Please offer your opinion of this situation:

[blue_ladybug]

Then say 4 simple words: "I'm sorry I yelled"..

 

[Depleted]

Lynn, you jumped to a conclusion I didn't stop talking and expected him to figure it out telepathically. After he left, and I finished cooking, cleaned up and tended to my burns he came back upstairs and I TALKED and I explained to him that I wasn't yelling because I was mean to him that I was yelling out of pain and frustration --- I TALKED -- or attempted to, I gave him the example of if your lifting something and yell "take it" (see above) but he refuses to talk about it, TALKING REQUIRE 2 people... Also talking will force him to admit he was wrong and apologize which he obviously avoids and is in denial. He refused to talk he refused to see things from my point of view he refused to apologize.... and weeks later if I bring it up and say "you know it was very mean that you didn't help because I yelled out in pain "im not ok" I would never do that" and instead of TALKING about it he says "Dont go there" so unfortunately I CANT TALK IT OUT I have to forget it and pretend it never happened or else he will be in a bad mood again. All I want is to talk it out, and he refuses. That is the whole point that I am expected to brush it under the rug to maintain peace.

Then don't go for the apology.

In such a situation, I would say something like, "I know you don't want to talk about it, and I'm fine with that, but here's what I'm going to say about me. I'm not you. When I get hurt. I yell, scream, and curse up a blue streak. You know this about me. Not like I've hid this from you before. Get near me and you ARE in my crosshairs.

"So, what would I like in the future? Pretty much what I'm getting now. If you don't care that I might need to go to the hospital, and you don't want to get hit with that anger and blue streak then stay out of the room. Avoid me. Is that something you are willing to do for me?"

It's what I want from him. It's how I feel. It has nothing to do with him except that he is going to have to learn this is how I handle pain. If he doesn't like it -- DUCK! And, honestly? DUCK works for me, because I'm embarrassed by my own actions and don't want to have to apologize for something I know I'll do again.

And, yes. That is about how I handle pain. And the only thing hubby wants to know, until I calm down, is if there is anything he can do for me. There isn't -- unless there is a knife sticking out of me, a hole in my skin, my neck is broken, or that big pile of soup on the kitchen floor that I spill has to be cleaned up, and it ain't happening from me for a good 15 minutes, or the soup, the rug, the sponge, the paper towels, the towels, the kitchen sink, and the backdoor WILL be thrown out in the yard too.

And hubby does the opposite. He gets quiet when in pain. But he also doesn't want me hovering over him either. I can get the bandages, the ice, or the car, (because once he really did have to go to the hospital), but do NOT hover. We have accept these things as annoyingly unlike ourselves long ago.

I, for one, am very glad I didn't marry me. I have no idea how he puts up with me. I couldn't. (Try that one on your hubby and see if it doesn't make him grin. lol) He really needs to know he didn't marry someone like him, and that's as often a good thing as it is a bad thing.

 

[Depleted]

Lynn, you jumped to a conclusion I didn't stop talking and expected him to figure it out telepathically. After he left, and I finished cooking, cleaned up and tended to my burns he came back upstairs and I TALKED and I explained to him that I wasn't yelling because I was mean to him that I was yelling out of pain and frustration --- I TALKED -- or attempted to, I gave him the example of if your lifting something and yell "take it" (see above) but he refuses to talk about it, TALKING REQUIRE 2 people... Also talking will force him to admit he was wrong and apologize which he obviously avoids and is in denial. He refused to talk he refused to see things from my point of view he refused to apologize.... and weeks later if I bring it up and say "you know it was very mean that you didn't help because I yelled out in pain "im not ok" I would never do that" and instead of TALKING about it he says "Dont go there" so unfortunately I CANT TALK IT OUT I have to forget it and pretend it never happened or else he will be in a bad mood again. All I want is to talk it out, and he refuses. That is the whole point that I am expected to brush it under the rug to maintain peace.

Other thing.

You finished cooking AND cleaned up? Any chance you live near Philly, because the next time I give up on dinner because something goes terribly wrong, I want to call you. Clean up the same night? WOW! You're hired! lol

 

[Depleted]

Right so that brings me to the most important questions, if I keep choosing to let go, not hash it out, forget it, move on.... THEN: if I continue to brush things under the rug am I hurting myself in the long run? Because the more I brush and move on the more he acts rudely without feeling any guilt or need to apologize.... its like I've let him walk all over me.

​Men aren't usually into hash-it-out. Men want to know "How can I fix this?" And it's very frustrating to them when they can't. And it's doubly frustrating when we yell at them and they can't fix it. (And right during The Game? My! Word!!! lol)

But they're very good at instructions, (as long as they don't have to read the instructions. lol)

So, don't have him hash it out. Tell him what you want and why. If it doesn't work for him, (because really? At the beginning of the Big Game? Not going to happen if at all possible, if he's honest), he'll tell you why it won't work.

And then ask what he thinks will work.

And then decide if you can live with that.

It's often between what I want and what I need. Negotiate is a non-gender-specific spot we can meet.

