What makes a (man)?

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Blain

Blain

The Word Weaver
Aug 28, 2012
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4,099
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My friends I come to you with another heavy burden of mine. My teacher whom I live with who has been more of a mom to me than anyone other than my two moms here in cc has had it worse in life than me she is burdened with insane pain and illness her body is so wracked with pain and she never gets a break from it every day she is in insane pain and feels horrible she takes severe pain meds that really help but make her very drunk like she can't tell whats going on around her and her body become numb and she can't move so she can only take it at night and not very often. Yet even with all this she takes care of her family she cleans she cooks she baby sits the kids she goes out of her way to help others even at the church she manages their finiances and does it for free and she goes shopping and lends money when she can.

But her husband Chris is another story, at least he goes to work but nothing else, when he comes home all he does is go in his room lay in bed and watch t.v. actually he does this all day everyday unless he has to go to work he refuses to help her he refuses to do anything for anyone and he is always complaining he is rude to her and whines if he doesn't get his way or if he has to get up. I don't confront him about all of this because it's not my place but if I did I would have a few things to say.

The man of the house-the husband is suppose to be a man but what defines a man? My opinion and what I strongly believe is that the body doesn't make a man age does not make a man, what makes a man is his heart. A man is strong he is responsible he puts his family first far before himself he takes care of the needs of his family he shows them what it means to be a family, he is both gentle and kind yet is stern and strict when need be because you have to balance the two in order for a child to grow as a good person. A man will lay down his life for another especially his family a man is respectful and a man does not sit around and do nothing while the ppl who rely on him struggle on their own.

As the father of the house the entire family relies on him but he cares only about himself, he doesn't realize that every action he takes has a ripple effect and effects everyone and everything around him it effects how his family lives it effects who they become as adults it effects their entire lives. I will lay down my life for any one of them I will suffer greatly and intensely for their sake and I will not sit around and let them barely make it by because I refuse to put in effort, but I am not the man of the house it is not my job nor my place . I help with money I help any way I can but in all honesty because Chris has always put himself first above the family they are in a huge money hole they have had to borrow money from me even a hundred dollars just to get food and I never make them pay me back.

Chris is someone that needs God's help badly because he is not just ruining himself but he is taking his family down with him.
Maybe what it means to be a man to me is different than to others and I admit that I am not a man yet but if Chris doesn't step up then his family is going to suffer a lot
 
Hi Blain,
As a 45-year old male, I have lived in this world long enough to consider offering some input...

In order of priority,

pray;

pray;

and, pray.

IF AND ONLY IF AND WHEN you CLEARLY sense the Lord telling YOU to do something specific other than pray, then do only what the Lord directs you to do. Otherwise, it is likely to blow up in your face. It isn't your fight. Help in practical ways without any intent to show him how it's done. Offer quiet support to your 'Mom' without allowing her to lean on you instead of her husband or the Lord. Pray for God's strength for her, His conviction for him, and wisdom for yourself.

I watched a video on YT recently, with Patrick Doyle. The subject was Confrontation... your 'Mom' may benefit from watching it.

Blessings,
Dino
 
From everything I've seen of you on this site, you're absolutely wrong!

You ARE a man!!!

You have the strength, the knowledge of the one who gives you that strength, and the heart to love immeasurably.

I cannot give Man Lessons for obvious reasons, but I can tell you things I've observed in men and things I know of myself.

I know something of the pain Second-Mom is going through, although she has more strength than I do, because she can endure it longer. I almost gave in to the only other choice given us when facing incredible pain -- suicide. The only thing that stopped me was a promise made to hubby that I would not. I held out as long as I could to that promise, and when I was running out of willpower God kicked in and got doctors to do what needed doing long before that -- treat the pain, if they couldn't fix the problem. (There was a no law that said they had to until January 1, 2000. 6 AM, right smack in the middle of a Mummers Parade, on January 1, 2000, I walked into the ER and was treated for that pain. An earmark day in my memory. And they were still cheap on the treating it, but I got enough pain relief for any 3 hours of the day I wanted it.)

