Is my husband cheating on me?

[Ugly]

Sounds like your over-reacting.. Don't get jealous until there's something to be jealous about.. And I don't know why everyone recommends talking to your Pastor, they aren't marriage counselors. Men and women can be friends, even if they're married. But if they are getting together, you ought to make yourself a part of that.. jmo

Her husband was sneaking around behind his wife's back talking to an old gf, who is also married. He took their child to meet this woman, behind his wife's back. And once she found out what was going on he spends more time texting this old flame than he does his own wife. Even when his wife says she's unhappy he completely disregards his wife, ignoring her, and continues doing what he wants... with another woman. All day and night.
When a man gives that much attention to a woman 9 times out of 10 it's attraction/emotion.
When a man goes behind his wife's back to meet an old flame, that's because he feels something. P
When he disregards his wife in favor of another woman, that is not a godly model of marriage.
When he introduces his child to this old flame he is constantly texting, thats a red flag.
This isn't overreacting. This is a man putting another woman ahead of his wife and disregarding his wife.

 

[Solemateleft]

Greetings W, I've read thru this thread and I am very sorry that you are having to suffer so - as a result of the lack of consideration and appreciation for the implications and impacts that his actions is having upon you, and potentially to your family...
While I agree that there does not appear to be any evidence of infidelity, there does appear strong evidence that an 'emotional relationship' has been re-kindled. Nothing good can come of an 'emotional relationship' when the potential risks and implications only have increased chance of encounters with temptation...
If your husband remains committed to you, to your marriage and to your vows - than he should be agreeable to accompany you to attend marriage counseling... You are correct - you do not need to put yourself in a position of him constantly rebutting and questioning your trust and insecurities... Rather, tell him to put his money where his mouth is and simply foot the bill for the two of you to hear it from a trained professional...

I'll pray for you, your situation and your family - God Bless

 

[Stunnedbygrace]

Her husband was sneaking around behind his wife's back talking to an old gf, who is also married. He took their child to meet this woman, behind his wife's back. And once she found out what was going on he spends more time texting this old flame than he does his own wife. Even when his wife says she's unhappy he completely disregards his wife, ignoring her, and continues doing what he wants... with another woman. All day and night.
When a man gives that much attention to a woman 9 times out of 10 it's attraction/emotion.
When a man goes behind his wife's back to meet an old flame, that's because he feels something. P
When he disregards his wife in favor of another woman, that is not a godly model of marriage.
When he introduces his child to this old flame he is constantly texting, thats a red flag.
This isn't overreacting. This is a man putting another woman ahead of his wife and disregarding his wife.

I agree. The red flag of taking the child along is what really bothered me. Is it to try to convince himself he is emotionally innocent or is it a protection in case she were to find out about it? He probably doesn't even fully know why he did it. When we are doing something dishonest in our heart, we throw up the fig leaves to cover it even to ourselves.

 

[Ugly]

I agree. The red flag of taking the child along is what really bothered me. Is it to try to convince himself he is emotionally innocent or is it a protection in case she were to find out about it? He probably doesn't even fully know why he did it. When we are doing something dishonest in our heart, we throw up the fig leaves to cover it even to ourselves.

I agree. I suspect he feels some degree of guilt over his actions, but he is too busy enjoying the attention to listen to his guilt.

 

[Stunnedbygrace]

Which would be one of the reasons I would bet he would refuse to go to a counselor - fear of it coming out that at the very least, he is having a nonphysical dalliance. He thinks he has hidden it but in my opinion its pretty plain to see.

My husband always refused counseling because he didn't want to face pain and emotions. He had a mixed up, messed up childhood and severing his emotions was how he dealt with it and protected himself.

Counseling or the thought of it was just too scary for him. And he hadn't met God like I did about 10 years into our marriage so he was just going it alone with no help to get emotionally healthy. There's not much you can do when a person wants to keep everything hidden.

I hope I'm wrong and that he won't refuse counseling so they can get healthier. And I hope the original poster goes to God with all this mess and heartache. I don't know how I'd have lived through it without having met God first.

