The fear of attraction

[Snackersmom]

oh boy howdy do I relate, I myself have had an annoying complex of fall in love at first sight or feeling overly attracted to women around me bleh...
the best methods I have found to do especially since most are at my job is to focus on work,not fixate, try my best to simply ignore said attraction, or even if opportunity presents itself to remove myself from any proximity, though probably the most useful lately has been to more Not Put them on a Pedestal so to speak, think of being near such individuals as just another normal day with a colleague, friend, or even stranger in which you don't have to pursue attraction or fear it...
sometimes a sense of fantastic dreaming hopefulness gets us to forget that we may not even know the person so pretty silly to stare or be so called Enchanted by them when reality is that it's just lusting or dreaming...

Thank you Fizzy Joe, I appreciate your input! I think our problems might be opposite, lol. I live in a rural area, work from home, and it's pretty rare for me to meet anyone I'm attracted to. At my age (40), I literally don't know any available men between the ages of 35 & 50. I'm not complaining about that, because I'm not really trying to date or have a boyfriend. I just want to be able to have a polite, coherent conversation with anyone I come across, even if his face + personality = trip hazard . I wish you well with what you are dealing with though! Remember that girls are pathetic and flawed individuals who get tripped up by life too, we just look better doing it!

location is a word used by doctors. so you located & narrowed the "calm, loose & relax" characteristic. to that & all issues, cast out the devil; 1st Peter 5:7. never fight the devil, resist him; James 4:7. i teach people to introduce comedy in their problems. think about it; why not make it fun. as soon as you detect negativity, pessimism, sin, etc. cast the devil out. did you know the devil has no power against the believer unless the believer lets him? i say; "in the name of Jesus, devil, you & all your about, get out" & i say it with a smile! sure, make up a rhyme to make it funny. a yes to your question. Romans 12:2- "& BE NOT CONFORMED TO THIS WORLD, BUT BE YE TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF YOU MIND......." 2nd Corinthians 5:7- "if any man be in Christ, "HE IS A NEW CREATURE......". maybe, a serious slowing down in life is also needed. we allow ourselves to be rushed physically, mentally & spiritually by misplaced priorities in life. but i will tell you, this type of retraining is difficult & takes a while. again, make this fun in your own way with Jesus help, by course. blessings to you snackersmom.

Thank you Karlon, I will try to put some of that into practice! I actually have been trying to figure out the "natural me" lately, it's a long slog but I've made some headway. I think part of my problem is that it's rare these days for me to feel attracted to anyone, so I don't get many opportunities to de-sensitize. I half-heartedly looked into speed-dating just to get some experience in, but since I'm not really seeking a husband it seemed like it would be disingenuous. Same for online dating sites (plus I don't really have trouble talking to guys online so I don't think it would help). I will keep praying about it though. I appreciate your input, blessings to you as well!

 

[Snackersmom]

Hi sis When I was a teenager and when I became an adult (early 20's) I feared attraction... The reason was because of my low self-esteem...but when I finally learned to appreciate myself it changed....

Thank you Kireina, I will keep that advice in mind. I'm glad you were able to figure out the problem! A lot of the various advice I've gotten here does hit home, so I think the solution to my issue might be a puzzle with a lot of different pieces. But hopefully I can find the pieces (with Jesus' help!) and get it solved. Thank you for your contribution!

Yes I understand what you're talking about. I wouldn't say I fear my own attractions anymore (on the rare event they seem to occur) but I do keep them hidden (or at least I try to, I kind of assume I do for the most part). And I imagine I'd still feel that kind of get away panicky feeling if I realized some guy was showing serious interest in me. I think a lot of that comes from feeling vulnerable that if a guy decides he wants to override my free choices, he probably has the strength to do so, and once interest is communicated decision about whether and how to move forward have to be made and there's someone else's ideas and opinons to deal with in that decision making. Fortunately / unfortunately while I know God can always bring in a suprise out of left field, my social circle is pretty set so there aren't too many new guys coming in to to my life and most of them I've normalized an acquaintanceship with (and at my age most of them are married so the question of do I like them is pretty irrelevant).

I can definitely relate to all that. I'm 40 and I literally don't know any single guys between the ages of 35 & 50. So attraction seldom comes up anymore and I was planning to just keep the issue becasue it seemed manageable and I figured I was only hurting myself, if anyone. But several recent situations have indicated that is not the case, it can be really hurtful to the guy(s) and I feel that God is telling me to do something about it (probably not for husband-finding purposes, probably just becasue it's not good or healthy). Sooooo.....that brings us to now, I'm baring my soul and asking for advice from a bunch of (wise and insightful) strangers on the internet!

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I suspect part of what's making it difficult to move past is the labeling given to the problem.
Likely it's not a fear of attraction, itself, but rather a fear of relationships/commitment.
The fear of attraction, as you see it, is prpbably more of a symptom of something else.
So I'd suggest starting there. Be rethinking the root cause, identifying it and focusing on that.

 

[Snackersmom]

I suspect part of what's making it difficult to move past is the labeling given to the problem.
Likely it's not a fear of attraction, itself, but rather a fear of relationships/commitment.
The fear of attraction, as you see it, is prpbably more of a symptom of something else.
So I'd suggest starting there. Be rethinking the root cause, identifying it and focusing on that.

Interesting. I definitely fear commitment to some extent. I will have to think on this more. I mostly fear committing to the wrong person, or the wrong person wanting to commit to me.

Just about all the responses I received here have hit home to some extent, so I'm starting to suspect that I'm fighting a many-headed monster that will have to be attacked from multiple angles. I might be working and praying on it for a while. I appreciate all the help and insight!

