We Just Can't Get it Together - WHATEVER

[Cindy12]

Cindy, I didn't notice anyone call YOU mean or hateful in this thread. What I did see, is a variety of ways some of us tried to communicate to you that... YES there was a problem but it wasn't your husband.
I encourage you to linger where you are now (humbled), get yourself a notebook and prayerfully ask the Lord to speak to you about 3 things you need to repent of and therefore re-order your thoughts and actions to be walking in faith and agreement with the word.
I think everyone wants you to be successful, we can pray for you, but we cannot DO IT for you.... you have to do your part.

I'm feeling pretty battered, bruised and worn out. Praying for some peace. Going to church now to help with a summer lunch program for tomorrow, will find my way to the alter. He was kind when he got home, said hello, made his way out to the yard to burn brush ..... another burn, but he needs time. Heck, at least he came home after telling me how I beat him up.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I am trying so hard, and I did tell him today that I try to open up and talk, but I have fears of being shot down, hurt, criticized, so I back off. He seemed to understand that (after sweetly yelling at me about all the horrible things I have been doing or making him feel) .... but my point was that after 23 years, we should be past this. He should have been able to respond to me on Day #1 of this entire situation with words that explained how he felt and we could have bypassed this all. Its the lack of communication that continues to shoot the 2 of us down when we have major hurdles (and thankfully, the MAJOR ones have been very few) ... but we need to learn. My son tells me that for 19 years, he's been this way and he ain't changing, so we just need to be happy he has become a Christian, been baptized, is going to church, and is changing his ways day by day since mid last year. Lady Blue, I think in his heart and mind, he was this family's hero, and I tore that down. *UGH* .... but I sincerely didn't mean to. I have great love for all humans in this world and go overboard to serve my family - i never realized i was breaking his heart. Today was about him venting all his hurt, anger and feelings. I just listened, agreed, and tried to hear (really hear) what he was saying. Wow, that was powerful and I realize my wrongs. We still need to be able to communicate, this wouldn't have happened, but praise God for the small steps. I think I have some tender days ahead. My heart is broken and torn too.

Try rebuilding his ego a little. Remind him what an excellent father and husband he is. Tell him that no matter what, he still is, always has been and always will be your hero.. Kiss him and hug him and tell him how much you appreciate him and all he does for your family.

 

[atwhatcost]

Oh, See the first time you wrote that, I concluded that you were making a joke or being rhetorical as it was in a BIBLE STUDY thread and Christians who know their bible DO KNOW there is no actual FRUIT named. Lemons are however highly valued for their culinary and medicinal uses including preserving, cleansing and purifying... really amazing fruit really. You might not know that, I seem to recall you mentioned you don't cook. Now that you have brought up the question AGAIN, I must now conclude that my first assessment of your commentary was in error and it is indeed an intentionally snarly comment born from the your own embittered spirit.

Says the woman who doesn't like to cook, and doesn't even like to clean -- common knowledge of lemons is still in my mind. lol

 

[atwhatcost]

WAit a minute Atwhatcost... for all you know... Hungry could be a doctor or a nutritionist or have a PHD in gerontology.

I am so glad someone else is impassioned by this problem (lol).... wondering if any one is going to try criticizing YOU!

If Hungry is, then Hungry specializes, and is assuming all older folks are like that because the ones he sees every day are like that. It's a different world from when I was young. (Back then eating junk was common.) I don't know anyone over the age of 45 who doesn't eat well now. I know very few under 45 that don't.

And this is reacting to the problem. Now the same husband who was sensitive and trustworthy last week apparently has bad health habits changing him in a whopping one week? Yeah, let's make up a diagnosis to skip the obvious.

And what's your job here? To pick apart anyone who disagrees with your specific treatment plan? You've missed a couple.

 

[atwhatcost]

You are right. The fact that I have expectations at all is wrong. I can only change me. Lord knows I need changing and I am working hard to be a better person day after day.

I'm not asking you to swim the Atlantic Ocean. I'm not asking you to do an ironman competition. I'm not even asking you to run up your steps. TALK! Honest to goodness talk! I've been telling you to talk all along, you keep agreeing, and yet, the end result is always the same. You keep quiet until his mood passes. There are many things I'm not good at but talking isn't one of them. I can absolutely tell you that not talking isn't talking! TALK!

 

[atwhatcost]

Well, I opened the can of worms up and talked today, risking it all, knowing that it would upset him and I go the earful I deserved. How humbling it was. He told me that I basically (not word for word) accused him of having a relationship with a woman 3000 miles away, that just because she sent a bikini picture didn't mean he was "sending her the wrong message" which I also accused him of. He said I told him to stop contact with her with my actions which were not nice actions. He told me that first I mentioned that he had no pictures of me on his phone, but plenty of her now that she sent so many. He said that when he talked about his "family" that in Honduras that meant a husband, wife and kids ... but that wasn't enough for me. I had to mention that he never said "WIFE" to her ... so he did that and then when she started asking personal questions about me, I got offended with that. He said I shot him down with everything he said, so he deleted the facebook to stop the madness I caused (yes, me).

