Wondering what your thoughts are

[Krumbeard]

So as a single dad, I think about remarrying, and I have a lot of thoughts/ideas about what that might look like and the problems that will aslo come along with that.

I know that being/staying single presents its own set of problems, and that remarrying will have its own set of complications. Either way will have plusses and minuses.

In my mind it seems crazy that someone would want to get into this crazy with me.

What are your experiences or observations or thoughts about this?

When a young couple gets married and starts to have children the family sort of evolves, a child at a time. In this case it is like jumping into the deep end of the pool.

What are the blessings and challenges of a blended family?

How do you deal with extra extended family?

Are there women who DO want to get into something like this?

I know there are a lot of different stories and backgrounds here so if you are willing to give some thoughts I'd like to read them.

This is not an advertisement!

I didn't join CC to look for a mate. Actually had the chat app for about a year before I realized there was a website. I like this much better.

I enjoy the interaction and reading of different topics. If it gets a little boring it seems there's always some excitement in the "Bible discussion forum".

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[tourist]

I met my wife who is also a member on this site shortly after I joined. At the time I had joined I was a widower whose life had crashed and burned, lost everything and was extremely despondent. Mainly, I joined for the fellowship of other Christians and not for the expressed purpose of finding a wife. I believe that God steered me to this site for a purpose and hope that this site is as much a blessing for you as it has been for me and my wife.

 

[Didymous]

Thanks for your thoughts.

I feel you. I'm getting a divorce from my unbelieving wife tomorrow-or at least filing the paperwork.

 

[Lafftur]

@Krumbeard - wow, blended families must be very tough. Sometimes children feel threatened by a "new" mom or dad, they lose their feeling of security because their parents split, and sometimes they think it's their fault or they think they can help their parents fix it and they can't.

There is baggage going into the marriage that has to be dealt with - underneath it all, any and all relationships come down to..........God has to be first, forgiveness and walking in love with healthy boundaries and good communication.

I've been married 25 years and it's not easy but, with God all things are possible.

@Didy, relationships are tough. I pray for peace for you and your family tomorrow......that the day ends with peace.

 

[LittleMermaid]

I once heard Dr. Phil say that step-parents should not discipline their step-kids. If they have a problem with the child or teenager, they can talk it out with the biological parent and have the BP discipline them. I agree with this.

When my mom first married my step-dad all he seemed to want to do was discipline us. He did not like some of the things we would do, and so he tried to change us. It was rough and my brother and I were definitely not used to that. Now, everything is cool and we all get along...but only b/c SD calmed down a lot and stopped trying to control everything. He had to realize that at 11 and 14 years old we sure as heck were not going to change anymore. The foundation for formation was already set.

I think my SD wanted kids of his own and he tried to raise us the way he would have wanted to raise his own...but my bro and I were just too big already and we responded very negatively to his attempts. Yes, I do realize this wasn't right of my brother and I...but what are you gonna do now right? lol

I'm embarrassed to say this but...I guess you can say...we were pretty spoiled and we may have caused trouble to their marriage. But we were teens. It's not like we were doing it on purpose. It used to just be me, mom and my little brother. Now this new person comes along? We sure didn't like him for a while. I felt like he was just taking away my only parent! I'm saying this so that you know how kids in blended families feel.

This is why I would never want to marry a man with kids. It's a mess. Blended families can be loving, they can be a blessing...but it is work. Just like regular families are work...blended ones are even more difficult. Just keep that in mind when you do remarry, OP.

 

[LittleMermaid]

I ran out of time so I thought I would add some more of the feelings I had as a teen.

When my mom married my SD, my brother and I became very jealous. We became somewhat territorial towards her. We felt like our dad had already let us down. So we only had one parent we could rely on and that was mom. We didn't want to share her and we tried to be around her as much as we could. If they went out to dinner, we got jealous.

Sometimes it felt like he would have preferred if it was just mom that he got in the marriage and not us. Like maybe he wished that instead of my brother and I, it would have been two kids they had had instead. He never says this but you can't help but wonder.

