Please Please Help Me

[Sugrmagnoliah]

I just recently got out of a 5 month long relationship, which was all emotionally/verbally/physically abusive. A great part of me feels relief for being on my own, whereas a bigger part of me wants this person back!

First, I feel the need to describe this person before anyone forms a judgement. When he was 6 years old, his mother up and walked out on him and his father, along with 3 other siblings & left them to fend for themselves. This left him with abandonment issues. He longed for a family of his own and had a son at a young age of 19. The mother of that son too walked out on him and lied to the courtrooms to see to it that he was not able to see his child. It has been a couple years since he has seen his son, who is to turn 5 this summer.

My heart breaks for the things he has gone through and I am able to see that it is because of these horrible things that have happened.. that he has the issues he does to this day. He was so afraid of losing me (and my son as well), and was so insecure, that he smothered me basically and tried to seclude me from family and friends. In retrospect, alls that did was push me away. I have left on a couple other occasions and he has broken down begging for me back every time. As bad as things got, although it was to his fault, he never gave up on our love.

He is the Christian out of the both of us.. I am struggling to find god-- but open to it.. and I thought maybe I could get help from anyone out there who is a believer. ANY help would mean the world to me. I don't know if I am a young naive woman, or if I can truly change this mans world. In my heart of hearts, I just want to take his pain away and help him get past what has had such a negative influence in his life. I want to make him happy like I feel that he deserves, but can you truly change a person? It's hard to see the good sometimes through the yelling and pushing--- but I know that he's not a bad person! My family and friends don't like him at all, but they don't know the love that we have for one another. We just click. Please Please.. ANYONE out there, give me some sort of advice or lead me in the right direction. I don't know what to do at this point. Take him back, or continue on my own.

​

 

[jaylynn83]

Walk away....... i was in one of these relationships he was exactly like the man you are describing, i felt so bad for him that i continued to stay with him... also because i loved him.. but I thought okay once were married things will get better, he can get help....... yeah... NO...... things got increasingly worse, he became even more physically aggressive, more angry, im telling you, it will only get worse.... he needs help, and until he gets it you and your child need to stay away! What if next time he starts pushin your kid around... dont think it wont happen..... it does... I eventually got a divorce, things got to be very dangerous, and i thought next time he got aggressive with me.. he was gonna kill me. I have been in your same exact situation...i had no friends, wasnt allowed to talk to my family, and once we were married i eventually wasnt allowed to leave the house unless he was me... Please stay away from him. I wish i would have had someone tell me this before i continued to date this man and eventually marry him... it would have saved me alot of heartache....

 

[Sugrmagnoliah]

Thankyou Jaylnn.. I wish that you had someone there to give you advice too. That's my mothers concern too- that he would start to get physical with my son as well but I must say- he's great with him! He plays with him and it makes my heart melt to see them interact. It's just sooo hard. He is more than willing to go to a counselor to get help for his problems, and is about to get his son back in July. I feel like if he did seek help, and when he gets his son back- it would fill a huge void in his life, and he'll somehow have this miraculous turn around. I feel like everything happens for a reason and I was brought into his life to help him get through this. If I could ask your advice again.. what if I gave it some time and waited to see his improvements and then gave him one final chance. Do you think perhaps things could work that way? I keep telling myself that.. But I feel so lost.

 

[carpetmanswife]

my dear he needs serious help , yes hes had an awful time in his life but thats no reason to make ur life hell or ur childs..u say hes the christian in this relationship? ..*shakes head* he REALLY needs to talk to a pastor and get counseling..u CANT change him..only God can . Look out for urself and ur child plz.and God loves you too

 

[grace]

I think there are many that understand your situation all to well. Myself included.

I guess the first thing I want to say to you is....pay attention to the feeling you have now of being away from him. You said you have a GREAT sense of releif. That is a wonderful feeling! Feeling scared, lonely, and pinned down while in a relationship is NOT a good feeling.

The second thing I want to say to you.....is that sooooooo many people (men and women aliike) ignore OBVIOUS red flags that are before them. You are clearly seeing these things...you have expressed yourself very well with the things that you see as unhealthy and wrong about the relationship you had with him....PLEASE do not ignore that.

I too thought that I was the *one* person that my husband could feel the support from since I had insight into his past and present. BUT.....many of us have had rough lives...and many injustices....and it does not give us the right to go around using it as an excuse for a current behavior that most adults clearly know is wrong. I guarantee you that if someone treated him the way that he appeared to have treated you, he would not find it acceptable.

