what men THINK women Want vs what women THINK men Want.

[Liamson]

Like as a guy and as experience has taught me, There is a big difference between what I think women want and what women actually want.

AND I know that there is a difference between what Women think I want and what I actually want.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Society has two Novel sayings that some people take to mean more than the practical application demonstrates.


"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."

AND

"The way to a mans heart is through his stomach"


But when the Rubber meets the road, The guys is actually not interested in a woman's heart, he really is just trying to follow God. She is perhaps, in the way. "I really am going to school to be a missionary. No, I'm not taking you with me. I have to save money and I feel like a relationship would be a distraction."


All the single ladies at the bakes sales at church, may make everyone happy BUT... they aren't exactly slaying the hearts of men.

"Wow this muffin is magically delicious! Here is my phone number, you should call me" <-- Never happens.

- - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -- -------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Instead what we have is complete confusion. Women who wear funny looking clothes or just less clothes in general. Because nothing says "Keeper" like Giant hoop earrings and shorts that properly belong on a girl of half her age.

Men with V-neck t-shirts, skinny jeans and a Mustache SURELY they aren't really hoping that is going to swoon the ladies. I don't know what's right but I know whats very wrong.

====================================================

So, here is my question, what do women think we want them to be like?

And

What Should we be thinking that women want us to be like?

 

[Jullianna]

I don't know that it's possible to understand what the opposite gender wants from us because it is often not what they say it is. Most of the time they say what they think they should say because it's more acceptable than what they really want.

They say they want a godly wife, but so often they will be drawn in by the way a woman looks and either try to mold her into the woman they want her to be or try to convince themselves that she IS that woman.
They say they want intelligent women, but fall for the giggly airhead who tells them constantly how cute they are and feeds the ego.
They say they want modesty and purity, but are hypnotized by the woman who shows her underwear and talks about being naked alot.
They say you are everything they want, but they are too afraid to step up and do anything about it.

In the past week I have come to understand that some of the things I thought I wanted in a guy not so long ago almost creep me out today. I've learned that this is what I really want:

- Someone who leads by example, not by bullying
- Someone who means what he says and says what he means
- Someone who truly knows the Word and how to rightly divide it, not someone who twists it and uses it as a weapon against others in a way it was never intended
- Someone who respects women both for who they are and for who they are in Christ
- Someone who's hit a few rough spots in life and didn't let it freak him out
- Someone who's man enough to accept responsibility for his own actions rather than making excuses or blaming others
- Someone who has a teachable spirit, not a quarrelsome spirit
- Someone who understands that life can have too much serious and you have to pause for a moment to dance on the beach or start a food fight
- Someone who isn't afraid to tell me no or that I'm wrong in a way that lets me know he really has my best interests at heart
- Someone who knows how I like my eggs, what my favorite flower/cologne/color is
- Someone who knows how important family is
- Someone who knows what service and sacrifice are
- Someone who knows the difference between being bold/confident and being a demanding jerk
- Someone who knows how to express disappointment/pain, but then get a handle on it, learn from it, stand back up and not whine about it
- Someone who will ask me what I think about a thing, be respectful of my response, but not be afraid to say he really thinks he needs to do something differently

In other words, I want to be with someone who knows who he is, who he is in Christ and respects himself so I can respect him too.

 

[Liamson]

Wow, this is very good. Good Job Jullianna this is better than I was hoping to get.

Let me address according to your list and some of my own weak spots.


- Someone who means what he says and says what he means
I'm terrible about this. I want people to see the same thing I saw and come to the same conclusion. So I spend time to paint a picture of what I'm trying to say rather than just saying it. The more meaningful the thing, the more more I want to paint it. Its not that I'm not straightforward, I just rarely see a simple answer to most questions.

- Someone who truly knows the Word and how to rightly divide it, not someone who twists it and uses it as a weapon against others in a way it was never intended
I was asked once by a girl, if I studied the Bible for my own life or for others. It made me think long and hard about what motivation REALLY means in all things. Especially concerning God.

- Someone who's hit a few rough spots in life and didn't let it freak him out
Yes, agreed. I think this goes both ways too. I would love to be with someone who in spite of the past has decided to follow Christ and seek the truth.

- Someone who's man enough to accept responsibility for his own actions rather than making excuses or blaming others
Definately a Maturity thing.

- Someone who has a teachable spirit, not a quarrelsome spirit
I know this is struggle for me but, I've gotten a lot better since I first came to CC. Also a Maturity thing. I wanted to be right and PROVE myself.

