Projecting the people we want to meet onto the people we do.

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Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
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Picture this, You are a Mermaid (or a merman) who spotted a handsome prince (case 2, Princess) but, in order to get closer to them you must lose your voice for 24 hours in the hopes that he (or she) kisses you.
(this whole gender flipped 'The Little Merman" plot is starting to scare me)

Lucky for you, your Royal pursuit is the worlds largest projector. You are a fish but, thats not what they see, they see whatever they wish you could become. (Lucky for them you want to be Land Royalty too) So you go along for the ride but, is that how it usually goes?


So, in this I suppose I am both the victim as well as the instigator. I've pretended that women were deeper than they are, gave them clues and mysteries to solve, in hopes that they would get to know me better but, really they were just girls and I was just a shiny new guy. Not every woman is curious or deep but, sometimes I like to try and drag them into it.

I had a girl buy me a cowboy hat and some tight jeans. She tried to teach me how to line dance for a couple of weeks before she gave up on her home-made Lone Ranger project. She would take me out to the lake with her friends dogs and we would drink cheap beer and plink at things with her 22. It was fun but, at the end of the day it wasn't me. I was pushing for her to get a passport so that we could travel to Mexico together and eat great food at a romantic mission on the beach with a mariachi band but, that wasn't her either.

So what do you people project onto the guys/girls that you are interested in?
 
I love your stories Liamson!

I don't think I project traits or characteristics on others. I tyopically see them for who they are. Even if there is something I like about them when first meeting them I don't try to mold them into what I want.

This is a good thread Liamson. When it comes to relationships, we need to think about what we want and need of course with direction from God. And we need to not accept somebody into our lives who is not that. You can't make someone be who they are not. Even if they try it and like it a bit, it doesn't mean they are gonna change from hippie to a socialite just cause thats who you want. If you want a socialite get one instead of trying to convince Star Gazer that she would look great in Jimmy Choo's.

I think its part of maturing to recognize those things that we have the ability to change and the things that we dont.
 
When I meet someone I like, there's usually something unique about them that piques my interest, though there are certain commonalities like humor, intelligence, curiosity, and their stand regarding matters of faith. I would hate to think that I was forcing them to become something they were not because I sure don't like it when someone does that to me.

While there are certain behaviors that can sometimes be modified for the better in our lives once someone we love points them out to us, seems like our personalities and likes/dislikes would be a little harder. It also seems like when we try to mold someone into the person we want to be with we would be selling them and ourselves short because somewhere out there is a better match for both. That's the person I want to be with.

P.S. - I truly cannot imagine Liamson in the Urban Cowboy role haha Please tell us you have pictures :)
 
Jullianna said:
P.S. - I truly cannot imagine Liamson in the Urban Cowboy role haha Please tell us you have pictures :)
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I have to second this. Liamson seems like such a smart, multi-cultural type of guy... I can't see him trying to play the role of "Cowboy Wannabe" at all!! (I went to Texas for the first time last year... We saw a group of "cowboys" in a restaurant and I was all excited... until my friend, a native Texan, said, "Those are NOT real cowboys! Look at their clothes--those shirts, hats, and jeans are brand-spankin' new... and they don't have any mud--or other various things--clinging to their boots." Sigh.)

I had an idea for a thread similar to this but you worded it all too well, Liamson :). I am SO guilty of this.

I'll meet a guy and maybe all we have in common is that we're talking to each other about our lives or a subject I haven't talked to anyone else about in a long time... and BAM... I'm picturing, "Well maybe..." Except that I'm making HUGE exceptions to who I am (for example, "Maybe I can be a good influence on him and get him to stop drinking...") HUGE MISTAKE. Being alone is a bummer at times, but I would hope my big triumph is letting God help me make better choices!!

P.S. I already have a passport... I'm totally game to meet a good guy out there who wants to travel to other countries, eat their food (however, I'll pass on the fried mini-octopi that we were served in Korea), while listening to live music. :)
 
Liamson said:
I've pretended that women were deeper than they are, gave them clues and mysteries to solve, in hopes that they would get to know me better but, really they were just girls and I was just a shiny new guy. Not every woman is curious or deep but, sometimes I like to try and drag them into it.
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I guess I can relate to this, In the past when I've met new women through work or whatever I've behaved a certain way or said certain things to see the reaction from which I hoped to find out how deep they were and how far they'd go in response to a certain type of behaviour etc.....

For a good few years I wasn't even aware that I was doing it, but as I've gotten older I've become more self-aware and so I don't do it anymore, it didn't have any good results when I did because most everytime they weren't how I wanted them to be and in some bizzare way I ended up feeling I'd lost something that was never there to have in the first place.
 
