To what extent should I help a friend financially?

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TheIndianGirl

Guest
#1
#1
I have a Christian student friend in her late 30s who sometimes strongly hints for financial help, and I get uncomfortable listening to it. We are close friends. For example, when she needed a new computer she spoke at length at how she is praying for a computer. I could have helped her with a few hundred dollars but she needed a specific $1500 computer for school. Just recently she called and said her insurance and other fees cost $2000 plus. She just married and the husband is hardworking but job searching for a better job, so I'm sure he is watching their spending. I get the feeling that she thinks I should give her money as it is the Christian thing to do. I do have more money than her but that is because I've worked longer than her. I have helped her before in small amounts. Or sometimes she might call and complain about money issues. I wouldn't mind helping but I'm afraid it might become a habit. A lot of this I believe comes from lifestyle choices; for example I've been working full time since 22 whereas she wanted to get higher degrees.

How should a Christian treat another Christian friend on money issues?
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#2
Jul 3, 2015
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Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Shakespeare said that, apparently.

Might become a habit? She is already trying to manipulate you for $$.
 
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oldethennew

Banned
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Feb 28, 2016
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this scenario is a very 'common one' to babes in Christ, for this is an opening for the whiley one to step in -
Jesus' brothers and sisters are always on the up and up-holding the called-chosen-elect, BUT, we can never
let our guard down and forget 'who rules this worlds ways and wrongs'...

Keep the Faith that your Master, Jesus Christ has given to you personally, and KEEP it in check, for the
wily one is here, just waiting for you to mess up and then become your accuser and thus he constantly'
tries to condemn you for your everlasting Love that you will never forsake for your Beloved...
 
1christian1

1christian1

Banned
#5
Sep 13, 2018
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TheIndianGirl said:
I have a Christian student friend in her late 30s who sometimes strongly hints for financial help, and I get uncomfortable listening to it. We are close friends. For example, when she needed a new computer she spoke at length at how she is praying for a computer. I could have helped her with a few hundred dollars but she needed a specific $1500 computer for school. Just recently she called and said her insurance and other fees cost $2000 plus. She just married and the husband is hardworking but job searching for a better job, so I'm sure he is watching their spending. I get the feeling that she thinks I should give her money as it is the Christian thing to do. I do have more money than her but that is because I've worked longer than her. I have helped her before in small amounts. Or sometimes she might call and complain about money issues. I wouldn't mind helping but I'm afraid it might become a habit. A lot of this I believe comes from lifestyle choices; for example I've been working full time since 22 whereas she wanted to get higher degrees.

How should a Christian treat another Christian friend on money issues?
Click to expand...

As a Christian, I would be honest with your friend and tell her This is putting a strain on your
relationship (which is apparent ) and as a "Christian adult ", she should understand...
 
Billyd

Billyd

Senior Member
#6
May 8, 2014
5,246
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#6
TheIndianGirl said:
I have a Christian student friend in her late 30s who sometimes strongly hints for financial help, and I get uncomfortable listening to it. We are close friends. For example, when she needed a new computer she spoke at length at how she is praying for a computer. I could have helped her with a few hundred dollars but she needed a specific $1500 computer for school. Just recently she called and said her insurance and other fees cost $2000 plus. She just married and the husband is hardworking but job searching for a better job, so I'm sure he is watching their spending. I get the feeling that she thinks I should give her money as it is the Christian thing to do. I do have more money than her but that is because I've worked longer than her. I have helped her before in small amounts. Or sometimes she might call and complain about money issues. I wouldn't mind helping but I'm afraid it might become a habit. A lot of this I believe comes from lifestyle choices; for example I've been working full time since 22 whereas she wanted to get higher degrees.

How should a Christian treat another Christian friend on money issues?
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When she hints that she needs help, stop the conversation, ask her to pray with you, and then pray that God will provide her needs.

If she has a verifiable need of rent help, or food, and you can help, pay the rent or buy her some groceries anonymously.

