Relationship saboteurs

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Jullianna

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How do you deal with someone who knows that you are in a relationship with someone else, but sets about to interfere? More than once..

My philosophy has always been that no one can sabotage a relationship unless you allow it. If you and the person you care about discuss it and the other person agrees not to allow it as well, the relationship can continue. If they choose to permit the interference, in my experience it is best to walk away.

What do you think?
 
Walk away from the relationship?

Or walk away from the interference?

If its his friends, that are continuously interfering all up in yo bizniss, then you need to tell yo man to man up if he wants to keep you. Mmhmm.

But if its your friends, like say its me. Then you have to realize that a relationship is potentially forever but a friendship has no expectations to last.
 
Honesty really is the best. If you and your partner talk about it, make a plan, and stick to it, the other party will either step up their game, or give up. Now, like you said, if your partner allows it, I would also walk away. Him allowing the madness means his ties to the other person are obviously greater than his ties to you. However, who is the person trying to interfere? If it's an ex, I would confront the ex and remind them that they have no say in the relationship. If it's a parent, that's sticky. Here's an example. Of every boyfriend I've had their mothers loved me... except one. She saw me as stealing her son and was VERY verbal about not liking me, of me not being good enough, and stuff like that. It was a very difficult relationship because he wouldn't stand up to his mother. I believe in respecting your parents and all that jazz, but we were adults. She had done her job as a mother, but she still held onto him like he was a child. We aren't together because he rightly chose his family. I know if someone said "Aimee it's me or your mother" I'd tell him "see ya!". If it's a parent, I would ask why they were trying to interfere in the relationship. Perhaps they don't even realize what they are doing. Another thing is, is the couple married? Because there are slightly different rules about parental interference there. If they're just dating, then parental interference can be tolerated to a higher degree. If they're married, then "leave and cleave", baby. Parental interference should be at a minimum then. If it's friends getting all up in your grill, then they should be kindly spoken to about butting out. However, that's only if they're trying to cause damage. If they're butting in because the relationship is unhealthy, then that's understandable. For me it comes down to this. A relationship only falls apart if one or both parties bails. If the couple really wants to stay together, they will.
 
Oddly enough this situation reared its ugly head in my marriage more than once. It was always the exact same guy, and I didn't know him personally, and since my ex-wife really only knew him online, there was no chance of that happening. Over the course of seven years I sent him several emails telling him to knock it off, and discussed it with my wife at the time frequently, she remained insistent that they were friends, and she had repeatedly told him that, (I know she wasn't lying because I had heard her), still it angered her when I told him to knock it off, which in turn angered me. Eventually after years of this taking place it was evident they became more than friends.

If there is anyone you have any kind of relationship that is trying to make a move this way, that person needs to be removed from your life period. It's absolutely toxic to even the best relationship, it cannot be allowed to breathe.
 
zaoman32 said:
Oddly enough this situation reared its ugly head in my marriage more than once. It was always the exact same guy, and I didn't know him personally, and since my ex-wife really only knew him online, there was no chance of that happening. Over the course of seven years I sent him several emails telling him to knock it off, and discussed it with my wife at the time frequently, she remained insistent that they were friends, and she had repeatedly told him that, (I know she wasn't lying because I had heard her), still it angered her when I told him to knock it off, which in turn angered me. Eventually after years of this taking place it was evident they became more than friends.

If there is anyone you have any kind of relationship that is trying to make a move this way, that person needs to be removed from your life period. It's absolutely toxic to even the best relationship, it cannot be allowed to breathe.
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I learned this lesson the hard way. My ex boyfriend had mostly female friends. For the record, I don't have an issue with a boyfriend or husband having female friends, as long as they're just friends. With my ex, he was an attention whore and needed CONSTANT female interaction. If I wasn't available, he would turn to another woman. At the time I stupidly told myself that what he was doing was fine and normal. But! I found out he was cheating on me and of course it was my fault. He always had a list of things that was wrong with me... except for my cooking. He never complained about that. Anyway, now that I've healed some, grown up some, and learned what a Godly man actually looks like, I wouldn't have given my ex the time of day!

When you have someone who will not let an opposite sex friend go, I would seriously question their "just friends" status.



Okay, seriously, someone take these jelly beans from me. I'm going to eat them all...
 
Jullianna said:
How do you deal with someone who knows that you are in a relationship with someone else, but sets about to interfere? More than once..

My philosophy has always been that no one can sabotage a relationship unless you allow it. If you and the person you care about discuss it and the other person agrees not to allow it as well, the relationship can continue. If they choose to permit the interference, in my experience it is best to walk away.

What do you think?
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I think a lot depends on if they actually choose to allow it, or if they've tried to stop it and there's just nothing more they can do about it. In any case, I think a good relationship is like a house built on a strong foundation...