- Someone who isn't afraid to tell me no or that I'm wrong in a way that lets me know he really has my best interests at heart
Now, I've never been married but, until I break up with someone, I never feel comfortable criticizing them, even constructively. I don't like argument in relationship.


- Someone who knows how important family is
Well, I know that Family has never mattered very much for me and I don't really know how to fix that. I was adopted, my adoptive parents are divorced and my family has so much bitterness and hatred for each other that I feel practically alienated for not participating. I know that in my own home I will not let anyone speak poorly of anyone else in our extended family. But I also have no urge to be close. Hopefully, when I have a family of my own, or with my inlaws that will change.



- Someone who knows how to express disappointment/pain, but then get a handle on it, learn from it, stand back up and not whine about it
This is actually a HUGE struggle for me that has really haunted me. I'm getting better at it but, grief sucks the hope out of a future that won't exist. And parting with the plans and the emotion of that is something I never seem to deal well with. I say, THIS is how it will be for me but, it always takes more time than I want it to.



Thank you for your input. It really means the world to me. I deleted the one's I thought needed no reflective account from me.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Jullianna i couldn't agree more with what you said.

I feel like i have been sent so many mixed signals by the opposite gender, i dont even know what is what anymore.
I'm going to basically say some of the stuff jullianna said because its the same thing i thought when i read what Liamson posted.

Christian men claim to want a Godly woman, but are to busy staring at Susie McClevage in the other pew to see the godly woman in front of him.
A lot of the women at my church dress just appaling, on sunday's it looks more like there about to go to a club than to worship God. So us women who dress the way we should, well of course we really don't get paid much attention to by the men at church because our stuff isn't hangin out for all to see.

I'm told men want someone half way smart, but as jullianna pointed out. The woman who cant stop giggling seems to be the most popular.

I mean what... do i have to dress like a stripper and giggle like a moron to get a guy at church to notice me, Or perhaps i should start teaching sunday school in my bra and some hot pants. I guess i could even start laughing hysterically at every lame joke some guy makes to get a date. So many options it's hard to choose which one.

I have no idea what men want. None.

I want a guy who isnt a total weenie. Not one of those... oh im soooo afraid to ask her out waaah waaah waaaah. BOOOOOO!
Must be amusing
A christian, and not someone who just pretends to be.
He must like the history channe andl or national geographic. If he likes both thats a plus.
Must not have weird attachment to mommy
Tall, but not skinny. Not attracted to skinny
Doesnt talk to much.

And there you have it.

 

[iraasuup]

Jullianna i couldn't agree more with what you said.

I feel like i have been sent so many mixed signals by the opposite gender, i dont even know what is what anymore.
I'm going to basically say some of the stuff jullianna said because its the same thing i thought when i read what Liamson posted.

Christian men claim to want a Godly woman, but are to busy staring at Susie McClevage in the other pew to see the godly woman in front of him.
A lot of the women at my church dress just appaling, on sunday's it looks more like there about to go to a club than to worship God. So us women who dress the way we should, well of course we really don't get paid much attention to by the men at church because our stuff isn't hangin out for all to see.

I'm told men want someone half way smart, but as jullianna pointed out. The woman who cant stop giggling seems to be the most popular.

I mean what... do i have to dress like a stripper and giggle like a moron to get a guy at church to notice me, Or perhaps i should start teaching sunday school in my bra and some hot pants. I guess i could even start laughing hysterically at every lame joke some guy makes to get a date. So many options it's hard to choose which one.

I have no idea what men want. None.

I want a guy who isnt a total weenie. Not one of those... oh im soooo afraid to ask her out waaah waaah waaaah. BOOOOOO!
Must be amusing
A christian, and not someone who just pretends to be.
He must like the history channe andl or national geographic. If he likes both thats a plus.
Must not have weird attachment to mommy
Tall, but not skinny. Not attracted to skinny
Doesnt talk to much.

And there you have it.

I totally get what you mean about 'Suzy McCleavage' type girls.

In chuch yesterday I was just appalled at the get ups some girls were wearing.. and I couldn't believe they were sitting with their parents in such attire and the parents seemed to think this was fine. Some of these girls were YOUNG.. I'm talking like no older than 12 or 13 young. One in particular had a skirt so short I'm fairly sure it would qualify more as a belt than a skirt (barely covered her backside and was super tight) and a low cut tank top. Another who was probably about 17 had a dress on that had everything hanging out.. everytime she walked, I was scared they would fall out.

It makes me so mad. I just wanna slap the parents, and hug the girls and say 'Put some clothes on, you're worth more than this. If a guy will only pay attention to you when you dress like this.. HE'S NOT THE RIGHT GUY'..

