Love & Respect

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Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
Sep 6, 2013
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I mentioned in another thread that I'd read a survey revealing that 3 out of 4 men would rather feel unloved and alone than feel disrespected and inadequate. Most of us probably already knew that a woman's top need in a relationship is to feel loved, while a man's top need is to feel respected. I was reading the other night and came across this (below) which just kinda blew my mind for some reason:

"In a relationship conflict, crying is often a woman's response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man's response to feeling disrespected". -Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

I'm curious to know if this is true for most people. I feel like, if it is, this could really change relationship conflicts completely. Understanding WHY we react as we do, and knowing the signs of feeling unloved or disrespected could take us so far in correcting our failures during conflicts.

So my questions are...

Women: Have you ever cried (or felt like crying) during a conflict, and if so, what was at the ROOT of those feelings? (Don't focus on the actual conflict itself, but rather on how the other person was making you feel.) Would you say that feeling unloved might have been the cause?

Men: Have you ever become really angry during a conflict, and if so, what was at the ROOT of those feelings? (Don't focus on the actual conflict itself, but rather on how the other person was making you feel.) Would you say that feeling disrespected or inadequate might have been the cause?

What about the person you were in conflict with? Did they get angry, or cry? Do you know what caused that reaction?

Feel free to elaborate, ponder aloud, or delve into this further.
 
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Im gonna go from the way i felt with my father. Ive cried because of feeling rejected, him not being there when i need/ed him the most (which i think also is in other relationships), or him just showing the cold shoulder and expecting me to just toughen up and go on and setting feelings aside
 
Interesting question, and I would have to consider it more deeply, but for me, oftentimes the main factor in my getting angry/frustrated in any relationship, be it with a girlfriend or a family member is one of two things; 1. Being misunderstood (my intentions are generally good, and so when someone interprets them in a different way, that's annoying! I can recall many occasions like this, and it really does hurt, and like you mentioned, men react to hurt with anger, often) 2. Injustice; This is similar to being disrespected, i.e., the other person saying/doing something that isn't fair. And for me one of the main factors that can compound these problems is the fact that many men don't want to be overly emotional or expressive with how they are feeling. For me, at least, I want to be thought the best of, even if my actions aren't always perfect, like any human being! And if someone takes my sincere actions/words in a negative way, then I often just let them, bottle it up with anger, and that can ruin a relationship.
 
Grace-Like-Rain said:
I mentioned in another thread that I'd read a survey revealing that 3 out of 4 men would rather feel unloved and alone than feel disrespected and inadequate. Most of us probably already knew that a woman's top need in a relationship is to feel loved, while a man's top need is to feel respected. I was reading the other night and came across this (below) which just kinda blew my mind for some reason:

"In a relationship conflict, crying is often a woman's response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man's response to feeling disrespected". -Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

I'm curious to know if this is true for most people. I feel like, if it is, this could really change relationship conflicts completely. Understanding WHY we react as we do, and knowing the signs of feeling unloved or disrespected could take us so far in correcting our failures during conflicts.

So my questions are...

Women: Have you ever cried (or felt like crying) during a conflict, and if so, what was at the ROOT of those feelings? (Don't focus on the actual conflict itself, but rather on how the other person was making you feel.) Would you say that feeling unloved might have been the cause?

Men: Have you ever become really angry during a conflict, and if so, what was at the ROOT of those feelings? (Don't focus on the actual conflict itself, but rather on how the other person was making you feel.) Would you say that feeling disrespected or inadequate might have been the cause?

What about the person you were in conflict with? Did they get angry, or cry? Do you know what caused that reaction?

Feel free to elaborate, ponder aloud, or delve into this further.
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Yes in the first relationship. If he didn't respect me didn't bother me. He only got angry if there was a crumb on the floor LOL.
Hahaha and after 12 years of fights over crumbs we wanted to start a clean up company together.
In the second the total uninterest, do everything yourself. Then first anger but very fast withdrawal. Not gonna beg for attention for ages.
 
Demi777 said:
Im gonna go from the way i felt with my father. Ive cried because of feeling rejected, him not being there when i need/ed him the most (which i think also is in other relationships), or him just showing the cold shoulder and expecting me to just toughen up and go on and setting feelings aside
Click to expand...

I'm sorry you felt this way with your father, Demi. That's heartbreaking. I'm praying now that your father can learn to love you in the way that you need him to. That's SO important! *hug*
 
Grace-Like-Rain said:
I'm sorry you felt this way with your father, Demi. That's heartbreaking. I'm praying now that your father can learn to love you in the way that you need him to. That's SO important! *hug*
Click to expand...

