Intermediate passive aggression

Pipp · Apr 13, 2022

Lets talk about backhanded compliments..

You know , A backhanded compliment is a compliment that you give to a friend, a colleague, anyone really, and it is not a compliment at all. It is laced with insult, sometimes disguised so well as a compliment that you do not even realize it was there in the first place......

I remember a lady at a Church I use to attend told me " I love your shirt...its so..boho" in the next breath she said "I could never pull off that slouchy boho look"

Same lady once told me "I love your hair, It reminds me of Sister __________." 10 minutes later in the church bathroom mirror shes fussing with her own hair and says " UGH... MY HAIR LOOKS SO BAD.... IT LOOKS JUST LIKE SISTER _________S HAIR !"
She named the same lady she used as a compliment to me, as an insult to herself.

A young lady told me " I dont care what they all say about you, I think you're beautiful!"

Sounds nice , but who are they and what the heck are they saying about me ??? Lol

" You have such a cute face for a chubby girl"

"If you lost weight , you'd be a knockout"

I have quite a few...

How about you ??? Has anyone ever paid you a backhanded compliment ?

NOTE : THIS THREAD WAS NOT CREATED TO FISH FOR COMPLIMENTS, I hope it doesnt come across that way.

seoulsearch · Apr 13, 2022

Pipp said:

I think most everyone has heard this particular version of a "compliment" that's really an insult: "You're really (insert pleasant-sounding adjective here) for a (looked-down-upon characteristic or group here.)"

I have to admit, hearing something like this, especially if said to my friends, really activates the un-Christian, super sarcastic part of me that wants to retort: "You know, you're almost, sorta, kind of smart -- for a really stupid person."

Alas, so far, I have managed to restrain myself.

And if I'm 100% honest, I'm sure I'm guilty of very unwittingly dishing out these kinds of "compliments" to others as well.

Magenta · Apr 13, 2022

Back in the day... in my thirties... my, that was a long time ago

Anyways. Back then, I was writing poetry. Or had written quite a bit of poetry

I was also drinking in those days, and had a favorite neighborhood hangout.

I would tell people my poems. Didn't matter if I knew you or not

One guy told me he did not believe a lush such as myself could write such exceptional poems

Live4Him2 · Apr 13, 2022

Pipp said:

Well, I learned something today.

Apparently, I didn't understand what a backhanded compliment truly was until just now.

In my ignorance (which, in this particular case, truly was bliss), I thought that a backhanded compliment was when somebody tried to insult you, but you actually took it as a compliment as you considered the source from which it came.

In fact, I just thanked a poster on this forum (right before I put him on "ignore") for a backhanded compliment a few days ago in accordance with my faulty understanding of what it truly is. In that particular case, he called me "a master deceiver", and seeing how I truly believe that Satan was the one inspiring him to falsely accuse me of the same, I took it as a backhanded compliment or an acknowledgement from Satan that he was trying to discourage me because I'm some sort of threat to him and his kingdom.

Come to think of it, as wrong as I've been, I like my (mis-) understanding of what a backhanded compliment is better than what it truly is in that I've often been encouraged by the false accusations of people whose opinions have not been worthy of my respect over the years.

Anyhow, I just thought that the timing of this thread was interesting, so I chimed in.

Was THAT a backhanded compliment?

Did I just say that this tread isn't interesting, but only its timing?

Somebody might actually read it that way, but it most certainly wasn't what I was saying.

On a somewhat related note, I'd like to say that almost every time that I give someone a genuine compliment, especially if that someone is a female, it is immediately misconstrued as me having some sort of ulterior motive, and basically never received as a genuine compliment. In fact, that happened to me just a few days ago with a forum member here, and it happens to me all the time outside of this forum in the every day affairs of my life. I've actually allowed this, at times, to keep me from giving people compliments, and it's something that I hate caving in to, and that I have to fight against pretty regularly in my life. In other words, I hate not truly being myself for fear of how others might misjudge me.

Just my two cents worth.

eXric · Apr 13, 2022

Pipp said:

Lets talk about backhanded compliments..

