Is this unequally yoked? :( Please help

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confusedchic

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Hi there,

I come from a born again Christian family. Yes, I was driven by flesh and emotions during my younger years to this wonderful guy who was not a believer in Christ at that point. :-)

He is a really nice guy and his personality attracted me, but since he was not a believer at that time I was lil upset....but I started praying for him and shared my faith with him. In the beginning he believed "there is a supernatural being." Now through the examples of my life, and through how my prayers helped him in several times,(he reads Bible too) he has changed a lot now and has started to believe in Christ couple of years ago. He has changed a lot over the years! But I would not call him a firm believer yet.4 years later now, he proposed to me, and he has changed a lot in his belief system over the years. [He comes from a Hindu family, but never practices his religion.]

I want to marry him, but I am unsure whether this would be considered unequally yoked according to the Bible? Really confused. Please Help :-(
 
Either he is a born again true believer, or he isn't. There is no in between.

I would never advise a believer to marry someone who does not solidly believe in God and share the same beliefs.
You also have to be careful that this person isn't saying he's changing just for you. Faith in God is a personal thing. If someone claims it for the wrong reasons, that just isn't genuine..There will be no solid foundation there, and that will show in time. There is no guarantee that he will ever truly come to God.

It's obvious you really care for this man, so I'm sure that would cause you to try to hope for the best and try to justify moving forward, whether it's actually right or not. That's something else to be careful with.

The confusion you're having should say something too.
 
confusedchic said:
Hi there,

I come from a born again Christian family. Yes, I was driven by flesh and emotions during my younger years to this wonderful guy who was not a believer in Christ at that point. :-)

He is a really nice guy and his personality attracted me, but since he was not a believer at that time I was lil upset....but I started praying for him and shared my faith with him. In the beginning he believed "there is a supernatural being." Now through the examples of my life, and through how my prayers helped him in several times,(he reads Bible too) he has changed a lot now and has started to believe in Christ couple of years ago. He has changed a lot over the years! But I would not call him a firm believer yet.4 years later now, he proposed to me, and he has changed a lot in his belief system over the years. [He comes from a Hindu family, but never practices his religion.]

I want to marry him, but I am unsure whether this would be considered unequally yoked according to the Bible? Really confused. Please Help :-(
Click to expand...

You said he started to believe in Christ a couple years ago. Did he repent and accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior at that time? If he did, then he is a christian even though his faith might be very weak.
 
Interestingly enough we hit this topic at a church I went to recently.

I encourage you to think about what niceguy shared. You want to make sure this guy is a true believer in Christ, and that he is actually living for Jesus because it's his hearts desire, and not just because he thinks you want him to. The confusion you feel, again great point brought up by niceguy. At the very least you need to take this issue to your knees and pray about it, and go to God's word on matters of marriage.

Whether or not he practices Hinduism is not the issue, the issue is whether or not he has given his life to God.
 
Well, there is more to yoking equality than just the state of someone's salvation. The depth of your faith, devotion, understanding, etc should also match. For instance, a baby Christian will likely be unequally yoked with a Christian of many years. Though this isn't alway the case, it's certainly something to be aware of. I have two friends who married relatively new Christians and seem to be doing well. Both were raised in great Christian homes and have been serious about their faith since childhood. One married a Honduran man she met in Honduras during her trips there. When they started dating, he'd only been serious about his faith for a year or two. The other friend married a man who was very new to his faith. His stepfather was devout and his mom cheated on her husband and moved hundreds of miles away leaving her 7 boys and thir two kids with the husband.
It's something to be prayerful about... And to seek wise counsel for.
 
Does he believe Jesus is the only God, or does he believe Jesus is one of many gods?

Also, what are the signs that he is not a firm believer?
 
Jordache said:
Well, there is more to yoking equality than just the state of someone's salvation. The depth of your faith, devotion, understanding, etc should also match. For instance, a baby Christian will likely be unequally yoked with a Christian of many years. Though this isn't alway the case, it's certainly something to be aware of.
Click to expand...
That's a really good, and often overlooked point...definitely something that should be taken into consideration.
 
