Trying to deal with MY issue

[Camelot]

I'm feeling super insecure and bummed right about now and I think I need to overcome this the right way. I'm not usually an insecure person however I have had women cheat before and so have I so I'm struggling with this and it isn't the first time I've struggled while married with this.

My wife and I are not separated but we are apart right now. So she's in a different city with family, I am back home because I work.
But we talked this morning and this afternoon about how awesome church was and I was soooo excited when she told me she got a breakthrough in service.
She mentioned also that our two boys were going with one of their relatives for 2 days. Ok that's cool.
Last I talked to her a few hours ago this afternoon she said she was going with two of her cousins and I don't know who else and that one of the girls was bringing her back home.
I call her tonight around 1030 after I get out of a late service myself she hasn't answered. I called a few times. Then i texted her not talking crazy just letting her know that I don't want to expect the worse but (as she and I both know already because we've had this discussion a lot) I am hoping she isn't "out out" because we are supposed to be against being believers and just being married.
I know my wife loves going out and drinking and although she's changed a lot she still like have that desire at times and has gone out since she's been back there with HER MOM!!! Lol! I chewed her out about that because I was so bummed about it and explained to her that if she ever did it again we would be through.
I have like this weak feeling in my gut that I'm hating and a negative intuition that she's up to something she has no business doing.
She's not a whoring person AT ALL she is respectful in that regard she just likes to have fun, so I do sooooo much with my wife even at times compromise to allow her a drink or two every once and a while.
I feel like I'm being really insecure and should trust her so much more, but its just she harrases me so much about my whereabouts and is being hypocritical. So I'm having difficulties trusting her. Am I being over the top? Too Controlling? My wife can't just not tell me what's going on or not keep in touch.....what do you guys do when you're apart.

 

[Ariel82]

Wow....if my husband had given me an ultimatum, it wouldn't be pretty.

Not because I would go out party, get drunk and sleep with someone, which didn't do when I was single much less married.

No the trouble would be the lack of trust and that his love was conditional and I could lose it.

That would make me feel insecure and when compared to God's love for me, I would find my husband's love lacking staying power.

The issue isn't that she parties, but you are afraid she will cheat on you.

I would make that the issue, not the little things like going out with her mom and then I would trust her to be wise enough to avoid situations where she might be tempted to cheat.

I admit that I have never been drunk enough to be tempted to sleep with random strangers, so it seems to me that alcohol allows people to do things they wanted to do but didn't have an excuse to do while sober. Things they might have stopped themselves from doing but the root is their and they haven't bother removing that desire to sin.

My husband and I spend weeks apart sometimes. I typically take the kids to visit family. We call or text each day that we love each other and trust the other person to discourage folks who flirt with us. In my case, I do it if I realise they are trying. Typically if you tell decent guys you are married with kids, they back off. Those who don't aren't decent and I don't feel bad giving them the cold shoulder or being rude to get them to find me less attractive.

However some women like having men find them attractive and flirt with them. I would rather my husband do it and find men creepy who don't get the hint.

I also highly value marriage and what God tells me about it and myself.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Gonna be honest here, because that's my style.. If you called/texted her that late at night, there's a good chance she probably was sleeping and had her phone turned off. She likes to have a drink or two, big deal. Some christians DO consume alcohol, you know. Shocking but true..lol.. In your last paragraph, you say that SHE harasses YOU about your whereabouts, BUT YOU'RE doing the same thing to her, so you are just as much of a hypocrite as she is, in that respect. Obviously the two of you don't trust each other. I think you need to discuss WHY you don't trust each other. I think the both of you also need to work on being less controlling of each other. I definitely think you need marriage counseling of some sort.

You're afraid of her cheating on you. You said that in your first paragraph. Has she cheated on you before? Have YOU cheated on her before? Or, since other women have cheated on you, is that just what you've come to expect of a woman? If she's with her mother right now, it's unlikely she's cheating. Women don't usually cheat when mommy's around them..lol

I agree with Ariel's reply. Your fear of her cheating is the real issue. Not whether she's at a club drinking somewhere. So deal with that issue first, and maybe you can figure out the rest. Stop giving her ultimatums. That will only make her more defiant to go out and drink or whatever. People don't deal well with being given ultimatums..

