I'm not a nice person. Being able to fake a smile and pretend that I'm not hurt tends to build in and up. It shows in my negative nature. I want to be able to talk about it in person... But, I naturally put up this defensive wall to hide my frailty. To guard myself from everybody and anybody that chooses to get close. It's a guy thing to me. It's a mask that fits. But sooner or later, this mask of mine will crack and fall off. I am not happy with this lie. Especially when it hurts those that are actually close to me. Those that I actually want to love. One can't mix poison and water and expect a cure. I can't see in a positive light. Only because I've hidden the monster I am in a darkness that I chosen to follow. I can't pretend that this sin within myself is not there. I can't keep telling myself that it will be okay, when all I'm doing is bottling up my misery and trying to get by without anyone noticing. I wake up everyday in a constant reminder of how little I am to the world. Of how little I am to myself. I keep thinking that suicide might be a key or an answer that might solve this problem of mine. But causing more pain to the people I love will never be an answer. It won't end suffering in my family and friends... When I do forget about my pain, I'm fallen short. In my pride, I am no longer humble, and my mind and my mouth run a shallow dialog that can easily be compare to the other tongues of men. When I think I am right and or correct, I am only further away from the truth.
Well dude...I have seen many of your posts. Seen lots of good advice given to you by fellow CC members.
When it comes down to it...it's all just words. Well wishes. Just text you see typed out on a screen from people who you may never meet one day. People can pray,hope,dream...tell you "hang in there",but you live in your skin every single day. I don't have to...no one else does. Period.
I know I have felt as hopeless as you. I know many of us in CC have. Even if some will never admit to the depths of their pain..or personal demons. The fact remains. We have. As Christians we tend to wanna cover it up. Not always out of denial,or because we want other's to see us in a positive light,but because we think that we're supposed to be this wonderful little creature now that we're saved. That if we admit from time to time (no matter how frequent or infrequent) that we are hurting deep inside,that somehow this negates what Jesus has done for us or maybe that we are slapping the gift of His grace & salvation in the face.
I don't know. All I know is this much. No matter how crappy thing's are. No matter how sad you feel. No matter what demon's still haunt you day to day. No matter how "unsaved" or unworthy you feel. No matter how badly you think killing yourself might solve anything. You just press on. You HAVE TO!
I don't care about how you've fallen short..or yer' pride...or how far away from the truth you feel in your heart that you've strayed...or even how far from God you think you are in your heart. That's how you feel...that's a FACT. It's not the TRUTH!
TWO DIFFERENT ANIMALS COMPLETELY!
I know you know all this. Just the fact you still ever bother to post here to me shows that you are not the monster you feel you are sometimes. I don't live your life. I have no idea the exact pain or sadness or anger you go through daily.
It's cliche to say this...but it's TRUTH...Jesus KNOWS...God KNOWS. That's pretty much all that matters,dude. He's the only one that can with 100% truth & love tell you..speak to you..look at you..and say "Yep...been there,done that,felt that,wanted to give up,felt anger..pain..betrayal...sadness & grief beyond anything you'd ever know...physical pain like no other...all of it!"
You mentioned in yer' first sentence that you were not a nice person. Because you are human & deal with the same insecurities,fears and pain the rest of us do? Then I guess none of us are nice either.
I'm sure I haven't said anything you haven't heard a million times before. I don't even know if you'll see this post. I just wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you. Not that thing's get all super-awesome in your life or that bad thing's never happen...just simply that in some way that God srsly shows you just how awesome you are & that to HIM & HIM alone YOU matter,and that all this junk you feel is just that...junk. Human debris that we all deal with. Stuff that Jesus has taken upon Himself for us and that we don't have to accept.
I like yer' posts. Even if yer' not a nice person. Don't kill yourself. That's stupid. You are NOT stupid. That much I can certainly tell about you.
Now..let's go get some coffee!