Giving to someone in need is always a Christian thing to do. Don't be afraid to ask God for guidance.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#7
Mar 13, 2014
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Tennessee
#7
TheIndianGirl said:
I have a Christian student friend in her late 30s who sometimes strongly hints for financial help, and I get uncomfortable listening to it. We are close friends. For example, when she needed a new computer she spoke at length at how she is praying for a computer. I could have helped her with a few hundred dollars but she needed a specific $1500 computer for school. Just recently she called and said her insurance and other fees cost $2000 plus. She just married and the husband is hardworking but job searching for a better job, so I'm sure he is watching their spending. I get the feeling that she thinks I should give her money as it is the Christian thing to do. I do have more money than her but that is because I've worked longer than her. I have helped her before in small amounts. Or sometimes she might call and complain about money issues. I wouldn't mind helping but I'm afraid it might become a habit. A lot of this I believe comes from lifestyle choices; for example I've been working full time since 22 whereas she wanted to get higher degrees.

How should a Christian treat another Christian friend on money issues?
Click to expand...
You did more than enough. Tell her your not Amscot, cut out all unnecessary expenditure, and to open a savings account. This person will nickel and dime you to death until you are as broke as she is. Acquiring college degrees is not always a wise thing to do, especially for degrees that have no intrinsic value in the workplace in relation to the cost to get them. On top of that, a lot of people are drowning in student loan debt. You are correct about the life-style choices. Your friend apparently backed the wrong horse and now she expects you cover her slack. You might want to put some distance between you and your 'friend'.
 
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lenna

Guest
#8
#8
To what extent can you afford to give without expecting it back because many people loose friends over what is called a 'loan' when in reality the receiver of said loan, cannot or will not pay it back.

It is not the Christian thing to do to hint often about needing money and it is not the Christian thing to do to hand out money to everyone who hints they need it. If your friend is now married, her husband should handle the money situation as it seems she cannot. I hope he knows about her attempting to finance herself without working for it. He might want to check the bank account from time to time. :cautious:

If someone is in dire need that is another thing totally; but I didn't pay 1500.00 for my pc and laptop combined and I don't buy the very best but certainly not junk either.

Tell you what. Next time she cries on your shoulder about money, tell her about your own bills and paying them and how you work for your money. Tell her you are going to talk to her husband about why he is not providing for her. Bet the story changes. ;)
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#9
Dec 15, 2018
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You just pray.
God can provide a computer, a lot of richer people might upgrade to a newer one and will give away their old one that isnt that old. if its for work or school its on the workplace or school to provide the tools really.

you can rent computers you dont need to buy them it its just for a short term thing. Also, public libraries have free computer access if all you need one for is maybe wordprocessing or to print off essays or look on the internet. when I was in uni and didnt have one I just used the campus computers, and other students that did have one let me borrow theirs.

a chromebook can do a lot of things and costs around $300 so not sure about the $1500 one her school requires. I think a lot of schools ask way too much of their students. (or parents) One of my friends who did a computing course borrowed one for her course. she hd to go pick it up, and give it back after she finished, but she didnt have to buy one.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#10
Dec 15, 2018
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Otherwise what people might have to do is sell something to raise money for one. Thats why many schools have fundraisers.

if the school is sponsored by IBM or whatever, they shouldnt be asking their students to buy expesnive computers on top of tuition fees. Thats like asking students to pay for every single textbook...bursary scholarships should cover it, or borrow books from the library. If I charged for each book borrowed I would make a huge amount of money.
 
Mii

Mii

Well-known member
#11
Mar 23, 2019
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I am quite specific when figuring out what someone needs.

A $1500 computer? Unless it's a multimedia job, you shouldn't need that AT ALL.

Perhaps this is an opportunity for her to learn how to network better and die to her pride a bit and borrow something from someone?

I second what @Lanolin said regarding basic computer applications, the library computers are more than sufficient. Around here there are resources at certain libraries that I'd have to travel for, but it would still cost hardly anything besides gas.

For instance, within the library system in Ga, there are libraries where I can use a recording studio and one even has a green screen.