 

[notuptome]

Time for you to actually deal with your issue because from what I've seen you are not dealing with it right now. You do not trust your wife because you do not trust yourself. You do not trust yourself because you do not trust Christ. Make your relationship with Christ correct and allow Christ to make your wife's relationship with Him correct as well.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Rosesrock]

Um we're rarely apart but we don't do stuff that would make the other uncomfortable.
For example, for his work he has to take clients to munch and ive asked him to not do this alone. Not that I dibt trust him. I dont trust women. He's an amazing man and is nice looking and a gentleman.
So we respect each others wishes for comfort sake.
When I go out of town I'm always in contact because he's my life. I hate being away.
Maybe that's the issue.....she's liking freedom?
Sounds like some communication needs to happen. Trust is a must for a great relationship.

 

[Angela53510]

The last 15 years of my husband's career he was on the road constantly. And he doesn't like to talk on the phone, esp after a long day with overtime.

So did I worry about him cheating? Never! Either you love and trust someone or you don't. And I am 110% sure he never cheated.

Now, he might have looked at some cars, or pick up trucks or boats. He has always turned his head to look at cars. I got over being jealous about that in less than a minute, back in 1980. He doesn't actually buy them, anyway. He just dreams! LOL

And why do I know my husband will never cheat? Because he loves Jesus, and follows him with all his heart.

So perhaps it is time to let go of the jealousy. My thought was that either her phone was off because she was sleeping, or she let the battery run down. It does happen. I hope you get help for yourself, and work through this possessiveness and fear of her cheating on you. Because that will be what destroys your marriage, I am quite convinced!

 

[Dan58]

I don't think your insecure. Your wife is in another city and she's going out partying and getting loaded at night. Any red blooded male would have some reservations about that. I've been in bars and clubs, and can guarantee you that if your wife is even semi-attractive, guys are hitting on her. Even if her intent is to just have 'fun', trust your gut. I'd put the shoe on the other foot, stop bothering her and don't respond to her calls or texts. Take advantage of your free time while the wife & kids are gone, go out and have some fun yourself. Trust is a 2-way street.

 

[Ariel82]

Don't put yourself in situations where you might be tempted though if you know you are already weak. Go out with bodily friends who will help keep you in check.

Have a good time but don't stray into lusting after people.

 

[kaylagrl]

I'm feeling super insecure and bummed right about now and I think I need to overcome this the right way. I'm not usually an insecure person however I have had women cheat before and so have I so I'm struggling with this and it isn't the first time I've struggled while married with this.

My wife and I are not separated but we are apart right now. So she's in a different city with family, I am back home because I work.
But we talked this morning and this afternoon about how awesome church was and I was soooo excited when she told me she got a breakthrough in service.
She mentioned also that our two boys were going with one of their relatives for 2 days. Ok that's cool.
Last I talked to her a few hours ago this afternoon she said she was going with two of her cousins and I don't know who else and that one of the girls was bringing her back home.
I call her tonight around 1030 after I get out of a late service myself she hasn't answered. I called a few times. Then i texted her not talking crazy just letting her know that I don't want to expect the worse but (as she and I both know already because we've had this discussion a lot) I am hoping she isn't "out out" because we are supposed to be against being believers and just being married.
I know my wife loves going out and drinking and although she's changed a lot she still like have that desire at times and has gone out since she's been back there with HER MOM!!! Lol! I chewed her out about that because I was so bummed about it and explained to her that if she ever did it again we would be through.
I have like this weak feeling in my gut that I'm hating and a negative intuition that she's up to something she has no business doing.
She's not a whoring person AT ALL she is respectful in that regard she just likes to have fun, so I do sooooo much with my wife even at times compromise to allow her a drink or two every once and a while.
I feel like I'm being really insecure and should trust her so much more, but its just she harrases me so much about my whereabouts and is being hypocritical. So I'm having difficulties trusting her. Am I being over the top? Too Controlling? My wife can't just not tell me what's going on or not keep in touch.....what do you guys do when you're apart.