I imagine things would have been much much worse if they would have had kids together. I think he would have maybe shown preference towards his own over us. It probably would have messed things up further. I am very glad it's just me and my brother. My brother and I already jokingly argue about who the favorite is...I can imagine it would be much harder with another child that she had from her current husband.

I'm not proud of any of this. I know we were wrong...but I just wanted to lay it out there so that people know what goes on in the minds of step children. It's messy, it's painful and honestly it just sucks all around. But once you get through it, it can be awesome too! I love my SD now and he loves us too. He is a man of God and if it weren't for him, we would have grown up Catholic. He's great and I have learned many things from him. He made mistakes, mom did too and us kids did as well. We lived and we learned from it.

 

[Krumbeard]

@Krumbeard - wow, blended families must be very tough. Sometimes children feel threatened by a "new" mom or dad, they lose their feeling of security because their parents split, and sometimes they think it's their fault or they think they can help their parents fix it and they can't.

There is baggage going into the marriage that has to be dealt with - underneath it all, any and all relationships come down to..........God has to be first, forgiveness and walking in love with healthy boundaries and good communication.

I've been married 25 years and it's not easy but, with God all things are possible.

@Didy, relationships are tough. I pray for peace for you and your family tomorrow......that the day ends with peace.

Thanks. We were married 14years. I understand that baggage needs to be dealt with. That was something we learned. And forgiveness was/is huge.

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[Krumbeard]

I met my wife who is also a member on this site shortly after I joined. At the time I had joined I was a widower whose life had crashed and burned, lost everything and was extremely despondent. Mainly, I joined for the fellowship of other Christians and not for the expressed purpose of finding a wife. I believe that God steered me to this site for a purpose and hope that this site is as much a blessing for you as it has been for me and my wife.

Thanks tourist. I am glad that God used your low and "down and out" state for your good and more importantly His.

I am also a widower. I had been using a chat app, that my daughter and I used to text, and was looking to connect to others on there but it was not Christian and was discouraging and also trashy. And, lots of scammers. I knew about the Christian chat app for about a year. But it moves too fast for this simple mind. A few weeks ago I discovered they had a website. This is much better in my opinion.

I knew i could count on some good feedback.

Thank you.

 

[tourist]

Thanks tourist. I am glad that God used your low and "down and out" state for your good and more importantly His.

I am also a widower. I had been using a chat app, that my daughter and I used to text, and was looking to connect to others on there but it was not Christian and was discouraging and also trashy. And, lots of scammers. I knew about the Christian chat app for about a year. But it moves too fast for this simple mind. A few weeks ago I discovered they had a website. This is much better in my opinion.

I knew i could count on some good feedback.

Thank you.

I haven't been to the chat rooms for several years. I really don't care that much about it as the conversations are usually Jesus 24/7/365 or meaningless trivial drivel. Most of it is on the mic with very little that is actually typed so you can read what's going on, which is usually not much in particular. Very hard or almost impossible to get to know the members in a significant way, especially since most peeps that join soon lose interest only to have others join that don't stay very long.

The most interesting conversations in my opinion take place in the forums. Most members that post in the forums are frequent regular contributors and their post history and forum decorum gives ample opportunity to see who they are and what they are about. With a little discernment you can readily separate the genuine from the phony. There are many members that I have come to know quite well and also trust them that they are who they really portray.

Feedback is always a good thing and usually helpful in a significant way. I treat each member as a real person and not as just a virtual entity that can be deleted at any time.

I am looking forward to getting to know you better. I have an extensive post history through the threads I have created and the countless number of posts I have submitted and not afraid to let the members know the real me. Getting to know each other and enjoying fellowship, offering encouragement, support, understanding and prayer is what this place is really all about. At least that is the intention.

I love this site and it has been a tremendous blessing to me. I pray the same is true for you as well. Keep looking up, keep your eyes on the prize and continue to fight the good fight. That is what I intend to do as well.

 

[Lafftur]

I ran out of time so I thought I would add some more of the feelings I had as a teen.

When my mom married my SD, my brother and I became very jealous. We became somewhat territorial towards her. We felt like our dad had already let us down. So we only had one parent we could rely on and that was mom. We didn't want to share her and we tried to be around her as much as we could. If they went out to dinner, we got jealous.