Reality just shot me in the face, head and heart. I wore him down and I have no one to blame but myself. I apologized for what he heard me saying, explained my feelings and how I never meant it to be the way it came out and that I wanted him to forgive me. We talked about 20 minutes, his phone rang at the office and he said he had to go. The end. Humbled and taking in a huge reality check that I am the mean and hateful person most of you thought I was without even knowing it myself.

Tomorrow, go to a fancy department store and buy yourself a box of Godiva Chocolates. Not Hershey Chocolate. Not a Whitman Sampler. And realty not Brach (which isn't even made of chocolate! Godiva Chocolate. You've earned it. Treat yourself. I'd buy it for you, but I'd eat it all before I gave it to you.

Bingo! You talked. You finally found out what was eating him. (Kind of what I feared was eating him.) Congratulations. Not what you wanted to hear, and it hurt (thus chocolate), but you finally did the one thing I've been wanting you to do -- TALK.

Now do some of that every day, and you do something else you have done in a while -- connect. Even better then Godiva Chocolate, and that's huge. lol

 

[atwhatcost]

Well, I opened the can of worms up and talked today, risking it all, knowing that it would upset him and I go the earful I deserved. How humbling it was. He told me that I basically (not word for word) accused him of having a relationship with a woman 3000 miles away, that just because she sent a bikini picture didn't mean he was "sending her the wrong message" which I also accused him of. He said I told him to stop contact with her with my actions which were not nice actions. He told me that first I mentioned that he had no pictures of me on his phone, but plenty of her now that she sent so many. He said that when he talked about his "family" that in Honduras that meant a husband, wife and kids ... but that wasn't enough for me. I had to mention that he never said "WIFE" to her ... so he did that and then when she started asking personal questions about me, I got offended with that. He said I shot him down with everything he said, so he deleted the facebook to stop the madness I caused (yes, me).

Reality just shot me in the face, head and heart. I wore him down and I have no one to blame but myself. I apologized for what he heard me saying, explained my feelings and how I never meant it to be the way it came out and that I wanted him to forgive me. We talked about 20 minutes, his phone rang at the office and he said he had to go. The end. Humbled and taking in a huge reality check that I am the mean and hateful person most of you thought I was without even knowing it myself.

Not mean and hateful. Jealous.

 

[BarlyGurl]

And what's your job here? To pick apart anyone who disagrees with your specific treatment plan? You've missed a couple

Says the woman who doesn't like to cook, and doesn't even like to clean -- common knowledge of lemons is still in my mind

Pick apart who and what treatment plan are you referring to? missed a couple what?

Who doesn't like to cook or clean?

your posts are attached to my quotes... Having trouble figuring out how your comments pertain to my quotes?
clarify please?

 

[Aaron61]

Do go for a weekend retreat. Check out United Marriage Encounter a private retreat every couple should attend. We did .... and transformed our marriage beyond what we ever imagine it could become. Just celebrated our 30th anniversary!

 

[Cindy12]

Do go for a weekend retreat. Check out United Marriage Encounter a private retreat every couple should attend. We did .... and transformed our marriage beyond what we ever imagine it could become. Just celebrated our 30th anniversary!

That's a definite idea I was thinking about this week --- we are leaving for a week long vacation to the beach Sunday morning. This morning when he left for work, he said "babe, are you super excited that we leave for vacation in 2 days" ... he hugged me, told me how much he loved me and how much fun we were going to have. God must have timed this perfectly because we sure do need the quality time together. I will still look into the marriage retreat ... I have always wanted to do one of those!

 

[Cindy12]

Try rebuilding his ego a little. Remind him what an excellent father and husband he is. Tell him that no matter what, he still is, always has been and always will be your hero.. Kiss him and hug him and tell him how much you appreciate him and all he does for your family.

Thank you, again Lady Blue, your words for some reason touch my heart in a special way always. I did exactly what you said above last night ... he hugged me extra hard and told me how much he loves me. It meant the world to me. He is so hard to talk to, so MORE hard to get to say something back, and its like I had to make him so mad he finally burst and let me have it, and I deserved it -- was tough to hear, but wow what a learning lesson. (and I do learn ) .... your advice has worked for me every single time. Thank you.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Thank you, again Lady Blue, your words for some reason touch my heart in a special way always. I did exactly what you said above last night ... he hugged me extra hard and told me how much he loves me. It meant the world to me. He is so hard to talk to, so MORE hard to get to say something back, and its like I had to make him so mad he finally burst and let me have it, and I deserved it -- was tough to hear, but wow what a learning lesson. (and I do learn ) .... your advice has worked for me every single time. Thank you.

​You are very welcome.. Glad I could help..

