn't even sound like my wife.

This is the only conclusion I came up with.
I am very attached to my daughter. Very. I think with all of the custody rules she is trying to set herself up and buy herself some time so that she can eventually file against me afraid that I may do it first, because I taught her how the system works, I might've taught her too much now lol

 

[Camelot]

The best thing you could offer her is forgiveness, yes. Forgiveness mixed with love. Not revenge mixed with anger, like "well you screwed me over, now I'm gonna do the same and see how YOU feel". It's obvious that she values other people's opinions and approval, more than she values yours or even her own. If counseling isn't working or isn't even a viable option, then there's really nothing to do but walk away. IMO, she's treating you like poo on a door mat..lol.. If she's content to live with her mommy and sponge off welfare, let her. She'll find out it's gonna be harder to do than she thinks it is..

Here is the bottom line, from your own mouth: she doesn't love you. She doesn't respect you. She blames you for HER problems. There's obviously no trust left. Without any of the things mentioned above, there IS NO MARRIAGE. Do what's best for you and the kids and stop subjecting yourself and them to this ridiculousness. She ain't gonna change, because she doesn't want to. She's content in her ho-hum life. Walk away now..

This!!!!!!!!

 

[Camelot]

Maybe if they see the transforming power of God and His fruit, they will be lead to wonder why and seek Him.

God teaches to answer anger with forgiveness, gentleness and love.

We don't seek to control and have power over others but through prayer and faith give it to God.

Because which is more important: that the person respect you or that they respect God?

A person should not lie because it is against God.

It hurts pride too, but the bigger issue is....does the person know and feel God's love?

If the answer is no, then prayer and seeking how to show God's love to them to me is more important than any other concern.

Jesus told husbands to love their wives like He loves the church....being willing to die for them so that they might be lead to a right relationship with God.

All praises to God but you have a gift, you are a very inspiring person. I don't know if I like that because I feel at peace when I consider leaving her. But reading your responses makes me want to work at it more. STOP! LOL no I appreciate you guys' unbiased responses.

 

[Camelot]

Maybe if they see the transforming power of God and His fruit, they will be lead to wonder why and seek Him.

God teaches to answer anger with forgiveness, gentleness and love.

We don't seek to control and have power over others but through prayer and faith give it to God.

Because which is more important: that the person respect you or that they respect God?

A person should not lie because it is against God.

It hurts pride too, but the bigger issue is....does the person know and feel God's love?

If the answer is no, then prayer and seeking how to show God's love to them to me is more important than any other concern.

Jesus told husbands to love their wives like He loves the church....being willing to die for them so that they might be lead to a right relationship with God.

I called my wife tonight. Feeling inspired. I ask her what her plans are. She trlls me what shes working of course everything evolves around welfare (sad) then I began explaining that I am not giving up I will be moving out there in two weeks as planned. But you have to cut off the food stamps and health insurance. All of us have all of that stuff already. I told her how I did call the welfare place and I told them the truth about everything. She was furious.
She paused and said "I don't believe you did that." Then repeats it and says "You have got to be the dumbest person I know" I paused and said "whoa, excuse me" she says it again very clear. I am in total shock right now.
My wife struggles with her speech. She struggle with proper grammer and just speaking. She has ADD and took special ed courses all through high school. But she's insulting me? Lol. Sorry I'm getting petty now.
I married her because dating her she was soooo humble and sweet. I think I pump her head up so much with my compliments, my love, with the trips and the life I give her, she now feels it's cool to talk to your husband this..lol nah. I'm not that guy.
Idk but I deal with this attitude all the time and now I'm ready at peace with letting it go.

I think. Prayer time.

 

[Camelot]

If your wife goes out clubbing and thing's like that, I hope they award you primary custody of your children. God bless.

OMG Yes thank you. Something I did not consider if it goes that route.

 

[blue_ladybug]

OMG Yes thank you. Something I did not consider if it goes that route.

File for custody before she does. Tell them everything that's going on with her and that you feel your daughter is in an unsafe, unstable environment. Even mention about the unnecessary welfare.. She's trying to defraud the system and that's not cool.

 

[WarriorForChrist]

OMG Yes thank you. Something I did not consider if it goes that route.

I would start recording everything she is doing. I would also try and get full custody of your child like lady said. You don't have to file for divorce but definitely get custody because your wife seems like a loose cannon right now. If she has filed for things she isn't allowed due to your means of providing for them then that will go against her far as her stability. Keep on praying and have faith God will work this out for you.

