Why Do We Fall For (and Cling On To) People We Know are Bad For Us?

[AsifinPassing]

Hey Peeps,

While watching a long-time friend go through the all-too-familiar cycle of falling for the wrong person--and refusing to let them go--I was thinking about all the times I fell for "the wrong person" myself.

One guy in particular stands out in my memory: alcoholic, on drugs, could barely hold a job, not a Christian, bragged about his escapades with several other women (and he only chose those who looked like models), etc., etc.

You couldn't have gotten any more opposite of what I really wanted than that. But for some reason, I was smitten. One of the things that attracted me to him was the fact that he had a kind of "Who cares what people think, I'm gonna say it anyway!"-type attitude that I was drawn to. I'd always felt that I had to be very "edited" around good church folks--and I was in the process of trying to break free from that.

I read a devotional once that used the example of a young boy who had an abusive mother.

In a fit of rage, the mother lashed out and burned her young son.

The boy was taken to the hospital and even though he was cared for by a dedicated, compassionate staff--the entire time, he was screaming at them that he wanted his mother.

This, to me, illustrates the relationship that many of us have, or have had, with so many other people in our lives--including relatives and friends we know we should distance ourselves from or let go, but yet, we cling on to them.

Why?

* Is it because we figure negative attention is better than none at all?

* Are we afraid of the "loss" in our lives we'll have if we let that person go?

* Do we keep hoping we can be a good influence on them, and that they'll change? (Eventually...)

Personally, I can say "yes" to all 3 of these questions.

What are some reasons you've held on to someone who was bad for you?

"Why?" Isn't that always the question? The answers can be as different as the people, and are often quite subjective and situational.

From my own perspective, perhaps it's because these tend to be 'Alpha' types. Men and women who focus much more on physical things than spiritual ones. They tend to be good looking, knowledgeable about certain things (many of which may or may not be better not to know ultimately), and gratify many of the desires of our flesh.

1) Psychologically, yes, we'll take negative attention over no attention. How does that apply when men/women ARE getting attention from both the 'nice guy' and 'bad boy'? That's hard to say... many talk about confidence/assertiveness, but others mention that as a turn off (being too arrogant, controlling, overbearing, etc). Balance is always hard to find, and a lot has to do with our own tastes and preferences. Then again, it doesn't have to if we put ourselves aside...but how many do that?

2) YES! Yes...yes yes... Even bad love is some type of love, and I think most people who at least get some tastes and fulfillment of that during a relationship would rather put up with the mountain of junk than lose that trickle of love.
I think, at our core, most every human being is desperately searching to love and be loved. How that looks changes, but the desire seems to be the same.

3)Yes. I forgot what the name was, but similar to Stockholm syndrome (feelings of trust, affection, or sympathy toward someone who kidnaps you)...there is a literal name for getting into relationships with people we see as 'broken' and trying to sort of 'martyr' ourselves in an attempt to 'save' or 'fix' them. (The popularity of the song 'Fix you' for example...*coughs*)

_______________________________________________

Now the personal experience part vs thoughts on a subject... Hm...

It's a strong desire...(*refer to my latest post in the streams) Bad as it is...I think you do still learn to love someone as you get to know them...even it's a love/hate type of thing...there's still a love aspect there.

I won't get into all the chemical reasons why people stay in relationships (chemicals in men's/women's brains that cause them to protect/trust each other released during sex) under the presumption that we're not doing those things (which, from what I know and have spoken with people...is getting to be more and more presumptuous...).

I think people just have a hard time letting go anyway, let alone of something/someone so deeply close and intimate to the 'real' you (You know, on the inside, that thinks and feels all the various things...despite of whether they are acted on).

This topic has been one of the greatest throughout history... most of our art, songs, etc has to do with romantic relationships...often that end or were bad...but had their good moments to. Sometimes, (and this is coming from someone who believes in ultimates and absolutes in truth and life) things just aren't see easily separated into black and white. There are mixtures of both good and bad.

 

[Fenner]

At one time I was drawn to that type of relationship. I had such low self esteem I think I felt it's all I deserved. My prayers for these men from my past is with age they like me have changed and learn to treat themselves and others better.

