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nanabean
Guest
I'm baaaaack!!! hahaa....
Philsbs.....many times a whole story will not , well indeed CANNOT be told comepletely in a coupla posts in a forum. That's why I can understand Nodmyheadlikeyeah's post.....even though it may not have given you alot of encouragement, it spoke of being a bit more.....aware of what may have been happening in your marriage BEFORE your wife "woke up wanting to leave". You say in this post I've quoted here, that your wife "was looking for things to make her happy" and "started searching for high school classmates, changing her looks, and doing things she's never done before"....was this before or after she "woke up wanting out"??. I think this is what Nodmyheadlikeyeah meant..it IS hard to beleive it was like overnight.
Sistersue......you are very very right, that the hurt is intense whether he should have been blindsided by it or not! And we are not the ones who should be trying to decide blame or reasons or even solutions....just prayer, encouragement, and maybe some suggestions.....which IS all Philsbs asked for, after all!
BRB!!!
Philsbs.....many times a whole story will not , well indeed CANNOT be told comepletely in a coupla posts in a forum. That's why I can understand Nodmyheadlikeyeah's post.....even though it may not have given you alot of encouragement, it spoke of being a bit more.....aware of what may have been happening in your marriage BEFORE your wife "woke up wanting to leave". You say in this post I've quoted here, that your wife "was looking for things to make her happy" and "started searching for high school classmates, changing her looks, and doing things she's never done before"....was this before or after she "woke up wanting out"??. I think this is what Nodmyheadlikeyeah meant..it IS hard to beleive it was like overnight.
Sistersue......you are very very right, that the hurt is intense whether he should have been blindsided by it or not! And we are not the ones who should be trying to decide blame or reasons or even solutions....just prayer, encouragement, and maybe some suggestions.....which IS all Philsbs asked for, after all!
BRB!!!
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nanabean
Guest
Ok....so what exactly are you saying Mahoganysnail????? That since Philsbs has had 30 years of marriage which is more than alot of folks have had, that he should count his blessings and be satisfied???? See how things can be read into things that are posted on here?? Others can read your posts and put any emotion or any "twist" on your words that they are feeling at the moment to take them as!!! As for me and reading your post..I'm not quit sure WHAT I am thinking.... ?? hahahaha....hhmmm
I am not a physocogist (don't even know how to spell the word!!! ahha) but I would have to guess that YES....it would take some time to actually feel such an intense mid-life ..change....for it to become a "crisis". I know Papabean and I have both changed over the course of our years together, but because we have always had such a strong communication and spiritual connection, we have always been able to pull ever closer in our relationship and marriage instead of allowing the changes to become a crisis.
As for suggestions Philsbs....I'm not sure what to say, because I'm not sure where you and your wife exacty stand...I would say to maybe try to "date" again.....take her to places you went while first dating etc....also, try to find out what she feels she was "missing" while you were together, and see if you can't figure out how to share in something that would fill that need. But from your posts....I'd guess it may be beyond that?? divorce is final???....If so, and there is no reconciling.....just pray...and we will too!! for all you...your, your wife and children......My prayers are with you.
I'm done!!!
I agree that men can be pretty clueless in general about why their wives are upset at them, but I think you could have worded this differently, or not said it at all in this thread.
You are quite a comical person, and that is great and I have found you to be very funny in other threads, but being comical can sometimes lead to saying mean things by accident.
The Original Poster's response to your comment was very humble. I think that shows a lot of good in his character, at least where he is now.
Quest
It seems to me here that several women - not all - are ganging up on the Original Poster rather than offering help. I really don't understand this.
There is a woman in another thread whose cats got out of the house and they are now searching for the one remaining cat that is missing. People didn't go into that thread and start accusing the woman of carelessness for letting the cats out. That would only lead to hurt the woman further - and her guilt must be tremendous for her error already - and would provide her no help to her problem.
Here we have a man who has come looking for help, and he is suffering in his guilt for his errors. Rather than help him, people start criticizing him. I really don't see the value of this. I think he realized very quickly when his wife left just how many errors he has made, and now he daily has to suffer guilt because of it; a guilt which is being unnecessarily added to in this thread.
I think a different approach would be preferable; a more compassionate approach.
