Is your crush making you emotionally unavailable?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

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thimsrebma

Guest
#1
#1
I was on another thread earlier and got to thinking about a crush that I have had for years. I am beginning to believe that this is somehow making me emotionally unavailable and there for unvailable period.

What I mean is, I like this guy. A Lot. And any other guy I meat is gonna have to be "better" than him for me to give him a chance. If I don't see that then I am gonna dismiss him because he is not living up to this standard that I have allowed this other guy to set in my life. (and when i say better I mean a better fit for me not necessarily a better person)

Now this standard thing is good in the sense that you have to have high standards and dont wanna take anything less than what you need in your life or someone who doesnt meet your must haves. But at the same time if you are looking at someone as the bar from an outside perspective, having never been in a relationship with them you don't know all of their qualities, good or bad. And therefore, another person may actually be "better" for you, but you are too busy harping on the things you know and or think you know and comparing others to that which they will never be able to live up to.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? If so, what was the situation, how did you overcome it?
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#2
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#2
yeah, I'm curious what everyone else thinks about this too.
 
A

allforfun

Guest
#3
#3
I've been there. Not being able to look beyond "him" even though I couldn't have "him".

Finally I made a list of what made him great. It helped me realized while a few of those things were unique to him and truly special, many of the other traits would be in someone else. It is easier to romanticize what you don't have. So, I allowed myself a period of feeling sorry for myself and then kicked myself in the head and trudged forward.

I will always appreciate the "him" though, because he brought out things in me that I didn't know existed. But again, it is so easy to romanticize a future that will never be.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#4
#4
Maybe we all have someone like that in our lives, Amber. I do.

I've wondered whether anyone will ever understand me as much as he does, make me laugh like he does, get my jokes when no one else does, challenge my mind like no one else does, the list goes on... But then I stop and realize that he's the SECOND guy I've felt that way about. If God made two, He made more. Some part of me seems to know that there's someone out there who is actually BETTER for me in ways I can't even imagine. I'M the one with the limitations.
 
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eelhsa

Guest
#5
#5
allforfun said:
I will always appreciate the "him" though, because he brought out things in me that I didn't know existed. But again, it is so easy to romanticize a future that will never be.
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I agree. When we love and care about someone that much, it can be hard to move on emotionally, even though we know we need to mentally. And once we realize that we aren't going to be with someone, the good times and all the wonderful things about them can seem to come to mind more often.

It seems that wanting something we can't or shouldn't have is a common characteristic of human nature. I know that I need to learn to be thankful for what I do have and for all I have been blessed with.

Life is too short to worry as much as I do at times. I know that God never forgets a single one of us, so even when things don't seem to make sense, He is still in control, and He has a plan. :)
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#6
Aug 2, 2009
24,581
4,269
113
#6
thimsrebma said:
I was on another thread earlier and got to thinking about a crush that I have had for years. I am beginning to believe that this is somehow making me emotionally unavailable and there for unvailable period.

What I mean is, I like this guy. A Lot. And any other guy I meat is gonna have to be "better" than him for me to give him a chance. If I don't see that then I am gonna dismiss him because he is not living up to this standard that I have allowed this other guy to set in my life. (and when i say better I mean a better fit for me not necessarily a better person)

Now this standard thing is good in the sense that you have to have high standards and dont wanna take anything less than what you need in your life or someone who doesnt meet your must haves. But at the same time if you are looking at someone as the bar from an outside perspective, having never been in a relationship with them you don't know all of their qualities, good or bad. And therefore, another person may actually be "better" for you, but you are too busy harping on the things you know and or think you know and comparing others to that which they will never be able to live up to.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? If so, what was the situation, how did you overcome it?
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Thats what makes it a crush.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#7
May 23, 2009
14,944
4,588
113
#7
I've actually wondered if maybe the reason God hasn't sent many of us "THE ONE" is because He's waiting for us to allow Him to clean out/empty our hearts for the person He actually wants us to be with.

A relationship can't be off to a very good start when one or both people are still so attached to someone else.
 
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Liz01

Guest
#8
#8
It happened to me once and i was always comparing this guy with all the others but then i realized that what i was trying to do was "to replace" this guy, so this obviously was more about my needs than if this guy was so nice or not so i tried to focus on what i was needing emotionally or spiritually and how i could grow in those areas.
 
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persecuted

Banned
#9
Jun 15, 2011
308
0
0
#9
I don't think it even has to be a big time crush that makes people emotionally unavailable. It could be something as simple as being on something like this. You could be pondering something someone said when you're away from the computer and make yourself distracted to your surroundings.
 
A

Anna80

Guest
#10
#10
For me the crush set a standard that inspired me to explore deeper possibilities within my present relationship. So it was a good thing.
 
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Santana

Guest
#11
#11
persecuted said:
I don't think it even has to be a big time crush that makes people emotionally unavailable. It could be something as simple as being on something like this. You could be pondering something someone said when you're away from the computer and make yourself distracted to your surroundings.
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Well persecuted I have to agree with you there, for many years my work made me emotionally unavailable. That said, having a crush can do the same thing as well. I had a crush on a girl once many years ago, (I think dinosaurs were roaming the earth back then lol.) and as other fine ladies came into my life they were disposable in my mind because they were not her.
 
Pheonix

Pheonix

Senior Member
#12
Jan 17, 2007
578
7
18
#12
While I have run into a woman I really like, I wouldn't say I'm emotionally unavailable, just really bad at telepathy. I don't read minds so well so if someone else came along and wasn't obvious about their interest in me, I'd miss it.

I know its not the way that good christian girls are supposed to do things, but I wouldn't mind in the least if aforementioned female asked me to coffee or to some gathering or concert of something. unfortunately I've had such a rough time with the fair gender, that I've stopped looking and assume they are all unavailable or uninterested. Its just easier that way.
 
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girlnextdoor

Guest
#13
#13
Hang in there phoenix. Your life isn't even half way over you've plenty of time.

For years I made myself unavailable, told myself there are no single christian men out there so why bother.

Last year I met a man that knocked me off the shelf. I'm now socializing with several non christian men. They all know I'm not serious and I'm trying to share Gods message of repentance and faith so maybe I've stumbled into a new mission field.

I think ultimately i've calmed down and am just taking life as it comes. My best advice for this as well as any situation is lean on the lord. Our father is the best comforter there is.
 
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process_architect

Guest
#14
#14
I've been there too. I went 2 years romanticizing what life with that "perfect" person could have been like. And then I got another chance to find out... Turns out it wouldn't have been so great after all, and I'm thankful for how things turned out. You may think you know someone and they may seem like the perfect person for you, but if you could only see the big picture. We know what we want, but what we want isn't always best for us. Sometimes unanswered prayers are the best answers.
 
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