 

[Angeldee]

In a toxic relationship i want leave but don't have the strength to do so

 

[May10]

Hi I know now it feels and we are not hereto
judge you.but we do have the strength
you just have to brave.
I am survivor of Domestic Violence.....you can do it

 

[PeterJens]

In a toxic relationship i want leave but don't have the strength to do so

The problem is often the phrase co-dependency.
All relationships rely on interaction between two parties and often one claims to be the
needy one and the other the dominant supportive player. But the reality is often both
need the other to play this game.

It is very hard to get to that place of honesty where one really realises triggers, responses,
needs, anger are all wrapped up together. This often comes from the emotional rules that
worked in the families both parties grew up with.

Without the Lord building new strength and insight, the relationship cycles will continue,
maybe with new partners, or a repeat with the current one.

The only way one can see a light in this kind of confusion to complete honesty with
oneself and before the Lord. Almost without fail we are always 50% responsible for
how things turn out. It may be by not being firmer, or being more sympathetic, or
by not walking away, by being sucked in to an emotional spiral of self pity.

One lesson I learn with an out of control relative was to just tell them off when they
were out of control, rather than take the emotional display as being justified.

It helped. Unfortunately the whole territory is very difficult. But for me love in Jesus
was the beginning of real life in my soul. Growing in God being my loving parent, learning
to love from the heart, taking risks, being hurt, tossed around, and walking through
changed me completely.

Sorry if this is a jumble, hope it helps, Walk in His word, read the gospel of John.

 

[seoulsearch]

Not an expert here but some woman seem to be the type of woman who want to take the bad boy and work on them to Fix them... They are like the little girl who on the way home from school finds a mangy half starved abandoned pup and wants to take it home and wash it and feed it up and adopt it as their pet..

There is also the woman who like the bad boys because they seem to be more fun..

There is also the rebellious teen girl who is attracted to the rebellious bad boy because by hanging around with him she thinks she is making some kind of statement to the world..

There is also the girl who thinks she is not worthy of being loved and cared for by a good guy.. So they end up with an abusive bad boy because thats what they think they deserve..

I guess you could add more examples of the types of woman and how they end up with guys who are very bad for them.. Unfortunately many younger woman really do lack the wisdom to know whats best for them.. They often find out by the time they reach their 30's whats best for them.. But unfortunately by that time they have their bad husband and or a few kids running around their ankles...

And of course, it's not just women.

I've had several guy friends who made terrible choices in relationships as well, all for the same kinds of reasons.

And, just like my female friends, they would. not. let. go.

Most especially if the woman was "hot".

 

[Lynx]

I'm reminded of an old quote:

A man marries a woman hoping she will never change.
A woman marries a man hoping he will change.
Both are severely disappointed.

 

[Fenner]

In a toxic relationship i want leave but don't have the strength to do so

I'm sorry you're living through it. I've been there, I hope you know you aren't alone. I'll pray for you.

 

[destinie]

lack of faith, hope and patience of meeting a God fearing christian man, as well as fear of being alone are what blinded me.

 

[Lenardzw]

I have learnt to cut friendships that were a constant drain on me. Life is short. I am open to new friendships with different people. But if I sense that the friendship/ association is unhealthy then I can either axe it or set boundaries.

I once found myself in a relationship with a lady some years back (okay "found" is wrong as I willingly got in) and it turned out to be problematic. She wasn't the person I had believed she was. It broke my heart but I ended it a short time later - some 5 months down the road. Over the years she changed and we've become good friends but the relationship boat had long sailed and we are both better off for it.

I think that one needs to have a guideline of what you will and will not accept. This may involve some introspection and some effort in recognizing what is and is not right for you. I have a close friend (an older lady who has been a life long friend) who is a great judge of character. At times she will remind me saying, "Hey didn't you say that you will not accept this kind of behaviour? So whats going on here?" A good wise friend can offer a perspective unclouded by emotion. If God has blessed you with one, listen to them.

 

[Run4_5k]

Simple- because it's easy

 

[seoulsearch]

Hey Peeps,

For anyone who might be interested... Someone reminded me of this today, and because of a discussion going on in another thread, I'm going to bump this and hope anyone who is having trouble cutting ties with a toxic person (no matter who it might be... even just a "friend") might find this thread to be insightful and helpful.