 

[pwrnJC]

God bless you, sister for wanting the best in your marriage. What we have here is the internet. THe INTERNET is newer and fresher to the world. IT takes total strangers and puts them with other TOTAL strangers and asks for advice from them. Billions of times, the advice is not what we expect or desire...but that is just one DOWNSIDE of the issue. Not only do people air all of their dirty laundry in public, but I find that too many times, it takes the place of seeking the Holy Spirit's touch on it. Gone are the days when a CHRISTIAN turns to a trusted pastor, counselor, holy spirit filled friend and even a few church elders and leaders for personal advice....especially when they can tell the world their personal problems in a FORUM such as this. Doesn't GOD hear your prayers? Do you have faith that HE does? Once I leave my problems at the foot of the CROSS, I walk away in total faith that the issue is now in HIS hands and HE heard, HE listsened, and HIs sweet Spirit steps in and gives me COMFORT...that is HIS job...I no longer have to type out my issues and post them online for the world to laugh at. THe world does not need to hear my issues. Even if I lived in the back of a cave, I still have GOD as my FATHER in whom I can talk to by the hour. What would happen if the internet forums disappeared all together? How did we survive before it was invented? "Just a little talk with JESUS makes it right"

 

[Cindy12]

God bless you, sister for wanting the best in your marriage. What we have here is the internet. THe INTERNET is newer and fresher to the world. IT takes total strangers and puts them with other TOTAL strangers and asks for advice from them. Billions of times, the advice is not what we expect or desire...but that is just one DOWNSIDE of the issue. Not only do people air all of their dirty laundry in public, but I find that too many times, it takes the place of seeking the Holy Spirit's touch on it. Gone are the days when a CHRISTIAN turns to a trusted pastor, counselor, holy spirit filled friend and even a few church elders and leaders for personal advice....especially when they can tell the world their personal problems in a FORUM such as this. Doesn't GOD hear your prayers? Do you have faith that HE does? Once I leave my problems at the foot of the CROSS, I walk away in total faith that the issue is now in HIS hands and HE heard, HE listsened, and HIs sweet Spirit steps in and gives me COMFORT...that is HIS job...I no longer have to type out my issues and post them online for the world to laugh at. THe world does not need to hear my issues. Even if I lived in the back of a cave, I still have GOD as my FATHER in whom I can talk to by the hour. What would happen if the internet forums disappeared all together? How did we survive before it was invented? "Just a little talk with JESUS makes it right"

All true, but I learned a lot here and got some fantastic advice; even though God is the one who makes the changes in us; I can learn how to behave on the outside that best fits my family and husband in these circumstances. A lot of times, people who have experience in these matters have a lot of good advice to give - while God is working - and that worked out to my benefit for sure. Technology and the Internet are also great ways of spreading the good news of the Lord to people who may have never heard of Jesus!

 

[Hungry]

If Hungry is, then Hungry specializes, and is assuming all older folks are like that because the ones he sees every day are like that. It's a different world from when I was young. (Back then eating junk was common.) I don't know anyone over the age of 45 who doesn't eat well now. I know very few under 45 that don't.

And this is reacting to the problem. Now the same husband who was sensitive and trustworthy last week apparently has bad health habits changing him in a whopping one week? Yeah, let's make up a diagnosis to skip the obvious.

And what's your job here? To pick apart anyone who disagrees with your specific treatment plan? You've missed a couple.

Wow! I never criticized anybody or any advice. I think it is prudent and beneficial to view every problem from all angles. Part of what I was focusing on was the history of depression. Serotonin (the neurotransmitter the makes you "happy") is produced in the intestines. Your diet, food sensitivities, medication and all that you put into your body effects this production. SSRIs interfere with the natural breakdown of serotonin in your body causing levels to increase. The serotonin mutates and eventually causes brain damage, cancers and greater problems. If you are interested I can explain how but just knowing it does should be enough to not want to. There is also a huge drop in testosterone with all males including ones in their twenties. This leads to several health concerns as well, with moodiness and depression being among them.

For the record I wasn't stereotyping the elderly as being moody. Over time the body's ability to suppress symptoms weakens and then surfaces as sickness and disease. The food that was eaten decades ago was not as loaded with as much sugar, salt and fat as it is today. As well, overfarmed fields (depleted vitamins and nutrients), GMOs, pesticides and heavy metals for our produce, and antibiotics, estrogen and growth hormones for the livestock. Let's not forget the plastics, food colouring, artificial sweetners and oxidized oils we love so much. How about AGEs and glycation due to deep fried foods and bbq. We live in a different world now and not a better one. You would be surprised just how proper nutrition and good health can effect your spiritual walk. But what would I know, I'm just 39. Btw, I'm not a doctor just a guy with an insatiable appetite for knowledge, including all of the functions of God's wonderful creation, the human body. Every time I learn something new about how our bodies work I am in awe from the work of His hands and trust Him all the more.