It Hurts So Much

[djness]

Thank you all for your insight. long or short, I can appreciate everything you have said. And I am taking these things into account.

I know that it's easy for people to call me "selfish" and "self absorbed" because of this. That's all well and good. But I can't help how I feel about this man. I now regret ever coming in contact with him, because I got attached to him, and he just dropped me like a bad habit--not like I am a human being. How could I not feel betrayed, when we became so close? Everyone is telling that I'm not concerned about his feelings. But it also feels like he is not concerned about mine. I have told him how sorry I am that I allowed things to get out of balance. Though it's like nothing I say is good enough for him to forgive me. How can you be a christian and just completely ignore a person who is in your presence? Not speak, not acknowledge my existence? That, to me, is not love either. If it is, it sure doesn't feel like it! How could he be so cold and lifeless towards me? That is what hurts

If you were drugs, or alchohol or pornography or whatever a person can sin through the only option would be to completely cut it off if you really want to be free of it. You just happen to be a human being who is a stumbling block for him. It would really be the same if you were a girl who wanted something from him that he wasn't willing to give. He can absoultely love you and not return any of the affection to you that you want.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Ok to be fair, this guy led you on. He shared with you that he used to be a former homosexual. He knew you were/are one as well. He was telling you he loved you, as you said he was texing you and calling you every hour, and you two were borderline flirting over the phone. However then he is gonna up and get mad at you when you express to him that you have feelings for him, but he is the one that helped fuel the whole fire here. While i admire him for taking a stand and seperating himself from you after you told him you were attracted to him, im kinda shaking my head at this cause he had to be an idiot not to realize this was gonna happen

Bottom line though. Fire7 you need to stay away from men. Your gonna keep getting yourself into this same situation if you dont knock this mess off.

 

[Fire7]

Ok to be fair, this guy led you on. He shared with you that he used to be a former homosexual. He knew you were/are one as well. He was telling you he loved you, as you said he was texing you and calling you every hour, and you two were borderline flirting over the phone. However then he is gonna up and get mad at you when you express to him that you have feelings for him, but he is the one that helped fuel the whole fire here. While i admire him for taking a stand and seperating himself from you after you told him you were attracted to him, im kinda shaking my head at this cause he had to be an idiot not to realize this was gonna happen

Bottom line though. Fire7 you need to stay away from men. Your gonna keep getting yourself into this same situation if you dont knock this mess off.

Thank you for looking at it in an unbiased way. But to be fair to him, he didn't know (for sure) that I was homosexual when he told me he used to be... He said he was shring it because G-d had him to share it. He assumed I was a christian practicing a hidden sin, but he didn't know what it was. until he saw my reaction after he told me. He did, however said that he kind of suspected something for a while, when he would see me around on campus (before we knew of eachother), but it was more of an intuitive connection than anything.

I think that by the time I called him that same night, he knew why he had shared that info with me. But we told me he was waiting for me to confess it--which he assumed would free me ("...made free by the words of our testimony...") and set me on the path to deliverence. He then shared some of his expereiences, not in graffic detail, but in vivid enough detail for me to be mentally aroused by it. I admit that this was probably what planted the seed of lust within myself--even though I had already had a subtle sexual attraction to him prior to all of this. We shared other experiences a different times. But I probably enjoyed hearing them more than he did telling them.

I also have to correct myself. To say that we talked every hour is an exaggeration. I wasn't a steady hour on the hour. It was mostly texting at random times throughout the day but not every hour. We did talk over the phone almost every night, or at least one of us would call the other just to say "good night." Half of those times, we woould end up on the phone for 1 to 3 hours...mostly discussing scriptural matters...though sometimes listening to eachother breathe. It did kind of confuse (for lack of better term) me. Because one moment he would be praying and speaking in tongues, and the next moment I would get the feeling that we were being intimate. He wasn't saying anything inappropriate; it's just the way it felt or seemed. And one time, if I'm not mistaken, I do remember him addressing me "hello my love," which did kind of make me wonder for a second but I didn't think much about. We would've definitely spoken from midnight until the sun came up, if I had unlimited minutes on my phone. He liked talking to me and didn't want me to hang up. I kept promising him I would get the unlimited plan on my phone just so we could talk all night long. The ironic thing is that, when I finally did get unlimited time, he has switched into not interested in you anymore mode all of a sudden.

