Hey Everyone,
Something came up in another thread that reminded me we haven't talked about this in a while -- what is your best advice for staying safe as a single?
With social media and "doxxing" (someone publicly sharing your personal information without your consent) running rampant, I think it's important to talk about this regularly.
As a disclaimer, I am NOT at all trying to say that singles are always innocent (for instance, a single might develop an inappropriate attachment to someone married.)
BUT, for the purposes of this thread, let's talk about the perspective of how someone who is alone can best look out for themselves in various life situations.
For our married friends, think of someone you love who is single -- your adult child, a neighbor, a parent who is widowed or divorced -- and how you would want them to protect themselves.
Here are some examples. What is your best advice on how someone in this situation can stay safe?
1. A single person has someone online or in real life repeatedly asking for dates/attention they aren't interested in. But the other person is relentless and keeps asking.
What should be done?
What can singles do if someone married wants to get a little too close -- or insists on hugging us every Sunday when we really don't want to?
I am certainly not trying to make marrieds out to be doing something wrong -- I am very grateful for wonderful married friends. But what I'm saying is, what happens if a single is put in a situation by a married person that makes them uncomfortable -- who can they go to for help?
And this isn't just something for the young. I know of a woman in a retirement home who had to get involved because a lonely gentleman (bless his heart) who had just lost his wife was trying to recruit her as a replacement. He was asking people exactly where she lived, intending to show up on her doorstep and invite himself in.
I know it depends on how far it goes, so let's discuss and see where it goes/what other people have experienced and how they dealt with it.
2. You or someone you love lives alone.
What measures should be taken to ensure one's safety?
I've been in situations where I've lived alone and with family or a co-worker. I personally don't invite anyone over, or even tell people specifically where I live if I don't have to. To some, that might sound hostile or paranoid, but in my circumstances, I've found it serves me well.
3. You or a single person you know "falls in love" with someone online -- who starts constantly asking for money.
Do you cut this person off? What if it's someone else you know who is having this problem?
What if you are someone whose adult/senior parent has "fallen in love" with someone 30 years younger than them online -- and is sending that person their life savings? This seems to be a growing problem that many families are struggling with.
4. As singles, we are always told to get involved with ministries. But what if we become part of ministries and leader who choose to abuse our singleness?
* What if they always have you doing/expect you to do all the grunt work because you're single (and most especially if you don't have kids?)
* What if they say spiritually manipulative things such as, "I need you to have a servant's heart," or "rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft" if you disagree with something/bring up concerns?
* A single woman here once talked about how her church had a woman's retreat -- and all the single, childless women were expected to provide free daycare instead of going to the retreat. How would you handle this?
I am especially passionate about this one (and wanting to protect other singles from this,) because I have found over time that many "ministry leaders" (at least in my experience,) aren't interested in making you more like Christ as an individual. Many are interested in making you more like them, because they see their own selves as a version of Christ you need to follow.
I am very particular about whom I give my time and resources to (usually, it's to people who are giving to and serving others without ever asking for anything for themselves, including help.)
I'm certainly not saying my way is what anyone else should do -- I'm just saying, I've seen other singles get taken advantage of by ministries because they didn't have anyone to point this out or help them set boundaries -- and I want other singles to protect themselves from spiritual predators.
5. While serving others, someone becomes too attached to you as a single.
What do you do, and who do you go to for help?
In nearly every situation I'm in, I have to be careful -- not because there's anything special about me, but because that's the nature of a broken world. People are so lonely that they will often cling on to anyone showing them any scrap of attention or kindness -- many will want to get closer to you -- and some will refuse to take no as an answer.
This is obvious in situations involving men and women -- but I've had cases where women become attached to me as well.
Both single and married women who were lonely and want me to be with them every spare moment; a woman who got mad that I had other friends; a woman who tried to attach herself to me when I was on the prayer team, calling me at 2 in the morning for more prayer because talking to me on Sunday wasn't enough.
I could certainly relate to her despair, but we are always taught to serve, serve, and serve some more -- but no one ever tells how when, or how, boundaries will need to be set.
Fortunately, I had a good team leader who noticed this, and he and his wife directed her attention to them and away from me.
I will only serve in situations where I know there is a strong, fair, and reliable leadership I know I can go to for help, if needed.
What about you?
I would love to hear your stories and tips.
We singles are always told to get involved and help out -- but no one tells us how to protect ourselves while doing so, and we need to know.
