Some Questions for Singles Who Have Been Hit On By People Who Are Married or Attached...

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

A discussion in another thread had me thinking about how Christian singles are often seen in the church as a wild, partying, loosey-goosey kind of bunch who are always out doing all kinds of immoral things in order to attract dates or potential spouses.

Now, I certainly appreciate that we all need a reminder to keep our focus on God, but this had me pondering the opposite side of the coin -- How common is it for the single (unmarried) people here to have been hit on by those who were married or attached to someone? And if so, how have other singles dealt with it?

If you'll give me just a few minutes, I'm going to write a poll to try to establish how common this is among our current Single Forum crowd. This poll is anonymous and multiple choice, so feel free to check all that apply.

And as you can see from the poll, for this thread, I am defining single as "unmarried", because I am also interested in hearing from those who might be in a relationship, but have also encountered others who have hit on them while knowing they were already attached to someone.

I'm always grateful for the option to write polls here, but please note that the poll only allows a certain number of options. Inevitably, someone will always ask, "Why didn't you include this or that?" but it might very well be that the author simply ran out of spaces that the system allows.

Singles in churches are often treated as if they will be the ones who are always on the verge of committing immoral acts, so in this case, I would like to have a discussion about the flip side of this assumption. Please check out the poll, check whatever answers fit your situation, and let's discuss your observations and experiences here, such as:

* Have you, as an unmarried single, ever been hit on by someone who was married or in a relationship?

* Have you ever been in a relationship and hit on by someone who knew you were with someone else, but just didn't care?

* How have you handled these situations?

Even if this hasn't happened to you directly, feel free to tell us about other situations you may have observed or know have happened to others in your life, or tell us what you would do if it happened to you.

All are welcome to give their input.

* For our married friends who take the time out of their busy schedules to visit us here -- what advice would you give to singles who are unwillingly being pursued by someone who is not supposed to be pursuing them?

Please note that I am certainly not saying that there aren't times when the single person isn't at fault, or flirted with someone who was married or attached, or gave them reason to believe there was something between them.

BUT, for the sake of THIS discussion, let's talk about the times when single people are dealing with unwanted attention from someone who is married or already in a relationship with someone else.

I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts and advice!

 

[seoulsearch]

Disclaimer:

As you write out each poll option and click "Enter" at the end of each option, an additional box will pop up for you to add the next poll option.

However, if you don't remember in advance how many options the system will allow, once you click "Enter" at the very end of the last option (as I just did,) the poll will automatically be sent in for posting and will only allow you the 5-minute Edit time, or else the option to delete the whole thing and start over.

I didn't want to have to write it all over, so I apologize for any errors that were not edited. However, I commonly have errors in my posts as it is, because even when I reread everything I write (sometimes several times,) my brain just reads things as I wanted to say them, and I often miss the errors.

My sincere apologies in advance, and I am grateful to anyone who slugs their way through my posts!

 

[BrotherMike]

I haven't been hit on someone who is in a relationship or married, at least to my knowledge. Anyone who flirts or seeks out a relationship when they are in one, should take a serious look at the one they are in. One at a time or one for life people.

 

[Lynx]

This may require another thread, "how do you know when somebody is hitting on you?"

I have seen many times when a girl asks a guy a question, and after the conversation is over and the girl has gone away his friends tell him, "dude she was hitting on you so hard!" Apparently many guys are oblivious when girls are hitting on them.

On the other side of the coin, my father is a very glib, very outgoing person who will strike up a conversation with anybody if he thinks there is something worth talking about. I am certain many times a woman has thought he was hitting on her, when really all he wanted to do was inform her of a way to polish her car headlights because he noticed they were foggy.

Maybe we should make two how do you know when somebody is hitting on your threads. One for girls and one for guys. I'm sure the answers would be quite different based on gender.

 

[someguyfrommars]

I did not respond to the poll because I have never been pursued by someone who should not be pursuing me; nor have I been guilty of inappropriate pursuing!

That being said...

Singles in churches are often treated as if they will be the ones who are always on the verge of committing immoral acts, so in this case, I would like to have a discussion about the flip side of this assumption.

Not certain I am completely comfortable with this statement in that as a life long single I have never experienced or sensed anything along these lines within church circles.

That being said, as a single I have experience a fair amount of push back from church environments, usually from the church leadership in regards to the perceived reason for my single status. I also agree that today's church needs to put more thought into singles ministry that goes deeper than a once a week 'singles bible study'. Specifically, I would like to see church leadership advocate more for singles as being in a position to pursue unique forms of ministry they might not would be able to if otherwise married.

