Why are women in the church judged for being hypergamous?

[hummingbirdie]

If I as a woman say that I want a man who makes as much as me or more, people in the church, usually men, are quick to tell me that that is superficial and ungodly. From a practical sense, however, I think that I am being very reasonable.

If we have kids, I would ideally like to work part-time or work from home while they are young so that I can take care of them while my husband works. If I am the breadwinner, this may not be feasible. It just makes sense for the man to be the breadwinner.

I have been met with hostility from men when they find out that I would not date a man who makes less than me. I don't think less of these men or think that I am superior. I just think that who I choose as my husband should be someone who is right for me -- someone who is able to be the breadwinner and provider if I have to scale back my hours when we have kids.

Is this not a reasonable stance?

 

[seoulsearch]

If I as a woman say that I want a man who makes as much as me or more, people in the church, usually men, are quick to tell me that that is superficial and ungodly. From a practical sense, however, I think that I am being very reasonable.

If we have kids, I would ideally like to work part-time or work from home while they are young so that I can take care of them while my husband works. If I am the breadwinner, this may not be feasible. It just makes sense for the man to be the breadwinner.

I have been met with hostility from men when they find out that I would not date a man who makes less than me. I don't think less of these men or think that I am superior. I just think that who I choose as my husband should be someone who is right for me -- someone who is able to be the breadwinner and provider if I have to scale back my hours when we have kids.

Is this not a reasonable stance?

As a fellow woman, I'm just curious...

What happens if your salary changes?

Such as, what if you lost your job, or had to take another job for lower pay.

What would your requirements be then?

I'm just asking because I don't know many people who have made the same amount of money throughout their lives.

 

[Karlon]

If I as a woman say that I want a man who makes as much as me or more, people in the church, usually men, are quick to tell me that that is superficial and ungodly. From a practical sense, however, I think that I am being very reasonable.

If we have kids, I would ideally like to work part-time or work from home while they are young so that I can take care of them while my husband works. If I am the breadwinner, this may not be feasible. It just makes sense for the man to be the breadwinner.

I have been met with hostility from men when they find out that I would not date a man who makes less than me. I don't think less of these men or think that I am superior. I just think that who I choose as my husband should be someone who is right for me -- someone who is able to be the breadwinner and provider if I have to scale back my hours when we have kids.

Is this not a reasonable stance?

yes, a reasonable stance. i get what your desires are. i have always, massively, paid for everything in relationships & it was nearly, entirely, 1 sided. i never had kids, but if i did, i would prefer the old fashioned relationship which is man works, woman stays at home. & i'll tell you this, if i ever ended up dating again, i'm never dating a poor women, she's got to have money. costs are out of comprehension these recent decades. the only way i would date a poor girl again is if i was a multimillionaire. then it wouldn't matter. then there is this truth: the older you get, the less money you earn ( social security ), but the higher everything is in cost!!!

 

[ResidentAlien]

If I as a woman say that I want a man who makes as much as me or more, people in the church, usually men, are quick to tell me that that is superficial and ungodly. From a practical sense, however, I think that I am being very reasonable.

If we have kids, I would ideally like to work part-time or work from home while they are young so that I can take care of them while my husband works. If I am the breadwinner, this may not be feasible. It just makes sense for the man to be the breadwinner.

I have been met with hostility from men when they find out that I would not date a man who makes less than me. I don't think less of these men or think that I am superior. I just think that who I choose as my husband should be someone who is right for me -- someone who is able to be the breadwinner and provider if I have to scale back my hours when we have kids.

Is this not a reasonable stance?

No, it's not unreasonable. Any man (and especially a Christian man) who would become hostile because you don't want to date him is pretty immature and probably someone you should avoid if possible. Sometimes the hostile ones get violent.

 

[Snackersmom]

Hi Hummingbirdie, welcome to CC!