Others probably won't agree with me,but I see no reason a married woman should be in a bar without her husband. In fact,as a Christian,I dont see why a person would be in a bar anyway. Bars are all about hooking up. Its not good for a persons testimony and especially a married women. Thats one thing my husband said he appreciated about me,I never go to bars. I didn't before I was married and certainly not after. I dont agree with drinking, but if your wife does drink does she get drunk? Because thats a whole different situation. You need to sit down with your wife and talk this out. As a married Christian couple there is no reason that your wife should be going to a bar alone. Nothing good can come of that. But if she insists on doing it you need to go to counseling. For me,that would be a deal breaker. If my husband was going to bars alone? Ya, total deal breaker. You're putting yourself in a compromising position and in the way of temptation. IMO you need to sit down and have a heart to heart.

 

[Ariel82]

I never go alone to a bar, but if my mom or brothers wanted to go, I would go to spend time with them.

Same with my friends, but most time we eat more than drink.

 

[LOLOKGal]

I see your concern and my heart goes out to you. Let’s step back fora moment and see this from a different angle. The Bible tells us,“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers,against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Eph 6:12. This is a spiritual influence that’s trying to wedge it’s way in to your marriage. We’ve got to “overcome evil with good” (Rom 12:21). So, when you see her, or talk with her again, take a different approach. Tell her, “Oh, it’s so good to see you! I have missed you so. I love you.” And just love on her. That will surprise her because it’s not the norm and you’ve just acted out of love. Your next text, say something like, “I just wanted you to know that I think you’re beautiful, I praise God for you, I love you and so in love with you. Can’t wait to see you.” Then don’t text again until it’s a response to her text.

Start praying diligently over her and your marriage. Let satan know that he has no right messing with what belongs to you and God. When those thoughts come in, just start praying and thanking God for taking care of your wife, and turning her heart back towards Him and you, by doing this you are putting into practice James 4:7 – Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee you.

Go over, study, meditate 1 Cor 13:4-8 and ask God to help you put it into practice. By doing this, you are ministering to your wife and it will have a HUGE impact on her life. Now, this will take time, but don’t give up. God wants to see your marriage succeed. All you have to do is take it one day at a time, go to God over it all, act out in love always, and God will take care of the rest. I hope this helps you. Luvz n Hugz!

 

[ImperfectlyForgiven]

You can build trust in a long distance relationship through communication. Simply ask in a straightforward way if your wife is seeing someone else or having an intimate relationship with the opposite sex. If she confirms no, then trust her at her word. And that's that. Ask and you will get an affirmation of her love for you.

She also may feel insecure herself so that is why she is asking about your whereabouts too. So respond by affirming your love for her, tell her that she is the only one for you and that you will not lay eyes on another woman while she is away. I think she will respond back positively in the same way if you ask her if you are the only one for her too?

The reason she may not be replying to you about where she is going is because she is afraid that you would end the relationship once you knew (you said you two would be through). People go out to the bar for different reasons. I am not your wife, but she may go out just for the alcohol to relieve stress, to socialize with her friends or just be in a crowded place to not feel so lonely, but not to meet guys. If you want to know more about why she likes going outside so much, just ask her. Also, ask her does she talk to other men while there or do other men bother her? I would be more concerned about men spiking her drinks, so be sure that she is accompanied and watched by a friend when she goes to those places.

 

[Dan58]

You can build trust in a long distance relationship through communication. Simply ask in a straightforward way if your wife is seeing someone else or having an intimate relationship with the opposite sex. If she confirms no, then trust her at her word. And that's that. Ask and you will get an affirmation of her love for you.