I'm more than happy to go unnoticed by guys because I actually wear clothes. Personally, I don't want to attract the kind of guys that only want to talk to me if I have cleavage showing. Sorry, but I'm worth more that that. I've come out a relationship where I was anything but valued. I was constantly told what was wrong with me and how I should look.. and then blamed for his lack of desire for me because I wasn't a 'bimbo' like the other girls he lusted after. It took me a while to realise I'm worth more than that, and there are Godly guys out there who will love me and value me for who I am.. and frankly I'm prepared to wait as long as it takes to find one of those guys.

 

[LightningClap0002]

Just had to say, thank you for creating this thread. You phrased the questions so well, it seems the women understood perfectly. Now if you could just get them to organize a school for us so we can all be perfect.

 

[Oncefallen]

They say you are everything they want, but they are too afraid to step up and do anything about it.

Although Jullianna's posts frequently cause me to do some soul searching, this one outright hit me where it hurts, I am so guilty of this it isn't funny. No, I'm not in the habit of letting on to my interest in a woman and then not going through with it, but that I'm guilty of knowing a woman that fulfills what I would want in a wife and walking away. Invariably because I look at her and think to myself that a woman that great wouldn't want a guy that; makes as little as I do, has my past, etc. instead of stepping up and letting her make that decision for herself. I guess this just comes down to the expectation of rejection, and wanting to avoid it. I'm working on it though.

Of course it hasn't helped that I've listened too much to those single "christian" ladies who will say things like, "how do you expect to find a decent woman driving a beat up heap like that." Maybe it's just me, but I refuse to go into huge amounts of debt just so I can impress a superficial woman with my nice stuff.

 

[PopClick]

instead of stepping up and letting her make that decision for herself. I guess this just comes down to the expectation of rejection, and wanting to avoid it. I'm working on it though.

Let her decide... if she has any class at all, and she rejects you, she will do it as nicely as she can.

 

[Liamson]

Jullianna i couldn't agree more with what you said.

I feel like i have been sent so many mixed signals by the opposite gender, i dont even know what is what anymore.
I'm going to basically say some of the stuff jullianna said because its the same thing i thought when i read what Liamson posted.

Christian men claim to want a Godly woman, but are to busy staring at Susie McClevage in the other pew to see the godly woman in front of him.
A lot of the women at my church dress just appaling, on sunday's it looks more like there about to go to a club than to worship God. So us women who dress the way we should, well of course we really don't get paid much attention to by the men at church because our stuff isn't hangin out for all to see.

I'm told men want someone half way smart, but as jullianna pointed out. The woman who cant stop giggling seems to be the most popular.

I mean what... do i have to dress like a stripper and giggle like a moron to get a guy at church to notice me, Or perhaps i should start teaching sunday school in my bra and some hot pants. I guess i could even start laughing hysterically at every lame joke some guy makes to get a date. So many options it's hard to choose which one.

I have no idea what men want. None.

I want a guy who isnt a total weenie. Not one of those... oh im soooo afraid to ask her out waaah waaah waaaah. BOOOOOO!
Must be amusing
A christian, and not someone who just pretends to be.
He must like the history channe andl or national geographic. If he likes both thats a plus.
Must not have weird attachment to mommy
Tall, but not skinny. Not attracted to skinny
Doesnt talk to much.

And there you have it.

It really is good to know what women think. Especially when they are being very VERY honest.

I would like to point out that SOME guys ARE actually looking for what you described above. They want someone who "*objectively*" looks good for them to feel validated and socially accepted. But this is not the truth, its just them trying to fill a missing piece. It is for them a sign of outward success, like driving a really nice car. The Catch is that women know this. So women cater to it. They don't have to become anything more than a pretty trophy to get the feeling of security that they are looking for. They don't care what kind of a man they are with, so long as he wants to be with them and pay for everything. Because really, his paying for everything is invariably going into her looking good and it becomes a cycle, very shallow and unfulfilling cycle (see: inevitable divorce). (*Objective meaning that according to the world or what other guys who think like this think.)

A man who is WHOLE looks for someone who compliments them well, respects them and relates to them on their own level. It has more to do with sharing the same ideas vision and cooperating to that end. The relationship has more to do with the mission of being together rather than being focused on each other or worse what they each get out of it.



In the 3 churches that I am involved with, my biggest hurdles are more cultural than anything. We have a lot of Country people who don't want to travel, like to drink and have a weird obsession with horses and Trucks. The guys want a Christian looking girl for the parents and a hard partying girl to go do country things like four wheeling and Karaoke.

