=/ Things are getting STEAMY i need help!

[CollegeGal]

Can Anyone give me some advice?

I'll make this quick- I need help with my relationship! My fiance and I are getting married in a few months, but things aren't all bright and cheery anymore. He is in the Airforce in ROTC. He also plays men's soccer in the afternoon & works at night. He has so many commitments, but it seems like he is forgetting his commitment to me. I know we both still love each other, and the wedding is still on, but I am getting worried... I usually only get a "goodmorning" and then a "goodnight". & we talk maybe 10minuts combined. I tried bringing up to him that i feel like he isn't making time out of his day for me & that it hurts, but it makes him angry because he says he can't do anything about it. Then we both get angry & in the end it ends up in both of us yelling & cussing at each other. We are both christians, struggling, but still with God.

I don't know what to do! Is there any Bible verses or anything that could help?? (We are signed up for marriage counseling, but wont start till he graduates ROTC).

Sincerely,
Bride-to-be tired of fighting.

 

[Yalana]

Well, Ive been married for 9 years Marriage is alot, ALOT of work. an Time is something you HAVE to invest in your marriage in order for it to work. Not just you but him as well. And keep God in the middle of your marriage. My husband works full time and we own a rental business so he's very busy. So I would say try to be compassionate, understanding. Say I know your busy but I just miss spending time with you, can we make an appointment? Ha Ha
An also you need to get your own life as well , you dont want to be clingy men dont like that. When he see your busy or have your won life he'll notice even more. One thing I'v also learned is women think then act, Men act then think men are slower to oick up the hints so some times you have to be FRANK sometimes very but gently.

 

[wolfywolfs]

o we dont mind clingy just not all the time but that like with everything we just want our own little space and we would give the respect of you haveing your own but you say all he says is good morning and good night so maybe theres something troubleing himi mean honestly if i was that busy i would love nothing more than to chill andrelax with my girl friend something to look forward to not something to ignore

 

[lordsservant121]

My question would be does he still want to get married? I had a friend, who as the day got closer, he kept finding an excuse to not be around his fiance. He wanted to postpone the wedding but he didn't know how to say it and not have her get mad. In the end, he married and was divorced less than 6 months later because the issues he never asked to fix, caused the problems from the get go. Now he is trying to make it work and they are at it in prayer circles and counseling but they were divorced for 4 years before they were ready to try again. You need to talk to him no matter how angry or busy he is. Good luck and GOD bless, I will be praying for you.

 

[Seriously_Cool_Wife]

My husband did that too, and looking back, I now wish I had put the brakes on a bit. We went through some tough times while he was still maturing. He's still more about self than family sometimes.

It's not intentional, but examples are that he says, "I'd rather take the family here instead of be involved in my daughter's club (father daughter day)"... and I'm like, "that's not fair to her!"... but I just take it and don't know what to do about it.

And, looking back, there were several months where he stopped calling, emailing, contacting me much at all. When he did, he kept it short and didn't really talk much. We talked and he said he still wanted to get married, he just wanted us to be face to face (long distance relationship)... so I bought his excuse and we got married...

Not that I would ever go back and NOT have married him... I just wish I would have worked harder at some things first. Made him work harder too... cuz now he never puts any effort into us and I can't complain because he never did then either.

 

[zeroturbulence]

You say he is in ROTC, plays soccer (which is also a commitment) and works at night. This is an extremely demanding schedule and I'm sure it is a lot of pressure too, especially ROTC where they are being trained to become leaders of the nation's defenders. He probably has no energy left for ANYONE and when he comes home he is like an open wound or a frayed nerve that needs some serious down time to heal, not to mention time to study. I would go out of my way to make sure you don't add to his stress and maybe even cater to him and put your own needs aside for the time being because he is probably just trying to keep his sanity with everything he is trying to do right now.

 

[dmdave17]

Dear CollegeGal,

I agree with zeroturbulence, but I have one question. How many of your fiance's activities are required, and how many are voluntary? ROTC, obviously, is mandatory (once you sign up) and you have to admire any young man who wants to serve his country. However, if a high degree of his activities are voluntary, that might indicate (as lordsservant121 points out) a certain reluctance to take your relationship to the next level. I think you need to get the issue clarified before you get married. However, if his schedule is filled with mandatory responsibilities, then I believe you need to look within yourself for the answers. In any case, seek God's help with your problem. He always has the best take on all situations.

 

[lordsservant121]

Well said dmdave17.

 

[fireflies]

18 is too young to be getting married. You are already having problems and you haven't even gotten married yet? You need to run as far as you can away from getting married! Don't you get the warning signs? If you marry at 18 and this man in this condition you will be writing on here about a year from now about how miserable your marriage is? Please consider the clues you are getting now before it is too late?