I don't think your stance is wrong, but I definitely get how it could make the guy you're talking to feel like you only see him for his earning potential. Guys need and deserve to be thought of as more than that to their ladies. Just like us girls need and deserve to be thought of as more than just our ability to bear children.

I think that if you seek God and meet the right guy, God will make a way for yall to make do with your combined salaries.......no matter who brings in the bigger check.

 

[Lanolin]

what dont even know that was a word
Then theres a case of, so, how much difference does it make really? .If you work MORE hours (even in the same job for equal pay) of COURSE someone is going to earn more. Even people on minimum wage know this its basic maths. Lord knows personal childcare generally isnt paid but costs add up. No brainer.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

If I as a woman say that I want a man who makes as much as me or more, people in the church, usually men, are quick to tell me that that is superficial and ungodly. From a practical sense, however, I think that I am being very reasonable.

If we have kids, I would ideally like to work part-time or work from home while they are young so that I can take care of them while my husband works. If I am the breadwinner, this may not be feasible. It just makes sense for the man to be the breadwinner.

I have been met with hostility from men when they find out that I would not date a man who makes less than me. I don't think less of these men or think that I am superior. I just think that who I choose as my husband should be someone who is right for me -- someone who is able to be the breadwinner and provider if I have to scale back my hours when we have kids.

Is this not a reasonable stance?

I think the basis of this issue is that it has become more and more common for women to expect insanely high salaries out of men. Even men in their 20s. Though you may not be requiring this it's possible that's what the man hears because that's what he's used to hearing.

 

[hummingbirdie]

As a fellow woman, I'm just curious...

What happens if your salary changes?

Such as, what if you lost your job, or had to take another job for lower pay.

What would your requirements be then?

I'm just asking because I don't know many people who have made the same amount of money throughout their lives.

If that happens then it is what it is but I think the ideal situation would be that the man is the breadwinner. If the man is supposed to be the provider then he should strive to provide.

 

[MsMediator]

If I as a woman say that I want a man who makes as much as me or more, people in the church, usually men, are quick to tell me that that is superficial and ungodly. From a practical sense, however, I think that I am being very reasonable.

If we have kids, I would ideally like to work part-time or work from home while they are young so that I can take care of them while my husband works. If I am the breadwinner, this may not be feasible. It just makes sense for the man to be the breadwinner.

I have been met with hostility from men when they find out that I would not date a man who makes less than me. I don't think less of these men or think that I am superior. I just think that who I choose as my husband should be someone who is right for me -- someone who is able to be the breadwinner and provider if I have to scale back my hours when we have kids.

Is this not a reasonable stance?

One thing to keep in mind is that nowadays it is very hard for a man to be the sole breadwinner for a family (which requires larger space like a house and multiple mouths to feed). One way to gage, is to ask yourself the same question. Can you be the sole breadwinner? How do you feel about it? It's not like decades ago. The woman's desire to find a husband who is breadwinner is natural, but it may not be possible without some major adjustments nowadays (moving to low cost area, smaller house, one car, no/limited eating out, etc). I would not compromise too much on important things like safety and school district. So, it might be unreasonable to expect a man to be sole breadwinner in a higher cost place.

 

[hummingbirdie]

I think the basis of this issue is that it has become more and more common for women to expect insanely high salaries out of men. Even men in their 20s. Though you may not be requiring this it's possible that's what the man hears because that's what he's used to hearing.

Hypothetically, if my salary was high and I wanted a man of equal socioeconomic status to marry (not even someone superior in that sense, but someone of the same tax bracket) would you see that as wrong? Again, it's for the reasons I outlined earlier. Often times, I hear men say "I don't care about a woman's income so why should she care about mine?" but men and women are different. Men aren't looking for a provider and women typically assume the majority of the domestic tasks. As such, I think it's reasonable for the person who is looking after the home and not contributing significantly to the finances to vet their future partner for the ability to financially take care of them at the level that they could take of themselves at had they been working.