Something came up in another thread that reminded me we haven't talked about this in a while -- what is your best advice for staying safe as a single?
With social media and "doxxing" (someone publicly sharing your personal information without your consent) running rampant, I think it's important to talk about this regularly.
As a disclaimer, I am NOT at all trying to say that singles are always innocent (for instance, a single might develop an inappropriate attachment to someone married.)
BUT, for the purposes of this thread, let's talk about the perspective of how someone who is alone can best look out for themselves in various life situations.
For our married friends, think of someone you love who is single -- your adult child, a neighbor, a parent who is widowed or divorced -- and how you would want them to protect themselves.
Here are some examples. What is your best advice on how someone in this situation can stay safe?
1. A single person has someone online or in real life repeatedly asking for dates/attention they aren't interested in. But the other person is relentless and keeps asking.
What should be done?
What can singles do if someone married wants to get a little too close -- or insists on hugging us every Sunday when we really don't want to?
I am certainly not trying to make marrieds out to be doing something wrong -- I am very grateful for wonderful married friends. But what I'm saying is, what happens if a single is put in a situation by a married person that makes them uncomfortable -- who can they go to for help?
And this isn't just something for the young. I know of a woman in a retirement home who had to get involved because a lonely gentleman (bless his heart) who had just lost his wife was trying to recruit her as a replacement. He was asking people exactly where she lived, intending to show up on her doorstep and invite himself in.
I know it depends on how far it goes, so let's discuss and see where it goes/what other people have experienced and how they dealt with it.
2. You or someone you love lives alone.
What measures should be taken to ensure one's safety?
I've been in situations where I've lived alone and with family or a co-worker. I personally don't invite anyone over, or even tell people specifically where I live if I don't have to. To some, that might sound hostile or paranoid, but in my circumstances, I've found it serves me well.
3. You or a single person you know "falls in love" with someone online -- who starts constantly asking for money.
Do you cut this person off? What if it's someone else you know who is having this problem?
What if you are someone whose adult/senior parent has "fallen in love" with someone 30 years younger than them online -- and is sending that person their life savings? This seems to be a growing problem that many families are struggling with.
4. As singles, we are always told to get involved with ministries. But what if we become part of ministries and leader who choose to abuse our singleness?
* What if they always have you doing/expect you to do all the grunt work because you're single (and most especially if you don't have kids?)
* What if they say spiritually manipulative things such as, "I need you to have a servant's heart," or "rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft" if you disagree with something/bring up concerns?
* A single woman here once talked about how her church had a woman's retreat -- and all the single, childless women were expected to provide free daycare instead of going to the retreat. How would you handle this?
I am especially passionate about this one (and wanting to protect other singles from this,) because I have found over time that many "ministry leaders" (at least in my experience,) aren't interested in making you more like Christ as an individual. Many are interested in making you more like them, because they see their own selves as a version of Christ you need to follow.
I am very particular about whom I give my time and resources to (usually, it's to people who are giving to and serving others without ever asking for anything for themselves, including help.)
I'm certainly not saying my way is what anyone else should do -- I'm just saying, I've seen other singles get taken advantage of by ministries because they didn't have anyone to point this out or help them set boundaries -- and I want other singles to protect themselves from spiritual predators.
5. While serving others, someone becomes too attached to you as a single.
What do you do, and who do you go to for help?
In nearly every situation I'm in, I have to be careful -- not because there's anything special about me, but because that's the nature of a broken world. People are so lonely that they will often cling on to anyone showing them any scrap of attention or kindness -- many will want to get closer to you -- and some will refuse to take no as an answer.
This is obvious in situations involving men and women -- but I've had cases where women become attached to me as well.
Both single and married women who were lonely and want me to be with them every spare moment; a woman who got mad that I had other friends; a woman who tried to attach herself to me when I was on the prayer team, calling me at 2 in the morning for more prayer because talking to me on Sunday wasn't enough.
I could certainly relate to her despair, but we are always taught to serve, serve, and serve some more -- but no one ever tells how when, or how, boundaries will need to be set.
Fortunately, I had a good team leader who noticed this, and he and his wife directed her attention to them and away from me.
I will only serve in situations where I know there is a strong, fair, and reliable leadership I know I can go to for help, if needed.
What about you?
I would love to hear your stories and tips.
We singles are always told to get involved and help out -- but no one tells us how to protect ourselves while doing so, and we need to know.