Matthew said:

For a good few years I wasn't even aware that I was doing it, but as I've gotten older I've become more self-aware and so I don't do it anymore, it didn't have any good results when I did because most everytime they weren't how I wanted them to be and in some bizzare way I ended up feeling I'd lost something that was never there to have in the first place.
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Its a strange thing because if it wasn't for a girl doing it to me, I wouldn't have the expectation that it should exist. I almost feel like its kind of subconscious, like trying to teach a Beta (fish) tricks. Beta's are smart they know that if they see my finger, they should get excited because food is coming soon. I'm a really curious person and I learn a ton of weird things and I wind up trying to teach girls how to do things that if they were going to be my girlfriend, they should know. For instance I've taught women I've dated, how to shoot a gun, drive stick, and swim. It doesn't mean to me that they are projects, it just means that I'm a really curious guy and I never stop learning or teaching.

...Depth is something that almost has to be self taught. I can't teach someone to feel, to appreciate or how to communicate what they are feeling. I can only go on what they know. Its like trying to explain why words like 'Sympatico' and 'A' AMA' have no English equivalent, when an example would serve better than an explanation. So I suppose at the end of the day, I don't really know if I want to stop doing it but, I also know its kind of a 'thing' ;)
 
Liamson said:
Its a strange thing because if it wasn't for a girl doing it to me, I wouldn't have the expectation that it should exist. I almost feel like its kind of subconscious, like trying to teach a Beta (fish) tricks. Beta's are smart they know that if they see my finger, they should get excited because food is coming soon. I'm a really curious person and I learn a ton of weird things and I wind up trying to teach girls how to do things that if they were going to be my girlfriend, they should know. For instance I've taught women I've dated, how to shoot a gun, drive stick, and swim. It doesn't mean to me that they are projects, it just means that I'm a really curious guy and I never stop learning or teaching.

...Depth is something that almost has to be self taught. I can't teach someone to feel, to appreciate or how to communicate what they are feeling. I can only go on what they know. Its like trying to explain why words like 'Sympatico' and 'A' AMA' have no English equivalent, when an example would serve better than an explanation. So I suppose at the end of the day, I don't really know if I want to stop doing it but, I also know its kind of a 'thing' ;)
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I think that as with all things we need to examine the motive behind it. Like you said you like to teach. Thats not a bad thin in itself but if you are looking to change who they are then that's probably not so great. There's nothing wrong with sharing your knowledge and interest with others. If you like to fish take a friend fishing. But if they don't want to fish regularly its not fair to try to make them a fisherman.

We also have to recognize which characteristics we can live without, from or mate, and which will be essential to our relationship.
 
Isn't there something in that book The Rules about "letting him teach you something"? I think that's kinda cute :)

I need a guy to teach me how to change my oil.
 
Liamson said:
I'm a really curious person and I learn a ton of weird things and I wind up trying to teach girls how to do things that if they were going to be my girlfriend, they should know. For instance I've taught women I've dated, how to shoot a gun, drive stick, and swim. It doesn't mean to me that they are projects, it just means that I'm a really curious guy and I never stop learning or teaching.
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That's interesting, I think it's probably a simple difference in personalities, for me I wouldn't need a woman to know anything specific in order to be with me, it wouldn't be important she could do what I could do or engaged in my hobbies, just as long as we had some things we could share, and they can be things we discover together that neither of us have ever done.

Liamson said:
...Depth is something that almost has to be self taught. I can't teach someone to feel, to appreciate or how to communicate what they are feeling.
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Absolutely true, it's one thing to educate someone in your hobbies and things that are important to you for whatever reason but depth and self-expression can't be taught, they are things people come too as part of life's journey, if that is out of balance between two people it won't be 'fixed' for all the trying.

That's more like what I was doing, trying to provoke a reaction to see depth and a sign that there was an analytical mind within, that's where it becomes futile and potentially damaging because it's like an unconcious attempt to audition people to see if they measure up.
 
Oooh, this is very interesting. Excellent thing to think about.

I find that i am not attracted to a guy until i see the qualities that i want in a husband prevalent in his life... and some personal preferences. (:
For instance, there are 10 character qualities that are absolute MUSTS before i ever got into a relationship with a guy. Along with that, i have about 5-7 preferences (somewhat negotiable) which are pretty high priority, as well (I have heard many times from many people that my standards are too high and that such a man does not exist. Well, we shall see!).

I don't project an image or try to change a man into what i want, because i know that with few exceptions, men dont change for girls - they adjust temporarily. Who they are is generally who they are (apart from the transforming power of God in their lives, obviously).
Basically, i stand back and watch a man to see if he already is a man i would be interested in. I dont date flippantly, so any relationship i enter in my opinion is heading toward marriage. If he's going to be the leader of my home someday, i want him to be leading now. No, he most certainly doesnt have to be perfect, but i do need to see a steady, continual growth on his part and a strong relationship with God.

It makes life so much easier when im not out looking for a boyfriend or trying to make that "cute" guy i met into a man who shares the same interests as me. God is so much bigger than that. (:
 
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