M
MissCris
Guest
There were warning signs. Of course there were. His temper- he often threw things, or blamed me for things I'd had no part in, belittled me, hid things, purposely embarrassed me in public, isolated me.
I knew, but didn't...care? I'm not sure now why I married him, knowing what I did.
It was a marriage full of verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation, lies...he flirted with other women in front of me. He went out to bars and parties with them. He went away for work each week and left me with no car and no money. He compared me to other women, wanting me to change my appearance to suit his whims. He threw things at me sometimes, blew our money so we could barely eat, let alone pay rent or other bills. He shared a hotel room with a female coworker and thought I should be ok with that. He kissed a hooker once.
I cheated on him. There is no justification for it. I was hurting and angry and desperate for love and kindness, but I was wrong.
I left several times. I kept going back because...what else was I going to do? Better the hell I knew than an uncertain future.
I told him about my affair, and he took me back. I was...grateful. For a while, things seemed better; I re-dedicated my life to Christ shortly before finding out I was pregnant with our son. We moved closer to family, had our baby, started a garden. I was learning to love him again.
And then...in the midst of this spark of hope, I found out I was pregnant again. I wasn't ready. I became angry and bitter, and my husband resumed his old behavior. I was trapped. By the time I had my little girl, things were as bad as ever- only worse, because now we had kids. He would come home from work full of criticism and insults and demands, never noticing that I was barely keeping it together, what with trying to care for two babies, the house, him, the yard, the bills, the stupid cats...he just kept asking for more, and I cracked; I stopped doing anything but taking care of the kids, and working in the yard planting flowers and painting wagon wheels.
He thought the flowers were a waste of time and he thought my wagon wheels were stupid.
His mother lived with us for about a month in the fall- on top of everything else, I was being constantly criticized by her about the kids.
I had been coming here to CC for several months by then, and honestly, this place was the only thing that helped me maintain any sanity. I had good friends here. The people here made me feel like I was worth something, and because they treated me that way, I started to believe that maybe I did have value, more than my husband or even my family ever thought I did.
I realized that there are good men out there who don't act like my husband.
I realized that my kids were going to end up like him, or me, and I couldn't let that happen.
When my biological father died right before Thanksgiving last year, something in me...snapped. I was done when my husband yelled at me on the day of my dad's death, over a turkey fryer.
A. Turkey. Fryer.
I made plans to leave, but I had to wait. Christmas was coming...I had nowhere to go...
But I made it. I got out.
Nothing about life since then has been easy. Every decision has been hard and scary. There's been a lot of pain. I've lost every single person I could lean on. My family has basically abandoned me because they want me to fix my marriage. The only girl friend I had has distanced herself from me. My best friend...the most amazing and wonderful person I know...I pushed him away and I don't know if there's any going back at this point.
I have no choice but to rely on The Lord.
I've never stood on my own two feet before; I either leaned on those around me, or laid down and waited to be rescued.
I am not a little girl anymore. I am a grown woman, a mother, a daughter of the Most High. I'll not hide away, or crumble under the pressure, or wallow in despair.
I've made bad choices, and I've hurt too many people, and I've ruined the good things in my life because I was clinging to my pain.
I'm done. I'm letting it go, and I am moving forward, and I am once again giving my life to Christ.
Lord, I am Yours. Take my hand and show me the way...Your way.
(Yes, I'm really going now. For a while.)
I knew, but didn't...care? I'm not sure now why I married him, knowing what I did.
It was a marriage full of verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation, lies...he flirted with other women in front of me. He went out to bars and parties with them. He went away for work each week and left me with no car and no money. He compared me to other women, wanting me to change my appearance to suit his whims. He threw things at me sometimes, blew our money so we could barely eat, let alone pay rent or other bills. He shared a hotel room with a female coworker and thought I should be ok with that. He kissed a hooker once.
I cheated on him. There is no justification for it. I was hurting and angry and desperate for love and kindness, but I was wrong.
I left several times. I kept going back because...what else was I going to do? Better the hell I knew than an uncertain future.
I told him about my affair, and he took me back. I was...grateful. For a while, things seemed better; I re-dedicated my life to Christ shortly before finding out I was pregnant with our son. We moved closer to family, had our baby, started a garden. I was learning to love him again.
And then...in the midst of this spark of hope, I found out I was pregnant again. I wasn't ready. I became angry and bitter, and my husband resumed his old behavior. I was trapped. By the time I had my little girl, things were as bad as ever- only worse, because now we had kids. He would come home from work full of criticism and insults and demands, never noticing that I was barely keeping it together, what with trying to care for two babies, the house, him, the yard, the bills, the stupid cats...he just kept asking for more, and I cracked; I stopped doing anything but taking care of the kids, and working in the yard planting flowers and painting wagon wheels.
He thought the flowers were a waste of time and he thought my wagon wheels were stupid.
His mother lived with us for about a month in the fall- on top of everything else, I was being constantly criticized by her about the kids.
I had been coming here to CC for several months by then, and honestly, this place was the only thing that helped me maintain any sanity. I had good friends here. The people here made me feel like I was worth something, and because they treated me that way, I started to believe that maybe I did have value, more than my husband or even my family ever thought I did.
I realized that there are good men out there who don't act like my husband.
I realized that my kids were going to end up like him, or me, and I couldn't let that happen.
When my biological father died right before Thanksgiving last year, something in me...snapped. I was done when my husband yelled at me on the day of my dad's death, over a turkey fryer.
A. Turkey. Fryer.
I made plans to leave, but I had to wait. Christmas was coming...I had nowhere to go...
But I made it. I got out.
Nothing about life since then has been easy. Every decision has been hard and scary. There's been a lot of pain. I've lost every single person I could lean on. My family has basically abandoned me because they want me to fix my marriage. The only girl friend I had has distanced herself from me. My best friend...the most amazing and wonderful person I know...I pushed him away and I don't know if there's any going back at this point.
I have no choice but to rely on The Lord.
I've never stood on my own two feet before; I either leaned on those around me, or laid down and waited to be rescued.
I am not a little girl anymore. I am a grown woman, a mother, a daughter of the Most High. I'll not hide away, or crumble under the pressure, or wallow in despair.
I've made bad choices, and I've hurt too many people, and I've ruined the good things in my life because I was clinging to my pain.
I'm done. I'm letting it go, and I am moving forward, and I am once again giving my life to Christ.
Lord, I am Yours. Take my hand and show me the way...Your way.
(Yes, I'm really going now. For a while.)
