Love & Respect

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The thing about love/respect is that I think it's processed differently by men and women. Most guys have to feel respected in order to feel loved and that makes them inseparable in their minds, whereas for women respect is vitally important, but it doesn't necessarily equal being or feeling loved.

Also, love and respect go hand in hand, but they aren't necessarily inseparable. You can dearly love your alcoholic, drug-addicted cousin without respecting them, and you can respect your hard-nosed boss without loving them.

Then of course, you have the two different kinds of respect and love - loving and respecting someone because it's simple outflow from your heart (feeling/emotion), and choosing to love and respect someone because you have to (action - because sometimes the feeling isn't there and you have to buckle down and push through an unhappy, unpleasant rough patch with someone).
 
For some reason the only thing that comes to my mind is John 14:15.

Also John 21:15-17.
 
My first wife and I took this class from Emerson. I think it just taught her how to disrespect me better. Lol
 
I think it's a pretty uncontested "rule" in marriage that we should love unconditionally. But a common phrase in the world these days is that "respect must be earned". Is this wrong? Should we respect unconditionally also?

What are some ways that we can show love to the unlovable, or respect the unrespectable?
 
Grace-Like-Rain said:
I think it's a pretty uncontested "rule" in marriage that we should love unconditionally. But a common phrase in the world these days is that "respect must be earned". Is this wrong? Should we respect unconditionally also?

What are some ways that we can show love to the unlovable, or respect the unrespectable?
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Yes it's laying down your life. My, my dad was just horrible, atheist, mocked my mom and God, bossy, barking, cursed a lot, controlling. She just learned to love, obey, submit. They have a great marriage now and he changed and is sweet, but she laid her life down.
 
We project our inner feeling about ourself on our spouse. I honestly think it is as simple as that. A person who is secure and emotionally stable doesn't need a spouse but makes the best one and probably the best marriage you could have. If you are good at caring for your own self and emotions you wont seek someone who will and if you bump into one it will be obvious that you better run.
 
Grace-Like-Rain said:
I think it's a pretty uncontested "rule" in marriage that we should love unconditionally. But a common phrase in the world these days is that "respect must be earned". Is this wrong? Should we respect unconditionally also?

What are some ways that we can show love to the unlovable, or respect the unrespectable?
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I was brought up to believe its proper to treat everyone with respect and I believe that when you don't, it reflects back on you. There are some exceptions of course..
 
Grace-Like-Rain said:
I think it's a pretty uncontested "rule" in marriage that we should love unconditionally. But a common phrase in the world these days is that "respect must be earned". Is this wrong? Should we respect unconditionally also?

What are some ways that we can show love to the unlovable, or respect the unrespectable?
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I do believe that respect is something earned, not something just freely handed out to every person I meet. It's something that takes some time to grow, in the same way it takes time for love to grow. However, consideration is another matter...I don't have to respect someone in order to treat them considerately. Incidentally, I also believe that being considerate of someone is where respect begins- and also a huge part of making someone feel respected.

I think that people (women, particularly) seem to have a hard time accepting the "respect your husbands" thing because they're confusing respect with worship (hear me out!)- while respect does mean to esteem or hold in high regard, it does Not mean that a woman has to bow down to her husband, which is basically what I think the women who vehemently oppose showing men respect think they're being told to do. I've thought like that myself in the not-so-distant past; I was mentally placing more meaning on the word Respect than what's actually there, and I refused to put anyone up on the pedestal I was assuming I was supposed to be putting them on. As a result, I found myself being extremely disrespectful, in an attempt to prove that nobody was going to get my respect without jumping through hoops for it first- which is an attitude I see a lot even on here.

Thank God my attitude changed. It wasn't instantaneous; I didn't suddenly start showing my husband respect, but I did start being considerate of him- of his feelings and needs. Out of that basic consideration has grown a deeper love and yes, respect for him. There's been a similar change in him towards me, and it also started with him simply being more considerate.

Personal examples aside, I feel pretty safe in saying that as a general rule, you can't respect or love someone who you can't even show basic consideration to- as in biting your tongue when you have something scathing to say, or lending a hand when they obviously need it, or just treating them the way you want to be treated...and I think that's a great way to begin showing love and respect to those who don't "deserve" it.
 
