Struggle with finding the right (anyone actually) one.

[jsr1221]

Dont people meet in the grocery store anymore? Why do we almost insist on "on-line" stuff? I'm not in a position to meet someone local, but that is by my own doing and I could change that if i wanted to. But right now, I don't think God wants me anywhere near a relationship so im just chilln. LOL

My girlfriend's mom met her husband on a Christian dating site and they've been married since 2008. Although I myself am hesitant in "paying money to find God's match" if you will, it does work.

 

[coby]

My girlfriend's mom met her husband on a Christian dating site and they've been married since 2008. Although I myself am hesitant in "paying money to find God's match" if you will, it does work.

Yes it can work, but it's weird that it has to. Met my ex in church. Year ago I went to a free international dating site a few days, met some nice Nigerian princes, saw a guy from Holland. Hey he looks nice. Hey wait that's that guy that's been visiting our church lately. Everyone goes to datingsites nowadays.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

suddenly they hate you and think you a creeper, and say you don't know them, and say they don't want you, and say all sorts of stuff. At least that's how it seems with the Christian women.

I must gently suggest that if this is happening, there may be some other issue involved.

 

[GodIsSalvation]

I must gently suggest that if this is happening, there may be some other issue involved.

Well that vagueness helps no one. How about sincerity and truth?

 

[coby]

My ex wanted a wife. He said: Lord I want a wife now, otherwise I stay single the rest of my life. Reconciliation for us would have been sin btw then. I prayed for him too. He went to a dating site the next day to delete his account and saw all of a sudden the perfect woman, on fire for God. Her niece just made a profile for her. She's from Brazil, he didn't limit it like most guys here do, to: she has to live around the corner. He was a 56 year old single dad with 3 kids, who has to stay here because of coparenting with me, only debts, no job.
Just pray and believe and go where He tells you. He prayed for singles last sunday, but I don't go anywhere unless God specifically tells me to. Don't even know if I want to marry again.

 

[Sirk]

In relationship you have the entry phase: You get high performance, emphasized benefits and minimized deficits, high grace, plans for future and high vulnerability.

In the maintenance development phase you get: roles defines, conflict management style established, personality synchronization and vulnerability stabilization.

In the exit phase you get: low performance, emphasized deficits, minimized benefits, high judgment, fantasy about escape plans and no vulnerability.

This is all what I learned from my counselor. He has this copyrighted. It is true in all relationships. With your church, your friends, your family members etc etc.


The funny thing is that from front to back.... it is all pretty much driven by selfishness.

 

[coby]

And on Facebook I follow people who are getting the harvest in here, they go to the street and meet on Facebook, christian groups there. One after the other gets married. One woman, single mom with 3 kids, she just asked one who got saved 3 years ago and used to be an atheist drugaddict. They married last year.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Well that vagueness helps no one. How about sincerity and truth?

Well, I was mostly just joking.

However, if various women have a habit of telling someone that they are a creeper, or to get away from them, or other negative comments like that, it could be a clue that the guy this is directed toward is unintentionally sending out signals that are socially unaccepted. So the key is to find out what those signals are, and work to correct them.

Or, it could be that the guy is becoming attached too quickly, not guarding himself closely enough emotionally, etc. Which causes an imbalance of one-sided investment that could frighten a woman off and hurt a man. A whole slew of things could be happening under the surface that the guy doesn't realize. If you really would like to know why Christian women seem to be responding in this way, share some specific examples of times when women have said these things, and maybe we can help figure it out.

 

[kaylagrl]

In relationship you have the entry phase: You get high performance, emphasized benefits and minimized deficits, high grace, plans for future and high vulnerability.

In the maintenance development phase you get: roles defines, conflict management style established, personality synchronization and vulnerability stabilization.

In the exit phase you get: low performance, emphasized deficits, minimized benefits, high judgment, fantasy about escape plans and no vulnerability.

This is all what I learned from my counselor. He has this copyrighted. It is true in all relationships. With your church, your friends, your family members etc etc.


The funny thing is that from front to back.... it is all pretty much driven by selfishness.

He feels there's always an exit stage?

 

[coby]

Well that vagueness helps no one. How about sincerity and truth?

