I want to trust God but literally almost every time I decide to my trust in Him, SOMETHING bad happens to me and it makes me want nothing to do with Him. I'm trying but I'm frustrated. Is that His way of saying go away or maybe I'm just too far gone for Him? I don't know but I do know I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. When does it end????
I have gone through the same types of things. Your post has an almost refreshing quality to it. Unfortunately, my response cannot convey fully what it is I've started to perceive recently. I'm also not sure of the logic of my thought development here in this post (I
am sure of it in my head). But, I'll do my best.
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Humility, seeing ourselves as we are, in relation to other humans, and ultimately to God, should put us in our place.
We are not our own, and we are clay in His hands. I have been dealing with this concept lately... in my thoughts and in my prayers. I would say to God, "But God... clay has no feelings. *I* do!" But, somewhat recently, I started to think about this differently. When God "molds" us, He's trying to make us into something more beautiful. It is not for our detriment, but for our betterment, and His glory when we experience trials.
Also, remember that He is GOD. Think of his universal creation. Trust me when I say that its size and vastness would kill you if you could fully perceive it. It is more than terrifying (I got a small taste of this one night while stargazing, and I believe it was Holy Spirit-given). Imagine the Mind behind all of that! That is God. He deserves our total, abject humility and trust.
I do not say this as someone who's perfected the art of humility and holiness. Holy smoke... I see idolatry in me, a preoccupation with a comfortable worldly life that could negatively impact my obedience to God. I see carnality... sinful pride... doubt (my life is not going at all the way I want it to right now). I am trying and struggling too. If I am honest, I am not 100% committed and I confessed this recently. I am only sharing the above with you because this is what I've been dealing with lately. I believe that God
might be doing something in me along these lines. I hope He is. And so, I wanted to try to share a little bit of my current state with you.