Even though I've grown up in the Church and have said some form of Sinners prayer, more times then I can tell you. I'm probably not going to be in heaven. I just don't feel that God is answering my prayers. If He's not answering my other prayers then why should I trust that He answered that one? I feel like I've been abandoned by God. I know you could point me some scriptures and say "see here" and try to reason with me. But I just feel like there is something messed up. Something that is so deeply messed up that I may not be able to have the right kind of faith, or the right kind of Love for Jesus that I need to be a Christian. I know you looking for clues in my writing. But know this, no matter how well I try to write in a blog, or in any message. I can not cover all the details you need to read. My brain will not output enough information. Sometimes conversation helps, because in conversation, there is back and forth.
I try to get in the word the best I can. I try to pray the best I can. But nothing works for me. That is why I think I was maybe made for Hell. Lately I've been feeling like I've been gradually loosing my belief. Not the belief in Jesus being a real person that came and died and rose again. But loosing my belief in my own salvation.
You definitely appear to be in a spiritual desert.
I've been there before. And not just for a short time. I'd highly recommend reading, studying, and praying on the prodigal son parable.
But before such a time as the Holy Spirit opens up your heart and mind, cling to the Gospel. In essence, clinging to Jesus. The Gospel is a person, not a formula.
It contains mandatory, essential elements that all revolve around Jesus.
He is God come in the flesh, with the express mission of enabling YOU to be with HIM in Heaven, for eternity,
He did this by taking YOUR place in death, to pay YOUR sin debt. (Confess all this with your mouth)
He rose from the grave to prove that YOU WILL BE TOO! (Believe this in your heart)
If you have done this, FANTASTIC! YOU are a born again child of God!
You ONLY need to be born again once. You can remember, and cling to, this Gospel Truth as much as you need, but you don't need to make sure it "took".
Your adversary the devil HATES you, and he also does not want you to become an effectual Christian that will bring others to Christ.
So he will torture you, realizing that YOU haven't yet realized that you are God's child. He will remind you constantly of your past, as well as constantly tempt you. He gets a sick joy watching you believe you are powerless against him. He will beat you like a drum, saying things like, " Haha! You call yourself a Christian!? You are a fraud, and are joining me in hell!".
He is a liar, and the father of lies.
IF, you were lost, he wouldn't bother with you at all. Why would he? The very fact that he attacks you, proves that you are not his.
Holy Father, reveal to Your child who he is in Your Son, Jesus the Christ. Show him the power he has with Your indwelling Spirit to resist the devil and his temptations. Make him an effectual Christian, that will not be ashamed of the Gospel, or to share it with all.
In Jesus Name I pray.