Lastly, if you sit down and make a list of qualities that you would want in a future mate for yourself and an influence on your clhild.....abuse, neglect, and carelessness for your being WOULD NOT be on that list in any fashion. So, do not settle for them.
You are worth way more than that. Your child is worth way more than that.

I truly hope that your former boyfriend can recognize the areas of his life that he needs help and CHOOSES to get that help and live a healthier life.

For yourself, I truly hope that you feel the peace and comfort that only the Lord can provide. I too am a single mother, and a lot of the time I am a VERY exhausted single mother....lol I say that to say, I understand....the idea of someone (sometimes anyone) being there at the end of the day to help fill you back up and support you is a wonderful thought, but it does not sound like the relationship you were in was doing that.

Best to you as you contiue on.

(thanks for shareing your story)

 

[1still_waters]

I think you 'know' the right thing to do. The tough part is getting your emotions and feelings to catch up.

There is no way you can minimalise the emotional, physical and other forms of abuse he has done to you. Please don't allow those feelings you have of wanting to stay in the relationship downplay the emotional and physical harm he has put you in.

Abuse tends to escalate and never gets better. Abuse may escalate to the point your life is in danger. You could end up dead.

Which will feel better? Staying in an abusive relationship and risking your very life or getting out and living free of those fears?

I'm appealing to your feelings, because that's the part of you that probably still needs to come around.

It's not your job to fix this guy. Chances are you won't. It's not worth risking your life and health to attempt trying.

If i see a bomb outside of a shopping center, I don't go and try to defuse it. Why? Because I love seeing bombs go off? No! Because I'm not a bomb expert. You're not a bomb expert and you can't defuse this guy. Trying to fix it, may end up with him exploding on you and causing harm to yourself. Let the experts fix this guy.

I'd suggest turning to God in prayer and asking Him to give you the emotional and mental strength to do the right thing. Find some friends and family to help you too.

 

[Dragoon9]

Hi SugrMagnoliah,

It sounds like you're dealing with several different, but related issues;
1) You have a strong bond with this person
2) You are experiencing abuse in this relationship
3) He has needs around love
4) You desire to know God

-----
My suggestion would be to separate (but gently... with love), and to each go and make yourselves right before God. After you have let God begin the healing process, if He guides you to re-establish your relationship, then you can do it joyfully. I say this because;

1) We are all products of a fallen world, but if we call ourselves Christian, then we are to turn away from the filth that the world has built around us and to follow God completely. The things that your boyfriend is doing should not come from one who bears Christ's name (James 3). The one who can fix him is not you, but the Holy Spirit. Instead of a relationship relying on you, he should build a stronger relationship with his 'first love'... God.

2) You sound like a very caring person, and God has already laid it on your heart to know Him. Know then that God does not want us to be joined with those who do not believe (2Corinthians 6:14). If you want to truly be united with your boyfriend, then seek God first, so that when you are with him you can both do so in obedience to God, and not in defiance of Him.

...seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33)

I've often found that when we sacrifice ourselves and obey God fully... in the end, he rewards us with what we gave up, but even more richly. Let him know your feelings and love towards him. Let him know that you desire to be with him. But let him know that this can only be done when you are both whole, and both in obedience to God.

May God bless you both richly. May He guide you and bless you, and cause His face to shine upon you, for the sake of His Son, Jesus Christ.

 

[mcap]

First I would like to say I am sorry for everything you have ben thru.Noone should have to go thru those things.Next I would like to tell you that my sister went thru similar trials with a boy in high school.No matter what he did,because she thought she could do no better she stayed with him.One night he scared her so much she called me and I almost broke his legs.
I feel like if you stay with this man you may be putting your life and maybe someone else's in danger.There are signs that he has serious anger issues and without intervention he will not change.Give him an ultimatum;either get help and learn to live with his past or you are history.
I also noted that you are not religious.I believe if you began talking with God,ask him for guidance and strength,that you may find a strength you didn't know you had.I will be praying for you and your family.

