Roles in marriage. What is important for you as a male/female?

[toinena]

As I am toying with the thought of getting married, it comes clear to me some matters that I would love your thoughts on.

How important is it for a married couple to follow the Biblical principles of headship and submission?

How can it affect the roles mentioned above, when the man has to start over in a new place (country even) and will consequently earn less than the woman?

When the man comes dependent on the woman that is local and knows the language, the balance of power will potentially affect the couple. How can you keep the headship in this kind of situation?

And many other questions.....

 

[cinder]

As I am toying with the thought of getting married, it comes clear to me some matters that I would love your thoughts on.

How important is it for a married couple to follow the Biblical principles of headship and submission?

How can it affect the roles mentioned above, when the man has to start over in a new place (country even) and will consequently earn less than the woman?

When the man comes dependent on the woman that is local and knows the language, the balance of power will potentially affect the couple. How can you keep the headship in this kind of situation?

And many other questions.....

I want to give this a thorough reply and hopefully won't run out of time. I believe it's always important to follow Biblical principles, but I question how much of the ideas we end up with regarding headship and submission are really a part of what the Bible is trying to teach. For example, I don't think headship necessarily means the husband has to be the more publicly visible and vocal of the couple. Nor does it mean he has to be in charge of implementing important decisions. I would just suggest that when you read passages like Ephesians 5 you be sure to include verse 21 where it says submit to one another, or as Philippians puts it consider the other better than yourself.

On the practical side of cross cultural challenges (since I have much more experience moving to and living in another country than I do at being married) here's what I have to say: Keep in mind that when someone moves to another country they don't know how anything works anymore. So everyday tasks (like going to buy groceries) are much more difficult and tiring. So his first months to years in country he's going to be tired and frustrated a lot of the time for what probably seems like no reason. Doubly so if he's trying to learn the language. In an ideal world you could visit his country for a bit, make a list of everything that people do in their daily lives that seems strange, and make him a cheat sheet of the "normal" way to do it in your country. The best things you can do are to be extremely patient and encouraging and celebrate the little victories and progress you see. You can also let him know about unspoken expectations especially in areas of employment and social situations ( eg: how many hours is full time work? What is a normal amount of paid time off to receive for a job, normal salary? How soon after an interview should you follow up? Should you send a thank you note after an interview? How long does an interview process usually take? Are you seen as not committed if you don't ever volunteer for overtime work? Is mandatory overtime normal and to be expected? How are working hours calculated, are there paid breaks ( when I worked teaching overseas, I was paid only for the time spent in classroom, not for the 5 minute passing period between classes) Who all do you get christmas presents for? How long does a dinner invitation usually last? etc.).

Despite your best efforts at informing, I also want to say that no amount of information can completely change a person's cultural conditioning. Even when he knows accurately exactly what's going on and what's expected, there will be times it just annoys him and he hates it (and if he's anything like me times when even after much experience of how it is, he still expects to find somewhere that does things normally (ie: like they do back home)). Hope some of that rambling helps, mostly it's just to say expect things to be difficult and stressful at times and prepare to meet it with extra love, grace, and patience.

 

[Jennie-Mae]

Well... I’m a woman, so I reckon there ain’t no problem with me being the one giving up on everything, leaving my country and my family to get married in a country I had never seen before.

Anyways, even for us womenfolks, settling in a new country may can be a little challenging. Language is one thing, but culture, now that’s another story. If you’re born and bred in the Deep South, and then, for some way over yonder crazy reason, finds yourself head over heels in love with some durn European covered in snow and ice, well, then you’re up for some serious learnin’..

 

[Dino246]

This isn't the BDF, so I won't launch into a sermon on "submission" and how it is much-corrupted in Christian (mis)interpretation of Ephesians 5, wherein it is written, "Submit yourselves to one another, out of reverence for Christ".

Whoops, too late.

I won't even start on "headship"....

 

[RodB65]

. If you’re born and bred in the Deep South, and then, for some way over yonder crazy reason, finds yourself head over heels in love with some durn European covered in snow and ice, well, then you’re up for some serious learnin’..

Well, you know us southerners can generally handle hurricanes, tornados, droughts etc... But let it sleet a little bit, and we're done!

 

[Mel85]

As I am toying with the thought of getting married, it comes clear to me some matters that I would love your thoughts on.

How important is it for a married couple to follow the Biblical principles of headship and submission?

How can it affect the roles mentioned above, when the man has to start over in a new place (country even) and will consequently earn less than the woman?

When the man comes dependent on the woman that is local and knows the language, the balance of power will potentially affect the couple. How can you keep the headship in this kind of situation?

And many other questions.....

Yes, I believe it is important for a couple to follow biblical principles.

 

[Quantrill]

As I am toying with the thought of getting married, it comes clear to me some matters that I would love your thoughts on.

