I have been struggling with chronic (24/7) severe neck and back pain.
i have been dealing with it for almost two years.
I have seen doctor after doctor with no help.
Many have told me they can do nothing.
My medication messes with my life almost as much as the pain does.
Do you know what it's like? To stay up so late because to try to sleep means to think about what has happened?
To stay up so late until your eyes droop.
Because to entertain thoughts is to entertain darkness.
To be afraid of your own mind?
To be scared of what you might dream up?
To beg for unconsciousness to overtake you.
Because in dreams, there is no pain.
No hurt.
No sorrow.
No darkness.
Please pray for me.
Sadly I can relate and it deeply troubles my soul to know in a sense how you feel.
I was in a car accident at 19 years old and been struggling with back pain ever sense. I have spent so much money with Dr visits and chiropractic care. All would tell me the same thing, " we cant find the problem." I have spent hours in so much pain i couldn't move without my back spasms to shoot pain down the sciatic nerve. I was really active and loved to exercise or just be active outdoors. Now I have to think through everything I do just so I possibly wont hurt myself.
Of course this was the physical side of things. I have few good days, many bad days, and few severe days thank goodness or else i would be paralyzed.
The mental side of the house has probably been the hardest thing. My anxiety would worry all the time about will i be able to keep working in a year, 5 years, 10 years? Or will i be able to play with my small children as in active stuff? Will i be a burden on my wife? Will i never be able to run again?
On and on my mind would keep me in the cycle of fear and unknown.
I have struggled through depression, anger, and sorrow. It took years of me trying to hold on to my old life while repressing my new one.
I didn't want to except it so I stayed in self denial of who I had become. I stayed in sorrow for so long. I became a hollow shell, the world was turning from color to gray. I had lost my purpose and confidence in my life. That day stole my youth in a sense.
I struggle with pain management trying to only take medication when it gets aggravated real bad.
Now thats where I had remained for so long. My wife who knew a funny happy kid was now married to the hollow shell of that kid who no longer lived in a happy world.
God became the only one I could cry out to who I knew was my only hope. God became my friend. God became my crutch, my love, my Father, God became the holder of my tears.
I called myself a Christian for so long before this and only remained a child in understanding who God was. This journey of pain has made me no longer fear death. This journey has taught me I cant control everything like my anxiety wants me to. I have grown tremendously in my relationship with Christ due to my pain, anxiety, and panic attacks.
God helped me see my calling and gave me a new purpose in life. I no longer felt useless or damaged. God helped me except the new me and move on. I find more joy in my pains now knowing I have a friend and a warrior, encouraging and fighting for me. I have been called the same as many others to preach truth and be the light. That light at first had to be uncovered within me. And God brought forth the light in such glory I could no longer hold it in.
My purpose became a mission. My death brings freedom but my mission is to save all who will listen to the very gospel that saves me.
A few months ago I had a epidural put in my spine to ease the pain. Because they didnt recommend surgery sense they couldn't pin point a problem.
In fact this experience is under my signature testimony Led into the Storm. But anyways this procedure has gave me some movement back and I have less bad days but still weak and easily aggravated. The nerve pain has eased up some and only gets real bad once i aggravate it.
I had hope and God brought me this hope. It may only last a few more weeks but I have accepted that. I have accepted no matter what I cannot live as a zombie mindless emotionless body stuck in my mind focusing on the pain, regret and self sorrow.
I was a dead man walking who gave up on hope.
God gives me hope forever and ever amen.
So sorry you are hurting I pray you find the same hope I found. Hope for healing but also a purpose for your current life. I had to start letting people help me which aggravated me but once I accepted my life. I accepted needing help. I no longer hide it or try to be the old me. I had to uproot that pride and allow others to serve me.