 

[MsMediator]

I think it is better if both husband and wife find jobs which accommodate family life, like hybrid/remote jobs etc and hire a baby sitter or enroll the child in daycare if necessary for a portion of the time. Use a mix of everything. My friend finds daycare helpful for her son for socialization skill; the son's social skills have improved.

 

[hummingbirdie]

One thing to keep in mind is that nowadays it is very hard for a man to be the sole breadwinner for a family (which requires larger space like a house and multiple mouths to feed). One way to gage, is to ask yourself the same question. Can you be the sole breadwinner? How do you feel about it? It's not like decades ago. The woman's desire to find a husband who is breadwinner is natural, but it may not be possible without some major adjustments nowadays (moving to low cost area, smaller house, one car, no/limited eating out, etc). I would not compromise too much on important things like safety and school district. So, it might be unreasonable to expect a man to be sole breadwinner in a higher cost place.

This is a good point. I'd like to add, however, that I would like to work part-time and/or work from home in my marriage. I will be contributing to the finances but not the majority of it. If I am to assume the majority of the domestic tasks, I would like a partner who makes more than I do.

 

[MsMediator]

I too prefer to marry a man who makes around the same but open to other circumstances. One thing I would not want is someone who makes much lower and wants to control finances. Men don't really have to worry about that, which is why I think they are more fine with marrying a woman with no/lower income.

 

[Talljake]

Here is some food for thought. Yes in this day in age, there is a lot of jobs that we work really hard at. We put in the work, put in the hours, it seems like good money but between uncle Sam taking his cut and everything going up but your paycheck........it is a struggle.

Another thing to consider. How many people don't even work? There are so many that just don't work. I don't know how they get buy......but they just don't work. I would think that someone who works and puts in the hours is at least someone to check out and see what they are all about.

But it is best to put it in the Lord's hands. He has someone that is much better for us then someone we choose. If it is in his will for us. I would much rather marry someone he chooses then someone I choose.

 

[Cameron143]

If I as a woman say that I want a man who makes as much as me or more, people in the church, usually men, are quick to tell me that that is superficial and ungodly. From a practical sense, however, I think that I am being very reasonable.

If we have kids, I would ideally like to work part-time or work from home while they are young so that I can take care of them while my husband works. If I am the breadwinner, this may not be feasible. It just makes sense for the man to be the breadwinner.

I have been met with hostility from men when they find out that I would not date a man who makes less than me. I don't think less of these men or think that I am superior. I just think that who I choose as my husband should be someone who is right for me -- someone who is able to be the breadwinner and provider if I have to scale back my hours when we have kids.

Is this not a reasonable stance?

Sure, it's reasonable. That's not really the question. Does it glorify God is the better question. And you and God are the only 2 that matter at this point. But it would be a worthwhile exercise to examine why this is so important to you. If it is because you believe it will provide financial security then your desire might reveal a distrust of God to supply all your needs.
If you find this is indeed the case, no amount of income will ever make you feel secure. It will always be an issue. Better to deal with the underlying cause now. Monetary issues cripple marriages in a hurry.

 

[Niki7]

If I as a woman say that I want a man who makes as much as me or more, people in the church, usually men, are quick to tell me that that is superficial and ungodly. From a practical sense, however, I think that I am being very reasonable.

If we have kids, I would ideally like to work part-time or work from home while they are young so that I can take care of them while my husband works. If I am the breadwinner, this may not be feasible. It just makes sense for the man to be the breadwinner.

I have been met with hostility from men when they find out that I would not date a man who makes less than me. I don't think less of these men or think that I am superior. I just think that who I choose as my husband should be someone who is right for me -- someone who is able to be the breadwinner and provider if I have to scale back my hours when we have kids.

Is this not a reasonable stance?

Well you are certainly allowed to entertain your own expectations concerning what you believe are personal requirements with regards to how you view 'husband material'.

That being said, I'm kinda curious as to how you go about informing men you find do not qualify for the above, of your personal expectations

I understand what you say about things would probably/possibly change if children were to come into the picture. So, it seems you are looking ahead in a practical manner.