 

[Westward]

Elementary, my dear Watson. Just tell him you think he's extremely dreamy and go on from there. What's the worst that can happen?

 

[Snackersmom]

Elementary, my dear Watson. Just tell him you think he's extremely dreamy and go on from there. What's the worst that can happen?

Is it really that simple? Hmmmmm. Ok. if you say so...........





Westward, there is something verrrrryyyyyy important I need to tell you.......

 

[Snackersmom]

Just messin' .

I was reading back through the thread to re-process everything, and this kinda hit home:

Address those reasons/fears with a mind to solve any of the issues. Example maybe you thoughtfully decide you're willing to take the effort to date and/or be rejected.

And my first thought was: "I'm not scared of being rejected, I'm scared of being accepted."

So maybe Subhumanoidal was right, it's just a fear of commitment? Since I don't fear committing to someone I'm not attracted to, the attraction is just what brings it out maybe?

And for the record, this isn't about me wanting to date a particular guy. It's just an issue I've identified and I want to get over it regardless of whether I ever date anyone again or not.

 

[Westward]

Commitment can be scary because there's no going back, no pressure. Choose wisely

 

[Westward]

Basically really really really do your homework before you cross the Rubicon

 

[Snackersmom]

Basically really really really do your homework before you cross the Rubicon

Agree...... but it's incredibly hard to gather intel if I can't string a coherent sentence together and pretty much head the opposite direction whenever I see him, right? So I think I need to get that figured out first .

 

[Westward]

Agree...... but it's incredibly hard to gather intel if I can't string a coherent sentence together and pretty much head the opposite direction whenever I see him, right? So I think I need to get that figured out first .

Ah well, I guess I was no help at all.... I'll try to think of something

 

[Lynx]

Agree...... but it's incredibly hard to gather intel if I can't string a coherent sentence together and pretty much head the opposite direction whenever I see him, right? So I think I need to get that figured out first .

Well purely in the interest of helping you figure it out... What are you doing Saturday night?

 

[Snackersmom]

Well purely in the interest of helping you figure it out... What are you doing Saturday night?

Lol chaperoning a church youth retreat, I'm leaving in a few minutes....Y'all pray for me!

I appreciate your willingness to sacrifice for the cause, though!

 

[tourist]

My fear was not being attractive, so I guess the opposite problem

You have nothing to fear at all about your attractiveness. Just ask your hubby.

 

[Sculpt]

Just messin' .

I was reading back through the thread to re-process everything, and this kinda hit home:



And my first thought was: "I'm not scared of being rejected, I'm scared of being accepted."

So maybe Subhumanoidal was right, it's just a fear of commitment? Since I don't fear committing to someone I'm not attracted to, the attraction is just what brings it out maybe?

And for the record, this isn't about me wanting to date a particular guy. It's just an issue I've identified and I want to get over it regardless of whether I ever date anyone again or not.

Yeah, fear of commitment... or of losing control. You could walk backwards through you past relationships and see if there were any disturbing things. There could be a fear a little below the surface you want to find and drag into the light.

But anyway, if you review my prior post, the method for ending that knee jerk reaction is there. It's not fixed by know the method, but doing the method.

 

[kinda]

Basically really really really do your homework before you cross the Rubicon

Also, the Rubicon is in Italy, so most people will have to fly, take a ship to get to that river. The good news is that, Italy is far away, so chances of relationships are very distant at best.

 

[tourist]

I suspect part of what's making it difficult to move past is the labeling given to the problem.
Likely it's not a fear of attraction, itself, but rather a fear of relationships/commitment.
The fear of attraction, as you see it, is prpbably more of a symptom of something else.
So I'd suggest starting there. Be rethinking the root cause, identifying it and focusing on that.

I fully concur with your estimation.

 

[Snackersmom]

Yeah, fear of commitment... or of losing control. You could walk backwards through you past relationships and see if there were any disturbing things. There could be a fear a little below the surface you want to find and drag into the light.

But anyway, if you review my prior post, the method for ending that knee jerk reaction is there. It's not fixed by know the method, but doing the method.

Ugh, yeah, I have control issues too but I am working on them. It's easier to work on those because I have enough people in my life that I trust and can go through the cognitive behavior steps you mentioned to voluntarily give up control, etc.

The commitment issues are harder because there isn't really anyone in my life right now I could commit to. And I don't want to go the "random dating" route because I feel like it would be disingenuous, like I was just using them to get over issues. Plus I don't think there are very many guys who would be a good fit for me, and I don't feel like I have the time or emotional energy to sort through all the mismatches.

Anyone have advice on all that?

 

[Lynx]

Ugh, yeah, I have control issues too but I am working on them. It's easier to work on those because I have enough people in my life that I trust and can go through the cognitive behavior steps you mentioned to voluntarily give up control, etc.

The commitment issues are harder because there isn't really anyone in my life right now I could commit to. And I don't want to go the "random dating" route because I feel like it would be disingenuous, like I was just using them to get over issues. Plus I don't think there are very many guys who would be a good fit for me, and I don't feel like I have the time or emotional energy to sort through all the mismatches.

Anyone have advice on all that?

Well there's no rule that you actually HAVE to find a spouse. A lot of people act like there is, but they can be ignored.

If you don't want to go on dates, don't go on dates. Nobody's docking your paycheck because of it.

 

[tourist]

Commitment can be scary because there's no going back, no pressure. Choose wisely

Exactly, no going back. That is the essence of commitment.