Men and women: Could you explain this to me

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spunkycat08

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2013
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What I am posting happened in the past regarding my boyfriend *now husband* and me, but since we both are Christians, I have been trying to figure out why this happened and why this particular former female friend of my husband acted like this.

Some information about my husband's former female friend:

The former female friend of my husband was a neighbor of his. She told him that she was a Christian. She told him that she was raised in a very strict religious home. Her father was a minister. She told him she wanted to meet and marry a Christian man who is a virgin.

A couple of months before the two of us started dating, she called him and asked him to come over to her place alone because she wanted help with a personal relationship problem with the guy she was involved with. So he went over to her place. The following morning he called me at work to let me know that she was at his place because she wanted to continue their conversation. She was still upset regarding what happened between her and the guy she was involved with.

He let her know that he just wanted to be her friend. She agreed to that. He gave her his cell phone number, and he showed her how to text him if she wanted his help. He is the type of guy who likes to help others.

Several weeks later she told him some things about her...
  • she is schizophrenic
  • she is hypoglycemic

When we started dating, he introduced me to her. During our dating relationship, the following things happened regarding his friendship with her...

  • she invited him over to her place alone for lunch and dinner
  • she asked him to come over to her place alone several times so she could talk to him
  • she would come over to his place alone to spend time with him and leave her personal belongings at his place
  • she would constantly text and call him to the point that it was irritating to him. This also happened when I was spending time alone with him. She would call during the day, during the night, and so on.

The entire time this was happening, she kept on insisting that she only wanted to be friends with him. Whenever she would spend time with him alone, she would talk to him for several hours. It got to the point that I had to tell him there needed to be some changes regarding their friendship. She was spending more time alone with him compared to me.

When he proposed to me, I told him that his friendship with her had to be modified. She could not spend time alone with him. She was not happy when he told her this.

It got to the point that their friendship had to end. This happened before we got married. The reason why was because...
  • she would not accept the fact that she could no longer spend time alone with him
  • she would not accept the fact that she could no longer call him whenever she wanted to
  • she told him when he let her know that he was going to propose marriage to me that I was not good enough for him

Why would a Christian girl act like this? Why did all of this happen in the first place?
 
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I think somewhere down the line she ended up having strong feelings for him. She has not been able to put a lid on it, which is why she is unhappy to accept the modifications to her friendship with him. It's not about whether a girl is Christian or not. This happens irrespective of gender, language, race and religion. Anybody can develop strong feelings for anybody else unless both parties agree to keep it strictly platonic within well-defined boundaries.

Your husband has to make her understand that she has two options - either to accept these modifications and abide by them, OR, to give up on the friendship. The final decision will have to be hers.
 
It sounds like she will be trouble to your marriage, I would advise your husband to cut off all ties with her.
 
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It sounds like she became emotionally dependent on your husband during the time that he was still single. Her being a Christian woman has nothing to do with anything. It is good that this friendship ended before your marriage. I am sure that you posed a few questions to him before being married, namely, how attached was he to this woman while he was still single and seeing you. This may become a serious issue if your husband still has feelings for her. To me, it is obvious that he did during the time that he was her friend. It would be seriously inappropriate for him to even contemplate remaining this woman's friend as he is no longer single but is now your husband.

This happened in the first place because he allowed it to happen. It may have been innocent but now it can become devastating if allowed to continue.

Stay close to your husband in prayer and make sure it is God that is the centerpiece of your marriage. I would be very vigilant during the next few months. This woman is trouble.
 
Keiko123 said:
It sounds like she will be trouble to your marriage, I would advise your husband to cut off all ties with her.
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It got to the point that their friendship had to end.
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To OP... you said she confessed to being schizo, so what kind of behavior would you expect?
Why she did this? Only this woman knows. Everyone can sit here and speculate, no one can provide answers. The only person that can truly answer this is the woman in question. This is especially true of someone with a mental illness.
Sometimes people lie about their intentions, sometimes intentions change. We don't know which happened. But chances are, at some point in all of this, her schizo came into play. Sounds particularly true when she lashed out about things at the end.
 
You can wrack your brain trying to understand her behavior. You never will, and it doesn't matter.

What DOES matter is that your husband cuts off all ties with her and establishes appropriate boundaries with other women who need "help."
 
Hi Sister Spunkycat! You say this is all in the past, correct? Is there a particular reason you are concerned about this now? Has this mentally ill woman resurfaced in your husband's life?
 
VioletReigns said:
Hi Sister Spunkycat! You say this is all in the past, correct? Is there a particular reason you are concerned about this now? Has this mentally ill woman resurfaced in your husband's life?
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I guess it goes back to Christians helping others.

We are supposed to help others as Christians, but how much help are we supposed to give?

I do run into her off and on. It just gets awkward. She asks me how he is doing. I keep the conversation simple.
 
spunkycat08 said:
I guess it goes back to Christians helping others.

We are supposed to help others as Christians, but how much help are we supposed to give?

I do run into her off and on. It just gets awkward. She asks me how he is doing. I keep the conversation simple.
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Protect your marriage before helping others that may interfere with your marriage.
 
There can't be an in between; a married man should not be a friend to another female, should not be alone with him. When you straddle the fence too many things can happen either way. A boundary should have been put up immediately with no waivering.

Christian or not, if she either needs meds or other help, she needs to get it from a qualified person and not another women's husband.
 
tourist said:
Her being a Christian woman has nothing to do with anything.
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Agreed.

CatHerder said:
What DOES matter is that your husband cuts off all ties with her and establishes appropriate boundaries with other women who need "help."
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Also agreed!
 
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