He doesnt feel emotions he just is like a mashine. i guess thats from the army. hes in the USA and im in germany so the main pain reduced a lot. Ive barely had him in my life as he mainly was gone Over seas but thanks for the prayers. Had a lot of pains with him abuse and stuff but nothing i wanna openly put here yet
 
It's wonderful to be loved, but in reality God's love is sufficient for me. I know nobody can love me like the Lord can. La la la!!! ♥

I'm gonna hafta go with being taken for a fool, or disrespected. I don't like it. Nope, nope, nope! Nevertheless, I've had the rug pulled out from under my feet and been taken advantage of enough times to know that putting too much faith in people, rather than God, I set myself up for disappointment. So it's my own dumb fault.

I still don't like it, though. :p
 
i don't get angry very easily I am much more prone to crying when hurt or upset which is why I am called a cry baby a lot and I also cannot watch sad or touching movies or else I will cry and i get embarrassed. I was told by so many girls that means i have a soft and kind heart but guys- well... they have a different view lol.

But I have gotten angry before and honestly it scared it me, I was so angry I was shaking and I mean shaking bad I was screaming bloody murder it just wasn't me.
 
Great post, Grace! :)

I have mercifully forgotten most of the details of conflicts with my ex, but I do recall that being constantly interrupted led to my getting angry. I would have to agree that it was probably rooted in feeling disrespected. However, I also had anger issues from injustices I received from years previous, so I can't blame my ex for that. Also, she probably interrupted because she felt unloved. I think that's why blame doesn't work; there is always some level of justification which makes bad behaviour "okay under the circumstances". In a marriage, it never is okay. Understandable, but not excusable.
 
I don't know why, but I hardly ever cry anymore.

And about the only time I cry is then I'm really, really angry. If I'm having an argument and tears are involuntarily starting to swell up (because my emotions are about to boil over), it means I'm trying to hold back from giving someone a smackdown, whether verbally or physically, even if I know I'd never win the fight.

I hold a lot in for the sake of peace, but eventually, I get to the point where I just can't hold it in anymore.

If I try to analyze it, it's not really a matter of feeling unloved or disrespected, but rather, as I feel as if this person has been getting away with something for so long, they think they can always get away with it because no one else has stood up to them.

If I'm about to cry out of anger, it means that I'm about 0.8 second from being that person who tries to stand up to them.

My last relationship ended eons ago, but one of the major reasons I left was because he was making angry all the time (like the time he was drunk and "borrowed" my Jeep to go fly his model airplane, then crashed it into the ONLY tree in the wide-open field directly behind my house. He could have just walked and saved me the $2000 in repairs.)

We started having more and more severe confrontations, and I knew if I didn't get out of that situation, my "fight or flight" switch would hit a level I would regret forever.

If being around someone ever made me that angry again, I would leave as soon as possible.
 
I've gotten angry with men a few times during an argument (in real life). They usually just didn't care and ignored what I said. One of them was a coworker who got fired shortly thereafter because he decided to ignore the boss too..

I only remember once many years ago I got angry with a woman I worked with but I remained calm. Then as soon as she left the room I threw a pencil at the wall..
 
This definitely isn't fool-proof, and it is limited in it's applications. It wouldn't be a useful tool to use in an already unhealthy relationship. But in a healthy relationship between a man and a woman, it's possible I think to recognize tears (her) or anger (him) as a barometer or warning of dangerously low levels of love or respect.

I very rarely cried when arguing with my ex, but usually my feelings of sadness came from feeling like he was uninterested in struggles I was facing. (So, feelings of aloneness and isolation for me.) I would try to talk to him about my concerns, and be met with a blank wall. So I can attribute this to not feeling loved.

For him, he would often become angry when he felt I was questioning him too much on something. He felt that I was "giving him the third degree" and my questions made him feel that I didn't trust him enough to let him handle whatever it was. This, I think would fall into the "feelings of inadequacy" which relates to disrespect for men, from what I can tell.
 
I can barely remember the details of my conflicts with my ex. I may have cried, but only because I felt betrayed and it was for an entirely different reason. It was more like, my expectations and his actions (and intentions) were constantly against each other. Out of frustration, I found release in crying. Not because I felt unloved.

Interesting thread though, it may very well have to do with the kind of background we grew up in.
 
A_Friend_In_Christ said:
I would like to both be loved and respected. Why not go for both? :)
Click to expand...
I agree, I'd like to be loved and respected,
I really don't think one can give or receive
genuine love without respect.
I really yearn for love like that, and without it,
sometimes I get so angry I could cry! :p
 
zeroturbulence said:
I've gotten angry with men a few times during an argument (in real life). They usually just didn't care and ignored what I said. One of them was a coworker who got fired shortly thereafter because he decided to ignore the boss too..

