This may seem weird, but I have been technically single for my whole life, since you can't really count k-2 grade as a dating/relationship type deal. For me though I have ask a few not many girls out, the last girl I ask out was when I was younger like 15-17 years of age. I got rejected in a harsh way of a lie as she went and told me she had to wait until she was eighteen to date and then she was dating someone already even though she told me that she was suppose to be eighteen... but I feel like since that happen, I kind of feel like it is impossible for me to talk to girls on any behalf, there is no churches around here that I feel comfortable around. I join the site christianmingle to check it out. But it is like all the sites that I have seen, it focus too much on the pictures and not the chatting realm. I seem to be able to take small talk and turn it all about me recently and I kind of feel awkward anymore trying to make decent conversation with someone I meet at work (not who I work with.) But it seems that the rejection has stuck in my head every since then, and I kind of in a place in my life where I want to start dating.. .Any advice to even start talking to someone?)
I used to get rejected a lot, and the more I was rejected, the more I feared rejection, and took it badly when it happened. And the longer this went on, the more I feared women, the less confident I got but the more desperately I wanted a relationship. So on the cycle continued.
Eventually I realized I had to learn to break that cycle, and I started by thinking about a few things:
1. If a woman rejects you, it says more about her than it does about you. This is always true, for it was not
your decision to reject yourself, but it was her decision to reject you. Thus, whatever reasons for her rejection are in
her mind, not in yours. Don't make it about you not being 'good enough', make it about what it is; she is a person who rejects, for her own reasons. Don't project it onto yourself. Do not try to 'live up' to her standards, because those are idealizations in her mind that make her 'perfect man' an idea; not a tangible reality. Most women get to a stage where they realize having perfectionist expectations is a recipe for disaster. Don't let her immaturity make you bitter.
2. The negative feelings associated with rejection are only possible when you consider yourself the inferior party. Learn to think about it in a different light. If a woman rejects you, it's
her loss, not yours, for she was unwilling to give you an opportunity to make her life better. I mean, isn't that why we ask someone we like romantically to be part of our lives at all; because we want them to be happy and are willing to make that a reality?
3. Stop feeling guilt and shame. You do not need to be ashamed for being sexually attracted to someone who does not want what you have to give. There is no shame in that, at all. You are a young man, a human being, a creature of interdependent circumstance, part of a species who relate to other humans constantly, who are family beings, beings of social connection and who place such value on coupling and reproduction. What you feel towards women is natural, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
4. Remind yourself about these things. Realize people like to say their decisions are about 'outside influences' as though the world compelled them into making such decisions; 'I had to', 'I had no choice'. The truth is, every decision anyone ever makes is a representation of their own cognition, their own views, their own perceptions and their own thoughts. Her thoughts that led to rejecting you are not a representation of you, they are a representation of her.