 

[Stuey]

18 is too young to be getting married. You are already having problems and you haven't even gotten married yet? You need to run as far as you can away from getting married! Don't you get the warning signs? If you marry at 18 and this man in this condition you will be writing on here about a year from now about how miserable your marriage is? Please consider the clues you are getting now before it is too late?

This is nonsense. There is nothing wrong with getting married early if you are both ready for it, and I know quite a few people who have got married young and have great marriages.

If you and the guy are ready to get married then get married. But you both need consider what you are doing - This is a lifelong commitment, you both need to mean your vows if it is going to work. Talk to your fiance and try to work things out. If he doesn't want to get married deep down there is no point forcing it.

 

[zeroturbulence]

18 is too young to be getting married. You are already having problems and you haven't even gotten married yet? You need to run as far as you can away from getting married! Don't you get the warning signs? If you marry at 18 and this man in this condition you will be writing on here about a year from now about how miserable your marriage is? Please consider the clues you are getting now before it is too late?

I agree. No offense to anyone but at 18 most people are still trying to figure out how life works. They still haven't held a real job, still haven't dated many people, still haven't dealt with financial issues like budgeting or paying a mortgage. Marriage isn't just living with someone. Its a compromise between two people and I don't think most people are ready for that at 18. They will have to agree on just about everything and look they aren't even married yet and the relationship is already falling apart. Young people also have a great need for socializing and that usually is not possible with married couples because most of them can't afford it because they have a mortgage to pay and car payments and bills.

 

[seoulsearch]

I have to disagree as far as 18 being too young to marry--it CAN be, but different things for work for different people. My parents started liking each other at 13 and 15, got married at 19 and 21, and are still together at ages 62 and 64. They didn't have to go through dozens of other relationships, life changes, jobs, or "find themselves"--they were one of those rare couples whom God had find themselves through being together.

However, in the situation described, I really liked the Lord's Servant's question--it may very well be that the husband-to-be is scared and afraid to say anything... it would be well worth it to have a very open and honest discussion with him about whether this is the right time to get married (not to mention, prayer and church marriage counseling--you definitely need the counseling now, not before it's too late.)

Have you spoken to your parents, pastor, and spiritual mentors? Do THEY think it's the right time to get married? I know we all like to be independent but one thing time and failures have taught me is that the advice and observation of those who really know the both of you is invaluable. If you don't have the thumbs up from others around you who are concerned about your spiritual as well as marital growth, I would want to suggest that you pray about it and seek God's answer--He may be telling you to wait. The Lord's Servant's post was very perceptive--I've known couples as well who married and divorced (or one decided they wanted someone else later on) because one side was eager to get married and the other side felt mostly pressure but didn't say anything.

I also agree with DmDave--if there are activities he can cut out to devote to your relationship, he should--not that he should cut back EVERYTHING, but we all know marriage is work and if someone isn't ready to make a few sacrifices and make your future marriage a priority, such as clearing at least one night a week that you can talk and spend time together, getting married at this time might not be the wisest thing to do. I mean, what's going to happen when or if you have kids? Will he expect you to take care of it all as he dashes out of the house in the morning?

 

[zeroturbulence]

I have to disagree as far as 18 being too young to marry--it CAN be, but different things for work for different people. My parents started liking each other at 13 and 15, got married at 19 and 21, and are still together at ages 62 and 64. They didn't have to go through dozens of other relationships, life changes, jobs, or "find themselves"--they were one of those rare couples whom God had find themselves through being together.

However, in the situation described, I really liked the Lord's Servant's question--it may very well be that the husband-to-be is scared and afraid to say anything... it would be well worth it to have a very open and honest discussion with him about whether this is the right time to get married (not to mention, prayer and church marriage counseling--you definitely need the counseling now, not before it's too late.)

Have you spoken to your parents, pastor, and spiritual mentors? Do THEY think it's the right time to get married? I know we all like to be independent but one thing time and failures have taught me is that the advice and observation of those who really know the both of you is invaluable. If you don't have the thumbs up from others around you who are concerned about your spiritual as well as marital growth, I would want to suggest that you pray about it and seek God's answer--He may be telling you to wait. The Lord's Servant's post was very perceptive--I've known couples as well who married and divorced (or one decided they wanted someone else later on) because one side was eager to get married and the other side felt mostly pressure but didn't say anything.

I also agree with DmDave--if there are activities he can cut out to devote to your relationship, he should--not that he should cut back EVERYTHING, but we all know marriage is work and if someone isn't ready to make a few sacrifices and make your future marriage a priority, such as clearing at least one night a week that you can talk and spend time together, getting married at this time might not be the wisest thing to do. I mean, what's going to happen when or if you have kids? Will he expect you to take care of it all as he dashes out of the house in the morning?

But teenagers were much different when your parents were 18 and 21. Back then they probably had already burdened all sorts of heavy responsibility and had built character that befits someone in their 40's today.

