Waiting until marriage

[msfrizzle]

Hi guys
So I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. We're both 21. I'm a virgin (always wanted to wait until marriage) and he's not but he got saved baptized and filled and is waiting until marriage as well. we both fear God and know we have to do what's right. the thing is, I've recently been struggling. we've had times where we should've stopped things but never actually sex or anything like that. I we feel that just leaving things at kissing will be the best for us. I want to keep things this way but whenever I'm around him I feel tempted (not to engage in sex really but just tempted to take things further than they should go) but I know I shouldn't do it causes me to feel really irritable. & we are kissing less because it helps keep us on the right track. he often stops during kissing and tells me that's enough before things go further. honestly I'm used to being the girl telling guys to stop... it just seemed so much easier with other guys. but Now I've finally got someone who wants to wait just like me and for some reason it just seemed easier when I didnt. how can I control how I feel ? I don't want to feel irritated because I cannot be more intimate with him. I wish the desire wasnt there. I feel so bad. does anyone have advice? anyone been in this situation?

 

[MollyConnor]

Hi guys
So I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. We're both 21. I'm a virgin (always wanted to wait until marriage) and he's not but he got saved baptized and filled and is waiting until marriage as well. we both fear God and know we have to do what's right. the thing is, I've recently been struggling. we've had times where we should've stopped things but never actually sex or anything like that. I we feel that just leaving things at kissing will be the best for us. I want to keep things this way but whenever I'm around him I feel tempted (not to engage in sex really but just tempted to take things further than they should go) but I know I shouldn't do it causes me to feel really irritable. & we are kissing less because it helps keep us on the right track. he often stops during kissing and tells me that's enough before things go further. honestly I'm used to being the girl telling guys to stop... it just seemed so much easier with other guys. but Now I've finally got someone who wants to wait just like me and for some reason it just seemed easier when I didnt. how can I control how I feel ? I don't want to feel irritated because I cannot be more intimate with him. I wish the desire wasnt there. I feel so bad. does anyone have advice? anyone been in this situation?

I've never been in this situation (never had a boyfriend lol), so pardon my answer if it's wrong. But I will attempt to give you a good answer anyway.

First of all, don't feel bad about wanting to be intimate with him. This is normal and a blessing from God. He wants you to desire this in a man within the context of marriage.

Secondly, if even kissing causes you to get...turned on...for lack of better words, don't do it! You need to keep your relationship pure before marriage. Try to set boundaries and pray together and separately about this.

If you have to wait on the kissing/holding hands etc. until marriage, then do it. I know it goes against our culture, but you definitely don't want a relationship like most Americans have these days. So in order for you to have a different result, you need a different formula.

Also, don't lust. Push those thoughts away. If you're always thinking about sex, (which I'm not saying you are but just trying to help you out) it can lead you to frustrations. Don't talk about sexual things with this man. Treat him as a brother in Christ, as that is all he is to you for now. Once you are married, you can further the passion.

Finally, if you really are ready to get married and you are engaged, try to get married as soon as possible. It's better to marry, than to burn with passion just like 1 Corinthians 7:9 says. But make sure you are ready to marry this fellow and that this is really the one God has for you. If you are sure of that, and he is too, get married soon.

I hope it all works out well for you. Kudos for waiting, because hardly anyone does these days! God bless you and your relationship.

 

[nerdstone]

Sexual sin is sexual sin. Call sin SIN. The bible commands us to flee from the passions of the youth (2 Tim 2:22). That is to mean have nothing to do with anything that will ignite evil desires in us: petting, kissing whatever. The best thing to do is to separate from such relationship as far as you can. God is a righteous and Holy God and He will never bend low to His standards so us to accommodate our compromise. The ways of the LORD are Holy and those who call themselves Christians Must meet the full stature of Christ.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

It's a typical frustration and there is probably nothing you can do about feeling that way, but it's respectable of you to cling to something you both consider virtuous in spite of the angst. Your values are important. Hold fast to them if this truly what you want. Violating them stands to inhibit the experience.

 

[tourist]

I've never been in this situation (never had a boyfriend lol), so pardon my answer if it's wrong. But I will attempt to give you a good answer anyway.

First of all, don't feel bad about wanting to be intimate with him. This is normal and a blessing from God. He wants you to desire this in a man within the context of marriage.

Secondly, if even kissing causes you to get...turned on...for lack of better words, don't do it! You need to keep your relationship pure before marriage. Try to set boundaries and pray together and separately about this.

If you have to wait on the kissing/holding hands etc. until marriage, then do it. I know it goes against our culture, but you definitely don't want a relationship like most Americans have these days. So in order for you to have a different result, you need a different formula.

Also, don't lust. Push those thoughts away. If you're always thinking about sex, (which I'm not saying you are but just trying to help you out) it can lead you to frustrations. Don't talk about sexual things with this man. Treat him as a brother in Christ, as that is all he is to you for now. Once you are married, you can further the passion.

Finally, if you really are ready to get married and you are engaged, try to get married as soon as possible. It's better to marry, than to burn with passion just like 1 Corinthians 7:9 says. But make sure you are ready to marry this fellow and that this is really the one God has for you. If you are sure of that, and he is too, get married soon.

I hope it all works out well for you. Kudos for waiting, because hardly anyone does these days! God bless you and your relationship.

The next to the last paragraph was outstanding counsel.

 

[ServantStrike]

I think your boyfriend sounds like a good man, and an exceptional Christian. Many men don't take any time to consider how their actions might affect the women they date, but he's trying to keep you from getting over excited.

When your boyfriend tells you he needs to take a break, respect him for it. Understand that he says so out of love. The more a man loves and deeply cares about a woman, the more concerned he is with trying to protect her.