 

[Whackado]

Thank you all for your suggestions, perspectives and prayers. Last night I told him I spoke to her via FB. He asked me why I would do that. He seemed hurt, not mad. Since the ice breaker included a surprise party for him, I had difficulty being straightforward. He questioned my motivation for contacting her and my trust for him. I later broke down and read his FB messages. All content appeared innocent. The conversations were fluid. It did not appear that portions were deleted. They made suggestions of fun things for a family to do together- some of which he suggested to me. They spoke about old times, old friends and respective family members that they used to interact with when they dated. The conversations were appropriate. There was one message that stated her husband was going out of town and she suggested meeting up at a family-friendly place, it's a public place, where the kids could play. There were no text messages to or from her. I find that odd because I know they text too. I dont normally snoop through his phone. A couple of months ago I asked to see his phone. He showed me the conversations in FB. I also looked at his messages without his permission. There was not anything inappropriate. I felt bad, so i told him I looked in his messages (even though he knows I read it he later deleted all of them and in my insecure moments, I have checked his phone and there are no conversations via text, even though I know they text as well as use FB. I don't know what to think. I had conversations with him in the recent past about emotional infidelity. That's how infidelity occurred in my first marriage, though I must acknowledge that my husband and I have a much better foundation than I had before. I don't know what to think anymore. It is all so confusing.

 

[Karraster]

Hi Whackado, so very sorry for the loss of your dad. Both my parents are gone now, loosing them was quite difficult. I hope you've supportive people in your life who are emotionally there for you.

You ever watched the movie "Gas Light"? It's an old film from the 40's, I believe was made twice, the version I saw was with Ingrid Bergman. It was from that film the term "gaslighting" was coined I believe. Altho your circumstances are different, you remind me of Ingrid's character in that firm, where, she was perfectly sane. It was he (her husband) torturing her mentally, trying to convince her she was crazy. I think it's typically Narcissists who do this, it's a form of manipulation. Ya know, act like jerks then make it seem as if it's you who are in the wrong.

To be clear, yeah I called your husband a jerk. That's about as far as I can go with what info I've read so far. I hope he wakes up soon and realizes what he is taking for granted.

 

[blue_ladybug]

If he's texting her at 5 am, SOMETHING is going on between them..

 

[tourist]

My thoughts are to file for divorce from the leech.

 

[Whackado]

Well I feel like a total jerk! Appearently she has 2 Facebook accounts one with her husband and one in her maiden name. Her maiden name is what is on her Facebook and her married name is what is listed in my husband's contacts for her. That's why I couldn't find her name on the contacts. I felt guilty for looking in his phone for text messages in addition to FB messages, so I told him about it. He was annoyed/offended that I was still being all paranoid. He showed me the text messages. The time stamps were consistent with times I knew she was texting. They do not text at 5 in the morning but sometimes early since they are on about the same schedule. The texts were all appropriate. I'm relieved to feel at peace with this situation finally. Is been really rough. My husband is a good person. He understood why I was so upset given my recent loss of my dad and the circumstances surrounding the blatant infidelity in my first marriage. He told me that he has no problem not talking to her as much or at all if I wanted. He told me that he is very happy and that there is not anyone or anything more important than me and our daughter. I liked the fact that he understood where I was coming from. He told me that he was digging his heals in out of principle and that because I have never been the jealous type, he thought things would blow over shortly. He admitted he minimised the intensity of my feelings and chalked it up to stress and that causing me to be insecure. He felt that if he stopped talking to her it was admitting to something he was not guilty of, not only that but when I "came to my senses," their friendship would have come to an end for no reason. I'm just thankful we had this dialog that feels truthful and productive in my spirit. I had a few months where I let myself be robbed of peace and solidarity. God is not the author of confusion. I don't have a perfect marriage for sure. I don't know anyone who does, but I love being married to my husband. He really is a good man, stubborn, misguided, and not always intuitive, but a really great person. I'm thankful for my marriage and just pray that God continues to bless it. Thank you all again for the perspectives. I like this website a lot. It is nice to converse with fellow Christians. God bless all of you!

 

[jenniferand2]

Well I feel like a total jerk! Appearently she has 2 Facebook accounts one with her husband and one in her maiden name. Her maiden name is what is on her Facebook and her married name is what is listed in my husband's contacts for her. That's why I couldn't find her name on the contacts. I felt guilty for looking in his phone for text messages in addition to FB messages, so I told him about it. He was annoyed/offended that I was still being all paranoid. He showed me the text messages. The time stamps were consistent with times I knew she was texting. They do not text at 5 in the morning but sometimes early since they are on about the same schedule. The texts were all appropriate. I'm relieved to feel at peace with this situation finally. Is been really rough. My husband is a good person. He understood why I was so upset given my recent loss of my dad and the circumstances surrounding the blatant infidelity in my first marriage. He told me that he has no problem not talking to her as much or at all if I wanted. He told me that he is very happy and that there is not anyone or anything more important than me and our daughter. I liked the fact that he understood where I was coming from. He told me that he was digging his heals in out of principle and that because I have never been the jealous type, he thought things would blow over shortly. He admitted he minimised the intensity of my feelings and chalked it up to stress and that causing me to be insecure. He felt that if he stopped talking to her it was admitting to something he was not guilty of, not only that but when I "came to my senses," their friendship would have come to an end for no reason. I'm just thankful we had this dialog that feels truthful and productive in my spirit. I had a few months where I let myself be robbed of peace and solidarity. God is not the author of confusion. I don't have a perfect marriage for sure. I don't know anyone who does, but I love being married to my husband. He really is a good man, stubborn, misguided, and not always intuitive, but a really great person. I'm thankful for my marriage and just pray that God continues to bless it. Thank you all again for the perspectives. I like this website a lot. It is nice to converse with fellow Christians. God bless all of you!

