Relationships with Friends After Marriage

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MsMediator

MsMediator

Well-known member
#1
Mar 8, 2022
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#1
After marriage, how should one's relationships with his/her friends change (if at all)?

How often should someone hang out with his/her friends after marriage? Are weekends generally off-limits?

I am currently watching the show Married at First Sight. Justin is more of a homebody, whereas his wife Alexis is an extrovert who likes to go to the club every weekend and hang out with her friends. Justin is complaining that married women don't go to clubs especially not every weekend, and he feels second priority to her friends (and her dog). Alexis' point of view is that she spends time with him all the time and wants to see her friends every week. She is only going to the club for a couple of hours, so I am assuming not into the wee hours of the morning. She feels like she has to give up her friends to keep him happy. It should be noted that they have an unhappy marriage right now.

What is a compromise in this scenario?

My opinion is that she can still visit her friends on a weekly basis, and during the weekends if she doesn't already have plans with her husband. I also think she should choose a different place to meet her friends, but should still be able to go to the club on special occasions (birthdays, etc., depending on where her friends want to celebrate). It seems to me that Justin only wants her to meet up with her friends every few weeks. I see what Justin is saying about Alexis clubbing every weekend, but I also think it is not entirely about the club issue but more about his wife hanging out with friends on a regular basis. I think he might still have an issue even if she goes to brunch, their house, etc. on a weekly basis for a few hours. It also seems that he doesn't want to join her but prefers being at home.
 
Subhumanoidal

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
#2
Sep 17, 2018
4,061
3,175
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#2
MsMediator said:
After marriage, how should one's relationships with his/her friends change (if at all)?

How often should someone hang out with his/her friends after marriage? Are weekends generally off-limits?

I am currently watching the show Married at First Sight. Justin is more of a homebody, whereas his wife Alexis is an extrovert who likes to go to the club every weekend and hang out with her friends. Justin is complaining that married women don't go to clubs especially not every weekend, and he feels second priority to her friends (and her dog). Alexis' point of view is that she spends time with him all the time and wants to see her friends every week. She is only going to the club for a couple of hours, so I am assuming not into the wee hours of the morning. She feels like she has to give up her friends to keep him happy. It should be noted that they have an unhappy marriage right now.

What is a compromise in this scenario?

My opinion is that she can still visit her friends on a weekly basis, and during the weekends if she doesn't already have plans with her husband. I also think she should choose a different place to meet her friends, but should still be able to go to the club on special occasions (birthdays, etc., depending on where her friends want to celebrate). It seems to me that Justin only wants her to meet up with her friends every few weeks. I see what Justin is saying about Alexis clubbing every weekend, but I also think it is not entirely about the club issue but more about his wife hanging out with friends on a regular basis. I think he might still have an issue even if she goes to brunch, their house, etc. on a weekly basis for a few hours. It also seems that he doesn't want to join her but prefers being at home.
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The central issue here is they're different people with different needs.
He's an introvert. Introverts like to be at home, or in more private areas and typically prefer to spend social time with the few people they are willing to give their time to.
Extroverts need to be around people. That's how they feel "fed" and limiting themselves to a small number of people, or one person, is difficult for them.

Neither of them are 'wrong' in their wants and needs, therefore there is no blame. But it is up to Both of them to recognize what the others needs are and make some concessions.

It may not be entirely about the club issue, but is likely a solid part of it. I'm a person that enjoys time to myself. I also enjoy time with my gf. If we miss spending time together, while I may miss her, I'll use that time alone to enjoy. But if her reason was that she was at a club I'd have a Huge issue with that. Even if it were just special occasions.
If it's not right for her to go every weekend, what changes about being there if she goes less often?
But I also have to feel if she were going out Too much that would also bother me, even if it were to a place I'd be ok with.

This is why shows like this are ridiculous. They use the fantasy of fairy tale love to cash in on lonely people desperation and watch them make bad decisions for people's entertainment.


As far as the 1st questions posed, I've not been in such a situation, but I would presume the answer would be affected by some variables. Are they shared friends? Or more friends of one or the other?

As far as frequency I'd say there is no rule. Whether or not those friends are also married could affect it.
Chances are those sorts of things will affect the friends and how they might feel spending time with you.

Unless the friendship was tied into the marriage (such as you and spouse got together with another couple and suddenly you're divorced) in some way then whether or not, how often or when you spend time with them seems irrelevant to your divorce.
If those friends feel stuck in the middle or that they're forced to choose between the two of you, that would be different.
 
Seeker47

Seeker47

Well-known member
#3
Aug 7, 2018
1,129
963
113
#3
What is a "Club"? Isn't this just another word for a bar? Is it not a place to dress up to be seen, to drink and interact with others? Can't friends meet in the home, or maybe at a café or over lunch, or at the park? It seems to me someone is fogging the real issue here.
 