Sometimes it felt like he would have preferred if it was just mom that he got in the marriage and not us. Like maybe he wished that instead of my brother and I, it would have been two kids they had had instead. He never says this but you can't help but wonder.

I imagine things would have been much much worse if they would have had kids together. I think he would have maybe shown preference towards his own over us. It probably would have messed things up further. I am very glad it's just me and my brother. My brother and I already jokingly argue about who the favorite is...I can imagine it would be much harder with another child that she had from her current husband.

I'm not proud of any of this. I know we were wrong...but I just wanted to lay it out there so that people know what goes on in the minds of step children. It's messy, it's painful and honestly it just sucks all around. But once you get through it, it can be awesome too! I love my SD now and he loves us too. He is a man of God and if it weren't for him, we would have grown up Catholic. He's great and I have learned many things from him. He made mistakes, mom did too and us kids did as well. We lived and we learned from it.

I ran out of time so I thought I would add some more of the feelings I had as a teen.

When my mom married my SD, my brother and I became very jealous. We became somewhat territorial towards her. We felt like our dad had already let us down. So we only had one parent we could rely on and that was mom. We didn't want to share her and we tried to be around her as much as we could. If they went out to dinner, we got jealous.

Sometimes it felt like he would have preferred if it was just mom that he got in the marriage and not us. Like maybe he wished that instead of my brother and I, it would have been two kids they had had instead. He never says this but you can't help but wonder.

I imagine things would have been much much worse if they would have had kids together. I think he would have maybe shown preference towards his own over us. It probably would have messed things up further. I am very glad it's just me and my brother. My brother and I already jokingly argue about who the favorite is...I can imagine it would be much harder with another child that she had from her current husband.

I'm not proud of any of this. I know we were wrong...but I just wanted to lay it out there so that people know what goes on in the minds of step children. It's messy, it's painful and honestly it just sucks all around. But once you get through it, it can be awesome too! I love my SD now and he loves us too. He is a man of God and if it weren't for him, we would have grown up Catholic. He's great and I have learned many things from him. He made mistakes, mom did too and us kids did as well. We lived and we learned from it.

Hello LittleMermaid,

I absolutely loved reading everything you said! Very insightful and helpful - you're an excellent writer! Well written.

Great testimony of going through a hard time and encouraging others as they approach the same path.

 

[Didymous]

@Didy, relationships are tough.

Ain't that the truth.

 

[Krumbeard]

I ran out of time so I thought I would add some more of the feelings I had as a teen.

When my mom married my SD, my brother and I became very jealous. We became somewhat territorial towards her. We felt like our dad had already let us down. So we only had one parent we could rely on and that was mom. We didn't want to share her and we tried to be around her as much as we could. If they went out to dinner, we got jealous.

Sometimes it felt like he would have preferred if it was just mom that he got in the marriage and not us. Like maybe he wished that instead of my brother and I, it would have been two kids they had had instead. He never says this but you can't help but wonder.

I imagine things would have been much much worse if they would have had kids together. I think he would have maybe shown preference towards his own over us. It probably would have messed things up further. I am very glad it's just me and my brother. My brother and I already jokingly argue about who the favorite is...I can imagine it would be much harder with another child that she had from her current husband.

I'm not proud of any of this. I know we were wrong...but I just wanted to lay it out there so that people know what goes on in the minds of step children. It's messy, it's painful and honestly it just sucks all around. But once you get through it, it can be awesome too! I love my SD now and he loves us too. He is a man of God and if it weren't for him, we would have grown up Catholic. He's great and I have learned many things from him. He made mistakes, mom did too and us kids did as well. We lived and we learned from it.

Mermaid, thanks for your input. Interesting to hear your background. I have a cousin whose mom died when we were babies. Her dad remarried and they had a daughter together. My cousin felt she couldn't be loved by her stepmother. There is definitely that aspect.

Your personal experience gives a lot of insight. My middle son has asked a number of times over the past several years if I'm going to marry. He does want a mom. He and the two youngest would latch on to someone pretty quickly if they were loved.

My two oldest are teens and I expect things will be more how you described.