I am glad your at peace now that is great.. Also sit down with your hubby and have a conversations about how to keep you marriage alive so there will not be hopefully anymore times either one of you feel insecure. You are a very lucky lady my hubbys texts etc.. were not innocent at all and now I have no trust in him. I was ready to leave him when he had what they call a widow maker heart attack. He has sense had a stent put in and is recovering. Even a near death experience did not help him much with his attitude.. sadly ... At this time I am still doing college and waiting for spring to roll around to see about leaving him then... He has been a bit better sense his heart attacks but not as much as I would like.
I would feel so blessed if I could have some one love me so much and not be a horrible person

 

[oldethennew]

Dear Heavenly Father,

I will be so thankful when 'today's world' is over'...
so many are so far away from Your Precious Love for them, that all that
they can apparently see is 'themselves', and You seem to have faded-out
of the equation/picture, of just what You have taught from the very beginning,
about what is 'right and what is wrong' - 'what will work to help us grow, and
what 'won't work to help us to succeed in our personal lives...

and yes, apparently, for most, they have chosen 'satan's ways' to be their
'guide-lines' in how to live a beautiful, self-centered, Godless life...

 

[Whackado]

I'm not entirely sure where you are going with the statement above. I'm not going to react in an indignant manner just in case you did not mean the post in an indignant way.... but just in case, I have been praying about this situation for a while now. I have asked God to temper my fears and give me discernment concerning my marriage. I'm quite thankful for all of the things that God had done in my life in general, but certainly in my marriage. If you have seen any of my other posts, I make a point to give the praise to God. I don't only pray for myself and my situations, but I pray for others. People I know, and those I don't. I like this online community is great for the most part, but I think people have a way of making snap judgments about others anymore. We have grown cynical. I am more than aware that the blessings that have come despite much bad could only come from God.

 

[EarnestQ]

I clicked on the link and the website does not seem to exist. Is there a misspelling?

 

[mcubed]

My husband has been back in contact with his old GF from high school for almost a year. We are 40 now and they dated over 20 years ago. I told him I'm not comfortable with how often they text each other. They text throughout the day and evening. I can't imagine how much they have to say to one another in a day. He certainly is not that attentive to my texts. He still texts her. There has been no change with our intimacy, but I'm sick of him disregarding the way I feel. I'm not normally a jealous person, but she took her kids (without her husband) and met up with my husband and daughter for a day of fun together. He didn't mention who she was or anything about her until I found out and asked questions. I don't want to be unnecessarily jealous, but this does not settled well with me. We were out with friends tonight and he was obviously texting her literally behind my back. He thought i could not see him texting. Any thoughts?

How can we know? Red his phone. But if he is make sure what you want to do about it. Do not threaten empty threats he might take you up on, make sure you can back them up. But do not be a jealous wife just ask and if you are a good snily woman read his phone, many times (and keep your mouth shut) until you get the full picture or he can make a story for one or two text....

 

[brighthouse98]

Sometimes sister wachado, the other person needs to see how it feels rather then be told how you feel.We are to be shrewd!! hehe( matt 10:16) So I would start texting a close male friend you have,and when he asks who you are texting you can tell him since he texts close female friends I thought it would be ok to text my male friend. NOW!!!!! He will get it!! LOL

 

[blue_ladybug]

Worst advice ever...

Sometimes sister wachado, the other person needs to see how it feels rather then be told how you feel.We are to be shrewd!! hehe( matt 10:16) So I would start texting a close male friend you have,and when he asks who you are texting you can tell him since he texts close female friends I thought it would be ok to text my male friend. NOW!!!!! He will get it!! LOL

 

[brighthouse98]

Most men, not all men,hate to be nagged!! They tune women out like they would a radio,I sure did! Most men do not like being told what to do by a woman,and in fact will do the direct opposite in many cases,just to show them who the head is! Most woman are smarter then men, and know how to get there way if they use the wisdom God gave them.

Case and point! My girlfriend told me that I was not spending enough time with her,after a couple of weeks, she decided to spend less time with me, to show me how it feels! It worked!! LOL When a man sees he is wrong, then and usually only then will he change his mind. I know things should not be this way,but in reality in most cases it is! So what is worse to some is a gem to others.