God Bless

 

[jaylynn83]

Thankyou Jaylnn.. I wish that you had someone there to give you advice too. That's my mothers concern too- that he would start to get physical with my son as well but I must say- he's great with him! He plays with him and it makes my heart melt to see them interact. It's just sooo hard. He is more than willing to go to a counselor to get help for his problems, and is about to get his son back in July. I feel like if he did seek help, and when he gets his son back- it would fill a huge void in his life, and he'll somehow have this miraculous turn around. I feel like everything happens for a reason and I was brought into his life to help him get through this. If I could ask your advice again.. what if I gave it some time and waited to see his improvements and then gave him one final chance. Do you think perhaps things could work that way? I keep telling myself that.. But I feel so lost.

Well could you honestly give it time without really being involved with him to see his improvments??? Becuase knowing that you are in love with him that is going to cloud your judgment alot, so are you really gonna be able to stand back and just see if he does improve??... I know how hard this must be for you... and im sorry you have to go through it..... Knowing what i know now about how these situations work..... i would let him go, i know you probably couldnt dream that he would ever hurt your son... but i promise you, it starts with just a push here or a shove there towards you, the longer you continue in this relationship with him, the worse the violence will escalate, especially if he doesnt get help....... my honest advice to you... is walk away now....... thats great he is wiling to get counseling and he should definantly do it, but are you gonna let him continue to abuse you while he is going through his counseling... when are you going to put your foot down and say enough is enough i will not tolerate this! You have a son..... do you want your son to see this and think its acceptable behavior?? Pray... really really pray about this.... If you need to talk, you can always message me to......

 

[mcap]

I also wanted to add that maybe you should tell him to get counseling. Don't go to a regular one though, I know it might be hard, but find a Christian counselor. One that doesn't have that background will just want to put him on meds, a Christian counselor will get to the root of the problem and then he will be able to start his healing process. If you truly love him, just be there for him and let him know you will be by his side through the process. And maybe along the way you will find what you've been searching for as well.

God bless.

 

[SlimT]

Hi I think you should first off give your life to God. Ask God to help you get over your feelings with this guy so you won't keep going back. Encourage him to give up those things in his past to God. Only God can heal him from those issues. If he is still holding in what his Mother did to them then he need to forgive and move on.

 

[Sugrmagnoliah]

EVERYONE--- Thankyou SO much for taking the time to reply to me. You couldn't even begin to know how much I appreciate it. I'd respond to each of your threads personally but I have my son running around the office like a little one-man wrecking crew! I know that i'm not the only case out there like this and so, it truly helps to hear your first hand stories and opinions. As hard as it is, I'm going to keep away from him for now.. But I still believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe somewhere along the road, our paths will meet again and all will be right. (Yes, I'm a little skeptical even as I write that!). Well, I will be back on here later this evening. Time to whip up some eggs for the little man. I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend (it's rainy here!..) !!

GOD BLESS

 

[missy2shoes]

Take care

 

[NoahsMom]

As much as we want a person to change, or thinkin the more we love them, the better they become, sometimes, this is not the case. Im no Dr. Phil, but before you totally commit yourself to what you have just described, you need to ask yourself if you can love this person exactly as they are flaws and all, cause it may never get better. ( not tryin to rain on the parade, just sayin some folks never change). A warning flag too ...when someone tries to keep you away from family, and theres no good reasonable explanation for it, and it better be a durn good one if its my family, thats just not healthy. Plus, you have your son to consider, who looks up to mom to make the right choices, if you havent prayed before, i suggest you give it a try, you may be surprised, Blessings to you and your son.......NM.

 

[chrisbk]

I think you need to think about what your son is going thru.He is seeing all the abuse and if you stay with this person,he will grow up thinking this is how it's supposed to be.Do you want your child damaged for a person you can't fix?He needs to get himself fixed before he can be the man you and your child need.You can be separate from him but still be a friend,just make sure he knows your boundaries,and if he won't respect you or your boundaries,then you need to cut it off.I know this might sound kindof harsh,but you have a child who depends on you for everything from just being there to being a healthy rolemodel for his life.god bless you and your son.

