It Finally Hit the Fan

[Cindy12]

aww, thank you.. I try to be an inspiration.. God bless you too..

You must have some sort of "ESP" ..... lol ... because you said to give it another day or two, and today he seems to be 75% better, at least opening up conversation about normal stuff now.

 

[jillwings]

I agree that I think he felt that I was accusing him, but I told him over and over that I was not doubting HIM at all and didn't think he was doing anything wrong, but that her 12 - 15 messages a day and pictures were starting to cross lines and I felt she wanted a lot more than what he thought. Thats how it all happened.

Married 23 yrs and he has never one time asked to see my email, phone, or facebook ... although we have both since shut down facebook (the only social media we used).

I think I hurt his feelings. I've apologized sincerely for that and put it in Gods hands.

Yes. I think his intentions were good but he was being REALLY gullible and maybe got embarrassed when he realized it.

Thanks for clarifying for my own curiosity. It isn't my business but I am still trying to figure out what about my last relationship didn't feel right and where boundaries should be in a healthier situation, so it was on my mind.

 

[santuzza]

This is just something I am dying to ask out of curiosity, because I am not married. Are most married people this aware of each other's emails, facebooks, etc? I recently ended a 4 year dating relationship that never reached engagement. We lived in separate places. He was EXTREMELY intensely focused on reading all of my files on my computer, skype convos, chat friends lists, etc when he visited. We would fight over random things I said to family members. We fought when I added a guy to facebook that immed and said he knew my pastor and asked about my church. I found myself having to 'prove my innocence' or explain why I added someone. I ended up feeling accused and constantly on trial.

Only I think my case was different because he didnt propose to me and we weren't getting married so I think that level of access was unwarranted. But if we did get married, would this be normal? I think you are absolutely one hundred percent justified in being uncomfortable with this lady, just wondering if this is typical to be that aware of these details.

Maybe he feels he had pure intentions and feels you doubted him? If so, explain that you think SHE is the one acting like she doesn't have the purest intentions, and assure him that as another woman you might have more insight to what women are thinking than he does. Even though my situation wasn't the same, I can tell you it didn't feel good.

Other married people, just so I know in the future, at what point is it normal for your 'other' to be this into your private messages?

We should probably start a new thread with this topic, but, honestly, my hubby and I completely trust each other and never look at each other's e-mails, text messages, etc. without "asking permission" (which is ALWAYS granted!).

 

[skylove7]

I am praying for your marriage Cindy.
I hope it all works out.
God bless you

 

[jennymae]

I think he's a little angry with yall. At first he got angry with that lady from Central America for her totally unfitting behavior, and when he was looking for your support, and you didn't react like he expected, he got angry with you. Maybe he thought you believed that he was thinking about messing around with that lady. I think he just needs some time to cool down.

 

[secularhermit]

Jenny got sunstriken?

or stole someone´s pic as avatar?

 

[jennymae]

Jenny got sunstriken?

or stole someone´s pic as avatar?

Looks like you know a lot about me, sir, have we met?

 

[NewWine]

This is just something I am dying to ask out of curiosity, because I am not married. Are most married people this aware of each other's emails, facebooks, etc? I recently ended a 4 year dating relationship that never reached engagement. We lived in separate places. He was EXTREMELY intensely focused on reading all of my files on my computer, skype convos, chat friends lists, etc when he visited. We would fight over random things I said to family members. We fought when I added a guy to facebook that immed and said he knew my pastor and asked about my church. I found myself having to 'prove my innocence' or explain why I added someone. I ended up feeling accused and constantly on trial.

Only I think my case was different because he didnt propose to me and we weren't getting married so I think that level of access was unwarranted. But if we did get married, would this be normal? I think you are absolutely one hundred percent justified in being uncomfortable with this lady, just wondering if this is typical to be that aware of these details.

Maybe he feels he had pure intentions and feels you doubted him? If so, explain that you think SHE is the one acting like she doesn't have the purest intentions, and assure him that as another woman you might have more insight to what women are thinking than he does. Even though my situation wasn't the same, I can tell you it didn't feel good.

Other married people, just so I know in the future, at what point is it normal for your 'other' to be this into your private messages?

Hi there,
This is a great question, something I feel is important to know about marriage before entering into it.
It's not that my husband and I regularly check-up on each other or anything like that. We have mutual trust. However, we both believe that when we married we became one. That means my email is his email, and vice-versa. We regularly use each other's emails to obtain documents or whatever we need. As for cell phones, well they go the same way...they are ours, not mine or his. We just grab whoever's phone is closest to make a call or send a text.
Life, for us, isn't His and Mine...it's ours.....everything is ours....it's God and us against the world in EVERYTHING.
Peace!!