 

[cinder]

Assuming I knew other person was attached and actually perceived that they were hitting on me (two pretty big assumptions), I'm either going to play dumb to get out of it like I don't realize they're trying to hit on me (and I'm clueless so often I can usually pull it off) and then avoid them in the future or level both barrels and ask said offender why he thinks I'd want anything to do with a cheater and basically make him feel like the scum of the earth for hitting on me. (Exceptionally good friends that I know are having a rough time may get a gentler no, but it's mostly situation dependent). There is no good excuse for being in any way committed to someone and then pursuing an incompatible commitment. If it's really over with the current relationship end it, take time to heal up and learn some lessons from what went wrong, then maybe you'll be in a position to properly start a new relationship. (Yep some things I'm pretty black and white about, this would be one of them)

 

[phil36]

It has been an interesting thread to read. I don't think I've witnessed anything like that and I don't think it's ever happened to me but then again I'm impervious to hints. I am sure it sadly happens though.

 

[Lanolin]

I dont know if Ive experienced what you describe...doesnt sound like the typical church experience I've had. But then you went to a different kind of church than the ones Ive attended!

Is it the Lutheran church? Those loose Luths. Tut tut.

 

[Runningman]

Maybe the impulse reaction to being hit on by a married person is to be confused, offended, and repulsed followed by judgement. "How dare they. They should be ashamed!"

But do we ever stop to think that maybe their reaching out is a symptom of a deeper problem in their marriage? Maybe they're unhappy for some reason and they have been for a long time.

Maybe the countless people we interact with every day have a lot going on. I'm pretty sure I've met people who were just one unkind glance away from going over the edge. I guess we don't know what people are going through; their pain and torment.

Or maybe they're just cheaters.

Who knows...

 

[cinder]

Maybe the impulse reaction to being hit on by a married person is to be confused, offended, and repulsed followed by judgement. "How dare they. They should be ashamed!"

But do we ever stop to think that maybe their reaching out is a symptom of a deeper problem in their marriage? Maybe they're unhappy for some reason and they have been for a long time.

Maybe the countless people we interact with every day have a lot going on. I'm pretty sure I've met people who were just one unkind glance away from going over the edge. I guess we don't know what people are going through; their pain and torment.

Or maybe they're just cheaters.

Who knows...

To be perfectly fair, I think often things start with just wanting someone to talk to or process stuff with and then you choose the wrong person to discuss the matter with and in discussing things end up connecting, and then the whole hitting on takes place which is a much more difficult situation.

So if you're having marriage problems don't discuss them one on one with a member of the opposite sex. And if someone tries to do so with you, help them find a better avenue to get help before wanting to be nice and supportive gets you into a mess.

 

[seoulsearch]

I dont know if Ive experienced what you describe...doesnt sound like the typical church experience I've had. But then you went to a different kind of church than the ones Ive attended!

Is it the Lutheran church? Those loose Luths. Tut tut.

Maybe the impulse reaction to being hit on by a married person is to be confused, offended, and repulsed followed by judgement. "How dare they. They should be ashamed!"

But do we ever stop to think that maybe their reaching out is a symptom of a deeper problem in their marriage? Maybe they're unhappy for some reason and they have been for a long time.

Maybe the countless people we interact with every day have a lot going on. I'm pretty sure I've met people who were just one unkind glance away from going over the edge. I guess we don't know what people are going through; their pain and torment.

Or maybe they're just cheaters.

Who knows...

To be perfectly fair, I think often things start with just wanting someone to talk to or process stuff with and then you choose the wrong person to discuss the matter with and in discussing things end up connecting, and then the whole hitting on takes place which is a much more difficult situation.

So if you're having marriage problems don't discuss them one on one with a member of the opposite sex. And if someone tries to do so with you, help them find a better avenue to get help before wanting to be nice and supportive gets you into a mess.

@Lanolin -- I did spend a considerable number of years in the Lutheran church. It gave me a solid Scriptural background and I'm grateful for that. I've been part of a few different denominations over the years, and each has had its pros and cons, so no, I am most definitely not trying to point any fingers at any particular group here. From my observations, it happens across the board.

@Runningman -- I understand what you're saying. I've often felt that married people who are lonely must have it even worse than those who are single and lonely, and it seems like there are a lot of lonely married people. In the past, I have been friends with married women who wanted me to spend every waking minute with them and their children because of how lonely they were in their marriages. Kudos to you for your sense of compassion.