Obviously not every library has this, and I'm only speaking to the U.S, but it is an option. Even in rural Georgia I've found $700 desktops which would support a host of applications although I've also found some that look like they are from 2005 lol. Phone calls are pretty useful ;)

On another level, it allows a person to be considerably more focused with their time because they want to get back to the comforts of a house, so it's added motivation to get your work accomplished and there are less distractions in my personal experience.

^The above are public libraries. Universities would have different resources...all you have to do is literally pay for one class to be able to use their resources for an entire semester...this may be an option to someone with specialized needs, but if you were already going to a school, there are tons of resources that most people are unaware of. Use your legs lol.


It's not "as" convenient, "that" I understand, but since when does convenience mean you inconvenience someone else?
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#12
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#12
some people in general that are needy can be quite demanding Ive found but that doesnt mean you are obligated to drop everything and tend to them just because you are christian.

as old saying goes charity begins at home so its actually on her husband to provide.

for those who dont have husbands its their dad.

for those who have neither then they may ask the Lord. I would not be funding anyones drug dependency, addiction, and you can bet Ive been asked because Im a christian.

as for computer or anything that costs $1500 well too bad which of us has $1500 to spare. You said you helped before and now she is seeing you as a cash cow. Just be clear that you dont have any to spare at the moment and she might ask someone else.

we are not obligated to give money to anyone but if you have a spare computer she can use then by all means offer it. Some people need to learn they just cant use friends as a bank.

the christian thing to do is actually pray. pray her husband finds a new job and pray that her needs are met not her wants. I have had people always HINTING they want to see the latest movie, eat out, have rides, pay for bus tickets, go shopping, move in etc. (and have me pay) to the point where it made me rather uncomfortable to be around them because they complained they were always broke. well thse people need either budgeting advice or learn how to budget and do without then go touch up everyone they meet cos its a sure way to lose friends.

I had this lady who always come in to the bookshop trying to touch up my boss for money which she spends on lotto tickets. I remember this one former friend that said oh lets go out for a coffee and it turns out she doesnt have any money and is expecting me to pay. we go to this cafe and she goes well im not having any cos im broke so I say well I guess Im not having any either...
 
SoulWeaver

SoulWeaver

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#13
Oct 25, 2014
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#13
Not 100% sure if she's consciously trying to manipulate you or not, some people just like complaining because it mentally relieves them to cast burdens on others, they are not mature nor do they consider the effect it has it's toxic and negative, but one thing is sure, that God loves a cheerful giver. He does not want His people giving things out because they are guilted or confused what to do or overwhelmed with someone complaining, it's not a good spirit.
 
melita916

melita916

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#14
Aug 12, 2011
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#14
For me, it would depend on how close of a friendship we have. Also, what exactly the need is. If it’s for essentials (food, electricity, water, etc), and we as friends help each other not just financially but emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I would have no issue paying an essential bill as a gift. Is my friend a hard worker and being responsible with the money they have and just need a little help covering costs? Are they figuring out how to cut costs to have a better budget? Was there an emergency that caused them to lack in finances?

its one thing if my friend is being a responsible adult and just needs a little help. It’s different when said friend just has a list of wants.
 
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TheIndianGirl

Guest
#15
#15
I knew her before she met her husband while she was in school, and I believe she was in need of money. However, she was "student poor," whereas I was working full time, so my situation and hers are not comparable. She could afford basics but not much else. I have sent her care packages from CVS, etc. which were each several hundred dollars consisting of shampoo, face moisturizers, makeup, etc. I was very happy to send her care packages and I also given her cash several times. During these times I sent her cash, I was very happy to because she needed money until her paycheck arrived. While she was in sincere need of money, I do believe she was manipulative. She takes some pleasure in the fact that it is hard for rich people to go to heaven and has mentioned this verse "I'll say it again-it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of A needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!" several times when talking about money. So I believe she was hinting if I do not give her money I would go to hell (btw, I am not "rich"). We had a big fight about this, and she later apologized saying that she grew up wanting many things but never had, etc. Anyway, I was surprised she mentioned higher priced items; I feel less pressure to help her now that she is married (I will for necessities if their family are unable to help). I am not a cheerful giver when it is expected that I give; with that expectation, it becomes less voluntary (at least for me).
 
