Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

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Even though I'm on a roll, sleep is more important.



Tomorrow, I knock out my Forensics class. :) Then, I start getting a jump start on my Veterinary Science. :D
 
Dear people of the world,



Do not ask for advice, for honest opinions, for me to "tell it like it is" and then get mad at me for what I say. It is childish and annoying. Just because I may bring up things you don't want to hear, doesn't mean that it wasn't said in love. If you choose the behavior, you choose the consequence.


I'm tired of the blaming culture we've accepted. It's stupid and selfish. No one makes you do anything, feel anything, say anything, be anything. It's you, kid. It's your choice. Grow up.
 
I'm not a nice person. Being able to fake a smile and pretend that I'm not hurt tends to build in and up. It shows in my negative nature. I want to be able to talk about it in person... But, I naturally put up this defensive wall to hide my frailty. To guard myself from everybody and anybody that chooses to get close. It's a guy thing to me. It's a mask that fits. But sooner or later, this mask of mine will crack and fall off. I am not happy with this lie. Especially when it hurts those that are actually close to me. Those that I actually want to love. One can't mix poison and water and expect a cure. I can't see in a positive light. Only because I've hidden the monster I am in a darkness that I chosen to follow. I can't pretend that this sin within myself is not there. I can't keep telling myself that it will be okay, when all I'm doing is bottling up my misery and trying to get by without anyone noticing. I wake up everyday in a constant reminder of how little I am to the world. Of how little I am to myself. I keep thinking that suicide might be a key or an answer that might solve this problem of mine. But causing more pain to the people I love will never be an answer. It won't end suffering in my family and friends... When I do forget about my pain, I'm fallen short. In my pride, I am no longer humble, and my mind and my mouth run a shallow dialog that can easily be compare to the other tongues of men. When I think I am right and or correct, I am only further away from the truth.
 
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Searching4Truth said:
I'm not a nice person. Being able to fake a smile and pretend that I'm not hurt tends to build in and up. It shows in my negative nature. I want to be able to talk about it in person... But, I naturally put up this defensive wall to hide my frailty. To guard myself from everybody and anybody that chooses to get close. It's a guy thing to me. It's a mask that fits. But sooner or later, this mask of mine will crack and fall off. I am not happy with this lie. Especially when it hurts those that are actually close to me. Those that I actually want to love. One can't mix poison and water and expect a cure. I can't see in a positive light. Only because I've hidden the monster I am in a darkness that I chosen to follow. I can't pretend that this sin within myself is not there. I can't keep telling myself that it will be okay, when all I'm doing is bottling up my misery and trying to get by without anyone noticing. I wake up everyday in a constant reminder of how little I am to the world. Of how little I am to myself. I keep thinking that suicide might be a key or an answer that might solve this problem of mine. But causing more pain to the people I love will never be an answer. It won't end suffering in my family and friends... When I do forget about my pain, I'm fallen short. In my pride, I am no longer humble, and my mind and my mouth run a shallow dialog that can easily be compare to the other tongues of men. When I think I am right and or correct, I am only further away from the truth.
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Whatever it is that's bothering you, surrender it to the Lord. I too often feel like my situation is hopeless and that no one sees or even cares about how much I'm hurting inside and I also think about what a relief it would be to just end it all rather than face what seems like a hopeless future. I'm learning to take life one day at a time for now and try to find joy in the simplest things. Counting one's blessings helps too. The bible says to be thankful in all circumstances. Now I know that sometimes that's not enough, or its just too painful to be thankful. Those are the times when I cry out to God and ask Him to speak to me through my bible and then I open it and almost every single time it opens to a scripture that addresses exactly what I'm going through and gives me encouragement that I need. I know that's an unconventional way to seek out God but it works for me.

In the meantime, know that sometimes we are called to walk with Jesus by experiencing lonely suffering just as he did as he made his way to Calvary (I know that's not scriptural-based but I believe its true anyway). There is a scripture that says we should not be afraid to suffer for Christ, and Jesus himself felt abandoned by God on the cross when he cried out "Father, why have you forsaken me!" In the end, his suffering brought about the greatest blessing mankind could ever have, and if we stay faithful in our suffering we too will be blessed. Just like Job was. God bless.
 