I'm gonna set up a marriage thing here. Pm me who you like, if I find 2 matches I can pm you both back. Noone has to be called a creeper and noone will know.
And all of this just for 400 dollar hahahahahahaha.

 

[Sirk]

He feels there's always an exit stage?

Not that there always is but it is very common. People are really terrible about navigating relationships and he sees so much of this that it is really pretty normal today...esp in marriage. I'm actually in an exit phase with my church and in an entry phase possibly with a new one. I'm not angry or bitter but am actually very clear headed about it. There isn't any toxicity just that it might be time for me to move on and I am exploring that. He challenges me with this kind of stuff to make sure that I am not doing things for the wrong reasons or not "leaving well".

 

[GodIsSalvation]

Well, I was mostly just joking.

However, if various women have a habit of telling someone that they are a creeper, or to get away from them, or other negative comments like that, it could be a clue that the guy this is directed toward is unintentionally sending out signals that are socially unaccepted. So the key is to find out what those signals are, and work to correct them.

Or, it could be that the guy is becoming attached too quickly, not guarding himself closely enough emotionally, etc. Which causes an imbalance of one-sided investment that could frighten a woman off and hurt a man. A whole slew of things could be happening under the surface that the guy doesn't realize. If you really would like to know why Christian women seem to be responding in this way, share some specific examples of times when women have said these things, and maybe we can help figure it out.

Now that is much more helpful! Really helpful actually. Only problem then is it seems like a guy has to be a liar to send out them "correct signals" ("playing tha game" if you will) to attract a woman, and of course a truly Christian man can't do that, because for one that's lying and two that's what the non-Christian men do. It's true though the non-Christian men succeed with such tactics, but then that's only if you measure success by hooking up. In my opinion success is measured in staying together because you only get one shot to the top, remarriage is not an option for a Christian.

 

[GodIsSalvation]

I'm gonna set up a marriage thing here. Pm me who you like, if I find 2 matches I can pm you both back. Noone has to be called a creeper and noone will know.
And all of this just for 400 dollar hahahahahahaha.

Lol don't do money stuff online, guess I'm still out of luck then lol. Though you're pretty smart lady coby, who do you think be some good matches for Sir Monnkai? He's a nice shy guy whom is very creative and sincere from what I know (sorry bro not trying to embarrass you lol.)

 

[kaylagrl]

Not that there always is but it is very common. People are really terrible about navigating relationships and he sees so much of this that it is really pretty normal today...esp in marriage. I'm actually in an exit phase with my church and in an entry phase possibly with a new one. I'm not angry or bitter but am actually very clear headed about it. There isn't any toxicity just that it might be time for me to move on and I am exploring that. He challenges me with this kind of stuff to make sure that I am not doing things for the wrong reasons or not "leaving well".

Do you think the church really doesn't deal with relationships? I dont think the church does much in the way of helping marriages. If you are having trouble in your marriage who do you turn to? A pastor? He and his wife,a Christian counselor? I knew a Christian pastor that gave such bad advice he almost caused a divorce. He said he had some teaching as far as counseling but he really had no clue. He made the issue worse. Really I dont see that the church handles marriage issues well. You're pretty much on your own if you run into any serious issues.

 

[GodIsSalvation]

Do you think the church really doesn't deal with relationships? I dont think the church does much in the way of helping marriages. If you are having trouble in your marriage who do you turn to? A pastor? He and his wife,a Christian counselor? I knew a Christian pastor that gave such bad advice he almost caused a divorce. He said he had some teaching as far as counseling but he really had no clue. He made the issue worse. Really I dont see that the church handles marriage issues well. You're pretty much on your own if you run into any serious issues.

I agree with you. Personally I have thought for a while the churches of stone are rather a big part of the problem. They never help singles get together, but they're always there with their miscounseling to rip couples apart it seems to me. I think most marriage issues it be better for the couple to work their problems out betwixt themselves rather than defer to these crooked churches.

 

[Sirk]

Do you think the church really doesn't deal with relationships? I dont think the church does much in the way of helping marriages. If you are having trouble in your marriage who do you turn to? A pastor? He and his wife,a Christian counselor? I knew a Christian pastor that gave such bad advice he almost caused a divorce. He said he had some teaching as far as counseling but he really had no clue. He made the issue worse. Really I dont see that the church handles marriage issues well. You're pretty much on your own if you run into any serious issues.