How important is it for a married couple to follow the Biblical principles of headship and submission?

How can it affect the roles mentioned above, when the man has to start over in a new place (country even) and will consequently earn less than the woman?

When the man comes dependent on the woman that is local and knows the language, the balance of power will potentially affect the couple. How can you keep the headship in this kind of situation?

And many other questions.....

My 2 cents.

If a Christian couple are planning on getting married, they will always agree with one another concerning submission and headship. It always sounds good....till your really married.

Observe this. Do you see certain problems with the partner that you find irritating now? Well, forget about those going away. They don't. They don't change. The question is, can you live with them, because you will live with them.

If both are Christian, the man is always the head. That never changes. He is the head because God has made him the head. If that is ignored, then you are operating on a non-Christian base.

Quantrill

 

[toinena]

Well... I’m a woman, so I reckon there ain’t no problem with me being the one giving up on everything, leaving my country and my family to get married in a country I had never seen before.

Anyways, even for us womenfolks, settling in a new country may can be a little challenging. Language is one thing, but culture, now that’s another story. If you’re born and bred in the Deep South, and then, for some way over yonder crazy reason, finds yourself head over heels in love with some durn European covered in snow and ice, well, then you’re up for some serious learnin’..

It takes a great portion to do that.... especially when Norway is included in the scenario. You are one brave woman, Jennie!

 

[toinena]

I want to give this a thorough reply and hopefully won't run out of time. I believe it's always important to follow Biblical principles, but I question how much of the ideas we end up with regarding headship and submission are really a part of what the Bible is trying to teach. For example, I don't think headship necessarily means the husband has to be the more publicly visible and vocal of the couple. Nor does it mean he has to be in charge of implementing important decisions. I would just suggest that when you read passages like Ephesians 5 you be sure to include verse 21 where it says submit to one another, or as Philippians puts it consider the other better than yourself.

On the practical side of cross cultural challenges (since I have much more experience moving to and living in another country than I do at being married) here's what I have to say: Keep in mind that when someone moves to another country they don't know how anything works anymore. So everyday tasks (like going to buy groceries) are much more difficult and tiring. So his first months to years in country he's going to be tired and frustrated a lot of the time for what probably seems like no reason. Doubly so if he's trying to learn the language. In an ideal world you could visit his country for a bit, make a list of everything that people do in their daily lives that seems strange, and make him a cheat sheet of the "normal" way to do it in your country. The best things you can do are to be extremely patient and encouraging and celebrate the little victories and progress you see. You can also let him know about unspoken expectations especially in areas of employment and social situations ( eg: how many hours is full time work? What is a normal amount of paid time off to receive for a job, normal salary? How soon after an interview should you follow up? Should you send a thank you note after an interview? How long does an interview process usually take? Are you seen as not committed if you don't ever volunteer for overtime work? Is mandatory overtime normal and to be expected? How are working hours calculated, are there paid breaks ( when I worked teaching overseas, I was paid only for the time spent in classroom, not for the 5 minute passing period between classes) Who all do you get christmas presents for? How long does a dinner invitation usually last? etc.).

Despite your best efforts at informing, I also want to say that no amount of information can completely change a person's cultural conditioning. Even when he knows accurately exactly what's going on and what's expected, there will be times it just annoys him and he hates it (and if he's anything like me times when even after much experience of how it is, he still expects to find somewhere that does things normally (ie: like they do back home)). Hope some of that rambling helps, mostly it's just to say expect things to be difficult and stressful at times and prepare to meet it with extra love, grace, and patience.

Unfortunately visiting his country is impossible as long as I am needing a wheelchair to move around with. But I try to learn about his culture and nation as best as I can. The language is almost impossible, though.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

As I am toying with the thought of getting married, it comes clear to me some matters that I would love your thoughts on.

How important is it for a married couple to follow the Biblical principles of headship and submission?

How can it affect the roles mentioned above, when the man has to start over in a new place (country even) and will consequently earn less than the woman?

When the man comes dependent on the woman that is local and knows the language, the balance of power will potentially affect the couple. How can you keep the headship in this kind of situation?

And many other questions.....

The role each chooses is a choice by the individual.
I have been in relationships where the woman had the "upper hand" due to outside factors (similar to how you describe) but the woman did not use that as leverage.
As a personal choice and desire she handed me the reigns, so to speak. She wanted to be correct spiritually and I gave her reasons to trust me to do so by how I treated her.
I never made an attempt to be the head, she handed that role to me. And that is the true essence of your question. A man proves himself trustworthy and a woman acts on that trust because she chooses to.
Once people try to force roles things fall apart.

 

[toinena]

It takes a great portion to do that.... especially when Norway is included in the scenario. You are one brave woman, Jennie!

Oh. I forgot a very important word here... insanity.