My wife wants a divorce and wont even consider trying to 'work it out'

[presidente]

As i mentioned earlier, i have not looked after my spirituality, it is like my heart has been asleep and the divorce has woken it up!

So now i am in he position where if i try to be spiritual with her, she will think "so NOW your spiritual, pppfffft"

And you can say, "I can't undo the past. But I can repent and live differently going forward."

Was she wanting you to be more spiritual before?

As a young husband, I didn't make much effort to pray with my wife on a regular basis. As a young father, it took me too long to get into reading Bible stories to my son. But I changed over time. If I had it to do over again, I would have focused more on these things. I did go to church and Bible studies with my wife. I just didn't really do much with it in the home beyond brief prayers, for meals, etc.

Now, I pray for my wife before I leave the house for the day and she prays for me. We pray before we drive somewhere, and often pray together at night. If he is going to do some ministry, if I get the chance, I'll pray for her before she goes to do that.

 

[presidente]

Btw, if you think what I'm suggesting is the right thing to do, don't let a little scoffing from your wife undermine your resolve.

 

[mystikmind]

I never mentioned yet,,, i have dreams sometimes. About 3 months prior to the divorce i had this difficult dream, my wife no longer wanted me and no matter what i did, i could not reach her. I could feel the hatred she had for me.

When i told her about the dream she dismissed it completely, "no of course i don't hate you, don't be silly".

3 months later here we are getting divorced and she won't consider anything to try to save the marriage

 

[mystikmind]

oh, sorry i forgot to mention, i may not reply specifically to some of your posts, but i have read and appreciate them all, thank you kindly.

 

[DyingToSelf]

Gracious Father,

I pray for this brother, this child of Yours, in his pain and confusion. LORD, we know Your purpose for marriage and we know what You have ordained for us to be complete and whole. You have said in Your word that "What GOD has joined together no man should tear asunder", I claim this for this family, Father.

LORD, we know that it is human nature for us to wish for instant gratification, it is in our nature that we look to immediately solving the problems that we have. GOD, I pray for this brother patience, that You will clear his mind and calm his heart in this time. Give him wisdom, Father, that he will watch his mind and his tongue in his speech with his wife, that he will listen to the Holy Spirit inside of him, that You will teach him what to say and when to say it. More importantly, I pray that You will give him the wisdom and forbearance to know when NOT to speak.

Gracious GOD, You alone know what are the root causes in this breakdown, and I pray that You will grant this child of Yours a hearing heart, to hear what the root causes are. I pray You will give him wisdom to ask for change in his own body and mind, that he will become a better husband and spiritual head of his family. I pray that You soften their hearts to each other, to remove the seeds of bitterness and resentment in their minds and tongues.

I pray that You remind this family of the love that they have for each other and give them the courage to accept reconciliation. Give them favour in each other's eyes and remind them that we are to love one another as Christ first loved us.

LORD, grant this brother rest and assurance, that he will have faith and patience to rest in Your finished work. For You came not to rob, steal and destroy but to give life more abundant.

Restore this family, Father. Lay Your redeeming hand on this couple and bring healing to this situation. Give them faith to wait on You and Your perfect time. Remind them that You are the door of Hope in the valley of Achor.

Grant them protection from all spirits of doubt and depression and disbelief. Comfort them in this time of need.

In the name of Jesus, my Kinsman-Redeemer,
Amen

 

[pwrnJC]

nobody can understand this other than YOU two. However..it is NOT the unpardonable sin..and, for your daughter to grow up in a household where the two parents only tolerate each other, but the 'kissy-poo" love is gone..has long term effects also. I would say..your wife has sought this...grant it and may the Holy Spirit begin to heal and draw the hurt and confusion away..so that your daughter can understand that she has no feeling that it was her fault as she grows older in your mutual decision. I've known Christian families, with split marriages, that actually get along great..go on vacations together and the children have two sets of awesome parents due to the maturity shown in the healing process.

 

[mystikmind]

Earlier this night i asked my wife if she had read an article i emailed her the link for a few days ago. She did not, she dousn't feel like reading anymore information relating to this topic. I said to her, "but divorce is a very big decision, shouldn't we arm ourselves with as much information as possible?". She got a very fed up look on her face and said something like "look i'm just not interested ok". She continues to display this disinterested attitude that she has had right from the start, as if divorce was no more significant to her than going and getting a hair cut.