"It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built." - (Luke 6:48 NLT)
 
Jullianna said:
How do you deal with someone who knows that you are in a relationship with someone else, but sets about to interfere? More than once..

My philosophy has always been that no one can sabotage a relationship unless you allow it. If you and the person you care about discuss it and the other person agrees not to allow it as well, the relationship can continue. If they choose to permit the interference, in my experience it is best to walk away.

What do you think?
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Oh the troubles of gorgeous people... :P

Seriously though, I can't say that I've ever been on the receiving side of this sort of thing. For the most part I would have to agree with Liamson, with one exception. Sometimes our friends can see things we can't. Interference can come in many forms and be prompted by many motivators. If it's a friend, I think they probably at least deserve a good sitting down and face-to-face conversation about it. For me, I'd prefer to be approached by the friend, and not the couple, but if your significant other feels that he needs or deserves to be involved, I guess that's better than nothing. It's possible that they are trying to protect you, even if in a less than ideal way.

Praying things become clear for you.
 
Again, since I've actually been in the situation before, a confrontation does not work. It didn't work when it was my ex wife talking with him, it didn't work when it was me trying to talk with him. The only way it will end is to cut contact. Words are nothing more than words. A promise is nothing more than words unless it is acted upon, and someone with romantic feelings for a married person and is willing to show those feelings is not going to let go easily, and does not care about any marital vows. Cut contact.
 
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If I discussed it with someone once, maybe twice, and they continue to allow it to happen, I would not be confrontational. I would simply walk away knowing that I didn't belong with that person. If someone truly cares about you and the relationship, confrontation should not be necessary in my book.
 
Jullianna said:
How do you deal with someone who knows that you are in a relationship with someone else, but sets about to interfere? More than once..

My philosophy has always been that no one can sabotage a relationship unless you allow it. If you and the person you care about discuss it and the other person agrees not to allow it as well, the relationship can continue. If they choose to permit the interference, in my experience it is best to walk away.

What do you think?
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Jullianna said:
If I discussed it with someone once, maybe twice, and they continue to allow it to happen, I would not be confrontational. I would simply walk away knowing that I didn't belong with that person. If someone truly cares about you and the relationship, confrontation should not be necessary in my book.
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I think the key phrases are important. If the interference is truly something that they are permitting to happen rather than something beyond their control I would definitely walk. Of course there are those circumstances where someone may have done everything in their power to stop someone (such as an immediate family member or former spouse with whom they have children) from interfering without success. In those circumstances I would probably be a bit more forgiving since it's more difficult to distance one's self from them.
 
Liamson said:
like say its me.
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How dare you. :p


Jullianna said:
If I discussed it with someone once, maybe twice, and they continue to allow it to happen, I would not be confrontational. I would simply walk away knowing that I didn't belong with that person. If someone truly cares about you and the relationship, confrontation should not be necessary in my book.
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Why do you think the person is trying to interfere? Jealousy? Genuine (but perhaps misplaced) concern? Nosiness? Straight-up malevolence? I honestly think it matters. Some things are (and should be) harder to ignore.
 
PopClick, for no noble purpose. They do it because they want to be with that person, not realizing the futility of doing such a thing, even if they are successful in breaking up a couple. Why would anyone want to be someone's second choice? Very sad...
 
its not always the case tht u meantiont Julianna , there can be other reasons too ...
 
I posted something in regards to this a while ago, but I'm to lazy to look it up :P. The main point of it was, if someone truly loves someone else who is in a married couple, they should be willing to put their emotions on the shelf. By confessing you "love" someone who is married, someone will come out the other end of the meat grinder. It can destroy a friendly relationship at best, and destroy a marriage at worst, there is nothing good that can come out of it. If someone truly loves someone who is married, then they should love that person enough to put that persons happiness and emotions and well being ahead of their own. I would question any romantic feelings being "true love" if the subject of those feelings is already married.
 
Jullianna said:
PopClick, for no noble purpose. They do it because they want to be with that person, not realizing the futility of doing such a thing, even if they are successful in breaking up a couple. Why would anyone want to be someone's second choice? Very sad...
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Ah, okay. Gotcha. I definitely think the S.O. should cut off contact with the meddler, out of respect for the other person in the relationship. Respect is a must, IMO. It also makes me wonder why they would allow it to go on? To boost their ego?
 
Walk away walk away
Walk away walk away
I will follow...

[video=youtube;jv51LO7NOTo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv51LO7NOTo[/video]
 
PopClick said:
Ah, okay. Gotcha. I definitely think the S.O. should cut off contact with the meddler, out of respect for the other person in the relationship. Respect is a must, IMO. It also makes me wonder why they would allow it to go on? To boost their ego?
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Not sure. Maybe they don't see it. Maybe they think the other person is overreacting. It has a very high price tag though.
 
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