And our last latenight conversation, which only happened because I told him we needed to talk, only lasted about 10 mins, where he spent about 5 praying a warfare prayer over me, rebuking the spirit of homosexuality and telling me that he was only talking to me under the comission of the H-ly Ghost, and he had nothing else to say to me...that he would like to hang up if it was ok with me. Well, I don't know if you've ever been taking a warm shower, and all of sudden, the water turns ice cold. But that is exactly what I felt. I don't know what had happen but I just felt that something had turned off in him. I hink that's why I decided to tell him how attractive he was. I thought that maybe it would get his attention; and it did--just not the attention I expected.

I was honestly bewildered! And I still am. I did get to see him tonight at bible study at his pastor's home. He call me, because he picked me up, so I guess he had no choice but to call me and let me know he was outside. I sat next to him in bible study, and he did tell me goodbye when he left for home. So I do feel better now that he is at least speaking to me. So maybe this is an open door to eventually sit down at some point and have a conversation with him in person, and bring some kind of reconciliation or closure?

I don't just lust after this guy. And I don't like to abuse/misuse the "L" word. But I do appreciate this guy as a person. So much so that I would consider it a tragedy to lose him as a friend. But, in any case or outcome, I just hope that I can at least sit down and have an open and hoenst, straight forward conversation with him so that both of us can get some true mutual understanding and closure.

 

[Fire7]

Ok to be fair, this guy led you on. He shared with you that he used to be a former homosexual. He knew you were/are one as well. He was telling you he loved you, as you said he was texing you and calling you every hour, and you two were borderline flirting over the phone. However then he is gonna up and get mad at you when you express to him that you have feelings for him, but he is the one that helped fuel the whole fire here. While i admire him for taking a stand and seperating himself from you after you told him you were attracted to him, im kinda shaking my head at this cause he had to be an idiot not to realize this was gonna happen

Bottom line though. Fire7 you need to stay away from men. Your gonna keep getting yourself into this same situation if you dont knock this mess off.

(edited)

Thank you for looking at it from an unbiased perspective. To also be fair to him, he didn't know (for sure) that I was homosexual when he told me he used to be... He said he was shring it because G-d had him to share it. He assumed I was a christian practicing a hidden sin, but he didn't know what it was. until he saw my reaction after he told me. He did, however said that he kind of suspected something for a while, when he would see me around on campus (before we knew of eachother), but it was more of an intuitive connection than anything.

I think that by the time I called him that same night, he knew why he had shared that info with me. But we told me he was waiting for me to confess it--which he assumed would free me ("...made free by the words of our testimony...") and set me on the path to deliverence. He then shared some of his expereiences, not in graffic detail, but in vivid enough detail for me to be mentally aroused by it. I admit that this was probably what planted the seed of lust within myself--even though I had already had a subtle sexual attraction to him prior to all of this. We shared other experiences a different times. But I probably enjoyed hearing them more than he did telling them.

I also have to correct myself. To say that we talked every hour is an exaggeration. I wasn't a steady hour on the hour. It was at frequent but random times, mostly texting throughout the day but not every hour. We did talk over the phone almost every night, or at least one of us would call the other just to say "good night." Half of those times, we would end up on the phone for 1 to 3 hours...mostly discussing scriptural matters...though sometimes listening to eachother breathe. It did kind of confuse (for lack of better term) me. Because one moment he would be praying and speaking in tongues, and the next moment I would get the feeling that we were being intimate. He wasn't saying anything inappropriate; it's just the way it felt or seemed. And one time, if I'm not mistaken, I do remember him addressing me "hello my love," which did kind of make me wonder for a second but I didn't think much about. We would've definitely spoken from midnight until the sun came up, if I had unlimited minutes on my phone. He liked talking to me and didn't want me to hang up. I kept promising him I would get the unlimited plan on my phone just so we could talk all night long. The ironic thing is that, when I finally did get unlimited time, he has switched into not interested in you anymore mode all of a sudden.