Feel free to add any additional thoughts (or updates, if you've posted on this thread before).

I know there will always be people who will be upset to see an old thread brought up, but with some of the current discussion going on in another thread, this seems to be pretty relevant right now (and I don't have the time right now to rewrite a current version.)

I hope anyone out there who is dealing with someone who is not good for them or is just plain harmful will allow God to help them leave this person (or people) behind.

God bless and take care!

 

[ChandlerFan]

It's quite simple, low self esteem and attachment issues.

I think it's actually a lot more complicated than that.

I'm afraid I'm going to open up a can of worms by talking about my own experience because some people are probably going to think I'm insane. Basically, I ended up falling for a girl a couple years ago (like March 2015) that I met on CC (she'll never read this so it's all good). She was from Toronto. We both were just...not very careful about things at the time. She still had strong feelings for an ex of hers who she had recently broken up with, but she communicated that she had feelings for me. We texted all the time, Skyped every night, etc. and in late March I went and visited her for the first time. It would be the first of at least a dozen visits. Over the course of the first few months, she kept saying she wasn't ready for a relationship because she still wasn't over her ex, and I foolishly kept pushing for it. Eventually we did make it official because we were spending so much time together anyways, but that didn't really make things better. A couple months later she ended up more or less cheating on me with her ex, and after we broke up we continued talking even as she pursued a relationship with him again. It never worked out between them, and she and I continued talking and even visited a few times. In November of 2015 I made a spontaneous trip up there for her grandfather's funeral, and while we were at her sister's afterwards, she asked me for my car keys because she needed to get something out of the car, and then was outside for like 20 minutes. I went outside to see what was going on, and she was out talking to her ex. I seriously felt humiliated. But over the next couple of months things dissolved between them.
Over the course of 2016 she basically got over that guy and our friendship continued, but it was extremely turbulent because I had so much hurt from past things she had done. I actually developed depression from the emotional distress of it all. And because I was so hurt she didn't feel like things could ever be okay between us, and so she still refused to date me, which frustrated me even more. So I decided to take a step back from talking to her early on this year, and within a short amount of time she started dating someone else. I was seriously upset, angry, hurt, etc. and admittedly I did not handle it well. I did not insult her directly, but I did berate her a lot over the course of a couple of weeks, and at times did try to put her down. I've since apologized many times over and feel so bad about how I responded.

The truth is that right now I am still talking to her. We still text and talk on the phone. She is dating someone else. I am in a place where I have accepted that if she is going to be part of my life right now, it is going to be as a friend. I have also needed to confront what I know is an idol in my heart regarding relationships and intimacy. And this brings me to this post:

Yes, but how do we break away from them?

I know most Christians will say, "By making Jesus first in your life!" which is, of course, the "right" answer.

However, I see very few people actually being able to put that into practice in real life.

I think it's a really difficult thing to put this into practice because there are so many things (especially in Western culture) vying for our attention. There are so many distractions. I think one of the most powerful of all is the temptation to idolize another person, and especially a significant other. I think this is a temptation for even the strongest of Christians. But I have recently discovered that the reason that I couldn't handle being told no and the reason I handled things so poorly is that romantic relationships were an idol to me. I saw a relationship as the means to true joy and satisfaction and the one thing I need in my life to be whole. The truth is that women (and men) make really terrible gods, and a relationship isn't where true joy and satisfaction are found. So I've had to remind myself that with a relationship or without a relationship, I have Christ, and Christ is who I need. A relationship provides a kind of earthly acceptance, but Christ provides an eternal acceptance at a depth no human being can reach because no human being can ever truly know me and the extent of my depravity the way that Christ does. I don't know that putting Christ first just means reading your Bible and praying every day (although it probably involves those things), I think it more means that you are putting your hope and your trust in Him, and all of your other affections revolve around Him. For a long time this girl and the idea of a relationship with her were at the center of my universe and I let God revolve around it. And when He didn't fit into my plans, I let Him go. But I think putting Christ first means letting everything else in our life orbit around Him, if that makes any sense at all.