But I saw the hopelessness in hubby's eyes one night when I was in so much pain, and he went out with his buddies that night. (Not drinking. Just to watch a football game at a buddy's house.) I said it was okay, so not like he walked out on me. I knew he needed a break, but it was one of my worst nights, and I saw hopelessness when he said good night to me.

Kind of scary, since he was my visual on hope. (God may be hope, but sometimes we need a closer visual -- that family you want to experience feeling to it.)

Two years later, I was on pain meds managing. (Still on them. They are what keeps me going. Not a full life, but at least past merely surviving moment by moment.) Hubby became sick. Very sick. HCV 2B. (The only type of Hepatitis that is treatable with the probability of being cured, but Hep treatment is a milder dose of chemo treatment, so it makes the patient even sicker.) I felt as helpless as he felt for me, with one big exception. We knew this treatment would make him better. We kept hearing doctors tell me stuff would help that didn't, until they ran out of ideas.

I now understand why he felt into hopelessness that one night. The only worse thing than getting terribly sick is to have your family member get terribly sick. The only thing worse than that is to know the person will never get better. It drains. It drains everything out of you.

I don't blame Chris for giving up. How long has it been since there was no hope? I have to muster all my courage to call my Dad once in a while. He's right smack in the middle of Stage 2, which is where he loses all of his recent (and recent means since he's been 30) memories, and quite a few of his early memories. He has become senseless but thinking he's acting normal. I cannot go to his house anymore, because all I would do there is cry and he'd have absolutely no idea why I'm crying, and chances are he'd get angry, because angry is a part of Stage 2 also. We're to the point of convincing him to go to a home, but he lives on instinct and his instinct has always, always (even as Dad and we kids were growing up) to be alone in his own house. That too is hopeless. I want to bury my head in the sand. It's easier.

Chris is doing that for that same reason.

80% of marriages fall apart when one spouse becomes permanently disabled. It sounds cruel, but it is also self-preservation.

So, yes, Chris is a man. The only difference between you and him is God. And because of God, you are a better man. That doesn't make him not-a-man. That makes him a flawed man.

Being a flawed woman, I have empathy for both in that marriage. What might help him is to go in and watch TV with him. If possible, talk to him. One of the stupid traditions of male society in America is to bottle up emotions. He's doing that. He could use someone to talk to. You being the better man, might get him to open up. I don't think he'll come all the way back from where he is, but with the ability to share his experiences with someone (and you share what you're thinking too, but in a kind way and how you're dealing with it, not how he is dealing with it, he might pluck up the courage to spend one evening a week with her.

That goes a long way to help her, because she must feel so terribly lonely without him.
 
lol me a man? I am child like in every sense of the word in body in heart and and mind, even ppl I only just met have told me I have this child like sense of innocence and they believe I am a child until I prove my age with my id lol. But still that is extremely kind of you and I really do appreciate it. For my second mom it's just like your situation the doctors say this and that will help but nothing does and she thinks about suicide all the time and honestly I don't blame her but she refuses to do so for one reason- her family. Chris has always been this way even before they got married, I would love to believe that it was for the reasons that you and your hubby went through but sadly I know him to well, he has been divorced by two different wives because he wouldn't do anything actually for a long time he wouldn't even get a job until my second mom had to quit hers because her health got to bad and he was complaining about that too.

Even Mrs. Callaway my second mom has told me how he was never there for her and how he never does anything and how if she asks him for a very small favor like to unload the dish washer for her he gets mad at her she was bawling in the car yesterday when her and I were talking about her and Chris she has had repeated nightmares of Chris attacking her although I don't think he has it in him to throw a punch not trying to be mean it's just his nature. I am very protective of her I have saved her life once from an attacker and I will do it again, if Chris ever does try to hurt her in one of his rages I can't imagine I would fight back but I will stand and protect her no matter how badly I am beaten or if I am bleeding I will protect her and I will protect all others who need it because ppl have anger and they have rage that fuels their attacking another but I have a fire burning inside me that burns of love and protection of all others because I saw that very fire in the eyes and heart of jesus.