Quest
There is a woman in another thread whose cats got out of the house and they are now searching for the one remaining cat that is missing. People didn't go into that thread and start accusing the woman of carelessness for letting the cats out. That would only lead to hurt the woman further - and her guilt must be tremendous for her error already - and would provide her no help to her problem.
Here we have a man who has come looking for help, and he is suffering in his guilt for his errors. Rather than help him, people start criticizing him. I really don't see the value of this. I think he realized very quickly when his wife left just how many errors he has made, and now he daily has to suffer guilt because of it; a guilt which is being unnecessarily added to in this thread.
I think a different approach would be preferable; a more compassionate approach.
Quest
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nanabean
Guest
I will post a couple quotes from you Nanabean:
I don't see a benefit of asking the Original Poster this question. How can this help him now? If he came earlier and said his wife was threatening to leave, and was asking for us to give reasons why, then I would approve of these questions.
What does it matter when his wife began looking for other things to make her happy? The man is looking for comfort, not to be questioned in regards to his errors.
Anyway, I am certain that you had no ill intentions NanaBean.
Quest
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nanabean
Guest
Hi Quest.....and others......
Here's a stab at trying to understand each other better......
We will begin with your quotes of my post(s)......
I would have to imagine other things would have had to have lead up to this moment of truly deciding to leave it all. Also, that there were surely "signs" of trouble, or discontent...even if they may have been missed???
I don't see a benefit of asking the Original Poster this question. How can this help him now? If he came earlier and said his wife was threatening to leave, and was asking for us to give reasons why, then I would approve of these questions.
O.k. Let me try this.....I've been misunderstood before and given up, but I feel drawn to at least try to make this right. The first post of mine that you quoted me, was in response to others getting upset with Nodmyheadlikeyeah's post(s). I wasn't asking the Original Poster anything..it was actually more of a *shrugs shoulders* type of question mark....in reference to the fact that I can't imagine this type of thing happening overnight??? (*uses the ??'s the same way to try to help you understand*) You only "quoted" PART of my short paragragh that led into this statement, (which is fine...but takes away info) or you would see I was talking of Nodmyheadlikeyeah's post..and my understanding of it.
Quote:
Philsbs.....many times a whole story will not , well indeed CANNOT be told comepletely in a coupla posts in a forum. That's why I can understand Nodmyheadlikeyeah's post.....even though it may not have given you alot of encouragement, it spoke of being a bit more.....aware of what may have been happening in your marriage BEFORE your wife "woke up wanting to leave". You say in this post I've quoted here, that your wife "was looking for things to make her happy" and "started searching for high school classmates, changing her looks, and doing things she's never done before"....was this before or after she "woke up wanting out"??. I think this is what Nodmyheadlikeyeah meant..it IS hard to beleive it was like overnight.
What does it matter when his wife began looking for other things to make her happy? The man is looking for comfort, not to be questioned in regards to his errors.
Here I see where I DIDN'T finish my thought process comepletely......and I apologise for that! I DO see a "need" to find out when his wife began looking for other things to make her happy IF he is trying to reconcile. Nothing can be "fixed" unless you find out how, when and where it got "broken". However.....I again wasn't trying to question Philsbs....as much as I was trying to maybe get him to question himself and his wife in order to find chances to mend things. So...in some ways I can thank you for getting me to clarify myself some.
Anyway, I am certain that you had no ill intentions NanaBean.
No, your quite right, I don't have ill intentions at all!! As I have said, I am no physcologist....don't pretend to be, and therefore maybe I shouldn't BE posting suggestions (which by the by....Philsbs DID ask for) or advice..and just offer the sympathy, and comfort.
Quest
I'm done! nanabean
Here's a stab at trying to understand each other better......
We will begin with your quotes of my post(s)......
I would have to imagine other things would have had to have lead up to this moment of truly deciding to leave it all. Also, that there were surely "signs" of trouble, or discontent...even if they may have been missed???
I don't see a benefit of asking the Original Poster this question. How can this help him now? If he came earlier and said his wife was threatening to leave, and was asking for us to give reasons why, then I would approve of these questions.