You know , A backhanded compliment is a compliment that you give to a friend, a colleague, anyone really, and it is not a compliment at all. It is laced with insult, sometimes disguised so well as a compliment that you do not even realize it was there in the first place......

I remember a lady at a Church I use to attend told me " I love your shirt...its so..boho" in the next breath she said "I could never pull off that slouchy boho look"

Same lady once told me "I love your hair, It reminds me of Sister __________." 10 minutes later in the church bathroom mirror shes fussing with her own hair and says " UGH... MY HAIR LOOKS SO BAD.... IT LOOKS JUST LIKE SISTER _________S HAIR !"
She named the same lady she used as a compliment to me, as an insult to herself.

A young lady told me " I dont care what they all say about you, I think you're beautiful!"

Sounds nice , but who are they and what the heck are they saying about me ??? Lol

" You have such a cute face for a chubby girl"

"If you lost weight , you'd be a knockout"

I have quite a few...

How about you ??? Has anyone ever paid you a backhanded compliment ?

NOTE : THIS THREAD WAS NOT CREATED TO FISH FOR COMPLIMENTS, I hope it doesnt come across that way.

It does not come across that way.

Lanolin · Apr 13, 2022

ugh
I avoid those ppl that do that
I dont remember what they say, just that they seem sincere until you come away from them feeling rotten.

My big sister used to do it a lot, like she was only tolerating me cos I was her little sister. I never did it back to her, and I dont do it to anyone else. To me its just bullying.

Rhomphaeam · Apr 13, 2022

Live4Him2 said:

Being less self absorbed would deal with all kinds of insults - including the need to falsely flatter.

And for the record, I called you an accomplished deceiver. Master you are not. I also corrected your comment about my saying you are an accomplished deceiver when you told me that I was making a backhanded compliment. Try believing what you hear and stop projecting onto others what you refuse directly. Ridiculous. The British don't flatter for effect.

Lanolin · Apr 13, 2022

I think some compliments you have to take on the chin, for example, some marvels how skinny you are and they mean it as a compliment cos they themselves are ...plump. But sometimes they just want you to eat more, I dont know, however, people that do that dont usually share their food.

so not sure if its a compliment at all after that...maybe just an observation. However I dont go around observing how much people weigh and tell people what they already know eg you are fat. Which may or may not be a compliment just as being skinny is. Or how about wow you are the right size for you.

Just seems a bit redundant.

Magenta · Apr 13, 2022

Live4Him2 said:

Rhomphaeam said:

It seems neither of you got it right in the retelling

For the record

seoulsearch · Apr 13, 2022

eXric said:

This observation brings about an interesting thought as to what would actually be considered a backhanded compliment or not, and who would feel insulted by it or not.

I've always seen a backhanded compliment as an insult in disguise, whether the person saying it realizes it or not.

For example, the most blatant examples I can think of are, for instance, as Pipp said, when someone says, "You're really (positive attribute) for a (group of people I look down at.")

I used to work in an area with very high racial tensions, and it made me absolutely cringe when I heard people say things to others who weren't their own race such as, "You're really pretty for a (person who isn't my race,)" or "You talk pretty good for someone who (is part of a race or class I see as being uneducated or unworthy.)"

I'm sure some people actually do mean well, but the implication, of course, is that whatever group they're saying you're part of (chubby, a different race, a different social class) isn't "normally"what they're speaking highly of (smart, pretty, well-spoken,) and so the person they're complimenting is somehow a rare exception among that group.

Lynx · Apr 13, 2022

From a radio show called visit New Grimston anyway:

"You remind me of my Aunt Martha."

"Aw thanks!"

"Yup. Crazy as a loon, she was!"

OneOfHis · Apr 13, 2022

I'm incredibly tall and productive for a short procrastinator.

I can't remember the last time someone gave me one of these half compliments, but I jokingly say them from time to time when I know it isn't going to offend.

I think they can be pretty silly. (or unintentionally offensive🤦🏻‍♂️🤔🤣)

Lynx · Apr 13, 2022

Magenta said:

Thanks! That one made me chuckle.

seoulsearch · Apr 13, 2022

OneOfHis said:

I never realized it's possible to backhandedly compliment one's own self, but I learn something new everyday.

