Why are so many women attracted to jerks?

[iTOREtheSKY]

This is a pattern I've noticed as well. You see a girl who's kind of shaken-up, "me and my boyfriend had a fight last night. He threw me onto the bed and screamed at me."

"If he's so abusive, why do you go out with him?"

"He's just misguided. He'll change."

If you want to change a "jerk", do so as a friend, not a lover.

I think it's a sickness we have...this trying to change people. Is it insecurity..pride...where does it originate from??? The root certainly can't be out of caring can it??? Something seems secretly selfish about it all. I dunno..rambling here.

 

[MissCris]

I've been thinking a lot about this question. A lot of the responses have been really good, and they've made me consider why it was that I personally used to be so attracted to guys who were jerks. Really, I used to be the kind of girl who was just begging for somebody to sweep me off my feet and treat me like dirt. Why was I like that? Hmm...

The main reasons, I'm realizing now, were things that have been mentioned here. I'll keep my sob story to myself, but here's one I thought of that I don't know if anyone else has said yet...

Back when I was dating jerks, I wasn't exactly an angel myself. I thought I was having a lot of fun with how I was living my life, and I had no intentions of changing that.

No truly nice guy would have had anything to do with me at that point in my life. I sought out "bad company" because I was being bad myself. There was one guy, in highschool, who I had a crush on- but he was nice, darn it. He was friendly towards me, but every time I talked to him I ended up feeling ashamed of myself (as I should have!) and tended to avoid him.

Because I didn't want to do what it would have taken to attract a nice guy like that. I would have had to behave, get back into church and youth group, change my attitude, my language, my wardrobe, everything. It was easier to keep going out with guys who treated me badly than to fix myself and be someone worthy of, well, someone worthy.

I think this reason applies to a lot of women, along with so many others.

 

[Umbra]

I think it's a sickness we have...this trying to change people. Is it insecurity..pride...where does it originate from??? The root certainly can't be out of caring can it??? Something seems secretly selfish about it all. I dunno..rambling here.

I believe many women try to change jerk men because they want to have their cake and eat it to. They are attracted to how confident they seem, but they don't like the abuse. Therefore, they try to remove the abuse to make an idea relationship. Honestly, I wouldn't have a problem with this if it actually worked (which, it probably does - rarely, but let's be real here).

It's okay to try and change people, but we have to be smart about it. Women who try to change jerks often fail to realize that they're simply playing into the jerk's hand. These types of men pray off the women who try to change them. Women who try to change these jerk men only reinforce their behavior.

Of course, some women just like men who take control. They don't mind the abuse or the drama because they sort of dig it. It's pretty screwed up, and the problem with these relationships is that these types of women often get knocked up. It's really a shame when children have to grow up in such households.

 

[violakat]

Some people who may seem like jerks and bad boys may actually not be all that bad if you get to know instead of judging by appearances.

A friend of mine's husband comes across as a bad guy online, until you meet him in person, or so I'm told. I never really seen him online, so I can't say. So it's possible.

But in this case, I think these guys are mislabeled bad boys, as they enjoy a bit of mischief, or else they are just super confident and full of energy.

 

[Stuey]

I concur.
I also want to know the difference between being afraid/nervous to approach a woman and being intimidated by one. I've been told a lot that I'm intimidating. I try not to be. I try to be approachable but I think I still need to work on it.

Some girls are - quite frankly - and I'm not sure if it is intentional or not. Harder to approach, harder to talk to and harder to get to know. And it isn't quite about social skills, although that comes into it. Pondering.

Here is one for you along these lines.

Why do many of you girls have PM Boxes that say 'no pm's unless I know you!' - understandable due to the creeper problems, however, I think the 'jerk's' would typically ignore this, while the more gentlemanly figures would be more likely to respect it. Some people of course don't prefer pm's but something to think on.

 

[Stuey]

I shouldn't re-read things... gramatical mistakes you can't edit. Bleh.

 

[Hungry]

I didn't read every post so I'm not sure if somebody already answered with this. Two words Alpha Male. All female animals pick the strongest and the most dominant to ensure survival. Women from all over fell hard for Shades of Grey because he was the ultimate Alpha male. It's not the jerk they like it's the dominance. Women pick for dominance and men choose for sexuality. It's just raw basic instinct. If you are intimidated by women you are not an alpha male. If you want to attract women build some self confidence. Join a gym or get into a full contact sport. Nothing builds manly confidence like beating eachother up. I am completely serious.

 

[TheAristocat]

A friend of mine's husband comes across as a bad guy online, until you meet him in person, or so I'm told. I never really seen him online, so I can't say. So it's possible.

But in this case, I think these guys are mislabeled bad boys, as they enjoy a bit of mischief, or else they are just super confident and full of energy.

I agree. There is the badboy (TM) and then there is the really, truly bad boy. If that's not too confusing... I really do think the issue is with the personality. There is definitely a personality out there that isn't necessarily bad but is labeled as "badboy" because it usually belongs to men of a certain type that aren't the best people in the world. But good men can have it just as well. It's just rarer.

Personally, I'm attracted to feminine tomboys because they have interesting personalities. I love me a tomboy with them big, sultry eyebrows.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I agree. There is the badboy (TM) and then there is the really, truly bad boy. If that's not too confusing... I really do think the issue is with the personality. There is definitely a personality out there that isn't necessarily bad but is labeled as "badboy" because it usually belongs to men of a certain type that aren't the best people in the world. But good men can have it just as well. It's just rarer.

Personally, I'm attracted to feminine tomboys because they have interesting personalities. I love me a tomboy with them big, sultry eyebrows.

Big unibrows??