 

[seoulsearch]

But teenagers were much different when your parents were 18 and 21. Back then they probably had already burdened all sorts of heavy responsibility and had built character that befits someone in their 40's today.

Hi Zero,

I do agree that teens are different now, or so it seems. But, I think they're facing a whole slew of things our parents were not at that age: guns at school, more widespread drug and alcohol abuse, teen parents, and many teens at home grow up with a single parent who expects them to be a substitute for the missing parent, raising younger siblings, etc.

Now, maybe all of this means many of the younger people today never get time to heal or develop a sense of who they are on their own because of all the things they're facing, and in that case, maybe it IS best to wait a few years for marriage.

But, I do still think that different things can work at different ages.

 

[Berean]

First of all, your relationship with God is of utmost importance. In marriage you are to do everything together (Not every microscopic detail of life). That means you live together, worship together, read your bible together, do things together, pray together, eat together, go worship at church together, have kids together, raise kids together, ect ect. I think you catch my drift. If you are not on the same page there will be much un-needed friction in the marriage. I would say, work on your relationship and devotion to God FIRST. If that means delaying the marriage, so be it.

Secondly, DO NOT GET MARRIED BEFORE SOLID CHRISTIAN COUNSELING! Don't do it! Proverbs gives many statements about how a wise man will be wiser still after counsel. (personal paraphrase) It also talks about how a fool will not retain knowledge, even if rebuked. These verses talk specifically about every day life ordeals. Why then would someone not apply these principles to the marriage covenant? No matter where you are at in the stage of life or where you are in the stage of whatever you are doing, there is always room for improvement in that area. If it's bible knowledge, friendships, a certain skill/hobby, or anything else, there is room for growth. If we think growth is not needed in the realm of spirituality, we are in a very dangerous place.

Last, communication is more important than we can imagine. I know it can be hard to talk now, but this is before you've made the vows. If you cannot communicate now, chances are it won't happen within marriage. Many, many, many marriage counselor state that communication is one of the most essential components within the marriage relationship. Not just communication to each other, but communication with God. Be on your knees before him ever more.

God Bless,

Berean.

 

[Rheod]

Best quote I ever heard about marriage was from John Hagee. It's like mash potatoe. U take 2 separate potatoes God boils them up and u get a beautiful result in the end but talk to him.

 

[xJoe]

if theres conflict before marriage it'll only get worse. if he has no time for you now... then whats your future?

 

[apologist]

Ignore all the age yaps up there. You could be 30 and totally not ready, and yet they wouldn't be bothering you about that - so that's irrelevant. Its possible to be ready young. Its not AGE that makes a person ready. Its what age they act.

ANYWAY, sounds like you need affirmation from him that he's still on board. One thing that I got out of the way in my relationship is how to do this cause I don't want him ever feeling like he's not sure, and visa versa. Affirmation is different for each person though. But since marriage is a two may street, you need to be affirming him in the way he likes to be affirmed and he needs to affirm you in the best way you like being affirmed. There's nothing worse then ignoring the fact and letting it slide off the conversation table now.
There are 5 Love Languages. The 5 Love Languages | Five Love Languages You can read about them here, but basically they are 1)Words of affirmation, 2)Quality Time (sounds like you are lacking this one, 3)Receiving gifts, 4) Acts of Service, and 5) Physical Touch.
Read them on that site (you have to scroll down a tad to read them) and write down which are most important to you, in order from most important to least important, 1-5. Ask him to do the same and exchange them and talk it over. I did this and it helps me understand where he's coming from so that I can better do my part affirm for him that I love him and I'm on board and visa versa. Its really a great tool.
If he's not willing to work on it, confront him about your concerns in a nice gentle way - and perhaps with a third party that you both trust, like a pastor or parent or close friend or mentor.
Very often, people affirm love to the other person in the way that they like to be loved. But you know, that might be the last thing on your list! So its an effort on both parts to understand the others love language list a apply it.

Good providence to you and your future husband! Just remember, Love is Patient and Kind (1 Cor. 13)

 

[apologist]

Might I add on behalf of: "we both get mad at each other and start cussing"

Not only tack up in your brain 1 Cor. 13 love, but dig into the proverbs! A gentle answer turns away wrath. This doesn't mean a smug answer either... but give both you and he time to calm down and cool off if things get hot. By being gentle (which also doesn't mean silent treatment), you will both get a lot farther.

And again, 3rd parties are handy people to have. Take advantage of them!

 

[fireflies]

I still say that in this situation if this person gets married, I can guarantee we will be reading tearful postings about how horrible their marriage is and what they should do. RUN!! It isn't time for you to get married! How obvious can the warning signs be? Don't you get it? God brings peace and I read absolutely no PEACE in this relationship at all. You write you are cussing at each other? Think about it and this is before you have said I DO? Get a clue I say!