Lost

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joliepuff

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So I've never done anything like post in a chat room and I feel a little odd sharing my personal life with strangers, but at this point I am pretty desperate for some sort of guidance. So here it goes....

I am so lost and have been for years now. I am trying so desperately to get back to God and feel like it's just never going to happen again. I used to be very religious and could genuinely feel God's presence. I used to be so happy and feel like no matter what happened He was always there. Then it seemed like everything went wrong. I feel like I lost my faith when my Dad died. He was the world to me and I couldn't understand why he died. Now, that I'm older I've accepted that it's just a part of life but as a young girl I couldn't help but just be angry and I felt so cheated so I blamed God. As I got older I just distanced myself more and more and surrounded myself by people who don't believe in God or just don't talk about it. During college I had an incident where a complete stranger attacked me and tried to stab kill me. I was saved by a complete stranger and where one would think I'd be thankful to God for saving my life I just became a destructive person and dealt with my pain by using drugs and drinking all the time. In the past couple of years I've cleaned up my act somewhat but know that I'm still constantly hurting myself. I am 24 years old and know that I still make poor decisions. I just don't know what to do anymore. I pray and pray but I just don't think I'm every going to get that relationship I have with God back. I feel like if I can't forgive myself for the things I do why would He? I'm just not sure what to do anymore and feel completely out of hope. So if you have any positive feedback or know where I'm coming from I'd really appreciate some advice. Thanks for listening.
 
I can totally understand your anger over your father's death, and I'm very sorry about what happened to you in college. We all have our own days of dealing with things and we all have coping mechanisms that may not be the healthiest choices, so you are definitely not alone. Don't feel as if you've somehow failed in your faith--it's the difficult times that show us what we're really made of.

Do you have anyone in your church that you could talk to? A pastor, Christian counselor, or older female Christian friend? I have two women I consider to be my mentors and it's helped me immensely to be able to talk to them. If you don't know of anyone, you could call your church leadership and ask them for the name of someone you could talk to. And if you can't really tell them what's going on, make a copy of the post you just shared with us and share it with the person they lead you to. This is definitely something you shouldn't be carrying on your own.

I know it may seem pointless at the time, but keep praying and reaching out to God--even in your worst times. Sometimes, that's when He wants you to come to Him the most. Best wishes and keep us posted. (I do understand--I never got into drugs or alcohol but I used to be a "cutter" because that's how I let out the anger.) It took a long time and I still deal with anger issues, so I can't tell you things will all be rosy or wonderful... but I do know God works through people to help get you through.

Best wishes and keep us posted.

P.S. Maybe you'll never get "the same relationship" with God back--what you'll get is a different, but closer relationship with God because of what you're going through.
 
Hi Jolie, Personaly I have been through such times. Know the truth is that life hurts sometimes and sometimes hurts the most. Jesus said trouble will come, but we must hold on. 1998 I had no peace and I tried to kill myself, but a voice from the wall stopped me. This happened 3 times and it was at the 3rd time that I find out it was Jesus. He promised me peace I got born again. In 2001 December before my final matric exams, my uncle was very sick and his sleeping with me in my room. He troubled me so much and I had to prepare for exams. I couldnt focus, people who promised to be there for me were just never there, on the other hand my Pastors were at war with each other. I had no peace at all so after my exams I backslided. I went back to drinking and smoking the very things I use to do even before I was a teenager. I became worse, smoking not less than 20 a day and drinking everyday. 2005 a young preacher from Swaziland gave me so much love that I gave my life back to God. I recoverd and my relationship with God was restored. We went out praying for the sick and saw many people getting healed even from HIV/AIDS. After all the very person who pulled me up breaked me down. Its a long story. I started smoking and drinking again and had no joy to go to church. God sent me a team of young ministers who had been wounded by their pastor. We got together and we were praying together. Later on my mother (a prophetess) got attacked by a strong mental illness, my spirit was crushed within me. She was my only parent, my friend and my shoulder to lean on. She destroyed things in the house and almost burned the house down. I couldnt pray for many months the only prayer i made was sleeping on a wet pillow for crying was all i could do. But God knows when we cant take it no more, he renewed my strength. Now I am very strong and powerful. When God is taking you to greater highs, trouble, separation, rejection and pain are your ladder. God dont make sense sometimes even faith makes sense after the manifestetion, and God dont want to be understood. Fear not God is in control and in time he will reward you for all the pain you went through. God allowed it to happen so you will know him. There is a difference between one who believe that God is able to forgive, provide, heal, deliver, etc. and someone who has been through pain, hunger, sinful life, etc. I have been through and i know my redeemer lives. I pray that God strengthen your faith. Things will change and when they do the devil will wish he had never troubled you. Psalm 34v18, 19, Job 36v15, 21 and 1 Corinthians 2v6-9.
 
Your relationship with God is the one relationship that people can't take away, and that will last. Even if you found other people to have good relationships with, like another father figure, or a brother or husband or best friend... even those can come and go, sometimes when we least expect it. But the one relationship that cannot end that way is our relationship with the Creator. Seek God again. Pray, talk to God, read the Word. Most Christians haven't even read the whole Bible yet, (yet they've read so many other books from cover to cover.) Start with the gospels, get to know Jesus all over again. Find a good church to take you in and be your new family and friends! Find a good bible believing church, but most of all, Trust in God!

I hope you find what you're looking for, and that you find yourself loved. Peace JoliePuff. :)
 
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