 

[melita916]

​Men aren't usually into hash-it-out. Men want to know "How can I fix this?" And it's very frustrating to them when they can't. And it's doubly frustrating when we yell at them and they can't fix it. (And right during The Game? My! Word!!! lol)

But they're very good at instructions, (as long as they don't have to read the instructions. lol)

So, don't have him hash it out. Tell him what you want and why. If it doesn't work for him, (because really? At the beginning of the Big Game? Not going to happen if at all possible, if he's honest), he'll tell you why it won't work.

And then ask what he thinks will work.

And then decide if you can live with that.

It's often between what I want and what I need. Negotiate is a non-gender-specific spot we can meet.

bold parts. yes!

 

[oldethennew]

we can never make anyone see things our way unless they Love us more than themselves -
and boy, this can take a while...'if ever'...after a while all of us will catch-on to what the other
will do, how they will react or what they're tolerance level is or how much they have to give...
where they draw their 'line'...

we are each and everyone one of us unique and special in Jesus' eyes, if we love and serve Him...
there are just some lines that we will never cross, when we accept Him as our Boss...

and put our spouses second...as He commands...

 

[NewWine]

Don't brush things under a rug, but don't hang on to them either. Just let it go. You can't change him, so instead of loving him IN SPITE of the things that drive you bananas, try loving him BECAUSE those are part of the man you choose to love for better or worse until death.
You were both wrong. Him for not being patient and kind, getting offended easily and I am sure other things over the course of the past few weeks since this happened....and you for holding a grudge, being easily offended and not being patient and kind to/with him (and I am sure neither of you has upheld every other characteristic of love towards one another)....so if he's wrong so are you....
Peace!!

 

[kaylagrl]

Wait, you hung up? and he was wrong? sorry but if you hang up your the one that needs to apologize for hanging up. And your husband left you a very nice message after you hung up on him, how nice for you!

I hung up because he was upset at me for bringing a problem to him when the game was on. I know its not as big a deal as your situation. I was sharing a story to illustrate a point. Both sides can think they are right and both are waiting for an apology. Im sorry my story wasn't as dramatic as yours.

 

[kaylagrl]

i think what ms kayla is saying is that she can either choose to stay mad or move on after he left her the nice message

correct me if i'm wrong, ms kayla lol

No,you are quite right. But you're always very sensible,you'll do well as a married lady

 

[oldethennew]

always stand Jesus' Ground, you will never go wrong... it's the accepting and obeying
His Words that is our challenge, but all we have to do is remember what HE has done
for us and obey as He has taught us through His Holy Word...

 

[kaylagrl]

always stand Jesus' Ground, you will never go wrong... it's the accepting and obeying
His Words that is our challenge, but all we have to do is remember what HE has done
for us and obey as He has taught us through His Holy Word...

Yes,exactly.My point was that right fighting gets you nowhere fast. We can have hurt feelings but many times we see our side and our own feelings and frustrations and not the other side. And since its not natural to put ourselves in the other persons shoes, its something we have to make ourselves think about. And on top of that personalities are not the same. Men don't look at things the same way men do and that leads to upset and misunderstanding. But if both sides hold on to their guns waiting for an apology nothing will change in fact,it will get worse.

 

[oldethennew]

there's a whole lotta people out there/here, that need to take HEED to young Kayla's post.
yes, men and women are definately different, but it is only a natural thing taught from our Saviour that
we both may learn how to step into each-other's shoes, empathy/appreciation' if our hearts will let us...

 

[Ariel82]

I would ask him the underlying questions that would come to mind if my husband said or did that.

1. Do you really think I deserve to be in pain?
2. Do you love me?
3. If I needed to go to the hospital would you have called or taken me?
4. Are your feelings more important than my physical health or my feelings?

I am not "going there", I am staying right here hurt and wondering if you still love me.

That is how I would be feeling, because I can forgive a lot but if he really thought I deserve to be in pain, then we have bigger issues.

 

[workinprogress]

Thank you Ariel - very good constructive questions!

 

[kaylagrl]

Thank you Ariel - very good constructive questions!

If your husband never empathizes with you and doesn't care if you're hurt and won't help you in an emergency then you need to go to counseling and find out what the issue is. None of us here are marriage counselors. If you're having that much of an issue with him its time to seek help.

 

[melita916]

counseling is a good idea

also, we need to remember we can't change anyone. the Holy Spirit is the only One who can. we don't have to face life's challenges alone

 

[kaylagrl]

I would ask him the underlying questions that would come to mind if my husband said or did that.

1. Do you really think I deserve to be in pain?
2. Do you love me?
3. If I needed to go to the hospital would you have called or taken me?
4. Are your feelings more important than my physical health or my feelings?

I am not "going there", I am staying right here hurt and wondering if you still love me.

That is how I would be feeling, because I can forgive a lot but if he really thought I deserve to be in pain, then we have bigger issues.

The problem is that he says he doesn't want to discuss it.Its in the past and digging it up now when he's sore over it will only make him more stubborn. Its best to wait for the next time to bring it up. But she's saying he doesn't empathize with her so it seems they have deeper issues than just regular communication will help.

 

[workinprogress]

I would like to end this thread and thank everyone for their replies. Bye, be blessed!