 

[Cindy12]

The spiral downward continues: Update. Husband had to go in work early this morning - doing bosses job since boss is on vacation. He seemed short again this morning - so told him I really wanted to talk this thing out between us, the tension, etc OR I thought it may be a good idea for us to go to a counselor to help us work through this. His response "counseling ..for what??"

Explained that we both seem to be tense, walking on eggshells and that since Monday, he has been distant, short with me and giving me the feeling that he is upset with me. He started getting "loud" and told me that he did exactly what I wanted him to do and he shut down his facebook so that there could be no communication with him and the Honduras family. I explained that I didn't ask him to do that at all, that I only told him how her messages and pictures of herself were making me feel and that I felt she was beginning to cross lines. I never ask him to stop communicating completely with them. He just about screamed and told me that I basically told him that he was leading her on, he didn't want me to feel that way, so he shut it down, its done and over with and he is not talking about it anymore.

Whew! Talk about adding tension now? We have an event at church (summer lunch program) tonight and he said he was not going, that I could go, but that he is not. He said they don't need us there. They have plenty of people (and they do). But it was something we always enjoyed on Thursday nights.

Next, I asked him if I could come to his work (he has to stay at office with boss gone, he is only one there) and have lunch with him today. He said it didn't make sense for me to waste gas driving there for lunch.

I really feel defeated. I checked into some counseling around here, but its $338 a session ... he won't want me spending that kind of money because we are in the financial peace program paying off debt and just about there, so thats a huge expense (for someone who says we don't need any counseling).

What do I do? I am lost. Truly lost. Praying and praying and praying is happening --- but i still seem to be sinking. (oh, by the way, this is not his normal behavior at all. Normally, he is happy go lucky and has been since we found church together last May ... so this is out of the ordinary for him to be so angry)

 

[MadParrotWoman]

Hello Cindy, I feel for you, hang in there and don't give up. He is probably still stewing in his own juice right now, if it were me I would leave him be for the time being and go about my day saying and doing what's necessary and no more. He will come around eventually. I think it's best you don't broach the subject again as he seems to feel it's done and dusted. Men can be terrible sulkers, give him time.

I think you have done everything exactly right, this isn't about you but him. I will be praying, God bless you.

 

[Cindy12]

Hello Cindy, I feel for you, hang in there and don't give up. He is probably still stewing in his own juice right now, if it were me I would leave him be for the time being and go about my day saying and doing what's necessary and no more. He will come around eventually. I think it's best you don't broach the subject again as he seems to feel it's done and dusted. Men can be terrible sulkers, give him time.

I think you have done everything exactly right, this isn't about you but him. I will be praying, God bless you.

Thank you so much for your kind and so much needed words right now. You must be an angel God sent to me to say this at this very moment - I'm sitting here on the chair just crying and feeling that everything we worked so hard for and was so good for 23 years is crumbling before my eyes. It puts such a harsh feeling on my heart about missions - and the negative that came out of this for me and that is so wrong. We leave for our family (just he, myself and our 19 yr old son) vacation on the 29th of July and i wanted it to be a good week --- now I just feel so tense about it all. I will take your wise advice and just let it all go and suffer through another few days of his sulking and hurting me. Its so hard.

 

[blue_ladybug]

He said he doesn't want to talk about that woman anymore. So stop trying to force the issue on him still. If he says he wants to stay home Thursday night, then since the church already has enough helpers, stay home with him.. Stop stressing about this. Tell him when he's ready to talk, you're ready to listen.. I think he's annoyed at how you keep asking him if you can talk and if you can go wherever to talk to him.. Just leave him alone right now..

 

[Cindy12]

He said he doesn't want to talk about that woman anymore. So stop trying to force the issue on him still. If he says he wants to stay home Thursday night, then since the church already has enough helpers, stay home with him.. Stop stressing about this. Tell him when he's ready to talk, you're ready to listen.. I think he's annoyed at how you keep asking him if you can talk and if you can go wherever to talk to him.. Just leave him alone right now..

Thanks so much, I am going to do that, just leave him alone. I don't even want to discuss the woman, he said this morning his peace and that it was done, and I let that lie. I wasn't going to even mention that again. I just want the tension in the home to be gone, but I can wish all I want -- it is what it is and if I bug him, it will get worse. Ok, taking your wise advice, sliding on my big girl pants and going to let it all go and pray for the best! You all are so helpful, you knock sense into my head and I need this more than counseling! Your giving me the best advice and I am going to follow it! As long as he doesn't do or say something that makes me snap! (LOL) ..... I just don't handle someones rotten attitude well. I am trying!! No more messages to him today. And I will stay home here tonight, our son will ask me WHY we aren't going, and he will go himself I am sure, but I will let his dad answer that question. Hubby will go outdoors and find something to do to occupy his mind I am sure. But thats ok, if he needs time and silence, I owe him that respect. Thanks for screwing my head on straight again!