I don't think many understand just how much money/income, can become a major conflict in a marriage when there is a lack of it

The other thing to consider, is how responsible a man (or woman) may be from a money management position. No spendthrifts please

 

[2ndTimeIsTheCharm]

I think the feminist movement destroyed certain traditions that helped the family to function well.

Because feminists push the idea that women don't really need men and that they can be the breadwinners and have at least some minimal care of the kids at the same time (or even have the husband do the caretaking), men aren't as motivated to work in such a way as to do well to have real increases in salary and or to be promoted.

Also, feminists encourage women to be so career focused and to work hard for promotion rather than take care of their children. So with both parents outside of the home, children grow up without any major parental influence.

Are there any Christians book about this? There probably is. Because if we are to have traditional Christian family homes, I think we would need to learn how to be frugal with everything and balance earning money with taking good care of our children.


🦐

 

[Lynx]

If I as a woman say that I want a man who makes as much as me or more, people in the church, usually men, are quick to tell me that that is superficial and ungodly. From a practical sense, however, I think that I am being very reasonable.

If we have kids, I would ideally like to work part-time or work from home while they are young so that I can take care of them while my husband works. If I am the breadwinner, this may not be feasible. It just makes sense for the man to be the breadwinner.

I have been met with hostility from men when they find out that I would not date a man who makes less than me. I don't think less of these men or think that I am superior. I just think that who I choose as my husband should be someone who is right for me -- someone who is able to be the breadwinner and provider if I have to scale back my hours when we have kids.

Is this not a reasonable stance?

Howdy and welcome to the forum.

This could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you go about it.

If you use it as a general guide, it could be a very good thing. A guy's income can be a general indicator of his temperament and drive, and you don't want to wind up unequally yoked financially. You doing all the work while he sits at home and plays video games is not an optimal outcome.

If you consider it a hard line, no exceptions, no other considerations rule, it can be a very bad thing. You may have already rejected a guy who is the perfect match for you, because of his current job. I know a few girls like that, and every single one of them I know is still waiting for her prince to come. Or maybe for her ship to come in...

On the other hand it could still be a good thing. The guys that these girls have turned down... I believe these guys have dodged a bullet. They don't want those girls anyway. They would have led very henpecked lives.

 

[Talljake]

I think the feminist movement destroyed certain traditions that helped the family to function well.

Because feminists push the idea that women don't really need men and that they can be the breadwinners and have at least some minimal care of the kids at the same time (or even have the husband do the caretaking), men aren't as motivated to work in such a way as to do well to have real increases in salary and or to be promoted.

Also, feminists encourage women to be so career focused and to work hard for promotion rather than take care of their children. So with both parents outside of the home, children grow up without any major parental influence.

Are there any Christians book about this? There probably is. Because if we are to have traditional Christian family homes, I think we would need to learn how to be frugal with everything and balance earning money with taking good care of our children.


🦐

That's a point I didn't consider........the other women are ganna get mad. Some don't like the f word lol

 

[hummingbirdie]

Sure, it's reasonable. That's not really the question. Does it glorify God is the better question. And you and God are the only 2 that matter at this point. But it would be a worthwhile exercise to examine why this is so important to you. If it is because you believe it will provide financial security then your desire might reveal a distrust of God to supply all your needs.
If you find this is indeed the case, no amount of income will ever make you feel secure. It will always be an issue. Better to deal with the underlying cause now. Monetary issues cripple marriages in a hurry.

I think I just like the idea of being able to comfortably take care of my future kids on my husband's income. Growing up, my mother was a stay-at-home mom and she was able to teach me how to read and do math before I even got to school which helped me excel academically when I started school. Even without my anecdote, it is well known that having the mother stay home for her children's formative years is beneficial for them. Even if my desires are somewhat rooted in financial stability, are we not called to be wise in our decision-making? Is not possible to trust God for provision while simultaneously choosing a partner capable of providing?