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Grace-Like-Rain said:
I mentioned in another thread that I'd read a survey revealing that 3 out of 4 men would rather feel unloved and alone than feel disrespected and inadequate. Most of us probably already knew that a woman's top need in a relationship is to feel loved, while a man's top need is to feel respected. I was reading the other night and came across this (below) which just kinda blew my mind for some reason:

"In a relationship conflict, crying is often a woman's response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man's response to feeling disrespected". -Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

I'm curious to know if this is true for most people. I feel like, if it is, this could really change relationship conflicts completely. Understanding WHY we react as we do, and knowing the signs of feeling unloved or disrespected could take us so far in correcting our failures during conflicts.

So my questions are...

Women: Have you ever cried (or felt like crying) during a conflict, and if so, what was at the ROOT of those feelings? (Don't focus on the actual conflict itself, but rather on how the other person was making you feel.) Would you say that feeling unloved might have been the cause?

Men: Have you ever become really angry during a conflict, and if so, what was at the ROOT of those feelings? (Don't focus on the actual conflict itself, but rather on how the other person was making you feel.) Would you say that feeling disrespected or inadequate might have been the cause?

What about the person you were in conflict with? Did they get angry, or cry? Do you know what caused that reaction?

Feel free to elaborate, ponder aloud, or delve into this further.
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Thank you for sharing, GLR. For me, its not an either/or situation, its an and/both situation. Having love without respect or respect without love is not healthy for anyone or any relationship.
 
Sirk said:
We project our inner feeling about ourself on our spouse. I honestly think it is as simple as that. A person who is secure and emotionally stable doesn't need a spouse but makes the best one and probably the best marriage you could have. If you are good at caring for your own self and emotions you wont seek someone who will and if you bump into one it will be obvious that you better run.
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Yes those people who don't have issues and just pick someone who hasn't either, both stable and everything have those easy marriages that won't break apart without much effort. Heard one woman say it, not even a believer, that she did no effort whatsoever, it just went smooth.
 
MissChris: This is it precisely. You have to understand what respect is, and how it applies in different precepts, before you can give it.

For example: More than half the people where I work, and almost all the managers, spend much time standing around talking and playing on their phones. There are a few people who do an honest day's work and those people I respect as people. Fortunately the main manager is one of the ones I respect as a person. For the rest, I will respect the position of manager - I will sweep the floor or take out the trash if they tell me to - but I have no respect for them as people. I don't actively disrespect them, I don't call them out when they are killing time, but I'm not going to cultivate any kind of friendship with them and I will not voluntarily go the extra work mile for them. But for the few I do respect as people, I will do things I would not normally be willing to do for them.
 
Lynx said:
MissChris: This is it precisely. You have to understand what respect is, and how it applies in different precepts, before you can give it.

For example: More than half the people where I work, and almost all the managers, spend much time standing around talking and playing on their phones. There are a few people who do an honest day's work and those people I respect as people. Fortunately the main manager is one of the ones I respect as a person. For the rest, I will respect the position of manager - I will sweep the floor or take out the trash if they tell me to - but I have no respect for them as people. I don't actively disrespect them, I don't call them out when they are killing time, but I'm not going to cultivate any kind of friendship with them and I will not voluntarily go the extra work mile for them. But for the few I do respect as people, I will do things I would not normally be willing to do for them.
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Oh we just get paid to do that. If there's nothing else to do what else should you do? I do remember years ago when you had to work your socks off it was annoying when someone just talked for hours, but now I understand. They didn't have work for him.
 
coby where I work there is always something to do. The problem is too few people who will do it.
 
When I felt unloved, unwanted or not valued by my ex, my first reaction was resentment then my respect for him went down the drain because of my negative thoughts about his intentions. The feeling of wanting to cry came after a while when nothing changed in that situation and it was over and I miss him.

When conflict arise in relationship it doesnt matter who stop loving or respecting first because its normal to mess up. A man cannot love someone who looks down on him and a woman cant love someone who doesnt make her feel special. Both should have a forgiving heart and should stop waiting for the other to start loving again or respecting again. Dont wait too long for the longer you wait the farther you are drifting away from each other.
 
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