What are your hard limits and soft limits?

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Rachel20

Senior Member
May 7, 2013
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I think there are lots of threads on dealbreakers, red flags and all kinds of signals but they are usually before someone makes that decision to step into a relationship.

However once you are in a relationship, to always expect things to go smoothly is wishful thinking.

Casting aside general trivial friction, as I've talked to friends, they often discuss things that are ''forgive''able and things that are not.

As Christians we are expected to forgive one another, even seventy times seven just as our Father in Heaven forgives us. However in the context of a relationship , do you keep any limits? Are there any boundaries such that if someone crosses that you are unwilling to move past your position.

If so, what are they? I am curious :)


Here are mine -


Hard Limits -
Infidelity - both emotional and physical, Deception of any kind - (lying about their health, financial status, education etc,) choosing someone else over you or having too close friendships with someone of the opposite gender, allowing family members to have a say in matters that should be between only two, alcohol, drug usage


Soft Limits - watching boring things on tv for hours, being disorganized, listening to uncool music, stubbornness, bad drivers



If someone crosses my soft limits, I'd suck it up and forgive them. As for hard limits, those I would let God let me know how to deal with them.

PS - I do realize that for marriages, sexual immorality is only considered grounds for divorce. This is not in terms of marriages though, but in relationships. However if you wish to address this , please do go ahead as well. Just remember to keep it solely as a Biblical perspective, supported with Scripture only.

Thanks and God bless you.
 
I tend to be very forgiving. I would have to see limits passed on a chronic basis before I'd cut ties with a friend.

Hard limits would be lying/deception, being deliberately cruel, shutting me out completely, being unforgiving.

Soft limits would be constantly changing plans, showing no desire to be helpful, selfishness, severe impulsiveness (like chasing the Big Dream, switching jobs frequently, etc).
 
Hard Limits: If he's not in a strong relationship with God or at least working hard on being in a strong relationship with God. If he lied to me. If he's rude or stubborn or not clean or impatient.

Soft Limits: If he has a beard and a mustache, that's an aversion to me. If he doesn't like day light to come into the house, but rather like to always close the curtains. If he's not romantic in his own way as a man, he doesn't have to be as romantic as I am. :o
 
IloveyouGod said:
Hard Limits: If he's not in a strong relationship with God or at least working hard on being in a strong relationship with God. If he lied to me. If he's rude or stubborn or not clean or impatient.

Soft Limits: If he has a beard and a mustache, that's an aversion to me. If he doesn't like day light to come into the house, but rather like to always close the curtains. If he's not romantic in his own way as a man, he doesn't have to be as romantic as I am. :o
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That guy hanging up on your wall has a beard and a mustache.
 
I'm with grace-like-rain. I tend to be pretty well forgiving, and a boundary has to be crossed several times before I draw a line in the sand so to speak.
 
hard limit: deception/cheating, inability to control temper, unwilling to communicate/resolve conflict or concerns, turning back/rejection of God

i'm not entirely sure what you mean "soft limit" in the context of a relationship, so i'm going to assume that it's "red flag" behavior that isn't grounds for ending the relationship.

i overlook and easily forgive in general, but when it become a pattern of behavior (especially in conjunction with other stuff) the "soft limit" behavior will eventually be a problem for me.

also, i wouldn't consider most "smaller things" as soft limits for me. i'm pretty much a "live and let live" person when it comes to others' general behavior -- "little stuff" seldom bothers me much, and intention definitely matters to me.

the flip side of that coin, is that i tend to expect that same kind of easy-going attitude about the "little things" and controlling or nit-picky behavior is really difficult for me to handle.

soft limits: evidence of a pattern of the following: selfish behavior, severe/prolonged moodiness, hurtful words, not following through on commitments (flakiness), uncommunicative
 
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Animus said:
This joke is going to cost you, in the form of a large number of unsavory gentlemen callers.
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As long as they look like so

NEC12365.jpg
 
You forgot and long hair too, which is I also don't like. BUT there's an exception for each rule. I didn't say it's a hard limit and I didn't say there's no way I'll accept it. It looks very nice on some men. But very few of them. Those who are extremely handsome, it looks very cute on them, exactly like that guy hanging up on my wall.


tourist said:
That guy hanging up on your wall has a beard and a mustache.
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Monica, I was thinking hard limits and soft limits in terms of resource usage in a unix system.

The soft limit is what is enforced for a process but the hard limit is the ceiling put by the administrator. A soft limit can never exceed the hard limit, and a hard limit can only be increased by the superuser/administrator.

