Need advice concerning a friend

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flight316

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About 10 yrs. ago I met this young lady. She was 20 yrs old at that time and I was 39. We met at work at the time she was into a lot of sexual behvior . She took a likeing to me as a friend. She would listen to me when I would minister to her. I led her to Christ and she accepted Him into her life. She changed a lot and stopped the sexual behvior. I was very proud of her. Over the last ten years we've talked about the Lord a lot. Here lately her conversation has changed she's started back with some of her sexual behaviors again. We've been down this road several times before in the past. We've always been able to talk about any thing . I must admit I'm disappointed in her. I don't feel like I need to explain to her about what she's doing because we've been over that thoroughly. I don't call her any more because I don't like hearing about her escapades, I veiw her like a daughter. I don't know, but I really don't like talking to her right now. I've never been through this before. Two things, I don't want to tell her what to talk to me about and I still want her to be open and honest with me . Weve developed a special relationship over the years and I'm trying not to lose respect for her. So I'm asking for some advice with this stuation.
 
My general rule of thumb is that God commanded me to love everyone. We all go through struggles, and some of us the same struggle comes back again; In the end, I figure that if God has allowed me to develop a close friendship with someone, then it is my responsibility to always be there for him/her. I will make it clear that I don't support what they're doing, that it's sin or just generally unwise, but it won't stop or interfere my interactions with them.

God is there through thick and thin. It's when we aren't strong enough that He carries us, and as I seek to be more like God through true, deep love I also seek to be with my friends through thick and thin; whether I know their bad choices have resulted in their current state or not.

Don't give up on her!
 
My first question would be why a woman would be sharing something that personal with a male friend. What is her purpose for doing that? Is she trying to tempt or test you? While I don't think I would unfriend her, I don't see that it would be wrong to let her know that it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe she wants to know whether you practice what you preach..
 
Sometimes close friendships just form between opposite sexes and you can talk about anything. I know I have a close female friend and we have talks about similar topics at times and neither of us are ever tempted by the other...

As far as flight's situation it sounds like she might not really want to change. I mean she can put it off, but its always in the back of her mind as something she enjoys doing.
 
I've got a couple of concerns with the scenario you laid out and Jullianna already brought up one of them. I really can't think of a scenario where I would sit around and listen to a woman half my age talking about her sexual exploits, even among men at work I make it known that I don't want to hear about those things. I will echo Jullianna's concern that there is a reason that she chooses to do this with you and I can see only two possibilities; either she is "testing" you, or she is intentionally steering the conversation there (possibly subconsciously) because she is trying to add you to that list of exploits.

My next concern is that she supposedly has come to the Lord at some time and has returned to the lifestyle of sin. From the way that I am understanding what you said, this isn't a scenario of her struggling with sin and failing, but blatantly engaging in it and feeling no conviction for it. If this is the case, I have to disagree with Jullianna (there's a first) and Lightning and say cut her off based on 1st Corinthians 5:9-11.

9 I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister[c] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.
12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”[d]

Even if it is the case that she is not in blatant unrepentant sin, but is struggling with it I would say you need to connect her with a christian sister to work with her in this area. I'm just seeing red flags flying all over the place and I can't in good conscience recommend a man to continue in a mentoring role with a young woman in this way. I'm not saying you can't be friendly towards her, I just have grave concerns about where she may be trying to lead you in this close mentoring relationship.
 
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I agree completely with Oncefallen. And I don't think it's unloving to separate yourself from a friend. The Lord sometimes puts people in our lives for a season. Sometimes the best way to show someone how much you love them is to put space between the two of you. The negative feelings you have for her and her going back and forth will only grow stronger and hurt the relationship (if she continues this cycle).

Pray for her and maybe the Lord will use you in her life in the future or vice versa. Do as the Lord leads, always.
 
keep_on_smiling said:
I agree completely with Oncefallen. And I don't think it's unloving to separate yourself from a friend. The Lord sometimes puts people in our lives for a season. Sometimes the best way to show someone how much you love them is to put space between the two of you. The negative feelings you have for her and her going back and forth will only grow stronger and hurt the relationship (if she continues this cycle).