@ Libertygirl- He never believed in many Gods, he always believed there is only God, but was unsure as to "who" that was in the beginning....now he knows it is Jesus
By firm believer I meant he is not baptized, and he doesn't really know the Bible that well....I was asking do all these mean it is unequally yoked?
 
confusedchic said:
@ Libertygirl- He never believed in many Gods, he always believed there is only God, but was unsure as to "who" that was in the beginning....now he knows it is Jesus
By firm believer I meant he is not baptized, and he doesn't really know the Bible that well....I was asking do all these mean it is unequally yoked?
Click to expand...

Note that the scripture only says to not be yoked with unbelievers. It does not say anything about how mature in Christ someone is or isn't.

2 Corinthians 6:14 NIV
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
 
Confusedchic at the risk of confusing you further, I think you're asking the wrong question, so I'm going to try and answer two questions that I think are really at the core of your confusion. Sorry if I'm totally off topic.

"Is he really saved"
There's a lot of theological debates surrounding this sort of thing. Biblically there are a few verses that seem pretty clear, but how they really play out in our lives is a little bit more difficult to really define. Matthew 7 is used as a basis for many people's belief that the inward change of the holy spirit WILL have an outward and noticeable affect. Since sin still haunts us, our fruits aren't always holy, so things get complicated around this. In the end, I think the answer to this question is safest coming from family(or church family) who see an interact with him.

"Is it God's Will for me to marry this man."
Whether you are equally yoked, or unequally yoked; whether you are much stronger in your faith than him; whether he is really saved or not; at most can help lead you to answer the real question. People here can help guide you based on our knowledge of God and His word, but in the end the answer comes down to God's will. He knows what is good, and what may be good for some of us isn't good for all of us. What He plans for some of us is not what he plans for others of us.

Hope this helps.

EDIT: Added support for Zero's post.
 
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It sounds like it's not a very peaceful situation for you, Sis, which isn't a good sign. Pray for wisdom in this situation, but I'll be honest with you. If you aren't sure that God wants the two of you to marry, PLEASE don't do it. If you want more evidence, there are at least a dozen threads here in which those of us who married and regretted it posted. And believe me, I doubt a single one of the people who expressed that remorse thought that the marriage would end in divorce when they were engaged. Also, even if he IS as strong a believer as you are, that doesn't mean that the Lord wants you to marry him.
 
First things first. You say you started this relationship with this guy with fornication involved. The fact that you started with that completely nullifies your "evangelism" to this guy. He may be reading his bible but the fact is is that you without words told him its ok to be a hypocrite. Thats what you were preaching to him. My first question is, are you still sleeping with him? (and that includes intercourse, outercourse, heavy petting/intimate touching,oral sex, mutual masturbation etc its all sexual sin). If you were to leave the relationship would he carry on continuing being a "Christian" ? Probably not. And if he can't carry on without you then Jesus is in fact not his saviour but the relationship is and that is a sin and you are causing him to sin (since you are apparently the more "mature" Christian you would be doubly held accountable before the Lord for your actions).

As for him being a genuine Christian there are a couple of things that would stick out in my mind:

- Has he publically made a declaration of faith among the church community or to a mature Christian other than you like the Pastor or someone in leadership?

- If he beleives in Christ then ask him to give his testimony. If he never mentions a personal relationship with Jesus or progress he is making in that then no I wouldn't say he has a genuine faith. The bible says even Satan and demons believe in God and they shudder. So its not enough to say "I believe in God"

- If he has had a genuine faith conversion like above then you should be seeing this in action. Has he joined a church? Immature new christians esp men from other cultures and religions esp have a huge need to join a church and be under discipling mentorship of a trusted male Christian, who should be teaching him how to biblically date and pursue marriage. This cannot come from you!. There are certain things that men need to learn from other men, they cannot learn it from women. Also, have you seen him pray? Whats his prayer life like? No praying= alarm bells.

- Another thing, if he is wanting to be genuinely biblical in his approach has he sought the approval of your family particularly your father? You said you come from a born again christian family. I will take as meaning your parents are christian and they raised you "christianese." If he hasn't bothered or has failed to prove to your family his worth as a potential spouse then no Id say hes failed. Dating is when men (and women) are supposed to be on their best behaviour. If they're not giving you their best during that stage you can be sure as heck you won't get it in marriage.

