Son is engaging in self pleasure

[Jbwaters]

I have a teen son. Won’t share exact age for privacy reasons. I’m dad.

Of course I’ve given him “the talk” about puberty so he knows what to expect.

And I’ve talked about inappropriate images online. We have monitoring software on all devices he has access to and he’s not allowed to have those devices alone in his room. We explained it’s not to punish him but to protect him from the crazy stuff the world will push on him. It doesn’t seem to bother him.

We’ve also talked about marriage and God’s design for it. One man, one woman, forever. And how that’s the only place God approves of sexual expression. So of course he should wait.

I did briefly touch on the subject of masturbation one time about a year ago. I just explained how I didn’t see how it fit in God’s design as he intended sexual pleasure to be found in marriage and it’s for procreation and also for creating oneness with your spouse. It’s relational. Not just supposed to be enjoyed by yourself. And how lust almost always accompanies it. So it’s something we should try to avoid.

Well recently my wife walked in on him doing it. But she just barely opened the door and quickly left as soon as she saw. He was facing the other way and also he has a bit of a hearing impairment so she is 90% sure he never noticed her.

She says I need to have another little chat with him. She agrees not to shame him. Probably don’t even mention what we saw. But she feels sexual sin is serious and maybe I need to push a little more and remind him it’s sin and offer help if he’s struggling with it.

I really don’t want to say anything. He’s not watching porn as he’s not allowed devices in his room. Every male has done it. That’s not to say go crazy with it but it’s not uncommon for an adolescent to discover how his body works.

I’ve read some 80% of even Christians have had sex before marriage. I’d much rather him manage his hormones and overwhelming urges in private than with someone.

I feel on this issue we should be more graceful. We’ve said our part. He knows the truth. His faith needs to be his own. I feel harping on this issue is only going to push him away from us and harm our relationship.

He’s a good Christian otherwise and a bit of a sensitive kid so I don’t want him having a lot of guilt and shame over this common thing and spending his teen years fighting and failing resisting this and then feeling terrible about himself and the urges he was given. His body and urges aren’t bad, they are God given.

I feel avoiding porn, premarital sex, and having a bit of self control are the bigger issues we should focus on. Thoughts?

 

[tourist]

My thoughts are that most boys go through this and come out OK.

Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.

 

[Burn1986]

I have a teen son. Won’t share exact age for privacy reasons. I’m dad.

Of course I’ve given him “the talk” about puberty so he knows what to expect.

And I’ve talked about inappropriate images online. We have monitoring software on all devices he has access to and he’s not allowed to have those devices alone in his room. We explained it’s not to punish him but to protect him from the crazy stuff the world will push on him. It doesn’t seem to bother him.

We’ve also talked about marriage and God’s design for it. One man, one woman, forever. And how that’s the only place God approves of sexual expression. So of course he should wait.

I did briefly touch on the subject of masturbation one time about a year ago. I just explained how I didn’t see how it fit in God’s design as he intended sexual pleasure to be found in marriage and it’s for procreation and also for creating oneness with your spouse. It’s relational. Not just supposed to be enjoyed by yourself. And how lust almost always accompanies it. So it’s something we should try to avoid.

Well recently my wife walked in on him doing it. But she just barely opened the door and quickly left as soon as she saw. He was facing the other way and also he has a bit of a hearing impairment so she is 90% sure he never noticed her.

She says I need to have another little chat with him. She agrees not to shame him. Probably don’t even mention what we saw. But she feels sexual sin is serious and maybe I need to push a little more and remind him it’s sin and offer help if he’s struggling with it.

I really don’t want to say anything. He’s not watching porn as he’s not allowed devices in his room. Every male has done it. That’s not to say go crazy with it but it’s not uncommon for an adolescent to discover how his body works.

I’ve read some 80% of even Christians have had sex before marriage. I’d much rather him manage his hormones and overwhelming urges in private than with someone.

I feel on this issue we should be more graceful. We’ve said our part. He knows the truth. His faith needs to be his own. I feel harping on this issue is only going to push him away from us and harm our relationship.

He’s a good Christian otherwise and a bit of a sensitive kid so I don’t want him having a lot of guilt and shame over this common thing and spending his teen years fighting and failing resisting this and then feeling terrible about himself and the urges he was given. His body and urges aren’t bad, they are God given.

I feel avoiding porn, premarital sex, and having a bit of self control are the bigger issues we should focus on. Thoughts?