Pray for her and maybe the Lord will use you in her life in the future or vice versa. Do as the Lord leads, always.
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Yes, I think, for now some space is good. I also think that we may have a seasonal relationship. You know its funny, since I surrendered to Christ I seem to lose friends all the time.
 
OnceFallen, you make some very good points, not struggling, blatently sinning with no conviction. Thanks
 
Well friends, thanks for the great advice. I don't know if this is wrong or not, but I try to associate with people who are like minded when it comes to Christ ( sit not in the council of the ungodly ). On the other hand I do spend time ministering to others.
 
My last post got cut short because the phone rang and I had to take off to work for a bit, so I'll try to explain better now.

Among those who are unsaved it is not at all uncommon for men to brag among themselves about their sexual exploits and I'm assuming that women do too (maybe not bragging, but talking about). However in my experience when a person talks about their sexual experiences consistently with someone of the other gender, they are "fishing" for something more than a conversation.

From what was said in the OP, you've been maintaining a mentoring role with this woman for 10 years now. Although I can't point to any specific scripture that would prohibit cross gender mentoring, I really see it as a bad idea especially in a long term scenario which is why I recommended you get this young lady connected with another lady who can mentor her. Most pastors and christian counselors do not do cross gender mentoring/counseling especially not for the long term because of the inherent risk of falling into temptation, and in your scenario I see the risk as being considerably higher since she is injecting the sex topic into conversation. I'm not implying that you would go there, but why risk it? Those men that I've known that have fallen into sexual sin have admitted after the fact that they "thought" they were strong enough to resist the temptation.
 
I kinda had this scripture in mind:

Matthew 18:15-17 -
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."

That's what I meant by telling her that you are uncomfortable with her behavior and your discussions. In my mind her reaction would govern whether or not I would be able to continue to be friends with her, so Oncefallen and I don't actually disagree. :) If she is enjoying what she does and not only wants to continue living like that, but wants to drag you into it as well, you must absolutely run, as Joseph did.

I have had friends who were just waiting to see if I practiced what I preached and wanted to see if I would call them on certain things. Some were restored to the faith in this way. BUT, you can't jeopardize your walk if being around her is a temptation for you, especially if that is her plan.

I thank you for putting this here, both you AND Oncefallen. You couldn't know it, but this is a confirmation of sorts from the Lord to me about some things. For the past week or so I have been struggling with removing a couple of people from my life for different reasons, but who are talking the talk, but not walking the walk, and it has been very hurtful to experience. I can see that I may be a bit TOO forgiving at times. :) I need to toughen up a bit. :)
 
As a Brit perhaps Im missing sone of these points...when people talk about the 'unsaved' who are they?
I hate to break it to you guys, but if you read scripture, even Sodon and Gomorrah are rebuilt...restoration....forgiveness....HOPE...look them up. Excuse my spelling. Phone keypad. One annoyed Franciscan.
 
Thanks for clarifying Jullianna. This was the first time I had ever read a post of yours that made me do a double take. I was pretty sure we had to be looking at it from different perspectives.
 
Julianna and OnceFallen, very good insight, thanks. I never considered cross gender mentoring might end up being a problem. Thinking back, several years ago I did fall from grace with a female christian friend. It sort of just happened, and it ruined our relationship.
 
flight:

We've all made mistakes in our walk, some of them have been doozies :) The important thing is to make it right with God and whoever else might be involved if at all possible.

It's good to have you here too!

Oncefallen: I was at work and gave the short answer. I should know better :)​
 
I know a few good lawyers ;) (yeah, yeah, yeah...I know...oxymoron :D)
 
As believers we have to protect ourselves from situations that ...at first are innocent, but could lead to something that is not. I personally do not think a young lady should recieve counsel from a man no matter what age precisely because it can lead to problems. At this point, I would turn her over to an older woman who is full of the Holy Spirit and wisdom. She will get much better help and without all the difficulties. Women know women, by the way and all that "sex talk"will be lost on an older woman who knows better!
 
Lord, please forgive me for being all too quick to condemn this woman, but fail to pray for her. We pray that You will deal with her heart, set her free and draw her back to You. We pray that You will protect flight and give him wisdom.

We are all dealing with something in our lives. Purify us and draw us closer to You as well.

In Jesus Name I ask....
 
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