Hi all,
I feel like, while this is a space for introducing self, my reasoning behind being here in the first place is the most relevant part in introducing myself. For the first time in my life, God has so fully blessed me with a Christian community, from how my faith is fed and supported by my parents, my pastors, my all-Christian flat, some new God-hungry friends, and the small (but fast growing) "home church" that I attend as one of the "mature" Christians and native speakers of where we are situated. I get to be a sort of big sister in my flat and support the running of a young adult's bible study, and supporting these dear brothers and sisters in Christ fills my cup up so much, and one new friendship specifically has really encouraged me as we have similar backgrounds in which God has delivered us from, so the sense of isolation in regard to that has been lifted. But even with all that blessing, I still feel unknown, frustrated and often isolated. I'm always available for chats and often put my studies or work aside to support my flatmates when they come to me, but I don't have someone who does that for me. The running joke is that I remember everything, so I'm not just helpful and useful, but I make people feel cared for by remembering what they've said and that being reflected in my interactions with them, but I don't have someone that does that for me. My Dad has Parkinson's and forgets a lots, which hurts, and my mum still has to work despite her health and being my dad's carer, so there's only so much I can lean on her. I have chronic health issues, and I am on the autism spectrum, and for me that has always looked like investing 100% until I am on empty and crash because how much I care is coupled by a high tolerance for the physical consequences. Typically, that 100% was spent on others and not myself, but not reciprocated, so when I stop to heal, while I appreciate the prayers offered, relative support does not generally follow, but I know that that is mostly because people don't know how to support me because they never seem to understand what I mean when I explain how I feel. I've never been someone's #2 (I firmly believe that God should be everyone's #1) and that has on and off bothered me my whole life, because it feels like aside from God, people see me as a stop off point or a means to an end, and like investing in me as a person, as a child of God, is supplementary. I cry to God to lift this feeling, to help me not feel alienated when in a room of people who don't understand what I'm saying (whether because their grasp of English is weak or their life experiences mean they have no context to work with), and to be thankful for the people in my life regardless of not having someone to reach out to that I know will get what I'm saying and be available to support me. I want to feel whole and complete in just the Lord and not have this gnawing sense isolation. I try to mediate on Jeremiah 29:11 and James 1:2-3, and to remind myself that God's grace is sufficient. I also continue to pray for relief from this experience, for the provision of people who will understand how I feel and the words that I use, for people who are actually available and not 3-5 business days wait for a text response to my response. I apologies for how grump this all sounds, I guess that's why I started with counting my blessings, because they are insurmountable on top of everything else God has done in my life, I just also needed to get out of my head how I feel, and I wonder how many other people might feel the same.
I feel like, while this is a space for introducing self, my reasoning behind being here in the first place is the most relevant part in introducing myself. For the first time in my life, God has so fully blessed me with a Christian community, from how my faith is fed and supported by my parents, my pastors, my all-Christian flat, some new God-hungry friends, and the small (but fast growing) "home church" that I attend as one of the "mature" Christians and native speakers of where we are situated. I get to be a sort of big sister in my flat and support the running of a young adult's bible study, and supporting these dear brothers and sisters in Christ fills my cup up so much, and one new friendship specifically has really encouraged me as we have similar backgrounds in which God has delivered us from, so the sense of isolation in regard to that has been lifted. But even with all that blessing, I still feel unknown, frustrated and often isolated. I'm always available for chats and often put my studies or work aside to support my flatmates when they come to me, but I don't have someone who does that for me. The running joke is that I remember everything, so I'm not just helpful and useful, but I make people feel cared for by remembering what they've said and that being reflected in my interactions with them, but I don't have someone that does that for me. My Dad has Parkinson's and forgets a lots, which hurts, and my mum still has to work despite her health and being my dad's carer, so there's only so much I can lean on her. I have chronic health issues, and I am on the autism spectrum, and for me that has always looked like investing 100% until I am on empty and crash because how much I care is coupled by a high tolerance for the physical consequences. Typically, that 100% was spent on others and not myself, but not reciprocated, so when I stop to heal, while I appreciate the prayers offered, relative support does not generally follow, but I know that that is mostly because people don't know how to support me because they never seem to understand what I mean when I explain how I feel. I've never been someone's #2 (I firmly believe that God should be everyone's #1) and that has on and off bothered me my whole life, because it feels like aside from God, people see me as a stop off point or a means to an end, and like investing in me as a person, as a child of God, is supplementary. I cry to God to lift this feeling, to help me not feel alienated when in a room of people who don't understand what I'm saying (whether because their grasp of English is weak or their life experiences mean they have no context to work with), and to be thankful for the people in my life regardless of not having someone to reach out to that I know will get what I'm saying and be available to support me. I want to feel whole and complete in just the Lord and not have this gnawing sense isolation. I try to mediate on Jeremiah 29:11 and James 1:2-3, and to remind myself that God's grace is sufficient. I also continue to pray for relief from this experience, for the provision of people who will understand how I feel and the words that I use, for people who are actually available and not 3-5 business days wait for a text response to my response. I apologies for how grump this all sounds, I guess that's why I started with counting my blessings, because they are insurmountable on top of everything else God has done in my life, I just also needed to get out of my head how I feel, and I wonder how many other people might feel the same.