I agree that it's very important to extend understanding to others... But it does seem, as @cinder mentioned, that many times, people seem to start out on the wrong foot by making the "innocent" decision to start talking to the wrong people (single and of opposite gender) about the details of their married lives -- especially online. I used to spend a lot of time in general chats, and men would often start talking to me about their personal problems regarding the woman they were currently with, which usually turned into them saying that things weren't working out, with strong implications -- or flat-out statements -- that they were looking for a replacement and are now taking applications. And this is NOT a cut towards men at all, as I know my guy friends have been approached in the same manner by women as well.

I am certainly not trying to judge, condemn, or villify anyone, most especially married Christians, in any way.

But at the same time, I'm frustrated with the general thought that Christian Singles (at least in my own experience) constantly need to be reprimanded for their assumed hard-partying, pick-up-anyone-every weekend lives, which many of us don't actually do, and in fact, have spent considerable time dodging other people who ARE attached, but seem to think for some reason that we are fair game.

 

[BenFTW]

But at the same time, I'm frustrated with the general thought that Christian Singles (at least in my own experience) constantly need to be reprimanded for their assumed hard-partying, pick-up-anyone-every weekend lives, which many of us don't actually do, and in fact, have spent considerable time dodging other people who ARE attached, but seem to think for some reason that we are fair game.

I’m with @someguyfrommars and @Lanolin

This description seems so out there. 😅 In what church are people, as a whole, generally viewing singles in this fashion? If such a church existed, these people seem to be judgmental and of a legalistic nature, lacking love and in need of maturity.

@seoulsearch What is the justification for this perspective, respectfully? Do you have examples? I feel like there is a story behind this notion you hold.

Thank you if you care to respond. To me, it sounds almost outlandish! Like, it sounds like such a bizarre perspective.

 

[seoulsearch]

I’m with @someguyfrommars and @Lanolin

This description seems so out there. 😅 In what church are people, as a whole, generally viewing singles in this fashion? If such a church existed, these people seem to be judgmental and of a legalistic nature, lacking love and in need of maturity.

@seoulsearch What is the justification for this perspective, respectfully? Do you have examples? I feel like there is a story behind this notion you hold.

Thank you if you care to respond. To me, it sounds almost outlandish! Like, it sounds like such a bizarre perspective.

Hi Ben, and for anyone else who sees this thread as being somewhat irrelevant, I completely understand if none of this applies to you, I'm glad you've stated your point of view.

However, I would just like to caution that just because you personally have never seen or heard of something happening, it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. This is only what I have observed, and not because people have held up big banners or signs saying that this is what the entire church believes.

Most of the things I write about are based on individual experiences, both my own and those of other single women who were speaking in confidentiality to other women about what they were going through, both in real life, and online. I haven't talked to as many single men, so I'm not sure what their experiences have been.

I am also wondering if being a part of different churches and mingling with several different congregations might also have something to do with it (seeing how different people with different beliefs respond to different groups, etc.)

I don't want to go into this in depth, but due to certain factors in my life, I have moved a lot, and have been to, or been part of several churches. I was trying to count in my head and I can think of 7 where I was planted for at least a year at a time, and each time I moved, I would check out an average of 2-6 churches, sometimes several times, before I found one I felt I was suppose to stay with.

I could be wrong about this, but I would suspect that if someone has been at the same church for many years, or a lifetime, they may not have ever experienced, seen, or heard any of these things.

I would also guess, and again, maybe I'm wrong about this, that this is also something that has been experienced by more young single women in the church than men, and from my observation, the women who experience it are not going around telling people, because they are afraid of being blamed for doing something wrong.

But that's why threads likes these exist -- to talk about the different experiences people have had, and maybe even make those who have never heard of a particular situation more aware that it happens.

 

[seoulsearch]

I should also add another disclaimer -- when I was writing this thread, I was thinking of singles who have, IN GENERAL, been hit on by people who were married or attached, NOT specifically or exclusively in the church. I am NOT in any way trying to paint churches as predatory places, though I do urge caution in any situation.

But I am NOT saying that singles get in on by married people specifically in the church, but rather, asking has it happened to them throughout their life, whether at work, social gatherings, etc.

I hope this clears up some confusion and I'm sorry for not clarifying that.

I was trying to make the contrast between the fact that it seems like whenever a single Christian person expresses an interest in dating, there is almost always a pushback that seems to assume that they are wanting to do or are already doing something wrong, such as going to bars to pick up random dates to take home.

One of the major reasons I wrote this thread was to ask, "What about when singles aren't doing anything wrong, but just going about their lives and having to dodge inappropriate behavior from others?"