 

[Ariel82]

I called my wife tonight. Feeling inspired. I ask her what her plans are. She trlls me what shes working of course everything evolves around welfare (sad) then I began explaining that I am not giving up I will be moving out there in two weeks as planned. But you have to cut off the food stamps and health insurance. All of us have all of that stuff already. I told her how I did call the welfare place and I told them the truth about everything. She was furious.
She paused and said "I don't believe you did that." Then repeats it and says "You have got to be the dumbest person I know" I paused and said "whoa, excuse me" she says it again very clear. I am in total shock right now.
My wife struggles with her speech. She struggle with proper grammer and just speaking. She has ADD and took special ed courses all through high school. But she's insulting me? Lol. Sorry I'm getting petty now.
I married her because dating her she was soooo humble and sweet. I think I pump her head up so much with my compliments, my love, with the trips and the life I give her, she now feels it's cool to talk to your husband this..lol nah. I'm not that guy.
Idk but I deal with this attitude all the time and now I'm ready at peace with letting it go.

I think. Prayer time.

Sounds like she is lashing out because she is not getting what she wants. She doesn't sound like she is thinking clearly, is she on meds for ADD. Sometimes they can affect the mind or she might just think it's too hard to be a grown up and wants to move home and let mom take care of her.

Don't know what is happening with her.

But definitely document and record what she is doing if you need to file for full custody. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Don't really have any insights to add. Just here to add my prayers.

Dear Heavenly Father, we pray over this situation. We lift up our brother Camelot, his wife, daughter, mother in law and all others to your loving arms. Please heal their hurts, clarify their minds to Your will and lead them back to Your will for their lives. Lord we don't know the words to speak or the actions to do in order that healing and restoration might come, but You do. Please teach us wisdom, gentleness and self control. Thank you God for this beautiful day, our loving children, your peace and joy in our hearts. Thank you for your overflowing love, give us the words to speak life giving waters to those we might and to be a light in this lost and dying world to lead people back to You, Lord. In Jesus Holy Name we pray amen.

 

[Angela53510]

Wow! Am I the only person who sees this so differently?

The OP and subsequent posts revealed a demanding and control freak man to me. Instead of leading by love, respect and showing forgiveness, you threaten divorce because she isn't doing exactly what you want.

I see a woman who has been beaten down emotionally and is trying to escape but without the courage to leave on her own. Like most emotionally abused women, she ran to someone, anyone to try and get away from the constant demeaning, and insults.

You married her because she was humble and sweet? Ok, that seems to be the only thing you want. You are suppressing her need to grow as a human being, accusing her of so many things, and you are unforgiving. What is she supposed to do? Bend till she is broken? I think it is wonderful she is getting some back bone. You should be praising God that she is standing up to you, and it is time to re-examine your whole approach to marriage - it is not one person getting his needs supplied by another. It is both people loving, caring, sharing and coming together to serve God together. It is not about one member of the relationship dominating and demanding the other conform to their wishes and false ideas of what marriage is.

It takes two to destroy a marriage. Time for you to be humble and try and repair this marriage by acknowledging your part in this break down of your marriage. Seek God on your knees and pray he will show you how to be a husband who loves, and doesn't demand and control her life.

As for the welfare, how much do you control the money she has? Are there strings attached to everything she buys, including food and household items. I can understand her fear of not having any money, when she is trying to separate from you. Are you giving her money before you get there? Do you trust her with money? If not, then you have answered your own questions.

Instead of putting her down for applying for welfare, try and put yourself in her position. Examine your own heart, and see what you have done to contribute to this untenable situation. See a broken woman, who wants financial independence but maybe has gone in the wrong direction to have it.

Sorry, I just totally see this whole broken marriage differently!

 

[BurlyCarl]

I didn't tell him to divorce. I am encouraging him to seek Counseling. Fight it!

 

[Camelot]

Wow! Am I the only person who sees this so differently?

The OP and subsequent posts revealed a demanding and control freak man to me. Instead of leading by love, respect and showing forgiveness, you threaten divorce because she isn't doing exactly what you want.

I see a woman who has been beaten down emotionally and is trying to escape but without the courage to leave on her own. Like most emotionally abused women, she ran to someone, anyone to try and get away from the constant demeaning, and insults.