JeremiahsCup

JeremiahsCup

Banned
#16
Feb 1, 2020
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I wouldn't give her a dime, she doesn't need a computer, she didn't need college. Her poverty is her own fault. Let her husband deal with it, that's his job. You don't even have a husband, you should be married instead of working and funding other peoples' families.
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#17
Jul 3, 2015
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#17
TheIndianGirl said:
I knew her before she met her husband while she was in school, and I believe she was in need of money. However, she was "student poor," whereas I was working full time, so my situation and hers are not comparable. She could afford basics but not much else. I have sent her care packages from CVS, etc. which were each several hundred dollars consisting of shampoo, face moisturizers, makeup, etc. I was very happy to send her care packages and I also given her cash several times. During these times I sent her cash, I was very happy to because she needed money until her paycheck arrived. While she was in sincere need of money, I do believe she is manipulative. She takes some pleasure in the fact that it is hard for rich people to go to heaven and has mentioned this verse "I'll say it again-it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of A needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!" several times when talking about money. So I believe she was hinting if I do not give her money I would go to hell (btw, I am not "rich"). We had a big fight about this, and she later apologized saying that she grew up wanting many things but never had, etc. Anyway, I was surprised she mentioned higher priced items; I feel less pressure to help her now that she is married (I will for necessities if their family are unable to help). I am not a cheerful giver when it is expected that I give; with that expectation, it becomes less voluntary (at least for me).
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She is trying to guilt you into giving her money while acting superior in her life situation because she is poor and assumes greater assurance of heaven because of it, and if you do not comply with/submit yourself to her repeated requests for money, you will go to hell? Oh my. Being financially poor does not just mean how much money one has, but takes into account one's material possessions as well. If she truly valued her state of poverty as being superior to those who have more than she does, she would not present as being so grasping after material goods which are beyond the range of her financial means of procuring them for herself. Is she not being covetous?
 
melita916

melita916

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#18
Aug 12, 2011
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#18
Is she working? Part time? Full time? How does her husband feel about her sharing their financial issues with others?

$1500 is awful lot for a computer. What exactly does she need the computer to do? Maybe she can look into a refurbish one. They are still in good use. And as others suggested, campus libraries have computers for students to use.
 
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TheIndianGirl

Guest
#19
#19
melita916 said:
Is she working? Part time? Full time? How does her husband feel about her sharing their financial issues with others?

$1500 is awful lot for a computer. What exactly does she need the computer to do? Maybe she can look into a refurbish one. They are still in good use. And as others suggested, campus libraries have computers for students to use.
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She gets a stipend being a teaching assistant. She is taking quantitative/statistical courses so her computer must be powerful enough to run certain programs.
 
B

bojack

Well-known member
#20
Dec 16, 2019
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#20
TheIndianGirl said:
I have a Christian student friend in her late 30s who sometimes strongly hints for financial help, and I get uncomfortable listening to it. We are close friends. For example, when she needed a new computer she spoke at length at how she is praying for a computer. I could have helped her with a few hundred dollars but she needed a specific $1500 computer for school. Just recently she called and said her insurance and other fees cost $2000 plus. She just married and the husband is hardworking but job searching for a better job, so I'm sure he is watching their spending. I get the feeling that she thinks I should give her money as it is the Christian thing to do. I do have more money than her but that is because I've worked longer than her. I have helped her before in small amounts. Or sometimes she might call and complain about money issues. I wouldn't mind helping but I'm afraid it might become a habit. A lot of this I believe comes from lifestyle choices; for example I've been working full time since 22 whereas she wanted to get higher degrees.

How should a Christian treat another Christian friend on money issues?
Click to expand...
If you want to help you certainly can but I'd advise to do it anonymous if you think she'll use you .. Or if Jesus lays it in your heart .. If you loan it beware .. I'll loan someone 5 or ten first , many I never see again, and worth it .. And never co-sign or put up collateral for anyone .. What you give be willing to give without repayment or expecting them to owe you in anyway ..
 
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