J
Jordache
Guest
I know that God is good, and that he's working out His plan in my life. This holiday weekend was rough though. This will be the first holiday season in my entire life that I cannot go home at all. I haven't broken it to anyone yet, but you bet it will be dramatic and I'll get a guilt trip from someone.
I don't do so well when my routine is broken. I know this, and you'd think I would prepare for it; but alas, I don't. For routine I get up each morning, get ready, have a quickie devo and then walk 5 miles to work. Somewhere in the middle I stop for coffee and I do a little more devo time usually. My whole walk is a purging time. Half the time I'm walking down the street with tears streaming down my face. Usually, by the time I make it to work I'm able to function. However, when my routine is interrupted (by rain-- and I can't walk, by illness--I need to sleep in, by vacation--where my focus becomes catching up on sleep or catching up with family and friends) I fall off the deep end. It's scary. I think I'm hormonally out of whack also, which doesn't help anything. I have not felt as bad as I did Wednesday night in a long time. I was completely out of sorts and it only got worse as the days progressed. I began purging (as in eating disorder purging) multiple times per day partly because I was anxious about not walking 5 miles to work everyday, and eating more though I didn't eat much because I got sick everytime I tried.
I spent Thanksgiving night with a friend. The evening went well. There were lots of people there and I was actually social which can be a challenged for me in times of serious stress. Though this was the home of one of my best friends so she knew she had to reach out a bit so that I could meet her somewhere in the middle. Then Friday I was miserable. Since my husband has started talking to me again it has been a roller coaster. One week he's as happy as a clam because I visited him. The next he wants to kill himself because I told him he had to find another place to live until he could prove to me that he was going to follow through. The next week he's giddy again. Then he gets mad at me for even suggesting that I may not be able to make it to see him one of the 2 days I had planned to see him because I might have a committment that can't be rescheduled. He hung up on me four days in a row and it was like a slap in the face every time. I almost didn't see him at all because I didn't know how he'd be in person, but I was convinced by my father-in-law to have grace...though I still wasn't so sure if this was a time that it required grace. The meeting went well. But again he's pressuring me to come back home. And he can't. I know that his reactions are his choices and have nothing to do with my actions. I do understand that, and I'm not backing down from telling him the truth and setting those boundaries with him, but I do not look forward to having to repeat myself over and over again and throw my hands up to block his reactions. Regardless of them being his reactions, they still hurt.
I fill like I'm back into a corner with my hands in front of my face about to be clobbered.
I love my husband, but he's driving me up a wall and I don't know what to do with him. I want to talk to him, but I feel like it's just hurting me much of the time. I want to visit him, but I'm always wondering when he's going snap and attack. My love language is physical touch and acts of service. I feel like I should be on the other side of the room from him when we meet, but I can't bring myself to do that.
I can't see up from down. I don't know the future of my marriage. I don't know how long I can last when I'm always having to be defensive and be the strong one. I feel like I'm not allowed to have a bad day because he cannot support me at all, and if he tries, then he ignores taking care of himself. I feel like I've got nothing backing me, and I'm just holding up myself. I know it's not true. I also know it's the tip of the iceberg.
One grand revelation that I did find this weekend was regarding that tip of the iceberg concept. Often I find myself doing very simple clumsy things and completely flying off the handle. In my mind I always hear " Why does this always happen to me?" Now this is over stupid things like dropping my brush when I tried to put it in the drawer. I've always wondered why it was such a strong reaction to such a petty mistake. However, because I was purging, I began thiking about the concept of purging. And out of that coming when I dropped my brush on the floor, I laid on my living room floor and sobbed over one very simple thing. I feel like I have the weight of caring for myself by myself, and trying to stand under the manipulations of my husband on my shoulders. It's not that I feel like I have to fix him, or even that I can, but it's just the knowing.
I don't do so well when my routine is broken. I know this, and you'd think I would prepare for it; but alas, I don't. For routine I get up each morning, get ready, have a quickie devo and then walk 5 miles to work. Somewhere in the middle I stop for coffee and I do a little more devo time usually. My whole walk is a purging time. Half the time I'm walking down the street with tears streaming down my face. Usually, by the time I make it to work I'm able to function. However, when my routine is interrupted (by rain-- and I can't walk, by illness--I need to sleep in, by vacation--where my focus becomes catching up on sleep or catching up with family and friends) I fall off the deep end. It's scary. I think I'm hormonally out of whack also, which doesn't help anything. I have not felt as bad as I did Wednesday night in a long time. I was completely out of sorts and it only got worse as the days progressed. I began purging (as in eating disorder purging) multiple times per day partly because I was anxious about not walking 5 miles to work everyday, and eating more though I didn't eat much because I got sick everytime I tried.
I spent Thanksgiving night with a friend. The evening went well. There were lots of people there and I was actually social which can be a challenged for me in times of serious stress. Though this was the home of one of my best friends so she knew she had to reach out a bit so that I could meet her somewhere in the middle. Then Friday I was miserable. Since my husband has started talking to me again it has been a roller coaster. One week he's as happy as a clam because I visited him. The next he wants to kill himself because I told him he had to find another place to live until he could prove to me that he was going to follow through. The next week he's giddy again. Then he gets mad at me for even suggesting that I may not be able to make it to see him one of the 2 days I had planned to see him because I might have a committment that can't be rescheduled. He hung up on me four days in a row and it was like a slap in the face every time. I almost didn't see him at all because I didn't know how he'd be in person, but I was convinced by my father-in-law to have grace...though I still wasn't so sure if this was a time that it required grace. The meeting went well. But again he's pressuring me to come back home. And he can't. I know that his reactions are his choices and have nothing to do with my actions. I do understand that, and I'm not backing down from telling him the truth and setting those boundaries with him, but I do not look forward to having to repeat myself over and over again and throw my hands up to block his reactions. Regardless of them being his reactions, they still hurt.
I fill like I'm back into a corner with my hands in front of my face about to be clobbered.
I love my husband, but he's driving me up a wall and I don't know what to do with him. I want to talk to him, but I feel like it's just hurting me much of the time. I want to visit him, but I'm always wondering when he's going snap and attack. My love language is physical touch and acts of service. I feel like I should be on the other side of the room from him when we meet, but I can't bring myself to do that.
I can't see up from down. I don't know the future of my marriage. I don't know how long I can last when I'm always having to be defensive and be the strong one. I feel like I'm not allowed to have a bad day because he cannot support me at all, and if he tries, then he ignores taking care of himself. I feel like I've got nothing backing me, and I'm just holding up myself. I know it's not true. I also know it's the tip of the iceberg.
One grand revelation that I did find this weekend was regarding that tip of the iceberg concept. Often I find myself doing very simple clumsy things and completely flying off the handle. In my mind I always hear " Why does this always happen to me?" Now this is over stupid things like dropping my brush when I tried to put it in the drawer. I've always wondered why it was such a strong reaction to such a petty mistake. However, because I was purging, I began thiking about the concept of purging. And out of that coming when I dropped my brush on the floor, I laid on my living room floor and sobbed over one very simple thing. I feel like I have the weight of caring for myself by myself, and trying to stand under the manipulations of my husband on my shoulders. It's not that I feel like I have to fix him, or even that I can, but it's just the knowing.