Honestly...in most cases I think marriage counseling is way above the churches pay grade and they do more damage than good. Not because they don't have good intentions but it makes people feel trapped by some unspoken rule. I think much of marriage counseling from the church creates more confusion. But I could be biased too. My experience left me wanting.

 

[Sirk]

The unspoken message from church counseling is: you must stay together. God says so....etc etc. It puts added pressure and it adds to the confusion of an already confusing situation. Plus...they tend to hold one or the other more accountable or more responsible for the failure...which sometimes is true but more often than not....both share equal responsibility.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Now that is much more helpful! Really helpful actually. Only problem then is it seems like a guy has to be a liar to send out them "correct signals" ("playing tha game" if you will) to attract a woman, and of course a truly Christian man can't do that, because for one that's lying and two that's what the non-Christian men do. It's true though the non-Christian men succeed with such tactics, but then that's only if you measure success by hooking up. In my opinion success is measured in staying together because you only get one shot to the top, remarriage is not an option for a Christian.

Well, there is being dishonest (which is bad) and tempering yourself (which is good).

I'll give you an example. I dated a very good Christian man several years ago. We only went out a few times. The reason being that he was really really ready for a relationship, while I just wanted to take my time getting to know him. I was unsure about relationships in general, and wanted to be very careful. He was talking about how much he liked me, how perfect it might be, and even possibilities of marriage - on the very first date. (We had been corresponding before the date, so it wasn't totally out of the blue, but still way too soon.)

He was MUCH more invested than I was, and that scared me half to death. I felt like I didn't have any time to get to know him or even decide if a relationship would work out, because suddenly I was faced with whether or not we should marry! I instantly backed up and friendzoned him, because I feared getting in too deep too soon, and either feeling pressured into a deeper, more committed relationship than I was ready for, or hurting him terribly when I called it off because he already seemed so emotionally invested in this thing.

SO. Would it have been dishonest of him to simply NOT talk about those things? Absolutely not. He could think them, and even play them out in his mind, without bringing them to my attention and freaking me out. That's not dishonesty. It's establishing proper boundaries.

I think a lot of times when women think men are "creepers", it's simply because men jump the gun a bit on expressing interest or pursuing. Men often invest more quickly than women. It takes women a lot more time to make up their mind about a relationship. It's important for men to read the signals a woman is giving out, and try to match them or be a little ahead perhaps (as the pursuer) but not so much that it causes the woman to retreat. It's not a game we're playing, but how we respond to one another IS important, and there are "rules of engagement" that can help.

 

[coby]

Do you think the church really doesn't deal with relationships? I dont think the church does much in the way of helping marriages. If you are having trouble in your marriage who do you turn to? A pastor? He and his wife,a Christian counselor? I knew a Christian pastor that gave such bad advice he almost caused a divorce. He said he had some teaching as far as counseling but he really had no clue. He made the issue worse. Really I dont see that the church handles marriage issues well. You're pretty much on your own if you run into any serious issues.

There are ministries with very good counselling if you can spend a few thousand dollars. We had to go to Canada.
We helped all those couples in church for free. Pastor, my husband doesn't put the garbage outside. He lets me keep everything clean. Off he went. Well sister, but you don't have a job and he works real hard and he buys the groceries. Man, week in, week out and extremer stuff. They're still married. When we had problems and no thousands to go to Canada again and called pastors: neh we can't help you. Marriage could have been saved if there had been one, but whatever. Annoying.

 

[melita916]

Here's the difference between truly single Christian man and Christian woman. The Christian man holds out single in hopes for a Christian woman. The Christian woman on the other hand seems to have no interest, even in many cases an outright aversion, to a truly single Christian guy. It's messed up, but it's true.

i know we post things based on personal experience and what we see happen frequently. i'm not dismissing what you said in the previous post i'm just adding that both genders face things.

freshman year of college, i let a guy know i was interested in him. (a friend of mine told him, which probably wasn't the best thing to do lol). when he found out, he avoided me, so obviously, it wasn't mutual. maybe he avoided me so he wouldn't have to tell me in person he wasn't interested. regardless, it was a rejection.

the struggle is real for both genders. maybe it's different struggles, but still struggles lol