Lynx · Apr 13, 2022

Somebody in this very thread is continually surprised by how perceptive I am about some things... For a guy.

Ain't saying who.

Live4Him2 · Apr 13, 2022

I'll add one more thing, and this is more in line with the thread's title "intermediate passive aggression".

We really shouldn't pay any mind to the negative things that people say about us (and I'm talking more about our actions than our outward appearances or looks), whether they're said directly or indirectly, UNLESS THEY'RE TRUE.

If they're true, then we should repent before both God and the affected party.

If, however, they're false, and by "false" I mean that those words or sentiments aren't a true reflection of how GOD sees us, then we need to simply stick with GOD'S assessment of us, and not be bothered by the faulty opinions of others.

I struggled GREATLY with this in the past.

In fact, I got saved after almost dying of a drug overdose about 33 1/2 years ago. It took the doctors 5 hours to get my heartbeat back to normal, so you can imagine that that was a pretty traumatic event in my life. Immediately thereafter, like the next day, I began having MASSIVE panic attacks. My attacks were so debilitating that I had to quit my job, and I literally couldn't even drive my car for more than a mile or two without having to pull over and call somebody to pray for me.

Initially, I thought that my panic attacks were directly related to my near-overdose, but, after much prayer, I came to understand that that wasn't really the case. My "Aha!" moment actually came when I was watching the Hollywood-made movie called "The Bible" which was their version of the first 12 chapters of the book of Genesis. When the part about Noah's flood came on, I had the biggest panic attack ever, and I literally thought that I was going to die. Right then, however, God clearly spoke to me and said "THIS is your problem", with the "this" meaning CONDEMNATION (the world was being condemned by the flood).

In other words, I had MANY PEOPLE in my life who were constantly misjudging and condemning me throughout the years, and that is what was the real root of my panic attacks.

Anyhow, I said all of that to simply say this.

At that time, God led me to the following portion of scripture which not only set me free from my anxiety attacks, but also literally revolutionized my entire life:

I Peter chapter 2

[20] For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.
[21] For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:
[22] Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth:
[23] Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:
[24] Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.

I think that it's safe to say that there has never been anyone who has had more evil things said about him than Jesus Christ, and he endured it all by "committing himself to him that judges righteously" or to his Father in heaven.

When people say something negative about you, whether directly or indirectly, look up and get God's assessment of the situation.

Again, if there's any truth in what they're saying, then repent before both God and the affected party.

However, if there's no truth in it whatsoever, and oftentimes there isn't, then just go with God's assessment of the situation because he is the righteous judge, and only his judgment will matter in the end.

Sorry to have gone off on somewhat of a tangent here, but, at the same time, I'm thinking that somebody following this thread, whether now or in the future, might need to hear this.

Lynx · Apr 13, 2022

This person is also often surprised about how perceptive I am about some things... For a nerd.

Lynx · Apr 13, 2022

Okay, okay, I admit this person does not mean it as a backhanded compliment. It was still funny to put in this thread.

kinda · Apr 13, 2022

Pipp said:

Seems like you are fishing for compliments.

O.k., on a serious note, sorry to hear about your experience at church, that is to bad.

I will say it this way, one time my neighbor's invited me to their church, the first thing I said, when I got in the car was, only sinners goto church. I meant it. We are all sinners, so we have to keep that in mind. I have plenty of faults, but try not to focus on them. I'd rather focus on who can save me from my faults. We just have to do the best we can, that is really all we can do.

I usually don't get the back handed compliments, mine are usually the fully weighted insults directed at me. Whatever! My personality is a little off some times, but I'm working on being a better person, one day at a time. I can totally be opinionated at times, but slowly trying to smooth out the edges, and listen more.

Anyways, if anyone puts you down, and you feel bad because of it, give it to Jesus, and pray for your enemies. That works for me. It's better than stewing over some comment that a person, who probably doesn't even like you in the first place, or probably has some serious personal issues, that is taken it out on you.

A quote that stuck in my mind, forget who said it. Can't miss a friend, who I never had.

OneOfHis · Apr 13, 2022

seoulsearch said:

Ohhhh you've always been pretty honest............

for a woman.🤓

Intermediate passive aggression

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