Hello Christian Chat world. I am refusing sleep.
I recently went through this as far as relationships. After over a year and a half, I finally immersed myself back in to the dating scene as this new comer entered in to my church, and we instantly hit it off. As in, when we made eye contact and finally greeted each other, no one else mattered inside that room because we created a world with just the two of us.
And we fell hard for each other. We didn't over step boundaries, or seek our identity in one another, but we emotionally broke down our walls and within a week or two I knew I was in love. It was completely out of my nature and ruled against my normal overly-cautious approach and my rather fine-tuned ability to run away from men as soon as they showed interest.
After a month of bliss, it went completely pear shaped as new sides of his character (look, and even my own) emerged in the tension and I realised we were like chalk and cheese and ended it. But what got me is that even though I decided this, I experienced this great sense of grief or loss I haven't experienced in a long time. Then I thought I lost a friendship with my best guy friend who is like a big brother to me. Then this little girl in my kindergarten room left because her family moved far away.
And although these are really little scenarios, its not like anyone died or anything so the sense of grief isn't huge, but I just felt such a sense of loss and connection break down with people I dearly loved. I went to my guy friend and things were all okay, but we ended up having the 'talk' about honouring each other as we each go in to relationships and how we would move apart to do this. I confidently brought this up with him, knowing it was right and it all seemed biblically sound and honouring to all involved, but the thought of not sitting at the beach or at mountain peaks with him, talking about God like little children seemed to hurt. I realised, if I loved him well and wanted the best for him, I would probably have to say good-bye one day.
So I felt this heaviness for a couple of days, and I brought it to my biological older brother who is like my personal trainer/personal cheer leader and life coach, and he talked about his experience with people walking out of his life and people walking in. And although I knew this at the back of my mind, he said, "Arlene, people come in and out of your life all the time, but what matters is that in the time you were blessed with knowing them, cherish it, and love them well in that time and space."
So, as far as the month or more of blissful dating and being pursued? You know what? I loved wildly. I was shocked that my heart had grown so much and could feel so much. When grief set in? I was astonished that I loved so much, that losing something moved me in a way I haven't felt in so long. In a way, I looked at the emotionally bipolar grieving process from a third person perspective and was quite fascinated by the whole thing. The human heart and capacity is quite extraordinary. Did I stay in my grief? No. I realised I have the power of choice, so during worship one night I let loose and danced and praised and rejoiced in God even when my soul just wanted to feel sorry for itself. In it all I came to a deeper revelation and understanding of the joy, peace and happiness at hand for us that can be accessed at any point, in any season, at any time.
As far as relationships, there is a time to fight for connection, and there is a time for letting go, but all we can do is love well and love wildly with an un-offended heart and forgiveness at the ready.