 

[Treeboy]

Ive been hit on at least 2x by married women. One was contemplating divorce and looking for options. Her husband does not go to church. The other i attended another church with a friend. A woman around my age sat next to me and the church is not my style they had a lot of outgoing behavior. And i could have been confused but i was sure she was using the opportunity to talk as making a pass at me.

Then the next week i had shaved facial hair wearing ball cap different clothes and i see her at the grocery store. She made some small talk as i walked by she obviously didnt recognize me. Definitely fishing for a replacment.

 

[someguyfrommars]

One of the major reasons I wrote this thread was to ask, "What about when singles aren't doing anything wrong, but just going about their lives and having to dodge inappropriate behavior from others?"

Your point is VERY well said in that each single persons experience is going to be different, in the same manner that each church is different. I am a lifelong single male, and no I have not been hit on by married women, whether at church or other social settings. That being said, 'inappropriate behavior' as you suggest can come in many different forms.

For example, and this happened some time ago, but I once met one on one with a pastor at a church I had started attending. The first words out of his mouth (laced with contempt) were 'women do not like you'.

Reason I mention this is that 'marginalizing' or even 'harassing' behavior towards singles comes in different forms, not just in terms of being 'hit on' by married individuals.

In my opinion, the church experience (whether married or single) should base itself around what I like to refer to as the 'one another's':

Hebrews 3:13: encourage 'one another' daily

Galatians 5:13: serve 'one another' in love

Ephesians 4:32: 'be kind and compassionate to 'one another'

Church leadership needs to take the type of servant based mentality and be the first to set this type of example, again whether towards married or single individuals.

 

[seoulsearch]

Ive been hit on at least 2x by married women. One was contemplating divorce and looking for options. Her husband does not go to church.

Thank you for bringing up this point.

I have not experienced it personally, but have heard of people who are married to unbelievers or someone they feel "doesn't believe enough," and so part of their attendance at church (or Christian websites) becomes a lookout for a "more Christian" spouse.

I am not trying to condemn anyone -- I'm sure they do so out of extreme loneliness and brokenness -- but this definitely happens, and is something to be aware of.

Thank you for your post!

Your point is VERY well said in that each single persons experience is going to be different, in the same manner that each church is different. I am a lifelong single male, and no I have not been hit on by married women, whether at church or other social settings. That being said, 'inappropriate behavior' as you suggest can come in many different forms.

For example, and this happened some time ago, but I once met one on one with a pastor at a church I had started attending. The first words out of his mouth (laced with contempt) were 'women do not like you'.

Reason I mention this is that 'marginalizing' or even 'harassing' behavior towards singles comes in different forms, not just in terms of being 'hit on' by married individuals.

In my opinion, the church experience (whether married or single) should base itself around what I like to refer to as the 'one another's':

Hebrews 3:13: encourage 'one another' daily

Galatians 5:13: serve 'one another' in love

Ephesians 4:32: 'be kind and compassionate to 'one another'

Church leadership needs to take the type of servant based mentality and be the first to set this type of example, again whether towards married or single individuals.

This was an excellent post, thank you!

Many times I am contemplating a subject for discussion, but I'm not sure how to articulate everything I want to put into words. Thank you for expressing something in a much better way than I was able to write out.

Thank you for pointing out that inappropriate behavior can show itself in a myriad of different ways, and not just the ones that were originally described.

Although I have invited people to church in the past and will continue to do so, I don't feel a strong calling towards evangelism. Rather, the pull in my heart is always towards the real-life challenges people face WITHIN the church.

My thoughts are always centered around, "Welcome to the body of Christ! Now that you're here, let's talk about and help prepare you for the challenges you are going to face as a Christian, most especially within the Christian community itself."

 

[seoulsearch]

@seoulsearch What is the justification for this perspective, respectfully? Do you have examples? I feel like there is a story behind this notion you hold.

Thank you if you care to respond. To me, it sounds almost outlandish! Like, it sounds like such a bizarre perspective.

Hi Ben,

I was thinking about the request you made in your post, asking me to justify my perspective.

I was watching a video based in another country in which everyone around her had only seen and heard of brown eyes. If you had told them that blue eyes existed, I'm guessing they would have said something similar as what you are saying to me: "I've never seen or heard of such a thing! How can you justify thinking that blue eyes exist?"(The clip was actually about a woman with blue eyes who came to live in this community, and her husband, as well as all of the villagers, shunned her and her daughters, who were born with blue eyes.)