If there ever does come a time when I may have to protect anothers life even if it's not Mrs. Callaways I hope I don't fight back but I will keep getting back up and we will see how anger and rage fairs against the fire and passion and love that comes from God's heart. As long as there is breath and life in my body I will never back down I will never give up and I will keep getting back up no matter the pain no matter how beaten or bruised I am because I swore to God when we began in faith that we would be strong for his sake and for all others sake and only out of such a love as his own and I meant what I said as if it was written I made this promise with him and the fire is the proof.

Anger and hatred fury and rage these are fuels that burn out quickly but love is an ever lasting all powerful fuel, the body even filled with such rage eventually becomes exhausted and wears out but one whose fire and love that burns from God's heart even in a body like mine has no limits
 
Blain, what you see you see. But Mrs. Calloway has no right to bring her marital issues to you - to complain about her husband to you. She should not involve you at all.

It might be good to try to avoid listening by telling her that she shouldn't be telling you these things. She should only pour out her heart unto the Lord, and then wait in His presence for comfort, wisdom or some instruction.

And what you happen to see, it would be best not to talk about either. Their marriage should be only between themselves. Of course, if you see him hitting her, call 911 or the police along with protecting her. And tell this man that you will do so if he strikes her again.
 
Joidevivre said:
Blain, what you see you see. But Mrs. Calloway has no right to bring her marital issues to you - to complain about her husband to you. She should not involve you at all.

It might be good to try to avoid listening by telling her that she shouldn't be telling you these things. She should only pour out her heart unto the Lord, and then wait in His presence for comfort, wisdom or some instruction.

And what you happen to see, it would be best not to talk about either. Their marriage should be only between themselves. Of course, if you see him hitting her, call 911 or the police along with protecting her. And tell this man that you will do so if he strikes her again.
Click to expand...

I am sure you have the best intentions in what you said but she has every right to do this, she needs someone who understands what she is going through and no one else will listen or even attempt to understand what she goes through. I am always there for anyone who who needs help I am always more than willing listen to others problems and help however I can because I do not exist for myself I exists solely for God and for others. If someone is crying out in pain would you just ignore them? If someone needed a helping hand would you not lend it? even if it ends up hurting me in the end I will always be there for the least of these
 
Sounds like you can be the Jesus (the Man) this lady needs to see for strength...who has the answers? Only Jesus :)
 
My mom has had health issues for as long as I can remember, but up until I was twelve she was able to do normal things like cleaning the house, laundry, and running errands without a problem. Well it started off like any other day and my sister and I were waking up and giggling and laughing and all of a sudden we heard this big thud in the bathroom. My mom fell in the shower and had a seizure. We waited until the seizing stopped to see if she can get up. Well, turned out she knocked the spout off the wall and impaled her armpit in the knob. We called 911 and made sure to cover her up. She spent about a week in the hospital and my dad fell apart literally and I was the one helping clean the house and what not. Doctors said she had five compression fractures and those will never heal.
Then after I graduated from high school my mom had two seizures while driving and her back got worse. She couldn't go two days without having one and so she spent most of the time in bed watching TV and talking on the phone while I catered to her while my dad was out working. So I basically was the housekeeper and the cook because of everything happening. My dad would feel terrible because I couldn't go out like normal teenagers, but he would tell me God will bless you because of you putting your mom first. And he did, granted I haven't seen all of it yet but I do know what God has blessed me with so far. I found a love for cleaning, cooking, and taking care of people and got to develop a close relationship with my parents.
But as far as your question goes about being man of the house, I believe a man is supportive, if the wife comes up short in an area, the man helps her out. Also loves and adores her throughout their entire life together, honoring the vows they spoke to each other on their wedding day.
But I agree with Dino, pray about it. Just remember it is their marriage and at least it gives you an idea on what you don't want to be.
 
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