It is 3;56am in the morning here right now, i haven't slept a wink and i need to get up at 6am to go to work! I am feeling deeply depressed and defeated.

I really needed to hear Dyingtoself's prayer, absolutely the right place at the right time!

Thank you also pwrnJC

 

[mystikmind]

i will go to bed and try to get some sleep, i will check back here later, in the meantime i welcome any further posts

 

[DyingToSelf]

Earlier this night i asked my wife if she had read an article i emailed her the link for a few days ago. She did not, she dousn't feel like reading anymore information relating to this topic. I said to her, "but divorce is a very big decision, shouldn't we arm ourselves with as much information as possible?". She got a very fed up look on her face and said something like "look i'm just not interested ok". She continues to display this disinterested attitude that she has had right from the start, as if divorce was no more significant to her than going and getting a hair cut.

It is 3;56am in the morning here right now, i haven't slept a wink and i need to get up at 6am to go to work! I am feeling deeply depressed and defeated.

I really needed to hear Dyingtoself's prayer, absolutely the right place at the right time!

Thank you also pwrnJC

Brother, Psalms 27:14- WAIT ON THE LORD, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thy heart: WAIT, I say, ON THE LORD. This is going to be hard to do, but do find out what WAITING on the LORD entails. Trust me when I tell you, I know what you're feeling. Try keeping to these few rules ( I found them on a very interesting article on the subject)- Don't Beg. Don't Argue. Don't Preach.

O LORD Jesus,

I pray for mystikmind, bless him with Your peace, Father, that he may learn how to let go of his situation and release it to You. Do not let his human nature overtake him, LORD. Take away his impatience, take away his stubbornness and let him open his hearing heart, Father.

Gracious Jesus, You know the pain and the grief in him, because You were in all points tempted when You were a man, and yet You did not sin. You have felt every human emotion and we know that You are feeling this brother's heartache. I pray that You will alleviate his pain and comfort his wounds with Your Word, LORD, only You can restore this to wholeness, I commit this marriage into Your hands.

Soften this sister's heart, awaken her thoughts to the knowledge of her love for her husband and remind her that giving up on this marriage is not what You have ordained for us. Jesus, I bind all evil influences around this couple, I speak against all bad and ungodly advice that is given to them, regardless of good intentions. I negate all negative words spoken to them and by them in the name of my Saviour Jesus Christ.

Fill this brother with faith and nourish his mind and heart with Your promises of healing and restoration. LORD, bind his body, mind and tongue to Your Holy Will and teach him that letting go and resting quietly at Your feet is the most needful thing that he can do in this situation.

Remind us that Godly faith is speaking the unseen as if they were seen, remind us that with faith as small as a mustard seed we can move mountains in Jesus name. Remove the spirit of doubt and disbelief in our hearts, Father.

I pray all this in Jesus most precious name,
Amen

 

[PaleoGirl]

Earlier this night i asked my wife if she had read an article i emailed her the link for a few days ago. She did not, she dousn't feel like reading anymore information relating to this topic. I said to her, "but divorce is a very big decision, shouldn't we arm ourselves with as much information as possible?". She got a very fed up look on her face and said something like "look i'm just not interested ok". She continues to display this disinterested attitude that she has had right from the start, as if divorce was no more significant to her than going and getting a hair cut.

It is 3;56am in the morning here right now, i haven't slept a wink and i need to get up at 6am to go to work! I am feeling deeply depressed and defeated.

I really needed to hear Dyingtoself's prayer, absolutely the right place at the right time!

Thank you also pwrnJC

I divorced my (ex) husband last year. I requested the divorce, and I would not budge. I had been requesting he receive counseling and that we get help for over a year prior to that. When she says it is over, believe her. You have tried, but pushing her further will just make the end even uglier. My ex harassed me constantly (and still does) during the divorce proceedings. It is nearly impossible for us to have a mature, friendly relationship. Whenever I act friendly, he hits on me.

Pray for her. Get counseling for yourself. Do much self reflection. My ex also sent me a book that he wanted me to read. Everything was too little, too late.