And our last latenight conversation, which only happened because I told him we needed to talk, only lasted about 10 mins, where he spent about 5 praying a warfare prayer over me, rebuking the spirit of homosexuality and telling me that he was only talking to me under the comission of the H-ly Ghost, and he had nothing else to say to me...that he would like to hang up if it was ok with me. Well, I don't know if you've ever been taking a warm shower, and all of sudden, the water turns ice cold. But that is exactly what I felt. I don't know what had happen but I just felt that something had turned off in him. I think that's why I decided to tell him how attractive he was. I thought that maybe it would get his attention; and it did--just not the attention I expected.

I was honestly bewildered! And I still am. I did get to see him the other night at bible study at his pastor's home. He did call me, because he picked me up, so I guess he had no choice but to call me and let me know he was outside. I sat next to him in bible study, and he did tell me goodbye when he left for home. So I do feel better now that he is at least speaking to me. So maybe this is an open door to eventually sit down at some point and have a conversation with him in person, and bring some kind of reconciliation or closure? But I am juggling this idea and maybe the idea of turning the table and ignoring him from now on and pretending he doesn't exist--as to not open myself up for rejection again. I don't want to get my hopes up.

I don't just lust after this guy. And I don't like to abuse/misuse the "L" word. But I really do appreciate him and care for him as a person--so much so that I would consider it a tragedy to lose him as a friend. But, in any case or outcome, I just hope that I can at least sit down and have an open and honest, straight forward conversation with him so that both of us can get some true mutual understanding and closure...when it is the right time

 

[Brandon777]

I don't suppose to know what you're feeling right now, but I know that the situation is dicey. Looking at it from a godly perspective, I have to warn you that I sense that your heart is still not completely in the right place. I don't hear a repentant attitude in any of your posts or updates and this concerns me. Even though he is discipling you, ultimately he is not spiritually in charge of you, you are, because only you are accountable for yourself before God on Judgement Day. As the spiritual leader he made some mistakes that he was likely to make because he put himself on a slippery slope by talking to you as much as he did. Yet despite the mistakes he made, you still wronged him and you need to apologize for that. But more importantly than having forgiveness from your friend is to have forgiveness from God. Make sure that, if you have apologized to God that you turn away from the cause of your sin in the first place. First and foremost. Getting your life straight for God should be more important and concerning to you than how your relationship to your friend works out. I hope you are blessed, and I pray for your wisdom and guidance for the situation.

 

[Fire7]

I don't suppose to know what you're feeling right now, but I know that the situation is dicey. Looking at it from a godly perspective, I have to warn you that I sense that your heart is still not completely in the right place. I don't hear a repentant attitude in any of your posts or updates and this concerns me. Even though he is discipling you, ultimately he is not spiritually in charge of you, you are, because only you are accountable for yourself before God on Judgement Day. As the spiritual leader he made some mistakes that he was likely to make because he put himself on a slippery slope by talking to you as much as he did. Yet despite the mistakes he made, you still wronged him and you need to apologize for that. But more importantly than having forgiveness from your friend is to have forgiveness from God. Make sure that, if you have apologized to God that you turn away from the cause of your sin in the first place. First and foremost. Getting your life straight for God should be more important and concerning to you than how your relationship to your friend works out. I hope you are blessed, and I pray for your wisdom and guidance for the situation.

I am homosexual; it's not a label that I put on myself or something that I think I am. My orientation is simply homosexual--and yes: I was BORN this way...the same as you were born heterosexual. You, being hetero, have no choice in your orientation. The only "choice" you do have is as to whether you want to experience your heterosexuality or not. But the attraction is still there, has been, and will always be. There isn't anything I can say to you to get you to understand me, because your brain is literally wired differently (search this out scientifically for yourself if you wish). And this is why there seems to be no point of reconing with this issue.