 

[Jenesis]

I left a relationship just like yours except there were no kids involved thankfully. I fell pregnant to him but miscarried and I think that was kindness shown on God's part because I am glad that child is safe with Jesus and not with a physically abusive man who is obviously so demonically oppressed you can't find the man you fell in love with under all that evil. My exes father physically abused his mother and when he turned 17 his mother left him to fend for himself to go "find herself". I can see where his issues stem from but they are never an excuse because they know what they are doing is wrong. They don't live in bomb shelters hidden away from the laws of the world. we all know violence is wrong so it doesn't matter that either of our exes were born around this kind of behaviour. for example my ex would get very mad at me if I told anyone anything and then he's emotionally blackmail me by ignoring me and refusing to speak to me and he was the one that did it to ME. Even though you aren't a believer, God does not like women being belted around and abused and nobody deserves to feel unsafe around someone that is supposed to love them. It took so much strength to leave that relationship which I endured for a year. I was the 'Christian' out of both of us (I called myself a Christian but until around a month ago, was not living a Christian life therefore I don't believe you can rightfully call yourself a Christian if you aren't behaving in a way that would please God), in fact he hates God and so did the demons living with him which is why I think he told me he wanted to kill me several times and would literally growl and snarl at me. I'm dead set serious! I left and it was hard because I was still under the oppressive thought train that everything was my fault. I was faithful to him and I was so in love with him I couldn't see straight. But anyways you get the picture. I would leave him... rarely do abusive relationships get better and the only way he could get better is through God's help. If he prayed and meant it with all his heart then God would help him and provide deliverance. At the moment he doesn't sound like a Christian and he would have a vast amount of demonic influence around him. There are actual specific demons targeted at domestic violence so he would do good to see a pastor. And as for you if you earnestly seek God then you will find him. He says this himself. The key is to never stop praying. Pray everyday. And don't stop until you find him. I really hope you keep strong in your search for God because it will be the best decision you could ever make.

 

[Hummingbird61]

LEAVE! NOW! You have more than just yourself to think about. Every decision you make affects that little one in your life. Get your life in line with God's word, stand in the gap and pray for your friend and stand firm in your faith. If you don't have any, then get some (faith comes by hearing and hearing by the "Word of God" - study God's Word). He does care about both of you, but He put certain rules into place for your protection. If you think about it, everything God provided for our good, the devil has twisted for evil. Make sure there is nothing in your life hindering your prayers. When you have done everything to stand, then stand in Jesus and expect a miracle. Only God can touch your friends heart and it sounds like he needs a new heart and lots of healing. You know, God still performs miracles - the greatest being the transformation of one's life. Take it from one who knows (and has seen).

 

[seoulsearch]

I know everyone else is telling you this, so I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but please get away from this guy as soon as possible and stay away from him. Yes, God can do miracles, but most people take years to change (it took years for me to change in order to see that I couldn't save anyone and I'm still learning!)

I know all about feeling compassion for a guy because of what he's been through. I could go on and on about:

--the ex-husband who had long, jagged scars across his back (from a belt buckle, courtesy of his religiously fanatical mother who said he must be punished for his sins starting in his early childhood--he remembered his first serious beating occurring around age 5) and his sister who had marks on her forehead from an iron

--the boyfriend with two little boys (their mother had had a seizure and drowned while giving one of them a bath while he was at work--but she had been refusing to take her medication--and he came home and found her)

--the guy I was interested in who had one step parent beating him bloody during the week as a child and then the other raping him repeatedly on the weekend visitations

And this is just a partial (very incomplete) list of things they'd been through.

Being from a very loving, Christian home (and adopted at that), I felt it was my Christian duty to try to "help" these guys.

BIG MISTAKE!!!

And they will tell you, "Everyone leaves me, will you leave me too?"

YES, if they haven't allowed GOD to change them first.

And then they will say, "BUT surely it isn't God's will that I be here all by myself, after all, God said it wasn't good for the man to be alone."

YES, it CAN be good for them to be alone so that they don't seriously harm anyone else while they are in the process of being changed.

PLEASE get out with your safety and your sanity while you still have it, especially for your son's sake.

 

[loveschild]

You can't fix what you didn't break. Only God is the fixer. Wonder why you don't want someone who is the greatest to you. God bless love

 

[Geo_Rivero]

My Friend, if you love him, leave him. He has to deal with these issue before he can become the head of a household. I agree that a bad childhood can very much affect someone but we decide how we will deal with it. MAny of us come from terrible childhoods and some of us have chosen to learn and live, others just to live with it. He has to learn from it first and you arent the person to teach him. But this is your decision and you will choose. If you dont leave you should let him know your issues with him. You should also require him to recieve counseling since he is Christian preferably from a Christian counselor. I will pray for you and I hope that things change and turn out beautifully or that you have the strength to do what is needed.