 

[DyingToSelf]

I divorced my (ex) husband last year. I requested the divorce, and I would not budge. I had been requesting he receive counseling and that we get help for over a year prior to that. When she says it is over, believe her. You have tried, but pushing her further will just make the end even uglier. My ex harassed me constantly (and still does) during the divorce proceedings. It is nearly impossible for us to have a mature, friendly relationship. Whenever I act friendly, he hits on me.

Pray for her. Get counseling for yourself. Do much self reflection. My ex also sent me a book that he wanted me to read. Everything was too little, too late.

Sister, I say this in love-

Mark 10:1-9
And he arose from thence, and cometh into the coasts of Judaea by the farther side of Jordan: and the people resort unto him again; and, as he was wont, he taught them again.
2 And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him.
3 And he answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you?
4 And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away.
5 And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.
6 But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Divorce happens due to the hardness of the human heart. It was not ordained by GOD, neither was it desired by Him. Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith. He came not to steal, kill or destroy, but to give life more abundant.

 

[Cee]

My advice? Focus on changing you, not on changing her. You read the articles. You go to the counseling. And seek God. Let Him change you. And pray for her and for Him to change her. Honor her. Don't do things to change her mind about you. I think that's the wrong attitude. Get down and dirty with Jesus. Tell Him you're sorry, forgive yourself, your wife, and anyone else HE brings to your mind. Let Him clean you up. If you're serious about knowing Him let Him be your pursuit. If this advice seems ridiculous to you, I would advise you to question the reasons why you are now deciding to be spiritual just as your wife is doing. If it seems correct to you, then run with it, and she will see the changes and God will handle it.

C.

 

[Viligant_Warrior]

My wife is Christian, but i am afraid if i push that line she would turn from God

This is a very telling sentence, Mystik. If she would "turn from God" either her faith is weak, and her turning away will be a long walk in the desert, or she has no faith to begin with. If there is any way to find out which, I would urge you discuss it with her. If she is "happy" now that you've agreed to let her go, perhaps you could find a way to bring the subject up without broaching to subject as the foundation of the marriage -- which is, if you're both believers, what it should be.

For her sake, even if ultimately you go your separate ways, I believe it paramount that you help her settle that question before she leaves. And, if you do, it may bring about a change of heart and mind. One never knows.

 

[mystikmind]

I divorced my (ex) husband last year. I requested the divorce, and I would not budge. I had been requesting he receive counseling and that we get help for over a year prior to that. When she says it is over, believe her. You have tried, but pushing her further will just make the end even uglier. My ex harassed me constantly (and still does) during the divorce proceedings. It is nearly impossible for us to have a mature, friendly relationship. Whenever I act friendly, he hits on me.

Pray for her. Get counseling for yourself. Do much self reflection. My ex also sent me a book that he wanted me to read. Everything was too little, too late.

There is the key difference between your situation and mine. my wife never requested counseling or that we get help at any time before telling me it is over.

 

[presidente]

I still think you should tell her you were wrong to agree to the divorce, that it's immoral and you won't be complicit by cooperating in such a thing when there aren't even grounds (ask if she's had an affair). If it were me, I'd tell my wife that as her husband, I forbid her to divorce me. Then I think you should not follower her around like a puppy dog trying to get her to love you. If she wants to talk, she will. You can be open and available. You can also say that right now you are her husband, and are your daughter's father, and you want to live a certain way when it comes to prayer and family devotions. You could push a bit to get her involved.

If it were me, and my wife were like that, I'd be disappointed in her and I might respect her as much. I don't think it's wrong to tell a woman that when she's acting that way. She's there being upset with you, if you've told your whole story, for no concrete reason. It might not hurt her to think that you have reason to be disgusted with the way she's acting or your losing respect for her. The Bible says to love your neighbor, and rebuke your neighbor frankly lest you share in his sin.
I don't see a problem with pointing out that leaving a husband like that is being a bad mother and sowing something bad into the daughter's life as well. As head in the marriage, you shouldn't be complicit in such a thing.

I got some advice from one person who says if a couple hate each other, there is some hope because there is emotional investment. Apathy is harder to come back from.