- Are you wanting to marry this guy just cos you're so prematurely emotionally involved with him? Sounds to be like you're just so incrediably lustful after this guy. And you're pulling the number one dumb mistake that all immature christian women pull. They date and marry spiritually immature men not because its honoring God but because they see "potential." Dumb idea alert!! This man is supposed to lead your family spiritually. You according to the bible are going to have to trust that he is going to base all his decisions on the bible because biblically you will be submitting to him. You are going to be submitting to him negatively or positively. Do you 100% trust that he will do this? And in order for him to do this effectively and take this role seriously has he thoroughly studied the bible and read up on what God expects of him as a man let alone a husband and father?

- Im sure this guy is absolutely lover-ly! But being wonderful and attractive is not enough. Christian divorce is just as high as secular divorce. Oh and heres another thing. Have you even taken into consideration the cultural differences? Have you asked him what role he expects of you to fulfill in marriage? You say hes raised Hindu, does that mean hes Indian or something similar ethnically? Have you looked at his family and esp his mother? Cos I bet you 100 bucks, what hes witnessed of his mother throughout his life I bet he will expect from you. Hindu families are extremely conservative and religious. If he is a so called Christian, what does his family think of this? Does his family still have household idols that they worship? Theres something to think about. Is he still involved in family cultural practices that are just thinly veiled superstitions?

Heres a book I very much recommend - 101 Questions to ask before getting engaged. I recommend you buy it. Its very good.
 
@cc bride - thank you for your input. I just said I fell in love with him even though he wasn't a Christian at that time. I didn't say anything about fornication. We both are from Indian community and premarital sex or anything like that isn't allowed for us first of all. I think the way I wrote my initial post confused you. when I said "driven by flesh" I just meant I was attracted by his gentle nature and personality, but I didn't know about his faith initially. :)
 
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Hi Confused,

I was just wondering, and I'm sorry if you've already stated this, what do your pastors, family, and Christian mentors say about your marrying this guy? I was just curious.

I agree with everyone else here who has said that "unequally yoked" is an entire span of two people's personalities and lifestyles as well as faith. But I'm not thoroughly convinced that people can always say it won't work because after all, there is ALWAYS going to be SOME kind of unequal yoke. What's important is what God wants to do with it and I do believe that only He knows which pairings will be successful and which won't (though sometimes I do believe He purposely calls us to difficult situations, including a marriage that won't be perfect.)

Personal examples I have seen:

1. My parents were from very different denominations which would probably be seen as an "unequal yoking", but have been happily married for 45 years.

2. I had a boss who became a brand-new Christian while dating the woman who became his wife (she was a lifelong Christian) and they have been married about 35 years.

3. Two elders in my church were also an unequally yoked couple--he started going to church just because of her while they were dating. God did an amazing work in them and they've been married almost 50 years, as well as having their own ministry.

4. In the Bible, Esther was led to marry a heathen king. We don't have any evidence that he ever became a believer--most likely, he did not. And I'm not sure it was absolutely God's will that they marry, but that's what happened and God obviously worked it out.

I would like to suggest though, that if you don't have peace or the blessing of those around you who are your spiritual teachers, please give it a second thought, take your time, and wait for God to give you a more positive, peaceful outlook before going any further. God bless and keep us posted!
 
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I like the last paragraph of SeoulSearch's post. Although I've never been married, I'd ask my parents what they thought about the whole thing before becoming engaged. I'm sure I'd also talk to them about it long before that as well. If either parent thinks that it's a bad idea, it almost surely is.

The only pasrt of Kim's post that I disagree with is that Esther was led to marry a heathen. I'd really phrase it more that she was almost taken as a slave, really; Mordecai knew that she'd be taken, as she was one of the most beautiful girls in the land. If I'm remembering the story wrong, please feel free to let me know; I'm not trying to be argumentative. I do agree that that was how God rescued the Jews from Haman's plot to destroy them, so I do believe it was in His plan.
 
Hey Sis (Jilly) :),

You are right, the Jewish people were taken as slaves. When I said "led to marry" I didn't mean that God introduced them and she fell in love and felt the need to marry this man, I just meant that God either arranged the circumstances under which they would meet ( such as the fact that Queen Vashti was removed from her position, leading the king to look for a new queen) or used the situation at hand (or both) according to His will, which, of course, was to save His people.

Thanks for pointing out the need for clarification ;). (Your big sister is becoming more generalized in her old age... either that or too tired to explain what I was thinking!) :D
 
I can only add one more facet to this observation.