Searching4Truth said:
I'm not a nice person. Being able to fake a smile and pretend that I'm not hurt tends to build in and up. It shows in my negative nature. I want to be able to talk about it in person... But, I naturally put up this defensive wall to hide my frailty. To guard myself from everybody and anybody that chooses to get close. It's a guy thing to me. It's a mask that fits. But sooner or later, this mask of mine will crack and fall off. I am not happy with this lie. Especially when it hurts those that are actually close to me. Those that I actually want to love. One can't mix poison and water and expect a cure. I can't see in a positive light. Only because I've hidden the monster I am in a darkness that I chosen to follow. I can't pretend that this sin within myself is not there. I can't keep telling myself that it will be okay, when all I'm doing is bottling up my misery and trying to get by without anyone noticing. I wake up everyday in a constant reminder of how little I am to the world. Of how little I am to myself. I keep thinking that suicide might be a key or an answer that might solve this problem of mine. But causing more pain to the people I love will never be an answer. It won't end suffering in my family and friends... When I do forget about my pain, I'm fallen short. In my pride, I am no longer humble, and my mind and my mouth run a shallow dialog that can easily be compare to the other tongues of men. When I think I am right and or correct, I am only further away from the truth.
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Well dude...I have seen many of your posts. Seen lots of good advice given to you by fellow CC members.
When it comes down to it...it's all just words. Well wishes. Just text you see typed out on a screen from people who you may never meet one day. People can pray,hope,dream...tell you "hang in there",but you live in your skin every single day. I don't have to...no one else does. Period.
I know I have felt as hopeless as you. I know many of us in CC have. Even if some will never admit to the depths of their pain..or personal demons. The fact remains. We have. As Christians we tend to wanna cover it up. Not always out of denial,or because we want other's to see us in a positive light,but because we think that we're supposed to be this wonderful little creature now that we're saved. That if we admit from time to time (no matter how frequent or infrequent) that we are hurting deep inside,that somehow this negates what Jesus has done for us or maybe that we are slapping the gift of His grace & salvation in the face.

I don't know. All I know is this much. No matter how crappy thing's are. No matter how sad you feel. No matter what demon's still haunt you day to day. No matter how "unsaved" or unworthy you feel. No matter how badly you think killing yourself might solve anything. You just press on. You HAVE TO!
I don't care about how you've fallen short..or yer' pride...or how far away from the truth you feel in your heart that you've strayed...or even how far from God you think you are in your heart. That's how you feel...that's a FACT. It's not the TRUTH!
TWO DIFFERENT ANIMALS COMPLETELY!

I know you know all this. Just the fact you still ever bother to post here to me shows that you are not the monster you feel you are sometimes. I don't live your life. I have no idea the exact pain or sadness or anger you go through daily.
It's cliche to say this...but it's TRUTH...Jesus KNOWS...God KNOWS. That's pretty much all that matters,dude. He's the only one that can with 100% truth & love tell you..speak to you..look at you..and say "Yep...been there,done that,felt that,wanted to give up,felt anger..pain..betrayal...sadness & grief beyond anything you'd ever know...physical pain like no other...all of it!"
You mentioned in yer' first sentence that you were not a nice person. Because you are human & deal with the same insecurities,fears and pain the rest of us do? Then I guess none of us are nice either.
I'm sure I haven't said anything you haven't heard a million times before. I don't even know if you'll see this post. I just wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you. Not that thing's get all super-awesome in your life or that bad thing's never happen...just simply that in some way that God srsly shows you just how awesome you are & that to HIM & HIM alone YOU matter,and that all this junk you feel is just that...junk. Human debris that we all deal with. Stuff that Jesus has taken upon Himself for us and that we don't have to accept.

I like yer' posts. Even if yer' not a nice person. Don't kill yourself. That's stupid. You are NOT stupid. That much I can certainly tell about you.

Now..let's go get some coffee!:p
 
Oncefallen said:

Actually, this is what you did say.
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That wasn't a commandment to not respond, that was me observing that the post was such that they would read every word and wouldn't respond. But I was on drugs and thought my presentation was entirely riveting. Typical of someone consumed with pride. I've got a little scar from my fall a few hours ago, but I thank God for Him sparing my life.
 
I look better in 2d then I do in 3 d. I need.to get back to my previous weight. I can't stand this. I can't seem to get motivated. For now.I'm not fat I'm just big boned.
 
Ugh....It's not enough that flu makes you feel horrible. It makes you look and sound horrible too. :rolleyes: Even my workaholism is sick and doesn't want out today. I even had a flu shot. I want my money back. Maybe it's not the flu. Whatever it is, I do not like it.

BUT... I am thankful for warm jammies, a big fluffy quilt, a full box of Kleenex, a jar of Vick's and HGTV playing in the background to give me decorating ideas for when I'm feeling better. :) And maybe a hot shower later. And a cup of hot cocoa.

Then again, I might be dead and just don't know it yet.........

flu.png

P.S. - No, that is not me. She looks far better than I do right now. :)
 
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Jules! Noooo! No dying allowed...
Because if you've died, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Hope you feel better soon!
 
Jullianna said:
Ugh....It's not enough that flu makes you feel horrible. It makes you look and sound horrible too. :rolleyes: Even my workaholism is sick and doesn't want out today. I even had a flu shot. I want my money back. Maybe it's not the flu. Whatever it is, I do not like it.

BUT... I am thankful for warm jammies, a big fluffy quilt, a full box of Kleenex, a jar of Vick's and HGTV playing in the background to give me decorating ideas for when I'm feeling better. :) And maybe a hot shower later. And a cup of hot cocoa.

Then again, I might be dead and just don't know it yet.........

View attachment 70072

P.S. - No, that is not me. She looks far better than I do right now. :)
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getwell4.gif
 
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