If you really have the Spirit of Truth, then this Spirit is the only thing that can enlighten you on the matter. Since we are using scriptures, the bible says that the anointing breaks the yoke. Unless what you're saying is breaking someone free from what you perceive to be bondage, then everything you are doing and saying is in vain. The bible also says that we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and other spiritual forces.

I can say that almost everytime I hear (or read) someone preach against homosexuality, I feel personally like I'm being attacked, picked on, and belittled. I know you will say that it is "conviction," but I beg to differ. The only reason I feel this way is because of frustration! It's frustrating to me to be misunderstood. And to hear preachers from the pulpit telling me I'm "disgusting," "gross," "evil," "rebellious," a "sissy," a "punk," a "faggot" (yes, these words have come across many pulpits)... I'll tell you how it feels to me. It makes me not want G-d's presence, but rather makes me want to run from such a biased dictator. It makes me not trust G-d. It makes me think that G-d is a cold, insensitive, heartless, narcissistic, egomaniacal, cruel, deranged, schizophrenic psychopath! Call it irreverent or disrespectful to think this about G-d, but this is precisely how He is appears to me. If these men and women are His mouthpieces, then they are the revelation of G-d. And while no one in their right mind wants to go to hell--I certainly don't!--no one in their right mind would want to submit themselves to such a tyrant either; that would make Heaven as bad as Hell, if not worse.

This is my honest perception, as a homosexual who did not ask for this orientation, but was given it by the same G-d who condemns me for it.

 

[Mommyof2]

I know you are hurting, and i'm sorry. Its important you know that god does not intend for us to hurt, doesn't want us to hurt, only allows us to hurt to draw us closer to him. take this as an opportunity to draw close to him. Focus on him.

I know you already know what the bible says about homosexuality. I know your venting, but here is the real kicker this will not matter to you in 100 years. It won't even matter. God doesn't hate you, in fact he loved the hell right out of you (and every one of his children). God hates sin. I'm not being mean or harsh or rash. What he did saying he didn't want to speak with you was what he needed to do to draw closer to God. It was a selfless act. It probably hurt him too, but he knew that in order for him to draw closer to God he needed to reach out to him, take a chance and he may have saw being as close to you as he was was effecting his relationship with God. And for a man that offered his innocent son to be sacrificed on a cross, giving up a friend or a temptation is not asking anything. I have two so

 

[Whyllow]

Before I go into anything, I am going to state that this is my opinions, and I'm not trying to start a fight and this is going to be my only statement.

I am homosexual; it's not a label that I put on myself or something that I think I am. My orientation is simply homosexual--and yes: I was BORN this way...the same as you were born heterosexual.

I know this sounds crazy, but I believe you're right. I've been doing a lot of studying. And I think it has to do with some chemicals in the brain that make people attracted to the same sex. (it's a long study process that is still being worked on, and I don't want to go into it too much.) I also believe that God places curses on certain families (like mine). Exodus 34:7 says "I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin. But I do not excuse the guilty. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children and grandchildren;the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations.” my situation with my family is adultery. For 4 generations there have been women who had sex before marriage and got pregnant. Mine was slightly different (seeing as I got raped) but I knew he wasn't an honest Christian and I stayed with him even though he treated me like scum. From that, I took the consequences into hand.

You also need to understand that God can help you overcome your situation. From reading all of this, you sound like you don't want help and that you are perfectly fine with being a homosexual. Which my dear, has lead you to this situation in the first place. Psalm 149: 4 says "For the Lord delights in his people;he crowns the humble with victory." You need to think about this. Do you want to overcome this? Or do you want to be haughty and selfish and say you're still in the right?

I agree with Nod, he did lead you on, but at the same time, you also were a stumbling block for him as well. I believe why he has totally rejected you is because he see's that you still have work to be done in your life and he doesn't want to be a stumbling block for you as well.