 

[my_adonai_]

when we dont have GOD In our Lives, we can make all the wrong decisions. Or have different deceitful perception of people.
Gods counsel is very needed

 

[GreenNnice]

I believe many women try to change jerk men because they want to have their cake and eat it to. They are attracted to how confident they seem, but they don't like the abuse. Therefore, they try to remove the abuse to make an idea relationship. Honestly, I wouldn't have a problem with this if it actually worked (which, it probably does - rarely, but let's be real here).

Umbro, It's okay to try and change people, but we have to be smart about it. Women who try to change jerks often fail to realize that they're simply playing into the jerk's hand. These types of men pray off the women who try to change them. Women who try to change these jerk men only reinforce their behavior.

Of course, some women just like men who take control. They don't mind the abuse or the drama because they sort of dig it. It's pretty screwed up, and the problem with these relationships is that these types of women often get knocked up. It's really a shame when children have to grow up in such households.

Some good, bold things said, but one thing said that is not good is that 'it's OK to change people,' no, from a Christian perspective, it's not, even from a non-Christian perspective, the person has got to want to change. And, from a Christian perspective, we don't change anyone, God does all the changing

Note: not sure what 'umbra' means but 'umbro' was hip back when I was a soccer player growing up and in college, not sure what is now, I don't follow sports stuff too much now, quit playing soccer 'cold' in 1995 after having started at age 5 and playing all the time competitively (state champs a few times, etc.) all growing up. So, yeah, that's why you're 'umbro' to me

 

[Catlynn]

Some girls are - quite frankly - and I'm not sure if it is intentional or not. Harder to approach, harder to talk to and harder to get to know. And it isn't quite about social skills, although that comes into it. Pondering.

Here is one for you along these lines.

Why do many of you girls have PM Boxes that say 'no pm's unless I know you!' - understandable due to the creeper problems, however, I think the 'jerk's' would typically ignore this, while the more gentlemanly figures would be more likely to respect it. Some people of course don't prefer pm's but something to think on.

Makes sense. I appreciate the response. I got a few responses via pm actually...good thing I don't have one if those messages. Lol

 

[SeatBelt]

Exactally...see..you summed it up better than I could! Bravo young man..bravo!

iTORE, at our age five and some fraction there of years is not sufficient different for you to still call me young... unless you're trying to claim the title of OLD.
I'd laugh, but I'm feeling too old and might hurt myself in the process.

 

[SeatBelt]

I respectfully disagree. Naturally, since this is a matter of attraction, everyone has their own preferences.

I have virtually zero tolerance for someone who chooses to just let life happen, chooses to always be a victim of their circumstances, thow pity parties, who chooses not to take a proactive role in their own life. That sort of behavior spills over into your work ethic, your ability to resolve conflicts, your ability to stand up for the things you believe. It's also incredibly annoying. I wouldn't entertain dating, much less marrying, that sort of man for a minute.

I agree to disagree, but still cite that I would truly like to avoid both. the passive aggressive self-martyrs and those that are just plan nuts.

 

[SeatBelt]

It's been around the net before, and I've even posted it on CC before, but here it goes again:

 

[BarlyGurl]

@ seatbelt...

and the moral of the story for the men is.... ?

 

[Jullianna]

The reason I run into so many of them is that I am a very strong woman. A lot of guys are intimidated by me and won't approach me.

To be perfectly honest, I am often hesitant about dating a guy that I think might be "too nice" because I don't want to be the leader in a relationship and I'm afraid he will back down or give in far more often than God or I need/want him to. I don't want to hurt anyone needlessly.

The problem with this is that it can take time to determine whether a man is bold because he is a strong, confident guy or a jerk who doesn't know any better. Sometimes it takes no time at all to determine this.

Right or wrong, this is why I don't date much and want to be friends with a guy for awhile first. These are things I want to know.

 

[Catlynn]

The reason I run into so many of them is that I am a very strong woman. A lot of guys are intimidated by me and won't approach me.

To be perfectly honest, I am often hesitant about dating a guy that I think might be "too nice" because I don't want to be the leader in a relationship and I'm afraid he will back down or give in far more often than God or I need/want him to. I don't want to hurt anyone needlessly.

The problem with this is that it can take time to determine whether a man is bold because he is a strong, confident guy or a jerk who doesn't know any better. Sometimes it takes no time at all to determine this.

Right or wrong, this is why I don't date much and want to be friends with a guy for awhile first. These are things I want to know.

Yeah, that! Granted, I'm not nearly as strong/talented/wise/AMAZING as Jullianna at this point in my life, but I do feel that I have a much stronger personality, I know what I believe and why and physically I'm strong so I don't want a man who's easily pushed around either. I also don't want to have to be the one out fighting the bad guy while my significant other sits, cowering in the corner....ya know, should the need every arise. lol

 

[SeatBelt]

@ seatbelt...

and the moral of the story for the men is.... ?

@ Barley:

oh, if you'd not figured that out... we're just all amoral.

kidding.

I think.

I think the moral of that for the fellas is that if we want someone good in our life we have to be courageous and steadfast, diligent and hardworking, and just plain willing to climb to the top of the tree. Too many boys are willing to settle for a worm eaten, rotten apple that they can get one at a time or by the bushel off the ground.

What do you think it is, Barly?

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

It's been around the net before, and I've even posted it on CC before, but here it goes again:

Don't take this the wrong way bro..that is nice & I get what you mean...but even the "rotten" apples (girls fallen on the ground) are still created by God & he doesn't view them as such. We were all "rotten" apples at one time. But dude..seriously..I get what you mean & not tryin to be picky...there is a truth to all that. Anything "good" worth having requires diligence & hard work...and guys shouldn't settle for a woman,who basically isn't seeking after God's own heart.