There is a big difference between your current boyfriend who wants to wait and someone who doesn't want to wait. The man that doesn't want to wait is going to use your emotional vulnerability and try to push your boundaries while kissing. A saved man is going to be dealing with a very confusing blend of emotions.

When I kiss my fiance, my eyes are always open, and my mind is always racing - and not in the way you think. I'm trying to assess the situation and ensure that the experience is enjoyable for her while at the same time ensuring it doesn't escalate any further. She gets to be lost in the moment, but I don't get that luxury until we are married. And she's aware of this and actually tells me when she's feeling too attracted to me (definitely a keeper). And there have been times when I tell her we've got to stop.


If you haven't already, you and your boyfriend need to discuss boundaries. You can have a clear set of rules that you both can adhere to - and those rules are still open to negotiation. When he says he's too revved up, then let him get some air.

 

[pwrnJC]

The Bible does say : "IF the man cannot control his passion, and the woman is in the flower of her youth, let them marry, it is NOT a sin!". Only the couple involved will know when the moment is there and the marriage should occur. Think about it..marriage is the freedom to express with each other the awesome emotions, feelings, and physical actions without inhibitions...What a blessing that real marriage really is....and what a joke it is to have NOTHING to look forward to on your wedding night!

 

[jamie26301]

Also, don't lust. Push those thoughts away. If you're always thinking about sex, (which I'm not saying you are but just trying to help you out) it can lead you to frustrations. Don't talk about sexual things with this man. Treat him as a brother in Christ, as that is all he is to you for now. Once you are married, you can further the passion.

If I may, this is bound to only make the frustrations more intense. Not my opinion, it's basic psychology.

The more you try not to think about something, the more you will actually think about it and the deeper rooted it will get. And you don't want to associate your good, God-given sex drive with negative "no-no" thoughts... chances are that will follow you into your marriage and you may find it hard to enjoy because you've programmed your brain to associate sexful feelings with sin.

A piece of paper and a ring isn't going to magically change your feelings about it overnight. I could be wrong. But struggles for women in enjoying sex is often rooted in believing it was gross and immoral for two or three decades - and any good expectations about it were unrealistically high. That's a long time of mind conditioning. The brain can certainly relearn this, but it takes time.

I had a slight stalling period in full enjoyment, and I wasn't even a virgin. But the little intimacy I did have before my husband was shrouded in guilt, and the long gaps between intimate encounters was spent demonizing it internally. So, I speak from experience that your preexisting sentiments can inhibit you.

I would suggest thought replacement, not thought stopping (just putting it out of your mind)... it doesn't work. You can expel one demon and sweep your house, but he will come back with ten more because you didn't replace him with welcome guests.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/201007/why-thought-stopping-doesn-t-work

Basically what it is is when you have a sexual thought, put it out AND THEN replace it. Number 12 on this list is the kind of thing I mean.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...01207/sixteen-strategies-combating-rumination

Say a Scripture, or focus on some non-physical quality you like about your boyfriend. This may be helpful. I don't think the medical community at large sees sexual desires as abnormal patterns that needs to be suppressed or altered (unless it's an addiction), so I'm not sure how much information there would be on that specifically, peer reviewed anyway. But if you see sexual thoughts as intrusive at this point in your life, but you don't want to build a negative belief association with sex, you may want to try this.

Finally, if you really are ready to get married and you are engaged, try to get married as soon as possible. It's better to marry, than to burn with passion just like 1 Corinthians 7:9 says. But make sure you are ready to marry this fellow and that this is really the one God has for you. If you are sure of that, and he is too, get married soon.

I agree with Tourist on this one. I said this to my husband, that if we're sure we can co-habit, insyc and in love, lets not wait longer than need be. We were engaged four months.

I hope it all works out well for you. Kudos for waiting, because hardly anyone does these days! God bless you and your relationship.

I would submit there is more to making a good relationship than being a virgin, I'm sure you understand. I've heard of couples who went into marriage not virgins and being happier, better adjusted than a couple that waited... because the courting didn't have SO MUCH emphasis on the chastity (the virginity is gone so there's no pressure to keep it - and can actually make sex EASIER to resist, because you have the "been there, done that" and focus on other things... but that depends on the people too). There can be far more emotional and intellectual exploration because the retaining of purity wasn't a stressful distraction on time spent together, and even if you're not a virgin, you marry someone you've never had. And it feels brand new.

Blessings.

 

[setapartgirl]

You got a keeper there! Big respect to your man! And to you too! I think its better to avoid compromising situations, like you and him hanging out in private places, you can do that in public places on where you will not be tempted!

 

[Gateway]

I can't really understand,
I'm single since my birth
but take care of yourself!

Kissing before marriage
is like to break the rules!
That's not respectful
to the Lord, you must wait patiently
being calm until wedding time!

 

[Abing]

Hi guys
So I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. We're both 21. I'm a virgin (always wanted to wait until marriage) and he's not but he got saved baptized and filled and is waiting until marriage as well. we both fear God and know we have to do what's right. the thing is, I've recently been struggling. we've had times where we should've stopped things but never actually sex or anything like that. I we feel that just leaving things at kissing will be the best for us. I want to keep things this way but whenever I'm around him I feel tempted (not to engage in sex really but just tempted to take things further than they should go) but I know I shouldn't do it causes me to feel really irritable. & we are kissing less because it helps keep us on the right track. he often stops during kissing and tells me that's enough before things go further. honestly I'm used to being the girl telling guys to stop... it just seemed so much easier with other guys. but Now I've finally got someone who wants to wait just like me and for some reason it just seemed easier when I didnt. how can I control how I feel ? I don't want to feel irritated because I cannot be more intimate with him. I wish the desire wasnt there. I feel so bad. does anyone have advice? anyone been in this situation?

Pray and once you're sure he's the one, get married.