It can be incredibly difficult to see this type of work as the actually problem. But it can be. The work you do with special needs takes a very unique type of person. It's not something just anyone can do.
Having said that, it's also something that can become an idol if our focus can start to shift more towards that than the Lord. Which can happen? I served in a ministry up in the mountains for a few years and it would go from being the most rewarding experience to the most difficult.. then back to rewarding again.
All of our staff would struggle with this from time to time. Putting the ministry above the Lord. Getting our joy, peace... basically our satisfaction from a different source other than the Lord. That's idolatry, it's temporal, and it leads to upsetting the Lord. He'll do what it takes to get your focus back on Him because He knows where the eternal bread and water comes from. Him, and Him alone
Often He'll cause us to take time away from whatever it is we're focused on, in order to get our focus back on Him. It won't seem that way at first, but that's precisely the point. We don't even realize we're committing idolatry until the consequences hit us.
Your suffering these things because of the lack of the fruit of the Spirit. Like darkness existing because a lack of light. (Not saying your dark.. it's just an example). Here are some tough questions to ask ourselves when starting to feel this way...
Do my prayers focus more on gratitude for my salvation or for the ministry God has given me?
If I had to choose between a closer walk with Jesus or a more "effective ministry," which would I prefer?
If my ministry were suddenly taken away, would I still be able to rejoice?
Do I seek God only for what He can give me through ministry, or do I also seek Him for who He is?
Key principles for addressing this issue:
Re-center on the gospel: The foundation of a Christian's joy should be their salvation through Jesus Christ and His work on the cross, not the results of their ministry.
Avoid idolatry: Recognizing that any person or thing that replaces God as the central figure in your life is a form of idolatry is crucial.
Prioritize God's will: Strive to follow Jesus' example of total submission to God's will, which means putting God first in all aspects of life.
Keep perspective: Understand that true service comes from a place of love for God and others, and that your ministry should be an outflow of that love, not the source of it.
I hope this is taken in kind. I only share this because I've suffered through something similar and couldn't for the life of me figure out why and how I could feel this bad doing something I loved so much
Good bless