 

[MadParrotWoman]

Thank you so much for your kind and so much needed words right now. You must be an angel God sent to me to say this at this very moment - I'm sitting here on the chair just crying and feeling that everything we worked so hard for and was so good for 23 years is crumbling before my eyes. It puts such a harsh feeling on my heart about missions - and the negative that came out of this for me and that is so wrong. We leave for our family (just he, myself and our 19 yr old son) vacation on the 29th of July and i wanted it to be a good week --- now I just feel so tense about it all. I will take your wise advice and just let it all go and suffer through another few days of his sulking and hurting me. Its so hard.

I see the fact that you are going on vacation together as a blessing. You will be away from the every day stresses of life and doing stuff together - good for any marriage. If you do what I previously suggested he should be in a better frame of mind by then and prayerfully you will have a good time. Your son will be a distraction too! Keep us updated on how the vacation went?

 

[BarlyGurl]

Okay, I read MOST of the commentary. I didn't notice anyone mention that.... your husband is probably under conviction of the Holy Spirit regarding a multitude of issues that have arisen out of this scenario. I think it is really important that YOU let God be God... in both his life and YOURS. I would recommend you go to your prayer closet, Repent from your fear, anger and meddling and ask for some wisdom to be the loving and supportive wife he needs.

If it were me I would go to him and apologize for allowing my fear and anger to cause turmoil between us, ask for his forgiveness, tell him I love him and that I am ready to listen to "whatever" is going on in his mind and heart regarding the scenario when he is ready to talk about it. In the meantime I would make every effort to be gentle with him... authentically, not in a way intended to manipulate the situation.

 

[Cindy12]

Okay, I read MOST of the commentary. I didn't notice anyone mention that.... your husband is probably under conviction of the Holy Spirit regarding a multitude of issues that have arisen out of this scenario. I think it is really important that YOU let God be God... in both his life and YOURS. I would recommend you go to your prayer closet, Repent from your fear, anger and meddling and ask for some wisdom to be the loving and supportive wife he needs.

If it were me I would go to him and apologize for allowing my fear and anger to cause turmoil between us, ask for his forgiveness, tell him I love him and that I am ready to listen to "whatever" is going on in his mind and heart regarding the scenario when he is ready to talk about it. In the meantime I would make every effort to be gentle with him... authentically, not in a way intended to manipulate the situation.

Thank you so much. You are right, I am not supposed to worry, be fearful, angry or anything. I have GOT to learn to let God handle my life and circumstances and let it be what it is. Its so hard when you want the best for your family and you feel threatened. I will repent for my sins and for not allowing it to be nothing but God handling this.

I don't think I should go to him right now (do you?) and say anything else -- I seem to have irritated him enough for one day and maybe I should just let it go for a few days like the others suggested? Just be my sweet, loving self when he gets home and do what seems most normal around here. I feel if I go to him now and bring up anything about anything, its going to explode, and I don't want that. I feel that God is asking me to step back, and leave it alone .......hard as it is.

 

[BarlyGurl]

saying this gently....
thank you for receiving my message... BUT... in so doing.... you have not DONE what I recommended
1)prayer closet, seek wisdom
2) apologize to husband, make peace.

Please go do those things.... instead of focusing on further forum posts... put your focus God and and the necessary changes that need to occur in YOU in this moment. Blessings.

 

[HoneyDew]

When we pray we are to leave it with God. Don't push and don't take it back out of Gods hands, fall back and let God be God in the situation. You keep coming at him with this. I don't see where you need counseling. It will blow over if you let it.

Give him time to exhale and you take the time to pray and let your spirit relax. It's really not that serious, she is in Honduras and it was SHE who was inappropriate not your husband. He shared everythng with you and seemed to be honest and shut it down when you became uncomfortable give the man a break.

I hope things resolve itself for you SOON. Peace to you.

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts YOU.

 

[MadParrotWoman]

When we pray we are to leave it with God. Don't push and don't take it back out of Gods hands, fall back and let God be God in the situation. You keep coming at him with this. I don't see where you need counseling. It will blow over if you let it.

Give him time to exhale and you take the time to pray and let your spirit relax. It's really not that serious, she is in Honduras and it was SHE who was inappropriate not your husband. He shared everythng with you and seemed to be honest and shut it down when you became uncomfortable give the man a break.

I hope things resolve itself for you SOON. Peace to you.

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts YOU.

Good advice!

 

[Cindy12]

saying this gently....
thank you for receiving my message... BUT... in so doing.... you have not DONE what I recommended
1)prayer closet, seek wisdom
2) apologize to husband, make peace.

Please go do those things.... instead of focusing on further forum posts... put your focus God and and the necessary changes that need to occur in YOU in this moment. Blessings.

Gently received ..... #1 complete -- #2, not yet. He is at work, and I have apologized. Yesterday, and again this morning. If I do it a third time, aren't I the one bringing it all back up again? I welcome your message.