O.k. Let me try this.....I've been misunderstood before and given up, but I feel drawn to at least try to make this right. The first post of mine that you quoted me, was in response to others getting upset with Nodmyheadlikeyeah's post(s). I wasn't asking the Original Poster anything..it was actually more of a *shrugs shoulders* type of question mark....in reference to the fact that I can't imagine this type of thing happening overnight??? (*uses the ??'s the same way to try to help you understand*) You only "quoted" PART of my short paragragh that led into this statement, (which is fine...but takes away info) or you would see I was talking of Nodmyheadlikeyeah's post..and my understanding of it.
Quote:
Philsbs.....many times a whole story will not , well indeed CANNOT be told comepletely in a coupla posts in a forum. That's why I can understand Nodmyheadlikeyeah's post.....even though it may not have given you alot of encouragement, it spoke of being a bit more.....aware of what may have been happening in your marriage BEFORE your wife "woke up wanting to leave". You say in this post I've quoted here, that your wife "was looking for things to make her happy" and "started searching for high school classmates, changing her looks, and doing things she's never done before"....was this before or after she "woke up wanting out"??. I think this is what Nodmyheadlikeyeah meant..it IS hard to beleive it was like overnight.
What does it matter when his wife began looking for other things to make her happy? The man is looking for comfort, not to be questioned in regards to his errors.
Here I see where I DIDN'T finish my thought process comepletely......and I apologise for that! I DO see a "need" to find out when his wife began looking for other things to make her happy IF he is trying to reconcile. Nothing can be "fixed" unless you find out how, when and where it got "broken". However.....I again wasn't trying to question Philsbs....as much as I was trying to maybe get him to question himself and his wife in order to find chances to mend things. So...in some ways I can thank you for getting me to clarify myself some.
Anyway, I am certain that you had no ill intentions NanaBean.
No, your quite right, I don't have ill intentions at all!! As I have said, I am no physcologist....don't pretend to be, and therefore maybe I shouldn't BE posting suggestions (which by the by....Philsbs DID ask for
) or advice..and just offer the sympathy, and comfort. Quest
I'm done! nanabean
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nanabean
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shelly8886
Guest
Actually, a mid-life crisis is very serious. It can completely change a person very quickly. My step-dad went through a mid-life crisis a few years ago and it almost ruined my mother. She never had a chance to change his mind, and there were no warning signals. It lasted for months. Luckily they worked things out. Even years later I can still see the changes in his attitude that remain.
I also had a co-worker whose wife did this. After 20 years, she left him and their 3 children and didn't contact them for an entire month. She also ended up pregnant with a man that only spoke Spanish, which she didn't know a word of!
The mind is a very powerful thing and when something snaps like that, it can be very devastating.
I am so sorry this happened to you and I pray that you can come to terms with your wife's abrupt decision so you can pick up the pieces and someday move on with your life. Please know that it's not your fault...
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Wootie
Guest
There is a song about families & lives fading to gray, that it doesn't go from white to black overnight. the sad thing about that is that you become use to the gradual fading and really never notice it until it is black. I am sorry for your loss and hope that you can let God direct where you need to be. Do not waste time tho trying to figure out why, because there is an end to a season before another can begin. I will keep you in my prayers
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Paws4Jesus
Guest
Well every person is different and I can say from experience when my hubby went thru (and denied vehemently) midlife crisis, it was about 3 months of odd little things that I wrote off to just a 'phase' and then WHAM he was gone. Emotionally, Spiritually and then physically. So, to the original poster, I can feel your pain, mine also happened this year, well, in fact 4 days before my birthday he said he had an apartment and was moving out. Happy 50th to me right? Not. I will definitely pray for you, for your peace, strength and that you find your walk in Christ consoling and soothing. God bless you.
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AJ52
Guest
Philsbs, I'm so sorry that your wife took a turn for the worst in mid life crisis. I have seen this happen several times, with men and women. I pray that God will give you strength to endure, and mercy in your heart, for it is through mercy and forgiveness, that we can truely heal. Praying for you, your wife, and your family.
I believe the bible teaches us to be positive in all situations and count our blessings and be thankful. Things could be a lot worse than your wife leaving. Like your wife staying and being a real pain in the neck and slipping poison into your food.