In a similar manner, if this is a subject you've never seen or heard of, I don't see how I can provide enough "proof" for you to believe that it exists -- and happily, maybe in your experience, it doesn't.

Ironically, I consider myself to be an extreme introvert, but (and maybe it's because of it,) I do find that many people will just start talking to me, often about the deepest aspects of their lives. People often talk to me about the things they aren't talking to anyone else about -- certainly not because there's anything special about me -- but I just try to listen and be a compassionate ear.

I was thinking of how many churches I have been a long-term part of in the past (which, to me, is more than a year,) and I had actually forgotten a few. I'd say there were at least 10 churches in my past in which I got to know people and talk to them about the things they had seen and experienced. Some of the denominations I've spent considerable time around include Lutheran, Baptist, Methodist, Assemblies of God, and non-denominational. I have also attended a few services with friends from different systems (Catholic and Jehovah's Witness) because I was interested in learning more about their beliefs first-hand, and their differences from my own personal beliefs.

I'm not someone who is trying to "shop for a different church"; I just had situations in my life that required living in different areas in which I had to find a new church to attend in each location.

Many of the topics I write about are drawn from a combination of my own experience and that of others as have been told to me throughout my Christian journey.

What has your own experience been like? Do you get a lot of exposure to different people, congregations, denominations, etc.? This might be irrelevant but I know it's a big part of why I have such a wide variety of perspectives. I do think that you might be less familiar with these things if one has been a part of the same church for their entire life and/or if the church is very small (not that these things couldn't happen there, of course, but I'm guessing are less likely to.)

I'm sorry if that's not enough of a "justification" for writing such a thread, but it was something on my heart that I felt was important to talk about.

I also frequently write threads and posts with the "silent observer" in mind -- the person who is nodding in familiarity as they read along, but is usually more private and might not be sharing their thoughts publicly.

 

[Lanolin]

Hi seoul
thanks for clarifying.
In church, it happened only rarely, outside of church circles, it happens often.

Church is a safe place for me.
If something like that happens IN church I warn others and leave. I remember going to one bible study, It was a mixed one, and one guy in it, a newish believer was harassing me and always wanting to ask me out, even though he was supposedly going out with this girl who ALSO came to the bible study.

I said the the hosts, this guy is harassing me. Im not going to come anymore if he keeps doing this. some people dont take NO for an answer.

They had words with him, and also he stopped going to that particular meeting. He seemed to have some developmental issues, like autism or something.

The only other incident I recall was in this christian writers meeting. There was an older widowed guy who was a really lovely christian guy and he wrote lots of poetry etc. One day he turned up at the meeting and took along his new girlfriend. It seems they were newly going out. So we thought she was a christian too, as she did some writing and it seemed they were happy to be together.

Ok so the rest of us in the group were ladies and often he was the only guy. He was like a brother to us. One of the ladies in the group was moving house and needed help and so I asked around for everyone to see if we could lend a hand. she was single. I am not sure why this lady was always asking others to help her and couldnt be bothered ringing around herself. Anyway I called him as he was kind of close by to see if he could lend a hand. He agreed. But then wow did I get a HUGE earful from his 'girlfriend', who called me and said I was an idiot for asking and didnt I know he had a bad back and I shouldnt be calling him. I dont even know how SHE got my number.

I was like um...ok. I went and helped this lady move anyway, but the guy soon broke up with this girlfriend afterward. we all thought she was way too possessive...I mean if he really didnt wanna help he could have just said or he had to be careful of his back or something. we all have to be careful not to strain ousrselves. Thats why people ask for others to help. I mean I could only lift a few things and did what little I could. But she made it into a huge deal like she was his wife already or something plus seemed like she was controlling access to his phone. I mean that was the only time I ever called him! I think he agreed or something and then called back and gave some excuse of why he couldnt come, and I thought nothing of it till getting abused by his so called girlfriend on the phone.

Im pretty sure that if you are in a fellowship or a church directory its ok to call someone to ask them something but its not like you join a fellowship and then have a little black book of numbers you can ask out on dates.

so thats my story of being like 'the other woman' lol.

 

[Lanolin]

outside of church, seems like it happens in workplaces because you go to work there everyday, but, many workplaces actually do have a harssment policy to protect workers. You can always go to HR if theres a problem.

Its nothing new or unusual though, in the Bible, Ruth needed protection from the other workers in the fields as she was single and Boaz didnt want others hitting on her. I dont think he was actually intending to hit on her himself so her Ruths mother in law was kinda like ok Ruth hes not going to make a move, you'll have to!