GardenofWeeden

GardenofWeeden

Well-known member
#4
Jul 27, 2018
411
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The Garden of Weeden
#4
Seeker47 said:
What is a "Club"? Isn't this just another word for a bar? Is it not a place to dress up to be seen, to drink and interact with others? Can't friends meet in the home, or maybe at a café or over lunch, or at the park? It seems to me someone is fogging the real issue here.
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A club is basically a bar, but with dancing, and/or other activities usually available. I went to a cigar club this week for a work event, it was a bar only instead of dancing they had humidors and cigars available, food (appetizers) and great low key music. On weekends they offer live jazz/blues music with dancing too. In my club days (100 years ago) I liked going a few different types of clubs, all offered dancing, which was why I went, but one offered dart boards, and a room with beach style volleyball tournaments. The other offered dart boards with leagues and tournaments and pool tables with tournaments.

Clubs aren't all about being seen and whatnot, they are activity filled, so people aren't just standing around getting drunk. It's a way to share activities with like minded people. i don't date, but I am very extroverted, and I love to dance and play darts. Now I go to salsa clubs, and dance. I don't really drink, but I might have a drink when I first get there, otherwise the clubs I attend know to make extra sweet tea when I enter, because I will drink all they have. haha

As for the OP. I see nothing wrong with her going out with her friends for a few hours here and there. It's important to maintain friendships after we become a couple. They both need to include each other in their relaxation/entertainment times as well though. She needs to both invite him to go out with her, and she needs to spend time with him doing the homey types of things he enjoys. He needs to allow her to go out with her friends, and he needs to take her out sometimes as well to enjoy the things she enjoys together. It's give and take. Both giving and expanding their comfort zones to benefit the other.

At least that's my opinion.
 
MsMediator

MsMediator

Well-known member
#5
Mar 8, 2022
1,100
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113
#5
I think guys and women have different views of the club. Guys go there to meet women (they don't really go there for a "guy's night"), whereas women go there mostly for girls' night and to a lesser extent to meet guys. Also as people get older they don't really go to the "club". I went to a 40th celebration and it was at a piano bar, but there was music, drinking, and some dancing on the side.
 
EmilyNats

EmilyNats

Senior Member
#6
Jul 28, 2016
1,374
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#6
That's something each couple will have to decide for themselves. My husband and I have the same friends, so we get together with them once a week at least. Sometimes I have lunch with just girlfriends, but not super often. We mostly group hangout with friends.
 
D

Dirtman

Well-known member
#7
Jul 19, 2022
1,151
441
83
#7
MsMediator said:
After marriage, how should one's relationships with his/her friends change (if at all)?

How often should someone hang out with his/her friends after marriage? Are weekends generally off-limits?

I am currently watching the show Married at First Sight. Justin is more of a homebody, whereas his wife Alexis is an extrovert who likes to go to the club every weekend and hang out with her friends. Justin is complaining that married women don't go to clubs especially not every weekend, and he feels second priority to her friends (and her dog). Alexis' point of view is that she spends time with him all the time and wants to see her friends every week. She is only going to the club for a couple of hours, so I am assuming not into the wee hours of the morning. She feels like she has to give up her friends to keep him happy. It should be noted that they have an unhappy marriage right now.

What is a compromise in this scenario?

My opinion is that she can still visit her friends on a weekly basis, and during the weekends if she doesn't already have plans with her husband. I also think she should choose a different place to meet her friends, but should still be able to go to the club on special occasions (birthdays, etc., depending on where her friends want to celebrate). It seems to me that Justin only wants her to meet up with her friends every few weeks. I see what Justin is saying about Alexis clubbing every weekend, but I also think it is not entirely about the club issue but more about his wife hanging out with friends on a regular basis. I think he might still have an issue even if she goes to brunch, their house, etc. on a weekly basis for a few hours. It also seems that he doesn't want to join her but prefers being at home.
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I think its a tv designed to destroy pur image of marriage. Probably with some other social destabilizing messages as well.
 
D

Dirtman

Well-known member
#8
Jul 19, 2022
1,151
441
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#8
The person you marry should be your best friend and you should be building a life together. Not that you shouldnt have hobbies and such that you do with friends other than the spouse. Tennis or fishing or something constructive to the body and mind. Clubbing or bar hoping is out the door. In fact I would say if ya marry a person doing this type of thing you're being foolish.
 
TheNarrowPath

TheNarrowPath

Well-known member
#9
Jul 17, 2022
1,012
548
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#9
Its a conversation to be had before you tie the knot. I dont mind my guy hanging with his friends. Its good to have different interest as well as same interests. Its good to spend some time with others in a social setting. If it was a setting where there is music and dancing I know hed ask me to go with him and Id say yes to dancing but maybe no to a sports game once in a while. I wouldnt see having friends as a threat to the relationship, Id see it as good to have a few hours even a night to yourself. My younger brother and his wife have a marriage where she visits her family in the weekends and sometimes they go out to drink, friends included. Sometimes my brother does the same thing with his friends and sometimes they are together when they go out with others. And they have a wonderful marriage. It works for them because they knew what each other was like before they got married.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#10
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#10
sounds like a fake marriage put on for tv to get the maximum drama out of it lol

IMHO
 
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