As far as trying to change others, I had to learn this the hard way. I tried changing my wife. (Because I was perfect of course) 🤣🤣🤣. I had no business trying to change her. I had/have so many of my own problems to work on.

I had to "let go" of my wife and work on me. I continued to love her but what that meant in outward expression began to change.

She was not a child for me to correct. Sometimes loving someone can mean letting them reap the consequences of their actions. That is hard to do. But she saw that I had stopped trying to change her and was grateful for that.

Anyway, I am glad for your thoughts and since you've experienced this you also have a voice about it.

As I get older I am amazed,more and more, at how God uses the bad things of this world and in our lives for good.

Thought I posted this yesterday. 🤔

 

[LittleMermaid]

Hello LittleMermaid,

I absolutely loved reading everything you said! Very insightful and helpful - you're an excellent writer! Well written.

Great testimony of going through a hard time and encouraging others as they approach the same path.

Thank you so much! I was concerned that maybe I came across as too negative. That wasn't what I was trying to do but more so to be realistic. It was a very difficult thing to do and work on, but it was worth it.

 

[TabinRivCA]

If you meet the right Christian it won't matter if she has kids, you have kids or whatever. My ideal vision is 'The Sound of Music' where Julie won over all the children. This can and should happen in real life when two Christians click.
Children will see soon enough if there is real affection there and hopefully the adults will be wise enough to figure that out beforehand.
I think if someone wants to have a mate, go for it. Time is passing and I think of all the beautiful time two people could be having together instead of just keep wishing, whether older or young. Many people I see on a certain show I watch met online who definitely wanted to be married and took the chance and seem so thrilled to have met someone.

 

[love_comes_softly]

I can't speak from personal experience, however I can share what I've seen over the years as someone who works with many different families.

There will always be challenges in families, whether they are the original family, a family with single parents, or a blended family. I think it's all in how that family decides to overcome those challenges that makes the world of difference. Those that love and respect all members of the family and treat everyone with love are much more joyful and supportive even with challenges.

The families that struggle are families that focus on the negative of everything. For example, one kiddo I know technically has two blended families. Both sides are so negative not only about the opposite side, but about who they are and life in general. It's sad and makes it very difficult, if not possible to get through any sort of wave or trial like this.

I think in whatever is next for you in your life, whether you stay a single parent or find someone to create a blended family with, it will be successful if you put God first, love each member of the family and keep positive even through those challenges (you know they will come, as you mentioned.)

Praying for the Lord's blessing on you and your family, that you will be a family based out of love and if you're blessed to add bonus members, that that blended family will only add more joy.

 

[Krumbeard]

I can't speak from personal experience, however I can share what I've seen over the years as someone who works with many different families.

There will always be challenges in families, whether they are the original family, a family with single parents, or a blended family. I think it's all in how that family decides to overcome those challenges that makes the world of difference. Those that love and respect all members of the family and treat everyone with love are much more joyful and supportive even with challenges.

The families that struggle are families that focus on the negative of everything. For example, one kiddo I know technically has two blended families. Both sides are so negative not only about the opposite side, but about who they are and life in general. It's sad and makes it very difficult, if not possible to get through any sort of wave or trial like this.

I think in whatever is next for you in your life, whether you stay a single parent or find someone to create a blended family with, it will be successful if you put God first, love each member of the family and keep positive even through those challenges (you know they will come, as you mentioned.)

Praying for the Lord's blessing on you and your family, that you will be a family based out of love and if you're blessed to add bonus members, that that blended family will only add more joy.

Thanks for your thoughts and especially your prayers.

 

[Krumbeard]

If you meet the right Christian it won't matter if she has kids, you have kids or whatever. My ideal vision is 'The Sound of Music' where Julie won over all the children. This can and should happen in real life when two Christians click.
Children will see soon enough if there is real affection there and hopefully the adults will be wise enough to figure that out beforehand.
I think if someone wants to have a mate, go for it. Time is passing and I think of all the beautiful time two people could be having together instead of just keep wishing, whether older or young. Many people I see on a certain show I watch met online who definitely wanted to be married and took the chance and seem so thrilled to have met someone.

You make some good points.
I am told if you want to catch a fish you have to go fishing.

I don't like comparing fish to women but I know what they mean.