Basically a soft limit can be crossed but not a hard limit. I guess I was just putting that into the context of relationships as what you can tolerate and what you cannot.
 
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Rachel20 said:
Monica, I was thinking hard limits and soft limits in terms of resource usage in a unix system.

The soft limit is what is enforced for a process but the hard limit is the ceiling put by the administrator. A soft limit can never exceed the hard limit, and a hard limit can only be increased by the superuser/administrator.

Basically a soft limit can be crossed but not a hard limit. I guess I was just putting that into the context of relationships as what you can tolerate and what you cannot.
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Hi Rachel20: You have some interesting terminology. Do you have a degree in psychology maybe? or even management?

Blessings.
 
Thanks for the responses everyone. Glad to know many of you are forgiving, even zero limit people :p


My intentions on asking this, I seem to come across many people who talk about boundaries.

I just want to understand what are the general boundaries most people have, because once you're on the other side and you do cross some invisible line, you feel baffled when the other person gets upset.

Maybe it's a cultural difference. I don't know. Indians are mostly open.

If people have certain limitations to themselves, I think it would be better if they made everything clear from the start.

Other than that, you guys are all winners! :D
 
Hard Limits: Dishonesty, Untrustworthy, Disrespectful All three are absolute deal breakers, though im flexible on dishonesty to an extent while unwilling to compromise on the other two (I know that sounds contradictory but read on). People lie a lot in the early phases of a relationship in my experience and some of the reasons I can understand (Though it doesn't make it ok). It's the old habit of people presenting themselves the way they think you would like them the best type stuff I'm talking about mostly. I place more importance on that after we've spent alot of time together and have had the whole "I'd rather you be yourself with me" talk. It takes time for most people to really be themselves so I let alot of stuff slide in the early phases.


Soft limits: Cover Hog, can't sleep with a fan on, doesn't like to dance, likes bad music. I can forgive those but they are definitely negative brownie points.
 
Rachel20 said:
I think there are lots of threads on dealbreakers, red flags and all kinds of signals but they are usually before someone makes that decision to step into a relationship.

However once you are in a relationship, to always expect things to go smoothly is wishful thinking.

Casting aside general trivial friction, as I've talked to friends, they often discuss things that are ''forgive''able and things that are not.

As Christians we are expected to forgive one another, even seventy times seven just as our Father in Heaven forgives us. However in the context of a relationship , do you keep any limits? Are there any boundaries such that if someone crosses that you are unwilling to move past your position.

If so, what are they? I am curious :)


Here are mine -


Hard Limits -
Infidelity - both emotional and physical, Deception of any kind - (lying about their health, financial status, education etc,) choosing someone else over you or having too close friendships with someone of the opposite gender, allowing family members to have a say in matters that should be between only two, alcohol, drug usage


Soft Limits - watching boring things on tv for hours, being disorganized, listening to uncool music, stubbornness, bad drivers



If someone crosses my soft limits, I'd suck it up and forgive them. As for hard limits, those I would let God let me know how to deal with them.

PS - I do realize that for marriages, sexual immorality is only considered grounds for divorce. This is not in terms of marriages though, but in relationships. However if you wish to address this , please do go ahead as well. Just remember to keep it solely as a Biblical perspective, supported with Scripture only.

Thanks and God bless you.
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Rachel20: Your ideas are very interesting; I'm still not quite sure what you may have been thinking of in terms of how these ideas work out practically, as you have been perceiving them. Any further examples might be helpful?
 
faroukfarouk said:
Rachel20: Your ideas are very interesting; I'm still not quite sure what you may have been thinking of in terms of how these ideas work out practically, as you have been perceiving them. Any further examples might be helpful?
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Haha, Farouk, honestly now, I myself don't get what I was trying to say.

I was thinking in terms of boundaries and how fuzzy it gets, when people misread signals.... oh well. I will think of something. For now - just meh :D
 
Rachel20 said:
Haha, Farouk, honestly now, I myself don't get what I was trying to say.

I was thinking in terms of boundaries and how fuzzy it gets, when people misread signals.... oh well. I will think of something. For now - just meh :D
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Maybe it's related to the matter of what might be regarded as unacceptable behavior in India and the West respectively (gender roles, etc.); I reckon that it does not necessarily correlate.
 
Donkeyfish07 said:
Soft limits: Cover Hog, can't sleep with a fan on, doesn't like to dance, likes bad music. I can forgive those but they are definitely negative brownie points.
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I like the fan blown in my face while I sleep... So get your own!
 
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