I don't know what the women want. I only know what they do. They post up in coffee shops with a book or a laptop and eagerly wait for interesting conversation. They run, workout or do P90X but none of them are very athletic or coordinated. They all work with children, talk about babies and having their own. The smart ones and the ambitious ones leave at like 18.

So yeah, maybe I'm just picky or maybe I'm missing something.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I think maybe if women concentrated more on God and less on taking a thousand pictures of themselves from every angle, and men concentrated more on God instead of looking at the picutes women post of themselves from every angle we'd all be much better off, and maybe have a clue what the other one wants.

 

[Jullianna]

I like what Nod and Katie had to say above. We see a lot of young women doing stuff like this and, strangely, God dealt with me re: my attitude about it last night...

There was a young woman who was posting very personal things online. A young man made a remark to her in response and she deemed him creepy. Yesterday my reaction was ..REALLY?? You're upset with him for responding to the advertising??

But the Lord spoke to my heart about her this morning and showed me that she is incredibly lonely, insecure and starved for attention. And maybe she doesn't have anyone to teach her better than this. Maybe this is the sort of behavior she has been exposed to. Maybe negative attention from guys is better than no attention at all to her. It hurt my heart, so I have been praying for her and have been talking with her in a sisterly way.

The scriptures call us to teach the younger women. Maybe we need to encourage them lovingly to consider their behavior and the way they dress and be examples to them. Sometimes we assume that everyone has been taught the manners/modesty we grew up with and don't fully grasp how much society has changed, even within the past decade, and how blurry the lines have become.

I hope the younger ladies/teens reading these forums will take our words to heart. It would probably be helpful if young MEN would encourage modesty as well, rather than rewarding such behaviors by responding in ways as worldly men do.

I realize that not all will respond well or listen, but some just might, and who knows what we may be helping to protect them from. Lots of young ladies enter into wrongful relationships, are abused and/or disappear everyday beginning with such things. (I'm NOT blaming the victims. Nuns have been assaulted too. I'm just saying...use some common sense, watch what you wear/say/advertise and pay attention to the reaction of men.) Do everything you can to protect yourself.

Thanks for the attitude adjustment, God. I needed it.

 

[Ugly]

Good posts, the ones i read anyways, ladies. But see, here's the big, old fashioned, catch to your points. Women, Christian or not, are notorious for having this list of standards of manhood that they want. Strong but not mean, Loving but not wimpy, etc etc... There is still the 'looks don't matter' concept floating around. But yet, when you see a woman, who is she with? The gawky looking guy with a good spirit and is always smiling and friendly? Or the guy who sits in the back pew either trying not to sleep or checking out the ladies? Look around the church at all the single mothers that have never been married. That didn't happen because they picked a guy such as the one described by Julianna. (by the way, thats not an attack on single mothers, just making a point about choices in men). So ladies, why have this list of wonderful traits and end up with the guy that gets you pregnant instead?

 

[episcopotic]

One of my favorite teachers put it this way - we all carry around these lists of rules in our heads. For the most part, these are good things. Do not invite to dinner those who tend to stab you. Babies are acceptable, even if and maybe especially because they throw up on you.

The problem comes when our noses are stuck in the books. We stop seeing people, glancing up only occasionally to make sure they're complying. Amusingly, we usually don't tell people how they're doing until we've decided they've messed up too much. Rule #1, by the way, is usually that they should already know the list... even if we haven't spelled it out.

Ten years into a relationship, you won't want a man who ... you'll feel your husband's weight beside you on the couch. You won't want a woman who ... you'll feel safe making prolonged eye contact with her. The little, specific things will be sacramentalized. Your day will be a thousand demonstrations of grace and neither of you will be evaluating the other's acceptability; you made the decision.

Or, at least, I hope. It's possible, however, that you'll still be sitting with your list of rules, waiting for them to slip.

I know it sucks to be alone and making lists is a way to push the darkness back a little bit. It's a bad habit. Some hurts we have to endure, not dull, until they go away.

 

[episcopotic]

I want to add, by the way, that this is how Christ loved his church - not because we satisfied a list of rules and, perhaps, even because we aren't able to. The entire religion is based on grace, forgiveness, and intimacy when people don't satisfy some very commonsensical requirements.

I mean, Hosea and... Gomer? God might not tell everyone to go grab a woman of the night, but every marriage should be the image of Christ and his church. What does it say about your theology when your eventual wife's acceptability (there are a lot of musts, needs, and shoulds above) is predicated on something like these lists?