I can say that almost everytime I hear (or read) someone preach against homosexuality, I feel personally like I'm being attacked, picked on, and belittled. I know you will say that it is "conviction," but I beg to differ. The only reason I feel this way is because of frustration! It's frustrating to me to be misunderstood. And to hear preachers from the pulpit telling me I'm "disgusting," "gross," "evil," "rebellious," a "sissy," a "punk," a "faggot" (yes, these words have come across many pulpits)... I'll tell you how it feels to me. It makes me not want G-d's presence, but rather makes me want to run from such a biased dictator. It makes me not trust G-d. It makes me think that G-d is a cold, insensitive, heartless, narcissistic, egomaniacal, cruel, deranged, schizophrenic psychopath! Call it irreverent or disrespectful to think this about G-d, but this is precisely how He is appears to me. If these men and women are His mouthpieces, then they are the revelation of G-d. And while no one in their right mind wants to go to hell--I certainly don't!--no one in their right mind would want to submit themselves to such a tyrant either; that would make Heaven as bad as Hell, if not worse.

A lot of preachers really do dislike homosexuals. They love to hate. It's not right. At all. I want you to go listen to something, I promise it's nothing against homosexuals. But it does talk about them.

Go to :Christ Fellowship Miami - Watch scroll down and type in Homosexuality, press "Go" and it'll pop up at the bottom "Homosexuality" 7/18/2010. Listen to it. I promise you will be surprised to the message.

This is my honest perception, as a homosexual who did not ask for this orientation, but was given it by the same G-d who condemns me for it.

God did not place this on you. Don't go blaming God that you're homosexual. Sin did. Homosexuality is a result of sin. You were create in the image of God, so God didn't make you that way. It's result of the fall of man. God DOES however, allows sin to take it's course so that he can show great power in restoring people's lives. For example, in the New testament there was a blind man and the Pharisees asked him who sinned his father or his mother. Jesus replied "No one. It is to show the power of God." And Jesus healed him. So, now you have a choice, you can choose to accept God's healing, or you can continue on the path you're down now.

Reading what I've read it sounds to me that you really don't want to accept God's healing. That you're perfectly fine with going down this way. To quote Toby Mac "I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul." Think about it. Do you honestly want to live a full life of this only to give up your soul in the process?

I'm not condemning you by any means. You seem like a really cool person to talk to. I don't want to be mean to you in any way. I just want to help.

 

[Brandon777]

God loves so much.

This is my honest perception, as a homosexual who did not ask for this orientation, but was given it by the same G-d who condemns me for it.

I acknowledge that you have attraction for men, but don't go wining and crying saying God gave you sin, when you should man up and acknowledge that not only did God give you your life when you didn't ask for it, but He gave you the full opportunity to know Him better by battling something sinful in you. Gay lust. It didn't come from Him, because there's nothing unrighteous in Him. It came from the initial evil of Lucifer and our ancestral ties to the Adamic race AND... YOU. So stop making excuses to God and deal with your problem side by side with your Maker who created you to love Him in perfect harmony and all the great feelings you miss from talking with your friend. God really can be your best friend. The moment you doubt that is the moment you are tossed too and fro as the waves of the Ocean (James 1:6).

Don't think I'm naive to your situation. I have a friend who was gay all his life even to the point of being a male prostitute, but even then, when he became a Christian, He decided that he was going to change and be holy for God's sake. He took a journey with God and godly friends to a place where he has taken command of his thoughts and became pure for God in his actions. God Bless him and you. Please check out this link
Herescope: Battle of the Mind

I understand why you would be upset at a lot of preachers on homosexuality, because a lot of them really don't preach the Bible at all. But don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. The Bible still makes certain things clear and God is still a perfectly good God. If you don't believe that than we have more to talk about. Please have wisdom about the Bible when it says that we all need to battle against lust, but homosexuality is a more perverse sin than lusting after a woman. Why is that? Well what we do know from the Bible is that in the beginning part of the reason Eve was made was so that Adam would not be alone. Their union was said by God to be "very good."