Whew man, tough one. James Dobson Focus on the Family had some really good insight on this. When you pray for him each day, pray that God will give him a repulsion of sin, and Godly cravings and appetites. Then ask God to give you a peace about what to say to him. I wish I had more.

 

[OMC]

I have a teen son. Won’t share exact age for privacy reasons. I’m dad.

Of course I’ve given him “the talk” about puberty so he knows what to expect.

And I’ve talked about inappropriate images online. We have monitoring software on all devices he has access to and he’s not allowed to have those devices alone in his room. We explained it’s not to punish him but to protect him from the crazy stuff the world will push on him. It doesn’t seem to bother him.

We’ve also talked about marriage and God’s design for it. One man, one woman, forever. And how that’s the only place God approves of sexual expression. So of course he should wait.

I did briefly touch on the subject of masturbation one time about a year ago. I just explained how I didn’t see how it fit in God’s design as he intended sexual pleasure to be found in marriage and it’s for procreation and also for creating oneness with your spouse. It’s relational. Not just supposed to be enjoyed by yourself. And how lust almost always accompanies it. So it’s something we should try to avoid.

Well recently my wife walked in on him doing it. But she just barely opened the door and quickly left as soon as she saw. He was facing the other way and also he has a bit of a hearing impairment so she is 90% sure he never noticed her.

She says I need to have another little chat with him. She agrees not to shame him. Probably don’t even mention what we saw. But she feels sexual sin is serious and maybe I need to push a little more and remind him it’s sin and offer help if he’s struggling with it.

I really don’t want to say anything. He’s not watching porn as he’s not allowed devices in his room. Every male has done it. That’s not to say go crazy with it but it’s not uncommon for an adolescent to discover how his body works.

I’ve read some 80% of even Christians have had sex before marriage. I’d much rather him manage his hormones and overwhelming urges in private than with someone.

I feel on this issue we should be more graceful. We’ve said our part. He knows the truth. His faith needs to be his own. I feel harping on this issue is only going to push him away from us and harm our relationship.

He’s a good Christian otherwise and a bit of a sensitive kid so I don’t want him having a lot of guilt and shame over this common thing and spending his teen years fighting and failing resisting this and then feeling terrible about himself and the urges he was given. His body and urges aren’t bad, they are God given.

I feel avoiding porn, premarital sex, and having a bit of self control are the bigger issues we should focus on. Thoughts?

I think there is wisdom in distinguishing between conviction and surveillance.
Conviction comes from hearing God's truth and wrestling with it before God.
Surveillance can create the feeling that every struggle is being watched and evaluated.
Sensitive kids, especially, can internalize that in unhealthy ways.
From a Christian perspective, I would agree with you that the bigger dangers are pornography, sexual relationships outside marriage, habitual lust, and a lack of self-control.
Those things can shape a person's view of sexuality in profound ways.
A teenager discovering his body's sexual responses is not in the same category as developing a porn addiction or pursuing sexual activity with others.
That's not saying, "It's no big deal."
Rather, it's recognizing that sanctification often involves learning to manage desires that are real and powerful.
You already seem to have communicated that sexual desire itself is not evil.
That's important. Desire is God-given. The question is what we do with it.
If your son were coming to you confessing guilt, feeling trapped, or describing a compulsive pattern, then absolutely I'd encourage more discussion.
Likewise if there were signs of pornography use or escalating behavior.
But based on what you've described, he has not asked for help, has not been caught seeking inappropriate content, and apparently has not rejected what you've taught.
A possible middle ground is to say nothing specifically about this incident, but sometime in the future continue the broader conversation about sexual integrity, temptation, self-control, grace, repentance, and God's design for marriage.
Not because you caught him, but because those are ongoing discipleship topics every parent should revisit periodically.
That lets you reinforce truth without turning one private moment into a family event.
One thing I'd be especially careful about is connecting his normal adolescent sexual development with shame.
Guilt over sin can be productive.
Shame about being a sexual human being often is not.
A young man who learns that every sexual struggle makes him disappointing to his parents can end up hiding far more serious struggles later.
From what you've written, your son sounds fortunate.
He has parents who take sexual holiness seriously, but who also seem concerned about mercy, relationship, and his emotional well-being.
That's a healthier foundation than many teens get.
In your situation, I would probably not bring up the incident itself and would continue focusing on the larger issues of character, self-control, purity, and maintaining an open relationship where he knows he can come talk to you if he's struggling.