 

[Jullianna]

Good posts, the ones i read anyways, ladies. But see, here's the big, old fashioned, catch to your points. Women, Christian or not, are notorious for having this list of standards of manhood that they want. Strong but not mean, Loving but not wimpy, etc etc... There is still the 'looks don't matter' concept floating around. But yet, when you see a woman, who is she with? The gawky looking guy with a good spirit and is always smiling and friendly? Or the guy who sits in the back pew either trying not to sleep or checking out the ladies? Look around the church at all the single mothers that have never been married. That didn't happen because they picked a guy such as the one described by Julianna. (by the way, thats not an attack on single mothers, just making a point about choices in men). So ladies, why have this list of wonderful traits and end up with the guy that gets you pregnant instead?

I never made any lists until I came to this forum and saw guys ASKING for them. This forum has caused me to give all of this far more thought than I ever did before.

When you read the triangle thread in this forum what did most of the ladies say? It wasn't looks. What did most of the guys want? All three. Some were even willing to settle for a little bit crazy, but not a little unpretty.

I'm not a single mom who has never been married, so I can't say how that happens so often. But I know there are a lot of single men in the church who are unmarried fathers as well. They just aren't as easy to spot because mom usually has the kids.

Why do women end up with the jerks? Because so many of the good guys look down on them. Because the good guys can't make up their minds. Because the good guys won't speak up, while the bad guys go looking for them fearlessly. Because the bad guys know how to use a woman's insecurities against her. Because so many guys either say one thing, but really want something else or have no clue what they want. Some of them choose a man before they are mature enough to do so (as do many men). Some of them fall for the lies the world tells (we probably all do to some degree). Some of them don't understand what being a woman truly means. There are probably more reasons than this, but these are reasons I've seen and experienced.

 

[Jullianna]

I want to add, by the way, that this is how Christ loved his church - not because we satisfied a list of rules and, perhaps, even because we aren't able to. The entire religion is based on grace, forgiveness, and intimacy when people don't satisfy some very commonsensical requirements.

I mean, Hosea and... Gomer? God might not tell everyone to go grab a woman of the night, but every marriage should be the image of Christ and his church. What does it say about your theology when your eventual wife's acceptability (there are a lot of musts, needs, and shoulds above) is predicated on something like these lists?

There's a list in scripture regarding what a godly woman/wife should be (Proverbs 31). Do you know where the list is for guys?

 

[Lindsay]

I started to say plenty on here but decided to keep my yap shut...LOL

 

[episcopotic]

There's a list in scripture regarding what a godly woman/wife should be (Proverbs 31).

I don't read it as a checklist, but praise and honor for someone who is like that.

If a person reads this as a checklist for potential spouses, I believe they're misusing it, especially in light of the gospel. Is there anything in here that says, for example, that if she doesn't "get up while it is still night" that she shouldn't be considered wife material? I don't see it. So, if your potential wife is like this, praise and honor her for it.

If she's not? This is a good question, but Proverbs 31 doesn't answer it.

Do you know where the list is for guys?

We could find or come up with a list, I'm sure, but seeking or creating one is missing the point of the gospel as it is to be lived out in relationships.

 

[Jullianna]

I don't read it as a checklist, but praise and honor for someone who is like that.

If a person reads this as a checklist for potential spouses, I believe they're misusing it, especially in light of the gospel. Is there anything in here that says, for example, that if she doesn't "get up while it is still night" that she shouldn't be considered wife material? I don't see it. So, if your potential wife is like this, praise and honor her for it.

If she's not? This is a good question, but Proverbs 31 doesn't answer it.



We could find or come up with a list, I'm sure, but seeking or creating one is missing the point of the gospel as it is to be lived out in relationships.

Not so sure about the first part. It's adaptable to today and it's scripture.

So why do the guys keep asking for lists?

 

[episcopotic]

Not so sure about the first part. It's adaptable to today and it's scripture.

Indeed, but it's praising and honoring a wife of noble character, not saying that anybody who doesn't match these criteria should be considered less worthy of marriage. God is able to praise someone for their skill in a relationship without suggesting that others, who aren't as good at it, shouldn't be considered. I mean, again, Gomer. How many checklists will she satisfy?

Praise and honor are based on behavior. Basic acceptance into a relationship is not. By God, I mean. We're not as accepting. Hence:

So why do the guys keep asking for lists?

They don't understand grace. Whatever they put down on paper, they think the universe is a meritocracy and their wives must earn their way into their graces.