I only remember once many years ago I got angry with a woman I worked with but I remained calm. Then as soon as she left the room I threw a pencil at the wall..
Click to expand...

Oh that's nothing. I threw my phone against the wall when a guy at work pressured me to do the impossible.
 
Grace-Like-Rain said:
I mentioned in another thread that I'd read a survey revealing that 3 out of 4 men would rather feel unloved and alone than feel disrespected and inadequate. Most of us probably already knew that a woman's top need in a relationship is to feel loved, while a man's top need is to feel respected. I was reading the other night and came across this (below) which just kinda blew my mind for some reason:

"In a relationship conflict, crying is often a woman's response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man's response to feeling disrespected". -Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

I'm curious to know if this is true for most people. I feel like, if it is, this could really change relationship conflicts completely. Understanding WHY we react as we do, and knowing the signs of feeling unloved or disrespected could take us so far in correcting our failures during conflicts.

So my questions are...

Women: Have you ever cried (or felt like crying) during a conflict, and if so, what was at the ROOT of those feelings? (Don't focus on the actual conflict itself, but rather on how the other person was making you feel.) Would you say that feeling unloved might have been the cause?

Men: Have you ever become really angry during a conflict, and if so, what was at the ROOT of those feelings? (Don't focus on the actual conflict itself, but rather on how the other person was making you feel.) Would you say that feeling disrespected or inadequate might have been the cause?

What about the person you were in conflict with? Did they get angry, or cry? Do you know what caused that reaction?

Feel free to elaborate, ponder aloud, or delve into this further.
Click to expand...

I literally had a conversation relating to this topic...while I know that no one can love me like our Heavenly Father.....however in a relational conflict from past relationships, I find myself crying because of an act of betrayal against me. Most certainly it is from feeling unloved, so for me being cherished is very important.
 
A_Friend_In_Christ said:
I would like to both be loved and respected. Why not go for both? :)
Click to expand...

I think this is the best answer yet!

It's also important to understand that such ideas as the man has a greater need for respect, and the woman has a greater need for love are blanket statements that are applied to populations, not individuals. There are men for whom the need for love is greater, and their are women for whom the need for respect is greater. And most everyone has a mix of the two needs.

Is it possible to separate the two? Oftentimes, the same action that satisfies one's need for love will also satisfy the need to feel respected.
 
CatHerder said:
I think this is the best answer yet!

It's also important to understand that such ideas as the man has a greater need for respect, and the woman has a greater need for love are blanket statements that are applied to populations, not individuals. There are men for whom the need for love is greater, and their are women for whom the need for respect is greater. And most everyone has a mix of the two needs.

Is it possible to separate the two? Oftentimes, the same action that satisfies one's need for love will also satisfy the need to feel respected.
Click to expand...
Yes respect without love is nothing, neither is love without respect. If you don't respect someone you don't love him/her and if you don't love someone it's just fear.
 
Grace-Like-Rain said:
I mentioned in another thread that I'd read a survey revealing that 3 out of 4 men would rather feel unloved and alone than feel disrespected and inadequate. Most of us probably already knew that a woman's top need in a relationship is to feel loved, while a man's top need is to feel respected. I was reading the other night and came across this (below) which just kinda blew my mind for some reason:

"In a relationship conflict, crying is often a woman's response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man's response to feeling disrespected". -Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

I'm curious to know if this is true for most people. I feel like, if it is, this could really change relationship conflicts completely. Understanding WHY we react as we do, and knowing the signs of feeling unloved or disrespected could take us so far in correcting our failures during conflicts.

So my questions are...

Women: Have you ever cried (or felt like crying) during a conflict, and if so, what was at the ROOT of those feelings? (Don't focus on the actual conflict itself, but rather on how the other person was making you feel.) Would you say that feeling unloved might have been the cause?

Men: Have you ever become really angry during a conflict, and if so, what was at the ROOT of those feelings? (Don't focus on the actual conflict itself, but rather on how the other person was making you feel.) Would you say that feeling disrespected or inadequate might have been the cause?

What about the person you were in conflict with? Did they get angry, or cry? Do you know what caused that reaction?

Feel free to elaborate, ponder aloud, or delve into this further.
Click to expand...
Speaking personally... if I don't feel loved I get sad and it seems to happen at least once a day.

If someone offends me it raises my blood pressure. I think maybe because I was bullied as a kid, I'm more sensitive to being offended.
 
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