I heard a preacher say once not to make decisions with permanent consequences based on temporary feelings. It sounds like your wife wants to do that (unless there is an affair going on, and even then that may be the case.) If your wife claims to be a believer, she may be thinking she will sin now, and ask forgiveness later. God really doesn't like that sort of thing. People who do that face consequences down the road. If you start praying with her and having devotions, it may put her in a situation where she has to consider her faith as it relates to divorce.

If you are afraid the slightest thing may push her away from God, that doesn't seem to be a legitimate fear, IMO. It sounds like she is already pushing away from God by trying to get a divorce if the story you have told us is complete.

Going forward, both of you are going to have to realize that your marriage is going to have to be based on more than emotional feelings of love or feeling happy. Serious marital love has to have an aspect of commitment to it, and marriage is also about pleasing God who created it, not just our temporary happiness.

 

[notuptome]

There is the key difference between your situation and mine. my wife never requested counseling or that we get help at any time before telling me it is over.

Without a biblical reason to divorce there is no divorce. This covenant relationship you made in marriage included a third party and that party has rights to be considered. You happiness and her happiness are not to take priority over Gods glory. If she flees from God because you press her on this matter then allow God to deal with her as He sees fit. Sounds to me like the priorities in this family are not aligned with Gods word.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[mystikmind]

Perhaps if i tell you guys in a bit more detail what happened, it might help, these are very private matters but all things considered, privacy is not a very high priority at the moment?

 

[mystikmind]

it all began even before we got married, (we were together 4 years before getting married) i noticed that slowly she was looking for more and more excuses not to be intimate. Slowly the time between encounters kept increasing.

I am not a very tidy person, i tend to let dishes build up before washing them. She cannot relax if there is a mess and has to clean it up. Now she has actually told me herself that cleaning up my mess made her less interested in sex.

At first i interpreted it as just the normal 'settling down' from the initial excitement of a new relationship. As time went on, i began to think that perhaps she is just naturally less sexual, and allot of women can be that way. I did not consider sex a very important reason for not marrying her, we were still very much in love and i felt like we were soul mates.

Anyhow, after getting married we had 3 wonderful years together but the sex was down to once or twice a fourtnight. I tried very hard to be a gentlemen, but deep down the resentment was slowly growing. Meanwhile exactly the same thing was happening for her because i was not very attentive to her needs, helping doing chores, buying flowers, all the usual things well intentioned dumb guys usually screw up.

Then we had our daughter and it kind of put all that in the background. So after the first year with our daughter, my wife started sending me signals, she even told me a few times that she is not happy but i do not know how to respond? I tried to lift my game around the house, i tried very hard but my sleeping heart and hidden resentment held me back.

My wife was getting more and more disconnected to me romantically, she would get irritated if i gave her a random hug or kiss and she would say "not now, can't you see i'm busy". meanwhile in the 3 years after our Daughter was borne, we had sex only twice! I kept telling myself to be patient and give her her space, things will get better, i never once considered cheating, but underneath by resentment was getting stronger and louder until i did something quite horrid.... On our anniversary, she said to me that today is our anniversary, i said "oh really" then turned back to my computer and did nothing more about it. What i was thinking in my mind was very foolish, i was thinking "only lovers celebrate anniversaries and were not lovers, just good friends, so if she thinks I'm going to be romantic, she has got another thing coming".

So things were bad and neither of us put up our hand to say, 'stop' we need to do something about this, we just let it slide... Also with the busy lives and a young child, all the distractions make it very easy to forget/ignore there is a big growing problem underneath,,, and also i think that neither of us want to admit our bad feelings we want to try to deny them instead.

Then lastly we went on a holiday to the Philippines for 3 weeks (she is Filipino) and we met all her family and freinds and it reminded her of who she used to be and all the dreams she used to have when she was young. Meanwhile i was Mr negative, complaining about this and that and not really enjoying myself at all (not all the time of course). So when we got back on the 9th of January, and she was feeling very sad about leaving all her friends behind, just by chance i got a cold and my nose was running like a tap, so she was left to do all the unpacking. When she finished, on the 11 of Feburary, she told me it's over and has held absolute to that position since.

So there you have it, the whole story.

 

[Sirk]

I read it and the whole thing comes down to....a truckload of unprocessed pain.

 

[mystikmind]

yes well that is rite, i should mention all the specific reasons she gave me so far for the divorce....