You married her because she was humble and sweet? Ok, that seems to be the only thing you want. You are suppressing her need to grow as a human being, accusing her of so many things, and you are unforgiving. What is she supposed to do? Bend till she is broken? I think it is wonderful she is getting some back bone. You should be praising God that she is standing up to you, and it is time to re-examine your whole approach to marriage - it is not one person getting his needs supplied by another. It is both people loving, caring, sharing and coming together to serve God together. It is not about one member of the relationship dominating and demanding the other conform to their wishes and false ideas of what marriage is.

It takes two to destroy a marriage. Time for you to be humble and try and repair this marriage by acknowledging your part in this break down of your marriage. Seek God on your knees and pray he will show you how to be a husband who loves, and doesn't demand and control her life.

As for the welfare, how much do you control the money she has? Are there strings attached to everything she buys, including food and household items. I can understand her fear of not having any money, when she is trying to separate from you. Are you giving her money before you get there? Do you trust her with money? If not, then you have answered your own questions.

Instead of putting her down for applying for welfare, try and put yourself in her position. Examine your own heart, and see what you have done to contribute to this untenable situation. See a broken woman, who wants financial independence but maybe has gone in the wrong direction to have it.

Sorry, I just totally see this whole broken marriage differently!

Really? Wow. Ok I respect that response.
If that's what you feel strongly ok I will consider maybe I am. I've also been called a "h**, been called gay, ni**a, and everything else when my wife even suspects I am doing the wrong thing. Dumb, stupid but you suspect I am being controlling? I'm confused on how? That sounded more biased than fair if you ask me. I include my wife in every decision, I absolutely adored my wife, I'm crazy about her and what in facing hurts because she's a person I don't even recognize.
Yes humble is huge. What's wrong with that?
Now yeah I try and step up to pit my foot down when I nerd to but in no way do I intentionally try to defeat or mistreat my wife I want to up build her.
She did tell me today that she is going to stay in her mom's home and do as she wants and she's not coming back home to me but rather I can stay there with her if I want.
Like that's backbone alright, but rather why use it to fight or control me? Why not use it to help support a spouse? Why would my wife say something like this to me I've always supported her and been in her corner when no one else was. Man I love her so much I've humbled myself so much to fix my wrongs and to just try and move to AZ and she would talk like I don't mean crap to her. I mean she goes through my phone and deleted people she doesn't want me speaking to, she lies on me and I still try. I screw up too man but I try to move on. There's no respect. If you truly sense I'm controlling please pray for me to Jesus Christ that he fixes my brokenness and heal my heart. And save both I and my wife. Our souls.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Camelot, I call things as I see them, okay? What I see here is a wife who has stopped caring about you, about her marriage, AND about herself. For whatever reason, she's treating you horribly, and the longer you hold onto this marriage, the more you enable her to treat you like poo on a door mat. She wants to go live with mommy, that's fine. Let mommy put up with her for awhile. She obviously wants to be free of you and the marriage, and pretty much free of any responsibility. So I don't get why she wants you to live with her, and basically be her scapegoat whipping boy. :/ You can't help her, and you can't change her. Neither can God, since she obviously doesn't want His help either. He won't force her to change or come back to you. File for divorce, and file for full custody with only supervised visits for her. I'm sorry, but she's a bad wife and probably an equally lousy mother also, since she's subjecting her kid(s) to this malarky.

I know you love her, but sometimes love just is not enough. Without love, trust, respect, and honor, there is no marriage. And none of those qualities are in your marriage anymore. It's time to say "enough" and get out of this while you can.

 

[Becky124]

OH! My goodness thanks for sharing this. I need to stop doing that trying to control everything. I like to have things done a certain way where has that gotten me angry, bitter, and not the best person to be around. Take a good look in the mirror what are you teaching your children to be? Sad thing is I am a role model to my family and that is not good when I lash out. Take heart and know God will work all of this for Your good.

 

[Ariel82]

Praying for you Camelot.

With God anything is possible.

You love her but you also love your baby girl.at this time pray and seek what is best for the little one.

 

[Dan58]

I think it was a mistake to call and try to cancel her welfare, it will probably be replaced with alimony and child support later. I also think it would be a terrible mistake to quit your job, move to AZ, and live with your mother-in-law. You may love your wife, but don't be a glutton for punishment. Your both functioning independent of each other, both trying to call the shots, and ignoring each others wishes (non-communicative). Sounds like you really need a mediator right now (counseling), but if you move in with them, your going to need a referee. Its an odd situation, your wife leaves with your child and demands that you quit your job and move in with your mother-in-law, who doesn't even like you? That just sounds like a step backwards to me, and it would be a complete disaster... jmo