I believe that if it is God's will for you to marry him, God will show you through the unction of the Holy Spirit. What you want to consider is whether this man is committed to the Lord fully. There's commitment and then so-called commitment. I believe that when one person's commitment level to God is high while the other's commitment level is low... that is being unequally yoked. Does he go to church with you? Does he suggest you skip church to do other things?? Does he share Bible study with you? Does he go to church because it's expected, or does he really go to worship? Is he involved in any church activities/ministries??? You see, if a person isn't truly, totally committed to God, they will not be able to commit to you or anyone/anything else, completely.

Ask God whether this man is committed to Him. Ask yourself honestly if this is a person who you can respect as the spiritual leader in your home. And please, please, please don't jump into this quickly. Find out about this man. How does he treat his family? How does he treat his friends? Is he kind to everyone or only those who are kind to him? You see, love for God translates into love for others. If he is selfish or uncaring about the plight of others, then perhaps the Spirit of the Living God doesn't live in him, you see. What about anger? How does he act when he is frustrated or angry. That will tell you a lot about his character.

All the best,
HoneysuckleRose
 
hi ,
it sounds like you are a little confused as to what to do about this guy. that alone should be a marker to you. i mean if lets say he got saved, and had a heart for Christ. He grew in the faith, and had a heart for the lost, even maybe the lost Hindu's. it really sounds to me like He is more focused on you than on the Kingdom of God. its really tough when emotions start flying around, and people like me love that "in love" feeling. but really look at the fruits. that's how you can tell what kind of tree it is. get involved in furthering Gods Kingdom somewhere, and someone you are to be yoked with will be there too. ask some of the leaders at your church what they think too. of course you have to make your own decisions, and will i hope be patient and seek objective counsel.
 
confusedchic said:
Hi there,

I come from a born again Christian family. Yes, I was driven by flesh and emotions during my younger years to this wonderful guy who was not a believer in Christ at that point. :-)

He is a really nice guy and his personality attracted me, but since he was not a believer at that time I was lil upset....but I started praying for him and shared my faith with him. In the beginning he believed "there is a supernatural being." Now through the examples of my life, and through how my prayers helped him in several times,(he reads Bible too) he has changed a lot now and has started to believe in Christ couple of years ago. He has changed a lot over the years! But I would not call him a firm believer yet.4 years later now, he proposed to me, and he has changed a lot in his belief system over the years. [He comes from a Hindu family, but never practices his religion.]

I want to marry him, but I am unsure whether this would be considered unequally yoked according to the Bible? Really confused. Please Help :-(
Click to expand...

As long as you have any questions, please don't do it. Marriage is for keeps and it is tough even when you are in love and are both strong believers in Christ. Wait until you are sure before you say yes.

God bless you for choosing to honor the Lord in your decision process. He won't fail to guide you if you prayerfully put this in His hands. :)

It sounds as if he is still undergoing a period of spiritual growth. Maybe there will come a time when the two of you will be strong believers in Christ, but it doesn't appear from what you said that the time is now for him.
 
confusedchic said:
Hi there,

I come from a born again Christian family. Yes, I was driven by flesh and emotions during my younger years to this wonderful guy who was not a believer in Christ at that point. :-)

He is a really nice guy and his personality attracted me, but since he was not a believer at that time I was lil upset....but I started praying for him and shared my faith with him. In the beginning he believed "there is a supernatural being." Now through the examples of my life, and through how my prayers helped him in several times,(he reads Bible too) he has changed a lot now and has started to believe in Christ couple of years ago. He has changed a lot over the years! But I would not call him a firm believer yet.4 years later now, he proposed to me, and he has changed a lot in his belief system over the years. [He comes from a Hindu family, but never practices his religion.]

I want to marry him, but I am unsure whether this would be considered unequally yoked according to the Bible? Really confused. Please Help :-(
Click to expand...


The husband is to be the spiritual head of the household. Is his faith and walk secure and strong enough to lead you, and if you were to have children, as a leader under Christ? Does he have the relationship with God and Christ to know their voice and use their wisdom to lead you and to make right decisions for his family under God's guidance? Is his faith secure enough to last through trials, and temptations?
Simply believing in Christ and reading a bible does not make one a man of God, or a strong spiritual leader. I'd say if you can't say yes to these questions, then you have your answer.
 
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