So why do we have a tendency to stay with toxic people? I think a lot of it has been touched on already. I do think there is a sense in which we simply think about that person in the most basic terms in our mind, and we momentarily forget about how they have hurt us, and all we can imagine is that surely life isn't going to be better without them in it, and hopefully things are going to get better. When you spend so much time and energy invested in getting to know a person, it's really hard to think about having to go through all of that again but with someone else. And as Asifinpassing mentioned, our bodies do release chemicals (not just in sex, but even just in hugging--no, seriously) that cause us to develop a bond with that person. So that combination of time, effort, memories, bonding, affection, future hope...that is an immensely powerful force. It really takes a strong support system, a strong self-esteem, and a strong faith in God for someone to break away from that. And I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy, maybe I don't have the strength, or maybe I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

 

[DCrawshawJr]

From experience, I have clung to certain women simply because they like me. It is one of my biggest weaknesses, to be liked, even if they don't really like me but say they do. I'm still not sure where that came from, though, but let me tell you, it can alter your brain in spades! Another reason why online dating just isn't all it's cracked up to be (but that's beside the point).

But, could it also be lust? I know that even just holding a woman's hand on a date is enough for me to have certain brain chemicals released.

To your questions:

* Is it because we figure negative attention is better than none at all?
In a certain light, I can see me preferring being hated on over being ignored.

* Are we afraid of the "loss" in our lives we'll have if we let that person go?
It's easier for me to let go of the person than to deal with the emotional aftermath.

* Do we keep hoping we can be a good influence on them, and that they'll change? (Eventually...)
Not recently. If they've been a certain way for years, it's even harder from them to change their mind.

So, what does one do? If you like someone, and you go out with them, your brain is almost certain to be altered. How do you keep your head on straight in situations like this? Let me say this, folks: If you date, don't date alone. Pray. Get your friends and family involved, whose brains don't easily turn to swiss cheese.

 

[Yahweh_is_gracious]

Much the same for me. My past experiences were that I hung around in relationships because someone wanted to have me around. I settled. At that time, I figured anything was better than nothing. I was so wrong. It took a very extended period of being single, friendless, and living like a hermit to allow me to properly assess each of the relationships, platonic or romantic, and see if they were healthy and worth keeping. None were.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

It took a very extended period of being single, friendless, and living like a hermit to allow me to properly assess each of the relationships, platonic or romantic, and see if they were healthy and worth keeping.

I suppose this is near to where I'm at, but am trying to assess what's "healthy," rather.

 

[Rockrz]

I'd always felt that I had to be very "edited" around good church folks--and I was in the process of trying to break free from that

Wow! Yeah, jumping from church folk to drug addict playboy... is obviously NOT what the Spirit of the Lord was leading you to do.

Why not focus on growing in your relationship with the Lord and check the stupid talk around the church folk?

Church folks er not, most people will be upset with you if you don't enthusiastically embrace whatever it is they are in to since it's all about them ya know...

I always wonder... What's the key to detangling our own identities from that of another...

And finally breaking free of the vicious, and often harmful, cycle?

focus on growing in your relationship with the Lord.

He created you for the purpose of being your everything and He cannot do that unless you allow Him to come in a dwell in your entire life... with sincerity

I see very few people actually being able to put that into practice in real life.

That's because of doubt and unbelief, not having a prayer life, and not accept God's written Word.

Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

Time alone to explore yourself

Wrong! Time alone with the Lord and His Word... exploring your relationship with Him.

 

[seoulsearch]

Wow! Yeah, jumping from church folk to drug addict playboy... is obviously NOT what the Spirit of the Lord was leading you to do.

Why not focus on growing in your relationship with the Lord and check the stupid talk around the church folk?

Church folks er not, most people will be upset with you if you don't enthusiastically embrace whatever it is they are in to since it's all about them ya know...






focus on growing in your relationship with the Lord.

He created you for the purpose of being your everything and He cannot do that unless you allow Him to come in a dwell in your entire life... with sincerity





That's because of doubt and unbelief, not having a prayer life, and not accept God's written Word.

Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.







Wrong! Time alone with the Lord and His Word... exploring your relationship with Him.

Ah yes. I've been wanting to write a thread about serving God in your single time for quite a while.

Now is as good of a time as any.