While that sounds very nice, it doesn't always work because it presumes people are always honest. In reality, if you ask a cheater if they're being unfaithful to you, their response will inevitably be; "Of course not". I was personally involved in 2 different relationships with women who were seeing another guy on the side, and when I inquired, they both confirmed; "No". I did not get an affirmation of love for me, I got a lie. So from my experience, when a woman says they're going out to bars to party without you, and they don't answer their phone late night, blind trust is a suckers bet. As Reagan said; "Trust but verify" .

 

[Camelot]

Gonna be honest here, because that's my style.. If you called/texted her that late at night, there's a good chance she probably was sleeping and had her phone turned off. She likes to have a drink or two, big deal. Some christians DO consume alcohol, you know. Shocking but true..lol.. In your last paragraph, you say that SHE harasses YOU about your whereabouts, BUT YOU'RE doing the same thing to her, so you are just as much of a hypocrite as she is, in that respect. Obviously the two of you don't trust each other. I think you need to discuss WHY you don't trust each other. I think the both of you also need to work on being less controlling of each other. I definitely think you need marriage counseling of some sort.

You're afraid of her cheating on you. You said that in your first paragraph. Has she cheated on you before? Have YOU cheated on her before? Or, since other women have cheated on you, is that just what you've come to expect of a woman? If she's with her mother right now, it's unlikely she's cheating. Women don't usually cheat when mommy's around them..lol

I agree with Ariel's reply. Your fear of her cheating is the real issue. Not whether she's at a club drinking somewhere. So deal with that issue first, and maybe you can figure out the rest. Stop giving her ultimatums. That will only make her more defiant to go out and drink or whatever. People don't deal well with being given ultimatums..

Yeah I hear you. You said alot and it might be true that I'm being the same way. I do get concerned but I've NEVER acted insecure with her until this night in particular. I honesrly dont fear she'll cheat i honestky don't because I hate her drinking around just me and her. I don't know I can't handle this drinking thing because she drinks a lot man and it just really bothers me. Like she's cool with the drinking but in no way helps me handle business so while I am currently struggling to make her happy by doing all I can and sacrificing my fun to move us out there she's out partying?? Yeah like I have issue with that I guess. Am I wrong? Idk. I guess tho you said something I think is 100% accurate and why I wrote this post because this problem I noticed about myself caused me to wonder if I were being controlling. Like I feel a man has to be somewhat controlling and if you knew my wife you'd understand why, but I don't want to be too controlling, I guess. But I personally wish my wife would take more charge in certain situations and became more controlling because if you knew me lol you'd also understand why.
I guess I am seeking to find a balance.

 

[Camelot]

You can build trust in a long distance relationship through communication. Simply ask in a straightforward way if your wife is seeing someone else or having an intimate relationship with the opposite sex. If she confirms no, then trust her at her word. And that's that. Ask and you will get an affirmation of her love for you.

She also may feel insecure herself so that is why she is asking about your whereabouts too. So respond by affirming your love for her, tell her that she is the only one for you and that you will not lay eyes on another woman while she is away. I think she will respond back positively in the same way if you ask her if you are the only one for her too?

The reason she may not be replying to you about where she is going is because she is afraid that you would end the relationship once you knew (you said you two would be through). People go out to the bar for different reasons. I am not your wife, but she may go out just for the alcohol to relieve stress, to socialize with her friends or just be in a crowded place to not feel so lonely, but not to meet guys. If you want to know more about why she likes going outside so much, just ask her. Also, ask her does she talk to other men while there or do other men bother her? I would be more concerned about men spiking her drinks, so be sure that she is accompanied and watched by a friend when she goes to those places.

Yeah, like we talked about an incident after this last Sunday which I was upset over because she went out again this time friends and said she got drunk right after she told me she had a great time at church. Originally she lied about where she went and later told me so I was upset but said she lied because of what I'd already told her previously. I'm however nor really worried about other men, not yet at least because although she's gorgeous I just don't see her that way.