This is the statement that I hear so many times and its the one that really represents to entire problem with Christianity.
It seems so sad to me that you denigrate your virtues, achievments, thoughts, actions and principles in this way.
When Christians say "I'd be nothing without God" it makes me shudder. My view is that you made God, not the other way round.
I hope for, and expect, responses to my statement but please dont bash me
I can understand your thought process and the reason behind the words you post and say. I too feel that like you this statement "I'd be nothing without God" is rather obscure. However I will propose another thought pattern to your process.
I also agree with this statement and know that it is 100% truth "I'd be nothing without God" perhaps it's time for me to share alittle about my life with you. I am a diagnosed schzaphrenic court-ordered to accept social security and too live with my mother. I am 39 years old and this happened by an idaho judge aprox 8 years ago. i would have to check my records but that is beside the point.
I grew up as any other Indiana born Texas raised boy did i suppose. I was born in the north but am southern at heart. I was always popular on the play ground I could run a football like no-one's bussiness from in-zone to in-zone without a single person grabbing my flag or tackleing me. I truly felt invincible on the football field. Kids always picked me first, my flag football team was happy to have me. I begged and begged my couch to let me run the football when I was but 5 years old. Finally the last play of the game he said ok Butch (that's the name my grandmother gave me when I was 2 days old and has stuck throughout my life) I ran that football from the one yard line on the kick-off to the inzone without a single person touching my flag. The coach was flabergasted he said I should of had you running from the beginning. Well unfortuantly we moved and the town we moved too had no football team for 5-6 year olds.
I started playing on a school team in 8th grade. The coach didn't know what to do with me I was so big for a 8th grader he wanted me to be a line man. So I did as I was instructed and blocked. In a scrimage game with the varsity team my clavicle got broke and my mom was mad, she was so mad she went up there and told the coach he had no bussiness making 8th graders play 11-12th graders and I was no longer allowed to play football in school. However I dominated during recess and noone could tackle me I could spin out of any tackle.
Now was that me or was that God? That is open to debate. I did not know who Jesus truly was then. Sure I had been to church and sunday school with my family many a time. But I honestly had no idea who Jesus was.
I have been in and out of mental hospitals since I was 16 am 39 now. Prolly been to over 10 different mental hospitals in my lifetime. At first I was terrified to tell doctors what I saw, heard, smelt, or dreamed. I thought for so long I had to act normal to keep myself out of the hospital. Was truly terrifying for me growing up.
Then when I was 22 years old I was staying with my mom and her boyfriend. Was working on his ranch and staying in one of his sons rooms who was away living with his ex-wive or the sons mother if you will. And believe it or not there was a ouji or weedji board in the closet. I had never missed with anything like that before in my life so i was curious. The little plastic thing really moved and i was talkin to something not me.
Whatever was moving the board spelled out that it wanted me to rape and kill. And my mama raised me right I immediatly said OMG that's evil. And I became very scarred. Then it spelled out that it was gonna kill me that night. I was freaking out. I was scarred outta my mind, I knew if I went and told my mom what I was experienceing back to the mental hospital. I hated those places all the drugs made me feel like a zombie half the time.
So for the first time in my life I cryed out to God, I cryed out to Jesus asking for help because I did not wanna die. A peace came over me I had never felt. I knew I would be ok, I immediatly put the board back in the closet. The next day I had such a craving to read the bible OMG I wanted to know God and I knew the bible had that information. Of course there was not a single bible to be found in the whole house. We was like 20 miles or so from town and I had no license or car. Well a few days later I told my mom what had happened and she immediatly made her boyfriend burn the thing with fire telling him under no reason would she stay in a house with a weedgie board. We then went to town and she took me to a second hand store in town and I searched the store for a bible. I found an old NRSV bible tattered and torn and I broke down in tears and was so happy.
Went back to the ranch worked and read the bible at the dinner table and everywhere I went I could not put the bible down I read and read and read. Then one sunday I asked my mom if I could goto church and she gave me a ride and dropped me off at a Carpenter's non-denominational church. Was a female preacher/pastor and she was talking about the prodigal son. Then asked if anyone wanted to be saved I immediatly said yes and accepted Christ into my heart. Praise God!
Now I would like to tell you that it was easy street and a bed of roses after that but unfortuantly that would not be the truth. Well my 17 years has been one hell of a ride let me tell you The Spirit of the Lord has lead me to preach on the street corners of america, homeless and in my life I have forsaken all for the sake of the gospel. I have suffered much for Jesus. I was diagnosed with schrizaphrenia when I was 16. And have always been the odd man out since my illness manifested.
People would often fist-fight me hit me, kick me, knock me down. Even before I was saved I could never bring myself to hit people back. I suppose some could say and often said that I was afraid. But those that would hit me would leave saying OMG your nuts cause I would stand up look them right in the eye and say that all you got hit me again. If that is the kinda person you are just kick me in the head.
My fear was not of them, but I have always feared God's judgement for my actions. I feared God would be angry at me if I inflicted pain on others.
So, anyway after I was saved I tried to the best of my abilty to forsake all for Christ preached on the street corners, in the highways, the bi-ways the lowest and forgotten places of america. At one time God even lead me to Salt Lake City, Utah to preach in the temple courtyard and the sidewalk around the temple which I walked 3 times by God's decree. For what that is worth about 11 years ago I meet a woman named Cher and we confessed our love for one another and married ourselves under God and made a vow to God that we would remain faithful to one another.
We were not married in a church were not married legally by any of man's ways. God blessed us with a little girl named Rachel. However at the time of her pregnancy her, her mother, and her church all wanted her to get an abortion. They all said we was nuts and were living in sin. Which very well maybe I have no idea. I do know I shaved my head and made a vow to God Almighty to remain faithful to her. So I honor that I do not fear man. I do fear God.
Well needless to say I tried to get custody because her sister was given my daughter the judge ruled that her sister would have custody because me and Cher both had a mental illness history. So I became so angry at the entire world, at God, at mankind, at myself and I truly just wanted to die. I was praying for God to take me home because if these are the rules if this is my life I can't take this crap anymore. No I was not sucidal I was not gonna kill myself by any means I fear God and now that is wrong.
Well whether you want to believe me or not I had a vision in my mind of an Angel of Lord God Almighty wielding a flaming sword. I didn't see him physically. I saw and heard him in my mind. He told me "Cameran you are forever loved, Cameran you are forever forgiven, Cameran you are forever redeemed, Cameran you are forever justified, Cameran you are forever saved." I felt the tears from this angel fall upon my eyes around the sides and below them. I felt them embed in my skin like an unseen tatoo. I can't explain this and I am not trying too.
So has been 10 years for me being seperated from my wife if you will I use the term losely. I have not laid with another woman and will not unless I become truly married under God and man. All I can do is warn you. Do not take your vows to Lord God Almighty hastely or lightly for He will bring everything rather secret or unsecret to judgement and you will have to give an account of yourself for all the things you know about and even those things you do not know about. Which I am sorry to say is alot more than the things you know about. Becareful when you entertain strangers for some have entertained angels unware.
God Bless and thank you for letting me share a little of my life with you. I hope this has help you understand that I can honestly say It is not I that live, but Christ that lives within me.
